"I do NOT matter !"
Tonks/Remus short story.
"But it does not matter ! I don't care what they think, I don't care what they say ! What do they know about this love anyway ?! I do NOT care !"
She told him a million of times. She told him all the time... Each time they talked, each time the conversation ended on this manner. They are arguing... And Tonks's eyes were tear-filled...
Only her... Remus was always nearly indifferent. He seemed to control everything... Always.. He always stayed calm,without any reaction... Just a sad look on his face... Was she frightened him ?! This was worse than if he would have answer her. There was nothing worst than silence.
And finally, Tonks ran away, larms filled onto her face... She went away before weeping of course ; she did not tolerate to cry in front of him. She has her personal pride ; he has taken her heart but if he was continuing to reject her. As a consequence she will never let him see that he was her greatest weakness... Never.
He will never show anything. He never shows anything in fact... Like if nothing could touch him... Like if he was not alive at all...
And this was really frightening.
So did her. She will not show him her sadness... She will not cry in front of him.
"I do NOT care, I told you a thousand of times !"
But now she was crying. She couldn't help herself. Everything was going wrong...
His father has been attacked last night and he might be die at any moment of his injuries. Mediwizard has told them he was gravely injured, and she feared for him. So her mother might be also attacked at any moment in this war ; and her... And her, she fights every day and like any of them she could die. She feared for all of them ; she feared of dying without having a taste of all the happiness in the world... She feared of dying without love, without feeling love. She feared of dying without having say 'I love you' enough times. We never say it enough. And with all of this, with death at their door, Remus continued to play with her feelings...
Oh, no of course, he will not intend to play with them. He was innocent. He has never ask after her feelings... He always repeat her that she must forget, that he was not done for her, that her feelings were not constant and they will probably change ; she was deeply offence that he could only think that she could feel only substantial feelings, not constant...
She was young yes, contrary to him she knew nothing but, one thing she was sure, she loved him and that will never change. Why can't he admit that we can love him like he really was ?! Why can't he admit to be happy ? Why didn't he want to accept her ? The fact was that they are there. She loved him but him, he didn't care and stayed blocked behind always the same 'excuse'.
Too poor... Too old... Too dangerous.
It was just ridiculous and she has told him. How many times she did not know, but plenty. And they have just thirteen years of difference ! It was all ridiculous. Moreover, concerns money, she was an Auror ; she won money. She dis not need of his money... Will he feel culpability of using her money ? Will he have the impression of abusing her...? She will never reproached him anything ! She never could reproach him anything... Except one thing ; the fact he want to stay away from her despite her efforts to make him understand that she will always be there for him... That he coul be happy.
She just wanted to make him understand that he was not dangerous. He was the last man on earth who could be qualified like that. She only wanted he admit her... After, if he really did not love her, so never mind for her... Even if she wanted to be with him with all her heart. She wanted to be the woman who will make him happy...
She did not how she could react if she saw an other woman of the Order for example being too near of him... She certainly wondered herself what she has more than her. She certainly will be jealous of her.
"I love you." she added with a determined look and without letting go of his eyes.
But at least, as long as she thought she has a chance, she will continue to fight.
Nevertheless the expression she saw on his face did not satisfy her... He suddenly looked like a frightened animal... As if he was afraid of her ?
Did he really afraid of her ? He stepped back of one step or two ; she did not know... She thought of running off. Larms were at the point of emerging, and she did not want to show his...
Seeing him as if he wanted to run off of her, was an unbearable view.
"You can not love me." His throat was clenched.
The words she wanted to say just died in her throat and she seemed at a loss for some seconds.
What ? Did he really forbid her to love him in others words ? How could he only thinking to forbid her something ? He had no right to act like this. He has no right to order her not to feel what she feels, he had no right to tell her she could not feel love for him. She wanted to feel it ; and it will not stop it only if he wished it. Even not if she wanted it... At least she did not want it. Inexorably he had her heart... He has done nothing for that, but he had the right to feel love ; he has the right to let people appreciate him or love him.
