Dusk or: The Importance of Being a Grarrl

by WhittyCat

A Neopian parody of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

Dusk or: The Importance of Being a Grarrl

by Hew

Did you love The Jelly World Code?

Let me help you with that one. If you read it, you loved it. And if you haven't read it yet, it's available through this account.

Let me now present Dusk or: The Importance of Being a Grarrl, the eagerly anticipated follow-up from the author of The Jelly World Code. It's another Neopian parody, but this time I have toned down the level of Neopets knowledge required to get the humour. The main joke you're missing is that Grarrls will eat anything at all.

For those of you who have read Twilightby Stephenie Meyer, I think you'll agree that I've managed to condense the whole thing into twenty-two pages without omitting anything important. And for those of you who haven't read Twilight, now you don't have to!

"In the deepest hour of the night, I confess to myself three things; I would die if I was forbidden to write, forbidden to love, or forbidden to fashion."

- Lady Gaga

Prologue

Dying is scary. So scary that, sometimes, the fear makes us forget that dying is also natural. Strangely natural.

Why should I be afraid to die then? Why, when I have been so much luckier than most. After all, I was somehow deemed worthy of a love so pure that most never find anything so pure. My life, though short, has been full and decadently rich.

Why, then, should I not welcome death with open arms, knowing that I have already lived so much more life than many ever could? [ed. I don't know. Why criticize the leadership of Joseph Stalin when Adolph Hitler's was subjectively worse?]

Chapter 1

The Haunted Woods loomed ahead, the village a faint flickering of hope shrouded by the mists of the gloomy valley.

My new owner, Jared, had come to meet me on the road just beyond the woods, and I was glad for that. I didn't want to walk into the Haunted Woods on my own. I didn't much want to walk into the Haunted Woods at all, but there I was.

"Pulchura," he called, as if I could have been anyone else. "Welcome to the Haunted Woods." He was rocking back and forth with his hands in his pockets. I bit my lower lip, then looked up and forced a smile. He seemed like a nice enough guy. He tottered in place, lurching forward to hug me, then thought better of it.

Finally, he thrust one of his hands from his pocket and shook mine firmly. It wasn't so awkward, really. That is to say, I would have done the same thing.

"How's Laurel?" he asked as we starting walking.

"Fine, I imagine," I said.

"Oh, okay. Well, it's good to have you here," he offered. I said nothing, because I'm a bit of an aloof jerk. You'd be surprised how many people mistake that for shyness.

Beyond that, there were few words exchanged along the way. I was starting to think this Jared fellow might just be my kind of guy. As we approached the edge of the forest, the fog swirled thicker all around us, and the trees got closer together as often happens in forests. At least the weather was predictable in the Haunted Woods. As I understood it, it was always foggy and humid, but mostly warm except for the cold chills that run up your spine sporadically. As it was, I could barely see my feet in front of me, and was glad for Jared leading the way. The trees here were all dark, twisted and gnarled, and I kept thinking I saw something moving in the mist.

The Haunted Woods was a far cry from Neopia Central, the home I had always known. I missed the bright sunshine and perma-rainbows already.

My old owner, Laurel, had housed me there my whole life, since I was created sixteen months ago. She had transferred me to make room for the Pea Chia she had always wanted. When her adoption application was first selected, she had hugged me tight and promised me she would never cast me out. She said she could still refuse the Pea Chia, but I knew he would make her happy. I convinced her that I would be fine on my own and would go willing. I told her it was my choice. I chagrined the circumstance, but I just wanted her to be happy. You'll find this act of altruism completely inconsistent with all of my other actions.

Anyway, Laurel and Jared had an English literature course together, and Laurel had a bit of a crush on him. When Jared created an account so that they could play games together during lecture, Laurel offered him me as a gift. I was his first and only Neopet.

What a lousy gift. Who would want me, an unpainted Neopet? You couldn't even trade me for a Pea Chia. That's why Laurel had to transfer me. I could tell you my species, but I think you'll find me much more relatable if I don't. I am a Neopet just like any other, just like yours. The important thing is that I am about average height, and average weight, but I am still insecure about it anyway. I am awkward around boys, and have no distinguishing characteristics. I have the most common of all hair and eye colours: yours. Mmm, yes; fall into my trap. Just like that. I understand you.

Finally, Jared stopped at a clearing, and ushered me to the doorstep of one of those creepy Haunted Woods Neohomes. The mansion loomed three stories high, complete with peaked turrets and black cast iron windows. Its exterior was covered with wooden slats, all painted dark purple and black, but the thatched roof was dirty grey. Atop the tallest turret was a steeple, where an ancient Peadackle weather vein struggled and creaked.

Jared showed me to my new room.

Of course, it was the one in the tallest tower, where he would be sure to remain oblivious to all my actions. I supposed it was the highest room in the tallest tower, so there was no way I would be sneaking out or sneaking anyone else in. I guessed Jared might be a good owner after all.

"Thank you," I said, speaking.

As soon as he gave me some privacy, I slumped backward on the bed and sighed dramatically. I showered, and, feeling refreshed, began to unpack my bags. The room itself was cramped, with a low sloping ceiling over the bed, but I sort of liked it. It made me feel safe and protected. I snuggled into the bed, but coughed at the musty smell of the sheets. Everything in the Haunted Woods had a slightly mildew twinge to it, because of all the moisture in the air. The mists made it humid all the time. I opened the window wide to air out the smell and took a deep breath of fresh air. I fell asleep thinking I could try to like it here.

Chapter 2

In the morning, a brief interlude of sunshine made the whole forest seem less dreary. I decided to take advantage of the sun by spending some time in the backyard. I bunched up a blanket under one arm, and gathered up my collection of Rarity 180 books in the other.

Choosing a spot in the dewy grass, I unbunched the blanket that was previously under one arm, and spread it flat on the ground. I ungathered down my collection of Rarity 180 books. Both of my owners were English majors and that, combined with my intellectual insecurities, made me partial to pretentious classics like The Annals of Insanity and Snarkie Answers to Stupid Questions. I read and daydreamed intermittently that morning.

As I was about halfway through How to Play the Viola for the bajillionth time, I heard footsteps on the path. Someone was climbing the stairs to the front porch. I wandered around the front of the house to see an ancient unconverted Werelupe knocking on the door. Another Werelupe was with him, but this one was just a pup, barely bigger than a Werehond. The little one was trailing the big one both anxiously and nervously.

Jared opened the door and smiled broadly. He seemed to know these Werelupes. I breathed again and stepped out from my place in the shadows.

"Pulchura!" called Jared. "Come meet my friends, Johnny Meepitheart and his son, j4c0bOMGlyksooohott. The Werelupes are indigenous to the Haunted Woods, and Johnny and his family still maintain the edge of the forest that borders on Kiko Lake."

The elder, unconverted Werelupe nodded to me, but remained eerily still and silent. He was clearly someone who demanded respect. I smiled to them both. The Werehond panted, wagged his tail and howled at the moon. I didn't notice.

"Are you here on some sort of official business?" I asked, wondering why Jared knew a family of Werelupes.

