Accidental Murder
Onesmartcookie78
Summary: When a Mary Sue's only problem in life is that her cupcakes won't turn out, Ron finds himself an unfortunate victim. Crack!fic with a Painfully-OoC!Tom.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
When Lady Evangeline Seraphina Angelique Daphne Rosalia von Intelligence Dumbledore née Lockhart-Malfoy began making cupcakes on a Saturday afternoon, she absolutely expected them to turn out perfect, like everything else in her life. Yes, just like her wonderful existence, the cupcakes would be golden beacons of evenly cooked, beautifully frosted, sugary goodness.
She started the project with her long-time boyfriend -and current fiancé- Thomas Marvolo Riddle, the love of her life, despite her other amorous and certainly numerous admirers.
The first batch turned out overdone; small, blackened, charred lumps that would have been ash had they been in the oven a second longer. Evangeline would later blame Tom for distracting her with his persistent snogging. Though he would then blame her for her perfect genes and beauty; you see, Albus Dumbledore's sister, Ariana, had lived and found herself carrying the child of Gilderoy Lockhart.
Ariana had moved to America after, unwilling to tell her brothers and not wanting to be seen by Lockhart, who could never know of his child. There, she accidentally chose a house in an area that had been built on an old toxic waste dump, causing her to fall ill and die shortly after birthing her spectacular daughter.
As a result, Evangeline was blessed with metamorphmagus talents, though her favourite look by far was that of an angel, complete with golden, curled locks that reached her ankles, and rainbow coloured eyes. Elaborate, fluffy, pure white wings completed the otherworldly look, lending her ethereal gorgeousness.
Anyway, after the death of Ariana, little Evangeline was shipped overseas to England, where she grew up with the Malfoy family. Their son, Draco, was still bitter over the fact that out of her countless suitors, she had chosen Tom over him.
Tom laughed at their shared failure and suggested they try again.
The second batch didn't make it into the oven. Tom had been cracking eggs when a piece of shell fell in, and a rather large bit at that. An unsuspecting Evangeline had started the mixer, only to hear loud crunching. After examining the now pulverised shell and the ruined batter, Tom determined that they would have to restart.
The third batch did not go much better than the first or second. This time, they ran out of flour and substituted it with the closest ingredient to flour they could find. The mystery ingredient did not alter the cupcakes in any way, and they came out of the oven an example to cupcake kind.
Smirking at their triumph, the pair enthusiastically brought their now iced cupcakes together in a move reminiscent of clinking glasses after a toast.
As it turned out, salt was not a suitable replacement for flour.
Having wised up, the teenagers called the house-elves to bring them more flour, and their will was obeyed.
Everything was going brilliantly until Tom suddenly pinned Evangeline to the counter with a furious kiss! Evangeline could not react other than to kiss him back with an equal amount of passion, her vigour and his mixing and serving to cause her to forget that she had already put in the baking soda!
After pulling away and making the fatal mistake of adding more of the substance into the batter, Evangeline slid them into the oven and set the timer.
She and Tom then resumed their previous actions, resolving to find the nearest broom cupboard to take care of their current predicament.
Ronald Weasley was a devastated bloke (Evangeline had picked Tom over him and his five other brothers, as well as his best friend, Harry Potter) with a hankering for food and a penchant for being in the right place at precisely the wrong time.
Unfortunately for him, this was one of those places at one of those times, and it would be the last he had of this issue. Today, poor Ronald -a boy with six siblings, a mum and a dad and two friends he'd never get the chance to bid adieu to- found himself lonely and wandering, not to mention completely famished and positively parched.
He meandered his way to the kitchens, tickling the pear and finding himself around house-elves busy preparing dinner. Needless to say, the elves weren't as elated to help him as they normally would have been, seeing as Ron had come at a bad time. Regardless, one still approached and asked him if he required foodstuff.
Ron, unnaturally observant and curiously empathetic, declined. He had seen the oven, and the timer only had five minutes left on it. Whatever was in the muggle device would be his, as the house-elves clearly hadn't been the ones to make it; if they had, one of the little creatures would have been tripping over its unusually large ears to jump restlessly in front of the appliance until the food was done cooking.
Noticing the icing in the bowl, Ron dipped a finger in and tasted the chocolate deliciousness. It was divine, almost as though Evangeline had made it.
With a dopey smile on his face that soon twisted into a frown of jealous irritation at the thought of his lost love, Ron devoured the frosting. He spared no drop of the sweetness, even going as far as to lick the bowl clean. He also made sure that the butter knife -which Evangeline had used as a makeshift tool to ice the salt cupcakes, after lamenting that there was no icing bag- was free of frosting.
The return of his silly grin was to be his last act in the realm of the living; the cupcakes exploded in the oven, setting off a series of chain reactions that caused the oven to simultaneously combust. Coincidentally, Ron was the only one who was killed, as the explosion touched no other part of the room; not the walls, nor the floor. The only sign of the tragedy was the suspicious pile of ash where Ron had been.
Accordingly, Tom and Evangeline lived happily ever after.