THE COW WARS
"When it comes to cows, ladies and gentlemen, it's them or us, right? If a cow could eat you, it would."
-Greg Proops
CHAPTER ONE: IT BEGINS
Elwood the necromancer battled the evil minions of Tristram, summoning his blood golem to do his work for him. Paired with an Iron Maiden spell, he was unstoppable. (There's a hint there for the game, you know.) The red creature slashed at the monsters that had transformed the once peaceful town of Tristram into what it was now: a burning heap of rubble, all its inhabitants dead or transformed, save for one.
The aforementioned clutched to the bars of his cage that was suspended several feet above the ground, hearing the satisfying splat of the creature corpses as they hit the dead ground. He sat up, trying to see what might be his salvation.
Elwood set his crossbow and pulled the trigger, sending a bolt at a tremendous speed into the forehead of the undead Griswold, the ex-blacksmith. The possessed form crashed to the ground.
The blood golem following him, Elwood battled along the perimeter of the town, slowly working his way in where he had known Deckard Cain would be. Crossbow bolts flew and creatures died, Elwood and the golem leaving a trail of corpses in their wake.
The golem threw a hard punch into the face of a carver priest, a small, weak, creature that could revive its friends. The priest was blown to the floor in a burst of blood. Elwood went to the fallen creature to relieve it of its belongings when he saw the body of a small boy several feet away.
Elwood knelt down to the boy, and saw that the child had legs that were much to small to be human. The legs looked like that of a pig, but the rest looked like a regular human child. He glanced at the pig-legged boy's shirt and saw a large, blue nametag that read:
Greetings. My Name Is:
WIRT
I Like:
MONEY
I Don't Like:
DELTA BURKE
Elwood shook his head, angry that the forces of hell could take the lives of children. He was about to leave the stiff when he saw a bright glitter in the deformed leg of the youth. It was the unmistakable glitter of gold. Elwood lightly tugged on the leg, simultaneously summoning a couple of skeletal mages to watch his back.
The leg easily popped off, spilling gold coins from the spot where the limb had been. Elwood pocketed the leg and the gold, and then headed for Cain.
The four forms approached Deckard Cain's cage, one human, the others something else. He hit the bars of the cage, screaming "OVER HERE! HEY! I'M RIGHT HERE!"
The figures got closer, extinguishing the waves of monsters that came at them. The human shot a crossbow bolt into the rope that held Cain's cage above the ground, and the wooden prison fell to the ground, prompting a loud "OOF" from Deckard.
"Thank you, my friends."
The necromancer just nodded and said, "Go. Hey, has anyone ever told you you sound like--"
"YES. I already know I sound like Sean Connery."
"Oh, ok then. Go."
Cain did as he was told.
Elwood and his minions battled their way to an open spot in a clearing away from the fires of the town. Elwood went into his backpack and pulled out his Tome of Town Portal. He used the first scroll in the book, and a blue portal appeared before the warriors. They each stepped in, and reappeared in the camp of the Sisters of the Sightless Eye.
After a talk with Cain and the residents in the camp, Elwood put Wirt's leg into his stash, not exactly sure why.
****
"ALL HAIL OUR SAVIOR!!!!! ALL HAIL ELWOOD!!!!"
The Sisters of the Sightless Eye rejoiced at the vision of their hero's return. He had slain the evils that had inhabited their world, destroyed the bloodstones, and saved the world. He had returned to the camp to say hello to some old friends and to spend the night with Charsi the blacksmith, wink wink nudge nudge.
Eventually, night fell and the inhabitants of the camp went to sleep. Everyone except for Elwood and Charsi, of course . . .
"So, baby, what's going on?"
"Nothin'. Just fixin' some weapons, killin' some monsters."
"True, true."
"So."
"So."
"……"
"……."
"……."
"You know, I died once."
"Yeah?"
"Yep. Kinda weird though. I just reappeared back at the nearest town. I actually saw my own corpse when I went back to the place where I died."
"Oh. So, uh, what was Diablo like?"
"Oh, you know. Big, red, horny."
"Well, then. It seems that you both have one thing in common."
"Hehehehe. Why, yes. I am hor--"
"You're both really big."