"Oh no," said Johnny. "We just wanted to watch the Yooyu Ball match, and Jared's television is much nicer than ours."

"Damn straight," beamed Jared, as he held the front door and ushered them inside. As they pased through the door, he leaned to me and whispered excitedly, "They're freakin' Werelupes! How cool is that?' I shrugged and offered to make some snacks for the game.

After the game, which we lost to Krawk Island, we stood back on the front porch to bid the Werelupes farewell.

"Welcome to the Haunted Woods, Pulchura," said Johnny just before he turned to leave. "Be careful though, will you? There are Grarrls in these parts." I nodded enthusiastically and thanked him for the advice, but I wasn't really listening.

Chapter 3

My new owner wanted to enrol me in Neoschool, just as the old one had. Jared assumed that if there was a Neoschool store and Neoschool supplies, then there must, too, be a Neoschool nearby. When he failed to find one in the Haunted Woods, he called Laurel and she broke the news to him. He had already bought me a ton of Neoschool supplies. So instead, he insisted I pursue an education the way all denizens of the Haunted Woods did – by feeding the Esophagor and attending lectures with the Brain Tree.

In the morning, I dragged myself along the dark path. The gloom and the spooky chattering noises didn't bother me, but I was dreading any form of social interaction that might befall me. I clutched my Rarity 180 books close to my chest and picked up the pace.

Finally, the clearing came in sight and I tried to step up to the Brain Tree and introduce myself confidently, but I stopped short. My heart leaped into my throat and I froze in my tracks. There were hundreds of other Neopets there. I don't know how I hadn't expected this, but I hadn't. I had hoped I would be the only one. I spun on my heels, resolving to march right back home and tell Jared that I refused to get an education.

That was when I met an inconsequential character named qwerty12345. [ed. Probably not worth new paragraph?]

"Hey," a voice called and I felt something snag my sleeve. "Are you new to the Haunted Woods, because I don't think we've met before? I'm qwerty12345." I made no response, hoping that his vision was based on motion, and if I stayed perfectly still, he'd shrug and leave me alone. Again, he mistook this for shyness. "Ah," he continued. "You must be Jared's new Neopet, Pulchura."

"Just Pulch," I said, letting my hair fall in my face because that always made me feel safer.

"Well Pulch," he said, extending a hand. "Welcome to the Haunted Woods. You stick with me, and I think you'll find this can be a fun place." He grabbed my hand and led me to the centre of the clearing to meet the Brain Tree.

"Welcome," intoned the Brain Tree, but then a sour looked scrunched the bark of his face. "Who are you? I do not know you and that upsets the Brain Tree!" I cowered slightly and involuntarily but said nothing. In a few seconds though, the Brain Tree had begun again. "Ah, you must be Jared's new Neopet, Pulchura."

"Just Pulch," I said again.

"Where did you die!" the Brain Tree bellowed.

"Umm, I haven't died yet, sir," I stammered.

"When do you plan to die?" he roared, unsatisfied with my answer.

"Umm, well," I floundered. "Maybe I don't plan to die," I said defiantly. The Brain Tree scoffed and waved me away dismissively. I scurried to safety at the edge of the clearing.

Students, I discovered, gathered in the clearing first thing in the morning and socialized until the Brain Tree called them to order. They then spent most of the morning taking note of his incessant questions. At lunch, they went to feed the Esophagor, until they had assembled all the answers they needed. When the Brain Tree had all his questions answered, his pupils were dismissed for the day.

My first day was spent sitting quietly and hoping no one would notice me, but it was too late. querty12345 sat beside me. He was staring at me intently, longingly. I didn't notice. I tried to be a good student and absorb myself in my notebook.

At lunch break, I walked quickly, hoping to lose qwerty12345, but he kept pace. We marched through the gloom and the hovering mists. My feet kept catching on rocks and tree roots rendered invisible by the fogs. I was getting frustrated.

By the Esophagor, I spotted a group of girls sitting in a circle and eating their own lunches before feeding the beast. I decided they might be my ticket to solitude. I waved to them, and after exchanging brief confused looks, they waved back. I said," Well, I am going to go eat my lunch now. See you."

"Hi," I said, brushing my hair away from my face in a gesture of gratitude.

"Hello," smiled a pretty Halloween Ixi. "My name is Jenn. What's yours?"

"Pulch," I said, monosyllabicly.

"Hi Pulch," said the Halloween Acara. "I'm Kate. What was that thing with you and qwerty12345?"

"Oh, that?" I said, brushing my hair back across my face. "Nothing. It's just that it's my first day here and he was just, uh, kinda following me around and being friendly and trying to show me the ropes. It was making me really uncomfortable."

"Oh," said Kate, and she looked a bit sad.

"Don't you start drilling her already," Jenn scolded. "It's not her fault if qwerty12345 was looking at her."

"Okay," said Kate. "Have a seat, Pulch." I smiled and sat down on the ground with them.

It was there, in the most of romantic of settings, in the lunch room, sitting on the slimy muddy ground with the Esophagor belching rancid fumes mere metres away, that I first saw him.

Midway through lunch, he walked across the clearing with a group of other Grarrls and they sat together on the far side of the clearing from me. They were all beautiful. One was a hulking Darigan Grarrl; he looked athletic enough to do a lot of damage if he wanted to. On his arm was a gorgeous Elecric Grarrl, who looked briefly in my direction and fixed me with a warning stare. There was also a dainty Faerie Grarrl, small for her species, and a White Grarrl who looked kind of emo. All of them were perfectly proportioned, muscular and toned, and beautiful beyond belief, but he was the most beautiful of all. He was a perfect Halloween Grarrl, his velour vest immaculate, his pale skin smooth and flawless as marble, his teeth glistening even in the dim light. And his eyes. He had these big, beady red eyes that seemed to search my soul. As I stared at him, I realized with a jolt, that he had turned and was staring right back at me.

I averted my eyes.

"Who are they?" I whispered to Jenn and Kate.

"Huh?" said Kate, "Oh, them. They're the Grarrls."

"Are they, uh, available?" I asked through my hair.

"No," said, Jenn, trying to decide if I was joking.

"Oh,"I said. "Do you mean because they're all, like, already with each other?"

"No," said Jenn, staring at me intensely, like I was an idiot. "Because they're Grarrls. They'll eat anything. That one is staring at you like he wants to eat you now."

"Oh," I said dreamily, but he was still staring at me, and I couldn't resist staring back at his perfect face. "What's his name?" I wondered.

"The one licking his lips?" said Jenn. "Umm…"

"I think that one is Earnest," Kate offered.

"Earnest," I breathed.

My soul mate's name was Earnest.

Chapter 4

The next day, our normal classes were cancelled because the Esophagor was suffering from a flare up of his ulcers.

So Sophie the Swamp Witch invited us into her hut to learn some chemistry and potion mixing, not that she was exactly qualified to teach either. I was a bit late to her hut. I had taken an obtuse route in order to lose qwerty12345.