"You can't forbid me to love. It's my choice. And I do not choose it at the beginning ! Love is like that ! But nevertheless, I am more than happier that he has happen !" she replied with much assurance that she had believed..
"I know I can't forbid you, sorry... But..."
"And stop to apologize yourself !"
"I..."
"And you can't forbid you to be happy. Why couldn't you live like everyone... ?… I never let you down believe me."
"No. I don't want you sacrifice yourself and... It's just not for me... I do not deserve it"
"Why ? Don't let people decide at your place ! You can't ! Show them that... And do not deny yourself ! I do not sacrifice myself at all ! And..."
Tonks stopped herself. He seemed lost. Lost in thoughts. He seemed like he was a little child, and that she was the adult here for the moment... He really seemed like that ; he seemed slightly diminished. He seemed so... Weak sometimes ? It was her impression. Perhaps she has spoken too much ? Perhaps she had not to... She now blamed herself about this and she wanted to excuse herself, and to approach and take him in her arms... Feel him near. Against her... Perhaps he could feel her heart beating for him...?
"I'm sorry. I just try to explain what you..."
She wanted to make the world outside totally disappear. She wanted him to forget all ; she just wanted he stopped thinking he did not deserve anything... He was the more greatest man of the world, and the one who deserves so much to be happy. At her sense. When she approached of a few steps, he did not move. She hugged him, she just hoped to make him forget what people can say about him, what people might say about her if they know she was in love with an lycanthrop... Never mind them.
She did not care about it. So why will it be important for him ?
She just wanted to show him she was not afraid of him. And that people do not know him properly... Her, she was able to see the true man behind the beast. - Even if she do not like pronounce this name - It was not his fault what he was. He was just Remus for her, and it will always remains Remus. All of these who reject him, all of them who talked of him in slighting words, they were not important.
He deserved to have a chance. She kindly kissed him on his cheek while she was keeping from him of a few steps. She stayed looking at him now, without any words... It seemed like she has told all what she wanted, but no.
"Do not let them influence you, please...", she added with a little smile.
He did not have even reacted and she wondered what he could possibly think! Nothing could be read on his face... And it makes her felt very uncomfortable.
She will have understand if he has told her that he did not love her, if he did not return her feeling... But the worst was he did not told her this. He told her nothing, except than trying to refuse her. So, can it be possible he felt the same than her ? But in that case why refusing his feeling ? Indeed, she would be fixed if he has told her that he did not return her feelings. She will know that there was no hope, that she could only let it go. Of course, he will make her cry if he told her this... But indeed, she knew what he felt.
However, he never told that... Like if he just can not. So, did he feel the same ? But what did he fears of ? Why does he give him one chance to be happy instead of sinking into his misfortune ? Certainly he never complained about anything. He never complained how he suffered... But sometimes, we must fight. She wanted to see him fighting... Instead of staying with no reaction.
"You do not return my feeling, do you ? You can tell... So I'll know that... Don't be afraid of disappointing me..."
And for the first time since so long it seemed, she heard him speaking and deep inside her, she felt z bit relieved. But not enough. She was still anxious about his answer..
"It's nothing to do with that... I have already told you."
"So, you returned them... Don't you ? But then..."
He had a tired look. As if he was tired to fight ? She felt a little ashamed to see him feel like that... Wait, it was not her who make him like that, was not it ? She did not tired him, did she ?!
"So what... Why can't you... ?"
"I've already told you... I just can't because I'm..."
"Do not repeat again the same excuses, please... I know them! Even more that the rules of the ministry of Magic!"
So, this last point was not so difficult in fact.
"I'm tired of all this...", he let escape after a few seconds.
"... Tired of what ?!" asked Tonks with a little hope deeply inside her. "Tell me..."
"Fighting.", he just replied.