"Oh. Big. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking of."
"What about Baal?"
"He's a pussy."
"Oh."
"……."
"……"
"So, wanna do it?"
"All right. But only if you cover up that ugly mug."
"Done."
Elwood immediately whipped out a paper bag and cut one hole for breathing. He then placed it over his head. (Idea stolen from "Scary Movie 2" starring Marlon Wayans, 2001.)
"Let's go, baby."
Ash sat behind a tent, listening in on their conversation (or lack thereof). He saw the hero pick up Charsi and throw her into a tent. He then disrobed and threw all of his clothes into his stash, jumping into the tent right after.
Ash was a traveling thief, his parents killed by the evil when he was young. He had survived by trading stolen goods for food and clothing. Of course, the belongings of the man who saved the world would fetch quite a price.
Ash ran over to Elwood's stash and picked the locks with the picks he had made from extra metal that Charsi didn't need.
He opened the chest and took out all of Elwood's clothes and belongings, stuffing them into his cart. All in all, he had a bunch of weapons, armor, diamonds, and some assorted knickknacks. Basically, this stuff would keep him alive for a year. Now all he had to do was go East, to the next town.
****
Ash wiped the sweat from his head and took a swig from his canteen. He stopped for a moment, letting the heavy cart roll to a stop. Ash pulled the map from his robe. According to it, he was halfway to the money. After a short rest, Ash began pushing the cart again. After several minutes, the cart hit a rock and jumped, sending four items to the ground. The first was a breastplate, which Ash put on top of the cart. The second was a strange ornately designed cube, which had a removable top. He put the last two items in it, a Tome of Town Portal and . . . a pig leg? He put the top back on and placed the item upside-down on the top of the cart, so that the top wouldn't come off and he wouldn't have to do everything again. When he fully turned it over, however, he noticed something strange.
A button was at the bottom of the box with a strange symbol on it. As any curious thirteen-year-old would do, he pushed it.
A red portal opened in front of him. As any curious thirteen-year old would do, he entered it.
What he saw defied all logic.
COMING SOON:
CHAPTER TWO: THE LAND OF THE COWS!
"When it comes to cows, ladies and gentlemen, it's them or us, right? If a cow could eat you, it would."
-Greg Proops
CHAPTER ONE: IT BEGINS
Elwood the necromancer battled the evil minions of Tristram, summoning his blood golem to do his work for him. Paired with an Iron Maiden spell, he was unstoppable. (There's a hint there for the game, you know.) The red creature slashed at the monsters that had transformed the once peaceful town of Tristram into what it was now: a burning heap of rubble, all its inhabitants dead or transformed, save for one.
The aforementioned clutched to the bars of his cage that was suspended several feet above the ground, hearing the satisfying splat of the creature corpses as they hit the dead ground. He sat up, trying to see what might be his salvation.
Elwood set his crossbow and pulled the trigger, sending a bolt at a tremendous speed into the forehead of the undead Griswold, the ex-blacksmith. The possessed form crashed to the ground.
The blood golem following him, Elwood battled along the perimeter of the town, slowly working his way in where he had known Deckard Cain would be. Crossbow bolts flew and creatures died, Elwood and the golem leaving a trail of corpses in their wake.
The golem threw a hard punch into the face of a carver priest, a small, weak, creature that could revive its friends. The priest was blown to the floor in a burst of blood. Elwood went to the fallen creature to relieve it of its belongings when he saw the body of a small boy several feet away.
Elwood knelt down to the boy, and saw that the child had legs that were much to small to be human. The legs looked like that of a pig, but the rest looked like a regular human child. He glanced at the pig-legged boy's shirt and saw a large, blue nametag that read:
Greetings. My Name Is:
WIRT
I Like:
MONEY
I Don't Like:
DELTA BURKE
Elwood shook his head, angry that the forces of hell could take the lives of children. He was about to leave the stiff when he saw a bright glitter in the deformed leg of the youth. It was the unmistakable glitter of gold. Elwood lightly tugged on the leg, simultaneously summoning a couple of skeletal mages to watch his back.
The leg easily popped off, spilling gold coins from the spot where the limb had been. Elwood pocketed the leg and the gold, and then headed for Cain.