When I stepped into the room, the Grarrl was already there. I decided to make a bold move and sit in the seat right beside him. I gulped a deep breathe, clutched my Rarity 180 books to my chest and took the first step.

As I sauntered toward him, I had his full attention. I saw his beautiful blood-red eyes fix on me. He stared disbelievingly at my approach and I watched the expression on his perfect face shift from incredulity to shock to horror. I quickened my pace, wanting to reach him before I lost my nerve. I slid into the chair clumsily, at exactly the same moment that he pushed away from his desk forcefully. He staggered backward and pressed back against a Halloween Nimmo. The wings made him look like an angel. My angel. Both clawed hands shot to his face as he covered his gaping jaws and flaring nostrils. His eyes darted back and forth like he was losing all control. With his hands over his mouth, he took a few deep breaths to calm himself. Then, he turned sharply and fled from the classroom.

I sat, staring, awe-struck.

"Way to go, Pulch," scoffed the student behind me, poking me with a pencil. "It's difficult enough for Grarrls to get through the public education system without you walking right up to him like a hot dog on wheels."

"If you ask me," ribbed the kid next to him, "she's a specist, and purposely perpetuating the cycle of poverty among inner city Grarrls." They both burst out laughing. I bit my lower lip and tried to ignore them.
Sophie proceeded to explode an Intesteen. No one wanted to break for lunch, so we opted to stay until class was finished. At the sound of bell, exploding, I dashed for the door, but qwerty12345 was already waiting to hold it open for me. I smiled shyly as my hair fell in my face.

"Which class do you have next?" he wondered.

"None," I replied. "It's not even a real school."

"Oh," he stared at me dazedly. "Can I walk you there?"

"No, thank you," I said as gently as I could. "I think I am just going to go home."

"Oh, okay," he nodded, but then wagged a finger as I was about to walk away. He stuttered, then said, "Are you busy this weekend? A whole bunch of us are going to Kiko Lake. It's sort of a Haunted Woods tradition; we all got to Kiko Lake for the first weekend of spring. Do you want to come with me?"

"No," I started to say, but then a thought occurred to me. "Well, maybe. Will Earnest be there?" qwerty12345 was silent for a few seconds, clearly trying to recall who Earnest was.

"Oh, the Grarrl," he said. "No, the Grarrls never come to Kiko Lake."

"Why not?" I was incensed that no one had the decency to invite them.

"Well, that's the Werelupes territory, and they try to keep it as safe as possible for all of us. They don't like the Grarrls there, but it isn't like they have to enforce that. The Grarrls stay away themselves because they know they're dangerous. I mean, come on. It's a beach teeming with Neopets in their bathing suits. All that skin, it must look like a cold cut platter to a Grarrl."

"Oh," I said. "Well thank you for the invitation, but I just remembered. I already promised my old owner I would come visit her in Neopia Central that weekend."

"Neopia Central, eh?" said qwerty12345. "Oh. Well, I hope you have fun then."

"Thanks, qwerty," I said, and began the trek home. I hoped that using the diminutive form of his name hadn't given him any ideas.

The next day, I was excited to go to school, because now I knew what to expect. This time, I decided, I would sit farther away from him and just pass him notes.

Except that he didn't come to school that day, or the next day. The days were unusually sunny for the Haunted Woods, but I found it impossible to take any pleasure in the warm weather with him absent. I stopped wanting to go to school if he wasn't going to be there.

On the third day, when I had almost given up hope, I managed to drag myself out of bed in the morning and give it one more chance before I threw my education and future away for a Grarrl whose face I had seen twice and with whom I had never exchanged words.

He was there.

I stalked carefully around his desk and sat in the row behind him, one seat to the left. To my surprise, he turned around immediately and offered his hand.

"Hello," he smiled. "My name is Earnest."

"Pulchura," I said, homoeothermicly, "but you can call me Pulch."

"Pulch," he nodded, and withdrew his hand, "you must allow me to apologize for my behaviour the other day. You see, I simply wasn't prepared for your… company. It's been so long since anyone was stupid enough to sit beside me, I was a bit taken aback." I bit my lower lip and let my hair fall protectively into place. He continued. "You are welcome to sit with me today," he said, affixing a respirator work mask to his face. He fiddled with it until it clicked securely into place. "Ah, there we go," he withdrew the chair next to him and offered me the seat. "I am a bit better prepared now, and well, it would be nice to have a lab partner."

Me? His lab partner?

My breath caught in my throat, but I forced my body to move. I scrambled into the waiting seat.

"Where do you hail from, Pulch?" Earnest asked. He was engaging me in mundane conversation!

"Neopia Central," I whispered through my hair.

"Ah," he smiled politely, "that explains your unfamiliarity with Grarrls. I suppose. All the same, you really ought to be more careful." I nodded, but I wasn't really listening. I was staring intently into his intoxicatingly perfect face. Even half covered by the gas mask, there was no disguising the beauty of that face.

His reptilian skin was scaly, but an almost phosphorescent glowing pale white, and every scale was as perfectly the same as every other scale, as if he had drawn them all free hand and he was also an artistic master. His eyes were large and perfectly round too and intoned with all the blood lust the world had ever known. When he looked at me, I knew he saw me for what I really was: an inconsequential system of tender muscle attached to bones brimming with rich and tasty marrow. His perfect tongue licked his perfect lips, immune to his own sharp, pointy teeth.

Suddenly, he shook his head violently, and took another deep breath. Then, he turned back to me, the smile reinstated on his perfect face. I had forgotten it was possible for that a face to be more beautiful.

"What brings you to the Haunted Woods?" he wondered. I hurriedly explained to him the situation with Laurel and her new Pea Chia and Jared. He listened politely, and I knew he understood me in a way I didn't even understand myself.

"I don't really understand why you would do that?" he stymied when I finished, and I knew our love would last forever.

Chapter 5

Jared barely recognized me the next morning, I was so excited to get to school. I scarfed down breakfast and blew him a kiss as I stumbled out the door.

My distracted state might have contributed to the encounter with the Meepits. I had nearly reached the Swamp Witch's hut, but I was daydreaming and must have wandered off the path. I noticed because I kept tripping over gnarled tree roots and thick vines. The well worn path had disappeared beneath my feet, replaced by innavigable forest refuse. I wheeled around, searching for a sign of the path. I saw a glimmer of sunlight pressing through the threes to my right. I forced the foliage away, and tripped into a clearing. But it wasn't the path.

By sheer bad luck, foolishness, ignoring advice, failure to stay alert and not paying any attention to where I was going, I found myself surrounded by a horde of Meepits. The Meepits had been in the process of sucking an escaped Jelly Neopet dry when I, rather noisily, interrupted them. Although it was more of a jelly puddle at that point, I had seen a Jelly Neopet and knew too much and they had to kill me now. Of course, I already knew that Jelly World and Jelly Neopets existed. Everyone did, but we had to humour the Meepits to keep up appearances. Oh well, I was willing to die for that.