For once he let him go to confidences, she was not going to complain, and she will not going to stop him before he stopped himself. He was tired of fighting ? So let you go to hope ! Listen to me ! I'm ready to support you whenever you want, whatever the... Let me help you ! She wanted to tell him that but instead of this, she approached and seized his hands between hers. She couldn't help. She just wanted to help him, to comfort him. She was feeling her heart beating like he wanted to go out of her chest. She took him one hand and placed it on her chest, just for making feel... Make him feel how it beats for him. It can even beat for two hearts... However, she felt him jumping and retracting his hands as though he has been burnt by the contact...
Tonks was shocked and about to cry. Besides, she really felt larms in her eyes. For the first time ever but as much as she could, she tried not to cry in front him.
"Can I help ?", she murmured in a feverish voice.
A silence. There was a silence during which he did not answer. During some seconds, he looked her intently. Even tenderly? Surely sadly in any case. He knew he should not have reacted like he has reacted. As if he wanted to make up for his mistake, he addressed her a very little smile... But nervous and he tried to take her hand ; hand she refused to take. It was too easy.
"I... I don't know.", he replied, lost and completely uncertain. "I don't know..."
But he really seemed helpless, like a little child who just wanted tenderness and protection... She couldn't help to hug him again and just laid her head against his chest. She felt peaceful, more than she ever felt ; she felt reassured. She stayed like this during so long minutes... And at his great surprise – and also pleasure – he did not push her back.
She believed that she has won. Could she hope ? When she felt a slightly pressure of arms around her, she felt relieved and relatively happy ; happy to see he has passed his arms around her even timidly. She closed her eyes and just stayed like this. She would have wanted to spend years just in staying in his arms. Perhaps there was a hope ?
When he released her, she pushed back herself but without letting go his hands and she looked at him, smiling. He did not smile in return but his eyes were... Shining ? Was it possible it was tears of emotion? And there was even... Love in it ? Tenderness in any case. If he did not love her, so he liked her very much ; she was important for him... And it was certainly something near love. If he was afraid to have confidence in her, he must know he must not fear it. He can trust her. That is what she tried to pass through her eyes.
How can he possibly be dangerous ?! He was the more inoffensive man she ever knew. He was the most gentle man she has ever met. It was the most wonderful gift that she could have... And suddenly, she felt the need to tell it...
Did she really deserve him?
Unable to contain herself, she threw herself at his neck and began to cry while she murmured again and again that she loved him and that she wanted nothing except him, even if the world were proposed to her. It was not tears of sadness. It was happiness, it was relief. She felt his arms closed around her again and held her tighter.
He could not speak. His throat was tight with anxiety and he did not even know what was the best to do... But what he knew was that he did not like seeing Tonks crying because of him. And so he strengthened the pressure of his arms and just hold her against him. He did not know what was the best, he did not what he should do or not... But he knew that what he felt for her was not only friendship ; it was stronger than that... He did not know if he returned her feelings, he did nont know what was exactly the nature of his feelings. But what he knew was that he felt very agreeable feelings each time he held her in his arms, and he wondered if it was this that people call love? This was far more agreeable...
He had already felt love, but towards his parents it was different. It was not the same nature of feelings. And he knew that with the young woman he held against him, it was different. Perhaps he could love fnally? Perhaps she was right and that he was able to love like anyone? With kindness he kissed her on the top of her head. He then wondered what he would feel if... If he wanted to... No...
No, he will never dare it. Nevertheless, she will surely did not push him back... Slowly he bent his head and came to look for her lips on which he put his. The contact was so soft and warm. A slight shiver came through him and seemed to make all the rest disappear... A wave of feelings, a wave of emotions made him feel very strange ; but it was very agreeable indeed and he liked it. He loved it...
She waited for so long – she dreamt so many times – that such a thing could happen. And at last it happened. She did not believe it at the beginning. But after a few seconds then that she felt his lips against hers, she forgot everything and she let herself go against him. A bomb might explode outside, nothing could reach her.
Nothing could reach them. Nothing else could happen.
She loved him, and he loved her.