The four forms approached Deckard Cain's cage, one human, the others something else. He hit the bars of the cage, screaming "OVER HERE! HEY! I'M RIGHT HERE!"
The figures got closer, extinguishing the waves of monsters that came at them. The human shot a crossbow bolt into the rope that held Cain's cage above the ground, and the wooden prison fell to the ground, prompting a loud "OOF" from Deckard.
"Thank you, my friends."
The necromancer just nodded and said, "Go. Hey, has anyone ever told you you sound like--"
"YES. I already know I sound like Sean Connery."
"Oh, ok then. Go."
Cain did as he was told.
Elwood and his minions battled their way to an open spot in a clearing away from the fires of the town. Elwood went into his backpack and pulled out his Tome of Town Portal. He used the first scroll in the book, and a blue portal appeared before the warriors. They each stepped in, and reappeared in the camp of the Sisters of the Sightless Eye.
After a talk with Cain and the residents in the camp, Elwood put Wirt's leg into his stash, not exactly sure why.
****
"ALL HAIL OUR SAVIOR!!!!! ALL HAIL ELWOOD!!!!"
The Sisters of the Sightless Eye rejoiced at the vision of their hero's return. He had slain the evils that had inhabited their world, destroyed the bloodstones, and saved the world. He had returned to the camp to say hello to some old friends and to spend the night with Charsi the blacksmith, wink wink nudge nudge.
Eventually, night fell and the inhabitants of the camp went to sleep. Everyone except for Elwood and Charsi, of course . . .
"So, baby, what's going on?"
"Nothin'. Just fixin' some weapons, killin' some monsters."
"True, true."
"So."
"So."
"……"
"……."
"……."
"You know, I died once."
"Yeah?"
"Yep. Kinda weird though. I just reappeared back at the nearest town. I actually saw my own corpse when I went back to the place where I died."
"Oh. So, uh, what was Diablo like?"
"Oh, you know. Big, red, horny."
"Well, then. It seems that you both have one thing in common."
"Hehehehe. Why, yes. I am hor--"
"You're both really big."
"Oh. Big. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking of."
"What about Baal?"
"He's a pussy."
"Oh."
"……."
"……"
"So, wanna do it?"
"All right. But only if you cover up that ugly mug."
"Done."
Elwood immediately whipped out a paper bag and cut one hole for breathing. He then placed it over his head. (Idea stolen from "Scary Movie 2" starring Marlon Wayans, 2001.)
"Let's go, baby."
Ash sat behind a tent, listening in on their conversation (or lack thereof). He saw the hero pick up Charsi and throw her into a tent. He then disrobed and threw all of his clothes into his stash, jumping into the tent right after.
Ash was a traveling thief, his parents killed by the evil when he was young. He had survived by trading stolen goods for food and clothing. Of course, the belongings of the man who saved the world would fetch quite a price.
Ash ran over to Elwood's stash and picked the locks with the picks he had made from extra metal that Charsi didn't need.
He opened the chest and took out all of Elwood's clothes and belongings, stuffing them into his cart. All in all, he had a bunch of weapons, armor, diamonds, and some assorted knickknacks. Basically, this stuff would keep him alive for a year. Now all he had to do was go East, to the next town.
****
Ash wiped the sweat from his head and took a swig from his canteen. He stopped for a moment, letting the heavy cart roll to a stop. Ash pulled the map from his robe. According to it, he was halfway to the money. After a short rest, Ash began pushing the cart again. After several minutes, the cart hit a rock and jumped, sending four items to the ground. The first was a breastplate, which Ash put on top of the cart. The second was a strange ornately designed cube, which had a removable top. He put the last two items in it, a Tome of Town Portal and . . . a pig leg? He put the top back on and placed the item upside-down on the top of the cart, so that the top wouldn't come off and he wouldn't have to do everything again. When he fully turned it over, however, he noticed something strange.
A button was at the bottom of the box with a strange symbol on it. As any curious thirteen-year-old would do, he pushed it.
A red portal opened in front of him. As any curious thirteen-year old would do, he entered it.
What he saw defied all logic.
COMING SOON:
CHAPTER TWO: THE LAND OF THE COWS!