Carefully, I crept backward, away from the advancing horde of fuzzy demons, but I couldn't see where I was stepping. As soon as I tripped, the first furry cannonball launched itself as my face. Its razor sharp teeth seemed to ripple in its gaping jaws. I braced myself for death by shielding my eyes in the cleft of my elbow. I waited.

A few seconds passed, but I felt nothing; no gnashing teeth tearing my face beyond recognition, no suckling sensation as it drank my blood. The Meepit never reached me. I was a bit disappointed. I removed my average face from my elbow and stared in shock at the scene before me.

My saviour, Earnest, my Earnest, had come to my rescue. There he was, diving between me and Meepits, batting Meepits out of the air, stomping Meepits underfoot. He moved so fast all his motions were a blur; one moment to my left, the next to my right. One daring dervish whirled through the air at his face, but Earnest merely turned, and welcomed the Meepit with open jaws. He swallowed whole. I did nothing to defend myself as I watched, awed.

Dispatching of the final Meepit, he grabbed my hand and whisked me away into the forest. We didn't stop running until we reached the path, where I collapsed, panting. He wasn't even winded.

"Are you okay?" he asked urgently. He gripped my face in his clawed hands and looked deep into my eyes. "How many claws am I holding up?"

My pupils moved back and forth in accordance with his claws, and he checked that I wasn't bleeding or vomiting or losing consciousness. Relieved, he sighed and sat down beside me as I sputtered and coughed.

"Shh," he soothed. "Rest. Take your time. Then we should probably stop by to see my owner. He has an extensive gallery of medical items. He'll know if you need any treatment."

"How did you find me?" I finally forced the words out though my chest was tight with shock.

"I heard you," he said simply.

How could he have heard me? Had I screamed, then? I didn't remember screaming.

"All the way from Sophie's hut?" I asked, incredulous.

"No," he said. "I wasn't all the way there yet. I was on the path. You really weren't that far off it, and Grarrls have very good hearing, you know." I stared. I still wasn't sure I believed him.

"Come on," said Earnest, heaving me to my feet. "Let's go see my owner; he's extra super good at not eating people."

I insisted that I wasn't injured and didn't require any medical treatment, but Earnest lead me swiftly along the path despite my protests.

My jaw dropped as he eased to a stop outside one of the nicest Neohomes in the Haunted Woods. At first I thought he was just slowing to admire it too, but he continued to steer me straight toward the front door. The Neohome in front of us was the standard Haunted Woods style, with purple slatted walls and wrought iron detailing, but this one was huge, encompassing seven peaked turrets. The house was complete with a gazebo and Nova Swimming Pool.

"Is that a robo poogle?" I asked, flabbergasted.

"Yes," he said.

"Awhgwh," I grammared, nodding vigorously.

"It's beautiful," I breathed as we approached the porch. I stumbled slightly, because instead of paying attention to the steps in front of me, I had my neck craned skyward admiring the mansion. Earnest caught my elbow with ease and lifted me lightly back to a stable standing position. I blushed.

"But I don't understand," I continued, hoping to brush off my clumsiness. "Why does your house have an airlock?"

"Because we could afford one," he smiled. "Actually, two."

"Oh," I smiled back. "That makes sense. Where is the other one?"

"Originally, it was centred perfectly against the back door, but we decided to have it hauled up, the foundation relayed, and have the whole thing transported."

"Where is it now?" I wondered.

"Oh," he said dismissively, "about four inches to the left of where it was." With another wry smile, he held open the heavy wrought iron door and ushered me through.

In the foyer alone, I could already see a grand staircase and a gilded chocolate fountain through the gentle ambiance created by dim lighting. The interior was decorated with marble tiling and fancy gold patterned wallpaper. The lobby, I noted, was also lined with expensive potion cabinets, made here in the Haunted Woods, containing every medicinal ingredient and magical cure I could imagine.

"Wait here, Pulchura," said Earnest, and he pushed me down into a plush antique chair gently yet forcefully. "Chris!" he called to his owner as he wandered away down the dimly lit hallway. "Christopher! Are you online?"

"Earnest!" beamed a blonde teenager, coming around the corner to greet his Neopet. I gauged he was a few years younger than either Laurel or Jared, almost too young to have an account this nice. He must have inherited it from on older sibling or something. He wiped a few beads of sweat away from his brow; it looked like he had been in process of moving some furniture around. He clearly spent a lot of time on his Neohome. "What can I do for you, buddy?"

"My friend Pulchura, from class, she was attached by Meepits on her way to school this morning. Can you check to make sure she's okay?" he explained the situation quickly but calmly.

"Oh dear," Chris' mouth twisted at the corners as he considered the potential severity of a meepit ambush. "Let me take a look."

"Chris," said Earnest, waving him in toward me, "this is Pulchura. Pulchura, this is my owner, Chris."

"Just Pulch," I said, turning my head into my hair.

"How are you feeling then, Pulch?" asked Chris. His kind smile was irresistible.

"Fine," I said. "I'm fine, really."

"Well, let me take a look at you anyway, okay?" I nodded feebly.

Carefully, Chris felt for a pulse and counted. He checked the tips of my fingers and pressed his own hand against my forehead. He waved a few fingers in front of my face. "No serious damage," he concluded, addressing Earnest. "She isn't too pale or cool to the touch, her extremities aren't cold or discoloured and she doesn't seem to have any concussion. She doesn't even seem to be in shock, but I imagine she must be a bit shaken by the whole ordeal."

"No," I protested. "I am fine, thanks to Earnest. He saved me from the meepits."

"Did he?" Chris smiled and patted Earnest on the back. "That's my Grarrl."

"Yes," I continued, "but I don't understand how he did it; he took on at least ten meepits by himself and won. He moved so fast, flinging meepits away with his claws, snatching meepits out of midair with his jaws. He is so strong. No normal Neopet could have done that." Earnest was glaring at me, as if warning me not to ask such questions, or perhaps I was just embarrassing him. I glared back. I wasn't about to let it go until I got some answers.

"Ah, but Earnest is a Grarrl," said Chris. "As you well know, Grarrls are among the largest species of Neopet, measuring one hundred centimetres, compared to your twenty-five centimetres." He dashed to the other side of the room and pulled down the familiar species size chart, in which the Grarrl figured prominently. "So no surprise his movements seem super fast to you; you can run quickly with a stride that big. Grarrls are huge, and strong too; those powerful jaws can crush, well, our stone patio furniture for one, and my steel desk for another – and their digestive system can handle it too! Isn't that incredible?"

"A little too incredible," I responded, narrowing my eyes. "Why, it's almost unbelievable."

"No, no, that's just the way Grarrls are," Chris laughed, invalidating my very serious comment.

"May I speak to you?" I turned to Earnest instead. He nodded. "Privately?" I hissed.

"Uh, Chris," he motioned. "Do you mind giving us a few minutes?"

"Oh," said Chris. "Of course. You kids have fun. Pulchura, you welcome in our home any time."

"Thank you," I mumbled to his retreating figure. "What are you really?" I demanded of Earnest with renewed force and determination.

"A Grarrl," he bobbed cheerfully with his hands in his pockets.

