Humor fiction. I don't own anything.
"I swear, Jace Lightwood, you will never touch me again, so long as my name is Clarissa Fairchild!" Clary screeched. She let out an antagonizing wail.
"Clary, your name is Clarissa Lightwood," Jace said. When his wife turned her murderous gaze towards him, he regretted speaking at all.
"YOU STILL AREN'T TOUCHING ME AGAIN!" she hissed, ramming her foot full speed into his crotch. He doubled over in pain.
"What was that for?"
"For getting me pregnant, asshole!" she screamed. She cried out in pain as the contraction seared through her belly.
"You wanted kids," he argued, clearly annoyed with her sudden change.
"Just get the fucking baby out right now!" she hollered, towards him. The nurse came in, smiling and shaking her head.
"Sorry, Mrs. Lightwood, it's too soon."
"It's not too fucking soon! This is my fucking vagina and I know when it's been stretched too far." She suffered another contraction and kicked against the hospital bed.
"Mrs. Lightwood, you should really calm down, talk down your volume and relax. That means no speaking in sentences that are over six words long." The woman smiled pleasantly, and Clary threw a Jello cup at her. The woman side stepped and continued grinning happily. Clary glared and Jace face-palmed in his chair.
Counting on her fingers as she spoke, "Take. The. Baby. Out. Now," she paused, "Bitch."
Jace turned to the abused woman and sighed, "Sorry about my wife… You may just want to leave."
The woman nodded, and left silently.
"Clary, you just bit the poor lady's head off."
"I'm about to bite your- head- off." Jace stepped away from his wife, in true horror before protectively concealing his manliness away from his beloved.
"I promise you now, Jace Lightwood, that if we ever have another child, YOU'LL BE THE ONE WHO IS PREGNANT!" She threw a plate at him, which he caught and placed down carefully.
"Clary, be calm. It can't be that bad…" as soon as the words left Jace's mouth, he wished he hadn't said them. Clary, who had had her arms crossed and her head in the opposite direction was now giving him the most enraged look he had ever seen from anyone, ever.
"Oh really? Is that so?" Clary's voice was dangerously low and quiet. Usually, when her temper was this way he was mildly amused but wary. When she had become pregnant, she was the bitchiest person he had ever met.
"I didn't mean it that way." He smiled nervously, and her eyes became slits and she curled her fingers into a fist.
"Hmm, then which way did you mean it? Huh, asshat?" Clary, growled viciously, and then cried out in a sharp pain.
"I just meant… I don't know! Clary, will you please calm down? The nurses are scared of you and you're stressing too much. You heard the woman, relax!"
"YOU RELAX!!!" Clary yelled, chucking a spoon at his head. The spoon actually hit him in the head and he moaned and messaged the bump with his head.
"What the hell was that for? How could you try to destroy my pretty face?"
"The same way you destroyed my pretty vagina with your violent spawn!"
Jace rolled his eyes and sat down.
"When we get home, I'll be getting back at you so bad that you'll wish that you had been the one going thro- GAH!!!"
Jace winced and called the nurse back in.
"Give me the friggin drugs already. HOLY SPIRIT, MOTHER and the BABY!" Clary burst into tears, "Can I please be dilated already? Why, why, WHY?" The nurse checked. Once she shook her head, Clary threw another tantrum.
"Only a short time left, Mrs. Lightwood! You should be excited." The woman clapped her hands together, and smiled brightly.
"Do I look fucking excited to you?" Clary growled, throwing peas at the nurse, who stepped to the side and dodged them. This lady's chipper attitude was really annoying her. Pretty soon she would be chucking a seraph blade at an innocent mundane woman.
"It's fine! I've had plenty of things thrown at me!"
Jace gave her an apologetic look, and walked her to the door. As soon as he turned around he reprimanded his wife.
"Clary, what the hell do you think you are doing? Can you please be reasonable? What would have happened if you had hurt that woman? We'd be delivering our baby on a dirty New York street!" Jace held her hand.
Clary smiled widely and crushed his bones.
"Should have seen that coming," he mumbled, as he nursed his hand.
"Maybe your penis should be reasonable, Jace. I'm looking into the future, and I can't see your dick being in it. Sorry!"
Jace gaped at her in horror. "Who are you and what have you done with my wife? Honestly, Clary, what has gotten into you?"
"My name is Clary Lightwood, and yougot into me idiot. That's why I'm pregnant." Clary sat up and took out a pen and paper.
She was drawing a rune.
"This is the PUNISHMENT rune," she grinned wolfishly, "We'll try this out on you later."
Jace sighed and sat down again, "Angels, help me with the sanity of my wife."
One thing was for sure – if his wife had come with a rune for punishment… He wasn't sleeping in the bed tonight. Or even the house… Maybe he should leave, go across country and hide out for a few days until she forgot why she was pissed.
Yeah, like that would ever happen.
I hope you enjoyed the story! Please tell me what you think.