"Don't do that," I snarled. "Stop lying to me, and changing the subject, and pretending I imagined it. I know what I saw, and I want to know the truth!" I crossed my arms across my chest and stomped my feet and scowled.

Earnest sighed, seemingly resigning, and I thought I was finally going to get to the bottom of this.

"Allow me to speak cryptically with you, Pulchura?" he requested, gripping me by the shoulders and staring into my eyes. I nodded. He squeezed his eyes for a few seconds, preparing his speech. Then he said, "The truth?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"What if the truth was too awful to tell? What if the secrets of my true nature are too dark, too terrible, too horrible to be told? You think you want the truth, but I am telling you that you don't. The truth would tear you away from me, or me tear you from you. So I am asking you, if you care about me, not to ask any more questions, not to push this any further."

I nodded, gnawing at my lower lip. I felt weak in his embrace, like I was trembling, but his grip kept us both perfectly still. I stared transfixed, lost in the intensity of the gaze from his gorgeous blooden eyes. "I promise," I whispered, and with that, I fled the eerie mansion.

Chapter 6

As soon as I arrived at the Brain Tree the next morning, qwerty12345 came rushing up to me. I groaned inwardly.

"Pulch! I am so sorry," he said, panting from running. "I heard about what happened to you yesterday."

"Why are you sorry?" I wondered.

"Well, uh," he hesitated, contorting his face in a most unattractive way, "because one of those meepits was, uh, my petpet."

"What!" I screeched. "Why in the Jelly World do you own a meepit?"

"I, uh, I-I didn't know they were evil when I got him. He seemed so cute and fuzzy and cuddly. I didn't know he was using me to usher an army further into the mainland as part of their plan for world domination."

Idiot, I thought. How could anyone not know a meepit was evil? I thought this, but outwardly the only trace of my condemnation was a loud sign, a tapping of my foot, and a sneering glare.

"Let me make it up to you!" he kept stammering. "Can you come to Kiko Lake this weekend? I could take you out to dinner or something first? Please?"

I sighed louder. I didn't want to go through this again.

Then a thought occurred to me, and I started. Thoughts always startled me slightly because I am not used to them.

"Sure," I smiled at qwerty12345. "I'd like that."

"Awe–uh-awesome," he stammered. "Great! See you on Saturday."

"Yeah," I grinned.

The Werelupes seemed to know something about the Grarrls and the dangerous secret they guarded. Maybe I could trick one of them into telling me something useful.

Saturday morning arrived with sunny blue skies and a crisp breeze and qwerty12345 pounding on my door. He had come to walk me to Kiko Lake, which Jared thought was sweet. I cringed. I was nervous about walking all the way to Kiko Lake with him, but was relieved when I opened the door to see that Jenn and Kate were with him. We all chatted easily on the way over. It was obvious that Kate had a crush on qwerty12345. At least, it was obvious to everyone but qwerty12345. She kept trying to keep his attention, which at least let me off the hook.

Our stretch of the Kiko Lake beach was quite beautiful. The sun reflected harsh rays off the still greenish waters, and giant spruce trees framed the long sloping shore. The beach itself was strewn with rocks, pebbles and hunks of drift wood.

When we arrived, a group of kids were arranging the driftwood into a circle of benches and building a bon fire in the middle. Jenn, Kate and qwerty12345 hurried into the fray to greet their friends. I followed casually, but something else had caught my attention. The little Werelupe, j4c0bOMGlyksooohott, was there too. I figured he was a fair bit younger than most of the kids there. He was sitting on his own, on a piece of driftwood not yet assimilated into the bonfire seating, all alone, whittling a stick by himself. He seemed to have a bit of a crush on me, and I figured I could pretend to be interested in order to exploit that for information about the boy I was actually interested in.

What luck I was having! All of a sudden I had all the pieces I need to complete this puzzle, and all I had to do was mislead and break the hearts of not one, but two boys who clearly worshipped the ground I walked on.

As I approached j4c0bOMGlyksooohott, he glanced up from his whittling. A smile spread across his canine snout. I smiled back sweetly and shyly, and brushed my hair out of my face to indicate interest. I let the wind whip my hair around a bit for extra effect.

"May I join you?" I motioned to the piece of driftwood, and he quickly moved over to give me space to sit.

"Hi Pulch," he said, a red flush rising through his fur.

"Hi j4c0b," I said. "What are you doing here?"

"My family are the stewards of these lands," he beamed proudly. "I am patrolling the party, to keep it safe from any Grarrl intruders."

Finally, I thought, he was giving me what I wanted.

"Do you care to come for a walk on the beach with me?" I suggested, and the little Werelupe jumped up eagerly. We walked in silence for some time, staring out across the glassy blue-green lake and kicking pebbles along as we went. As we reached the far end of the beach, j4c0bOMGlyksooohott suggested we turn back the other direction because we were nearing the edge of Werelupe territory. There might be Grarrls hunting in the woods beyond.

"Oh? What exactly do you know about the Grarrls?" I queried as I reached for his paw.

"Well," he shrugged, "they seem like a nice enough family, but they are Grarrls." I cocked my head to the side, encouraging him to go on. "Grarrls are all naturally dangerous; they have insatiable appetites and they cannot control their hunger. They'll eat anything at all."

"Are they very fast and very strong too?" I wondered.

"Oh yes," the Werehond nodded vigorously. "That's why they're so dangerous. They might mean well, but once they've caught the scent of food, nothing can stop them."

"So you never let them on your lands?" I clarified.

"No, not in many moons. We have had an understanding, a sort of safety treaty, since one of the Grarrls attacked our owner way back in Year 2," he said. He seemed almost proud that his owner had survived a Grarrl attack.

"Year 2?" I counted on my fingers. "So there was another family of Grarrls here before?"

"No," said j4c0bOMGlyksooohott, fixing me with a cryptic stare, "the same ones."

"Thank you so much for spending this lovely afternoon with me," I said, desperately trying to untangle my hand from his. "It's been wonderful, but I have to go now. Goodbye!" I wrenched away and ran back to the trails. The little Werelupe whimpered and stared after me with giant glossy puppy dog eyes as I disappeared into the forest.

All this talk of Grarrls, and surely it was just talk, just ancient myths and legends, but something about these stories reminded me of Earnest. I had to find out more.

Chapter 7

In bed that night, I tossed and turned and struggled with the sheets. I cracked the window to drain some of the stuffy air and excess body heat I had created with my thrashing about. The humidity leaked out of the room, and I straightened the sheets, but I still couldn't get back to sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking about the scary stories j4c0bOMGlyksooohott had told me on the beach. I had slept briefly, but my sleep had been plagued by confusing and upsetting nightmares.

First, I am in the forest. I am searching for something, but I don't know what. There is a light in the distance, and I have to shield my eyes to stare directly at it, because it presents such a sharp contrast from the dim, dark woods. I keep pressing forward, through the trees, pushing branches and bushes out of my way. I know now I am trying to reach a ray of sunlight that comes crashing down into the distant forest, but no matter how much I move, I never seem to get any closer to it. My feet start to snag on tangled roots and cleft rocks and soon I am stumbling more than I am walking. My hands are aching from breaking my falls, and when I look down at them, they are covered in blood.

I am calling now, calling for him to come find me, and he does. I am sinking to my knees in the boggy ground when I see his dinosaur silhouette shading me and I realize he has emerged from the ray of light itself. He comes toward me and I struggle to my feet to greet him, but as I do I get scared. Something is wrong. He hasn't come to help me at all. He has smelled the blood on my hands and, like a predator, has come to kill me. I try to turn, to run, but I am transfixed by his beautiful face, coming ever closer. He smiles at me, but his smile is lined with sharp, glinting fangs. He opens his jaws wide and lunges.

And then I woke up. I haven't been able to sleep since.

Finally conceding the futility of trying, I launched myself from the bed and decided it was time to confront this thing. I would use the internet, or as I like to call it, the truth machine.

So I pressed the start key and waited. It was an old computer and took a while to get going. I showered and felt much fresher and more alert. Then I sat back down at my desk and brushed my hair while the computer wheezed and steamed.

When the computer was ready, I command the operating system to open and connected to the internet. The world wide web application program whirred to life and I navigated to the net. There, I e-mailed Google my suspicions and waited for Google to e-mail me back. It took forever. Or maybe it just felt like forever because I was so anxious, but it did seem to be taking a long time.

My old owner, Laurel, e-mailed me fourteen times in the time I was waiting. She was always e-mailing. She was feeling so guilty about transferring me. She felt she had abandoned me, even though transferring is perfectly legal now. She always wanted to know that I was okay, that I was doing well, that I was happy here. Being spiteful with a total disregard for others, I refused to give her the comfort of a response. As I was dragging her e-mails one by one to the delete key, I heard a beep. Google had e-mailed me back. I checked the message eagerly.

Google had returned dozens of results, and although all were species of Neopet, none of them were quite like Earnest. I read through many descriptions, but none seemed congruent with either him or the legends I had been told that day. Then, I noticed one I hadn't looked at the first time through. I started to read.

Yes. Yes, that was it. So it was possible after all.

I gasped at the revelation, but as unbelievable as it was, I already knew it was the truth.

Chapter 8

Our next class was with Sophie the Swamp Witch again.

Today, she was attempting to teach us potion brewing. She had her huge iron cauldron set up in the centre of the classroom and was making an utter mess, rummaging through a musty old trunk and tossing ingredients haphazardly into the brew. The potion itself was churning and bubbling and spewing all over.

I gagged as the fumes wafted our way, but Earnest seemed cheery.

"At least it isn't appetizing!" he smiled and I smiled back.

My smile dissolved into a fixated stare. I surveyed his face carefully, hoping he wouldn't notice my nose half an inch from his beautiful eyeball. There was still something so mysterious, so enticing, so sensual about him. I might have promised not to ask, but I hadn't promised not to wonder. I stared at him for another four hundred pages, but I still hadn't figured it out.

"What else do we need?" Sophie said, tapping her chin and talking to herself. She was not asking the class a question. "Still need something, I am sure, but I cannot for the life of me remember what – ooh! I know. That furry flavour you get from sweat and hair and dead skin cells. That should make it just about perfect. Class!" she called and the kids turned theirs heads up. "May I get a volunteer?"

No one volunteered, though Sophie gave us a pleading smile.

"Pulchura," she said, turning to me and clasping her hands together. "You're still fairly new here. You haven't done this yet. Do you think you could help me make this a perfect potion?" I doubted that very much, but I shrugged and stepped forward.

"What do you need me to do?" I asked.

"Just strip to your undergarments and bathe in the brew for a while until it has soaked up your flavour," she said. "It's a nice temperature, just like bath water. The bubbling is due a chemical reaction, not heat."

I shrugged again and started to strip, but Earnest's hand shot up in the air.

"Yes, Earnest?" said Sophie.

"Uh, Miss Swamp Witch," he said, "may I be excused from this portion of the potion lesson?"

"Oh," she put a hoof to her mouth. "Of course you can, Earnest. I imagine something like this must be very hard for you. You can study on your own by the Brain Tree this afternoon."

"Thank you, Miss," Earnest bowed slightly then rushed out the door, gulping the fresh air. I continued to strip and wade into the cauldron. It was quite nice really, filled with tiny tingly bubbles. I was disappointed that Earnest wasn't there anymore, but at least I knew where he'd be when class was dismissed.

After I had towelled myself dry and changed my clothes, I sought Earnest by the Brain Tree. He wasn't studying anymore. He was leaning against the tree with his books under his arm, as if he was waiting for me. I rushed to him, but he put out his hand to stop me. I was struck by the same funny feeling he had given me in my dream.

"Please," he begged me, his voice slightly choked. "You cannot keep coming at me like this. I care for you too, Pulchura, and I wanted to think we could be friends, but I know now that we cannot.

"It's too dangerous and I care about you too much to risk harming you. We cannot be friends. We cannot be together, Pulchura. So it would be best for both of us if you could just put that out of your mind now."

"What?" I chagrined. I was crushed. My heart was ripped to shreds and I had no idea what had brought that on.

"Please, Pulchura," he pleaded, his beautiful blood-red eyes fixed on mine, staring deeply into mine.

"Okay," I agreed, because I would do anything he asked of me. And with that, I turned on my heels and walked away hoping he wouldn't hear me sob.

Chapter 9

The following weekend, I had nothing to do and nothing to live for without Earnest in my life. So I finally agreed to visit Laurel in Neopia Central. Why not? I set out at sunrise, because I was going to be walking the whole way by myself. It's not really the safest thing to do, walking through the Haunted Woods alone, but I didn't much care. I had lost the will to live.

Anyway, the point is that I managed to get myself into another dangerous situation involving meepits. I guess. I cannot be sure because I had no reason to live at the time. I might have brought it on myself, because subconsciously I wanted to die. I had lost the will to live and cannot be held accountable for my actions.

My reason to live was restored when Earnest saved me yet again. As soon as we were safe, he collapsed in a heap and lay his head in his hands.

"Pulchura," he started to say but I interrupted him.

"What are you doing here?" I interrogated him, placing my paws firmly on my hips. "I thought you said you didn't want to be friends. How did you find me anyway?"

Of course, I was thrilled to have him there, but I didn't want him to know that so soon. I still felt it was my duty to be cranky and treat him poorly.

"Pulchura," he moaned, "I am so sorry, Pulchura.

"It's true. I told you to stay away from me, but I couldn't stay away from you. I just couldn't… be without you any longer. That's how I found you. I was following you." He gave a sharp cry of agony, his slender claws still obscuring his perfect face.

"I…" I faltered. "I don't want to be without you either."

Earnest turned his perfect face toward me slowly. Its expression was unreadable but his eyes brimmed with hope and love.

At that moment, with the wind whipping my hair in my face and the trees swishing as if we were all swaying to the same rhythm, I realized I was deeply in love with Earnest. [ed. What were you before?]

"Let's get you out of here," Earnest said, rising nimbly to his feet and taking me by the arm. He turned me away from Neopia Central and back toward the Haunted Woods, home as I was beginning to see it.

"Where were you going anyway?" he wondered. "What were you doing so far out here all alone?"

"Nowhere," I shrugged, abandoning my plan to visit Laurel that weekend. I wanted to spend it with Earnest instead. I would go wherever he led me.

"Do you want to come somewhere with me then?" he asked with a glint in his blood-red eyes. I nodded. "I want to show you something."

We walked along the path together for some time. I asked him plenty of questions, but he dodged them all, saying only, "You'll see."

Still far from the village, he changed direction and led me off the path straight into the heart of the forest. At first he simply pushed the braches out of his way and held them for me to pass, but when we were far enough into the cover of the trees and away from any possible prying eyes, he stopped.

"Do you want a ride?" he offered. I stared dumbfounded. "We will move faster if I run." He knelt on one knee and offered me his hand. I stepped forward hesitantly and took his hand carefully.

As easily as if I were a bag of feathers, he swung me onto his back and was standing again. The sudden motion gave me a head rush.

"Ready?" he asked, and I nodded sheepishly although I was on his back where he couldn't see it. He hadn't waited for a response anyway. He simply said, "Hang on tight." I locked my arms around his neck as he started his run.

Rocks. Stones. Pebbles. Roots. Ground. All were blurring beneath his giant strides. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut to stop the vertigo, then opened them again. We were still moving at an alarming rate. I dared to look up. Trees. Limbs. Branches. Boughs. Pinecones. All were rushing past me on either side, yet nothing ever hit me. I opened my eyes wider. The trees themselves seemed to be moving, but it was just our speed creating an illusion. There had been no breeze, but my hair whipped all around in the wind Earnest was creating. He was moving so fast! His loping strides carried us at super speed through the forest until we reached a clearing I had never known was there. I hadn't even seen it approaching. I didn't feel a jolt as Earnest stopped. Just one second we were moving and the next we weren't.

In the clearing, he put me down, and stared deeply into my eyes. Then he disappeared. At least, it seemed he had disappeared, he was moving so fast. He was simply darting around the clearing, not running around in a circle, but moving from one side to the other, almost instantaneously.

The clearing itself was beautiful, enshrined by giant ancient pines and kept mysteriously dark by their canopy. A few rays of sunlight flickered an intricate pattern on the mossy ground. I thought I saw something sparkle as Earnest darted across those patches.

Then, suddenly, Earnest was scaling one of the trees. He climbed swiftly and reached the top of the swaying spruce in seconds. He waved to me, grinned, then jumped. In a moment, he was standing before me on the ground again.

"Wow," I breathed, breathlessly. "How do you do that? You're impossibly fast and strong."

"It's all about the species," he assured me. "We are very fast and very strong."

Then he took me in my arms, twirled me and laid me gently in the grass just at the edge of the trees. We lay softly in a bed of pine needles, and I leaned against his scaly chest.

I raised myself onto one elbow, and searched his face. I looked into his beautiful blood-red eyes and whispered, "I know what you are."

"Say it," he sayed.

"Skeith," I forced through my teeth, both scared and empowered by saying it out loud.

"Close enough," he cooed, and patted me gently on the head.

Chapter 10

"So you'll eat just about anything then?" I asked.

"I can," he agreed.

"Do you eat other Neopets?" I asked, somehow both afraid and not afraid of the answer.

"Don't worry. I'm a vegetarian," he assured me. "I only eat Chias."

"Oh, but it must be tempting?" I nodded, proud of myself for this rare moment of insight.

"Of course," he grinned. "It's extremely difficult to control the cravings and suppress the hunger. Especially around you."

"Me?" I sputtered.

"Yes, you," he smiled and an ethereal light lit up his eyes. "All Neopets are not created equal and all Grarrls have our own personal tastes. In the same way a Neopet might be ridiculously attractive to you, but not to another, so too do we find some Neopets more appetizing than others."

I contorted my face around that sentence, but I thought I understood.

"You find me appetizing?" I was almost afraid to ask. It was too much to hope for.

"Mouth watering," he responded. "You are the pepito to my Jetsam, the non-apple to my Kyrii, the perfect algorithim arranged to match the number of letters in my name… and my heart." He took my paw and placed it gently on top of his bare scaly skin and I felt his powerful Grarrl heartbeat. I lay my head into the cleft of his chest and we stayed there for a long time.

"Why do you miss so much school?" I wondered when I wrenched myself up on my elbow. I couldn't stand not looking at him for another minute.

"Oh?" he said. "Well, at first, I had to leave until I could control my hunger urges around you. The first time you sat next to me I almost devoured you right then and there."

"No, no," I clarified. "I meant the sunny days. Whenever the sunshine graces the Haunted Woods, which is rare enough to be worth noting, you always disappear those same days. Why?"

"Uh, gah. I, er, uh, um… bleh!" he bared his fangs slightly, then shook his head sadly.

"Pulchura?" Earnest grasped my hands as he lurched to his feet. "It's time I revealed the terrible truth about me, about all Grarrls."

"You mean aside from the truth about you eating other Neopets?" I wondered.

"Shhh," he placed a claw to my lips. "The truth is that we are all cursed with these perfect physiques, polite social mannerisms, and alluring beauty, all to lure prey to us. The sunshine unleashes our ultimate weapon."

"All Grarrls across Neopet combine into some sort of giant Megazord Grarrl?"

"No," he shook his head sadlier. "It's something even more sinister than that. The truth," he began again. "Direct sunlight makes us even more beautiful than we already are." I gasped. I couldn't imagine anything more beautiful than Earnest, just the way he was before me now. "The sunshine transforms us into something so breathtakingly beautiful, that you will never see anything so beautiful ever again, but you will spend the rest of your life searching for it, like trying to recreate your first high. The absence of that beauty, once you've seen it, is enough to drive one insane. It's enough to kill a Neopet. By suicide."

"Show me," I whispered, immediately.

"No," he said, then, "No. I could never do that to you. I could never show you such beauty and then take it away from you."

"But you won't take it away," I pleaded. "Now that I know you, I want to know all of you, and we will be together forever. Whenever I start going crazy, you can just step into the sunlight again, and cure me. You'll never take yourself away from me, will you?" I looked into his beautiful blood red eyes and offered up a silent prayer.

Almost so fast I couldn't see his movements, he broke away from me and teetered, brooding in the shadows of the forest edge. He turned his perfect face away from me, almost as if he couldn't bear to look at me, but then, just as suddenly, he had made his decision. He burst from the shadows into the light of the clearing.

As he leapt into the sunshine, I saw a shimmer as his powerful Grarrl form rippled and transformed into a … no, it couldn't be, could it? It couldn't possibly be. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The divine form landed gracefully on the soft grass in the centre of the clearing, and waited for me. It was a Faerie Poogle.

My Earnest had become a Faerie Poogle!

In the centre of the clearing, he looked like he was wearing a ray of sunshine. The dew drops sparkled on the grass all around him and, could it be? Yes, he himself was sparkling too, his silky, luscious purple fur glittering and his giant wings, soft and fluffy as clouds, fluttering in anticipation. I rushed toward him, and he knelt so that I could mount him. I clutched his thick, luxurious mane tightly, and with that, we took off into the sky. We spent the whole afternoon circling and wheeling around the massive fir trees and it was the best part of the book.

Chapter 11

Earnest brought me all the way back home that night, and lingered at the porch, but I suggested he stop there.

"Jared isn't too fond of Grarrls," I explained. "He's been a bit poisoned by the Werelupes."

"Ah, I can't blame him," said Earnest. "The Werelupes are just doing their job. You go ahead and say goodnight and get ready for bed. I will just wait, hiding in the shadows of your garden, watching you through your bedroom window, and then I will climb in through your window."

I was elated. With a careful kiss on the lips, I scampered into the house.

As soon as I settled into bed, he materialized beside me, almost instantly. He cradled me in my bed, stroking my fur and staring intently with his beautiful blood red eyes.

"How old are you?" he wondered.

"Sixteen months," I responded. He frowned slightly. I added hastily, "Almost seventeen. I was created in Year 11. Why? How old are you?"

"Much older than that," he laughed patronizingly. "Grarrls live a long time, and were one of the original species of Neopets available when the site launched."

"How old?" I pushed myself up to a sitting position now and demanded he tell me all the truths there were to tell. "What year were you created?"

"Year 2," he sighed and squeezed me tight.

Year 2! Earnest was older than I had ever imagined. Ten years ago was ancient history on the internet, a time period I could relate to only through historical fiction, but he had lived it. Earnest was older than the Battledome, older than the Snowager, indeed older than most of Neopia itself. He had built those muscles at Grundo's Gym, witnessed the discovery of Terror Mountain and then Tyrannia within its cavernous depths. He might well have fought in the first Tyrannian War himself! He was older than my whole species, and many others too. I gasped, then blanched, but he just held me tighter. At least I was right about Chris inheriting his account from an older sibling, or even parent!

"Are you okay with it?" he asked tentatively.

"Are you kidding?" I replied. "That's amazing! Did you ever meet a Macy Gray?"

"I dated one," he beamed proudly but I felt a shrill of jealously sting up my spine.

Of course, in ten years, he would have had other girlfriends. That was normal. He just didn't love them as much as he loved me and that was that. I felt better now. He seemed to still be thinking on the subject though.

"So, uh, sixteen months," he stammered. "Have you ever, uh, well, you know. Have you ever…"

"Discussed religion or politics on the Neoboards?" Earnest looked shocked that I had said something so vulgar so bluntly. It was my turn to press a paw to his lips and alleviate his fears. "No, never."

"So you must know nothing at all about world issues, nor have had any opportunity to develop your own views and opinions through discussion with others," he didn't sound as proud of my purity as I was.

"What about you?" I asked.

"Oh, no," he said quickly. "Never."

"Good," I smiled.

"What about, uh, um," he continued. Apparently the conversation was not over. I wasn't used to discussing things. "Have you ever, uh…"

"Posted on offsite link," I supplied. "No.

"Or, um…"

"Followed an offsite link," I could already finish his sentences for him. "Not that either."

"Really? Not even the approved advertisements from concerned public charities?" he seemed surprised at that one.

"None," I assured him. "Ever."

"Oh," he shook his head slightly. "So you've never followed that banner ad –"

"No."

"- by the Women's Shelter that –"

"No."

" – links to the quiz about identifying the signs of any abusive relationship?"

"No, no, and no," I assured him, kissing his lips frantically.

"All right!" he said. "Anyway, you go to sleep now and I will sit in the chair beside your bed and watch you sleep all night and every night from now on."

"Aren't you going to sleep?" I wondered, hoping he would stay cuddled up with me all night.

"Grarrl. Remember?" he teased. "Grarrls don't need much sleep."

"Aren't you afraid you might eat me while I'm incapacitated and laid out on a slab for you?" I checked, just as a formality.

"Well, I have been known to sleep eat," he considered, "but no, I am not hungry."

"But you're eating your own shirt right now," I checked again.

"Nowlihmnawt," he spoke with his mouth full of burlap sack. He was indeed slurping the shirt off his own back, twisting around comically to tear off the last bit on his left shoulder, and chewing furiously. The burlap sack was the only shirt he had left, having devoured all the others he brought throughout the day. I didn't mind. That just meant I got to look at his bare scaly chest again. He swallowed. "You just lie back and relax and I will sit right here and stare at you while you sleep." That sounded agreeable and normal.

I sank into a deep sleep, having never felt safer than I did with Earnest, who found me more appetizing than any other Neopet he had ever met, there beside me.

Chapter 12

In the morning, Earnest crept out through the window, the way he had come, and I went down to breakfast. Jared looked ill at ease as I swung my backpack over my shoulder and reached for the front door.

"Be careful today, eh?" he demanded.

"Why?" I wondered.

"It's Grarrl day, which means the Neopets Team is going to release a whole truckload of Grarrls today, and they're going to be created by negligent owners who only want them for the novelty or secret avatar. Now, I know, you've gotten to know some of the older Grarrls who have lived in the Haunted Woods for years, and you think they're pretty swell, but new born Grarrls have no experience controlling their hunger and these ones certainly aren't going to be well trained or well fed. Unfortunately, most of those newbie types who will create Grarrls today also make their home in the Haunted Woods. So just be careful today, will you?"

"Oh, Jared. I will," I dismissed his concerns with a wave of my hand. I knew Earnest would protect me. "I always am."

"You never are!" he called after me, but I was already out the door.

Suddenly, a whole bunch of action happened at the very end of the story! A stranger Grarrl lured me to Neopia Central by claiming to be holding Laurel hostage. I cannot explain exactly what possessed me to save Laurel at the risk of my own life, because she never took much interest me, not enough to even paint me, and she did abandon me, but still, I went to save her, only to find that the stranger Grarrl didn't have her after all.

Fortunately for me, Earnest and his family, including the clairvoyant one, followed me and came to my rescue. Lucky that his one sister was clairvoyant all along or they never would have found me in time.

My Grarrls fought the stranger Grarrl, and defeated him, but not before he had forced me to drink some of a Grarrl morphing potion. Earnest had to suck the morphing potion out before it turned me into a Grarrl, although I don't understand why he didn't just let me become a Grarrl too, because then we would be equals and he wouldn't have to worry about me being weak, slow, fragile or edible. He was pretty adamant about me staying that way though. [ed. You probably should have followed that offsite link.]

The whole scene was very tense. I chagrined. He chagrined. I bit my lip. We chagrain together. [ed. And I quit.]

Anyway, he sucked the morphing potion out of me and somehow managed to stop himself from eating me entirely. The Grarrl morphing potion had no effect on him because he was already a Grarrl.

Then he took me to prom.

But it was too late. I had already had an idea. I had made my decision.

Someday. I was going to be a –

CHOMP!

There will be no sequels.