Oh, The Situations I Find Myself In

Summary: A bunch of mindless plots concerning disasters I find myself in with a certain elf, and it is certainly no joy ride…

Rated T (as always, for my bad language)

Disclaimer: Someone else's sandbox, I just play here.

Chapter I- And He's Back

"That rhetoric paper won't write itself, Kels. Turn the tv off and get going on it," my grandmother advises as she walks through the hallway past my bedroom.

I never miss an episode of Family Guy, and the fact that it was ten thirty at night and this damn term paper on Climate Change (A/N: As in, NOT Global Warming. Whole 'nother topic you don't even wanna get me started on…) was due by nine tomorrow morning made no nevermind to my normal habit.

I'll be honest with you; there is nothing glorious about college. Even the effect that living in a dorm has on your freedom wears off after the first month (A/N: At the time our story begins, I'm currently at home and it's a Sunday night, and I usually stay at home on weekends. Oh yeah, forgot to mention, the campus is closed on Mondays…except when I have dumbass professors who make the due date on Monday mornings -.-….)

More specifically, there is nothing glorious about going to nursing school. If you're preparing for a career as an RN, then you might as well kiss your life goodbye for the next four years, 'cuz you'll be working your ass off from start to finish.

"It doesn't matter, I am so over this paper."

Grandma shrugged and started walking towards her bedroom. "Well, whatever then, don't complain when you drop a letter grade." And with that, she closed her door, and a few minutes later I hear the same insane snoring I hear coming from her room every night.

I groaned and took my glasses off. I had been sitting in front of my laptop since three this afternoon, and maybe got half of the ten required pages typed. Fuck my life. I pushed the laptop off my lap and rubbed the bridge of my nose, just when a loud crash came from the play room.

After remaining still for a few moments, I muted my tv and listened, hearing a few remote rustles coming from the direction of the crash. Quietly, I slipped out of the covers of my bed and searched my room frantically for something, anything that could be used as a weapon. My eyes fell on the trophy I had received when I won my hometown pageant last summer. This could do some damage if I let it. I crept to the doorway of the play room and looked in. With the light being off, the entire room was pitch black, along with the hallway I was standing in. However, I could just barely make out a silhouette. Unfortunately, that silhouette could make out mine, and was much faster than mine too.

I didn't even have time to blink before the trophy was knocked out of my hand and my mouth was covered. My free arm started trying to hit whatever it could behind me, and eventually made contact with a face.

"Ow!"

I was released and immediately went for the light switch, which was pretty handy considering when I turned around I had a knife to my throat. What the light revealed shocked both me and my antagonizer.

"Kelsie?"

"Um….Legolas?"

Thee elf prince quickly sheathed his knife. "How in all of Arda did you end up in my palace?"

I rolled my eyes. "Can't you ever assume that you're the one in the wrong place?"

He looked taken aback. "Certainly not. I was, afterall, asleep when I rolled out of bed and…woke up," he finally took a moment to look at his surroundings, "This isn't my bedchamber and bears a striking resemblance to your spare bedroom."

I grinned. "Glad to see we're at an agreement. Now how in the fuck did you get back here?"

He shook his head in frustration. "I haven't the slightest idea. I did just return from here a few days ago, so perhaps Gandalf's vortex was still open…"

"Um, Legs? You've been gone longer than a few days."

Legolas gazed at me thoughtfully, and then shook his head even more frustrated. "No, I am certain, today is Sunday and I left here on Wednesday."

I half-smiled. "Dude, you've been gone for a good five years." Did he not notice how different I looked? "I mean, notice anything different about me?"

He drew to his full height and scanned over me. "Indeed, much. Your teeth are no longer crooked, your eyes are greener, your hair is longer and redder, you've lost your pudge and have become lean and definitely paler. Your blemishes have cleared as well…but you're still rather small in height and looking at you from the side you appear to have a large nose."

I blinked at him a few times without saying anything.

"Have I offended you?", he asked in a low murmur.

"No, I just can't believe you got all that out in one breath."

Legolas smiled smugly and started walking out of the room towards my room. "Surely it hasn't really been five years."

I followed him, and the thought passed through my head about how more interesting this was than writing my paper. "No joke. You've missed a lot, son."

Upon entering my room, he took it upon himself to inspect everything, either to see how drastic of a change five years had been or just to be a nosy prat. "How old are you?", he asked as he examined the treadmill Grandma had bought me for my 18th birthday. "And what in the name of Ulmo is this contraption?"

I sat on the edge of my bed and watched him as he continued his crusade. "Well, do the math. Last time you were here I had just turned fourteen. I had my 19th birthday last month. And that's a treadmill, which has given me my 'lean' as you called it."

He looked me up and down before deciding to take my word for it, and then moved onto my closet and opened its folding doors. "You said I have missed a lot. Fill me in, then."

I shrugged and pulled my laptop next to me. "It's not that simple. Five years is hard to catch someone up on, especially a someone not from here."

Even though his back was to me I saw him roll his eyes. "Just give me some briefs."

I sighed and shoved the laptop away, this time completely giving up on the assignment. Like I even stand a chance of finishing it with him here anyways. "Ooookay. Well, right after you left I started my freshman year of high school, which I'll explain some other time. Not much really happened, except I was still stuck on that damn boy…you remember him, don't you?"

He turned to face me and smirked. "That Jordan Beef boy?"

I giggled. He never got Jordan's last name right. "Jordan Bacon."

He shrugged. "I was close enough."

"It's not even from the same animal."

He threw his arms up in resignation and resumed his search through the vast netherworld that was my closet. "Continue!"

"Ugh fine. Anyways, nothing really happened for a while after that. Sophomore year I dated a guy that Heather knew, you remember her surely, and ended up having to get a restraining order…that's a court order you get to protect you from someone."

His head whipped back around. "Protection? Whatever for?"

I proceeded cautiously. The last thing I needed him thinking was that I need a personal bodyguard. "I broke up with him…so he threatened to kill me. And I haven't heard from him since, so it's all good."

The Elf Wonder stared at me intently until he was content I was telling the truth. He closed the doors to the mass void of clothes and moved to my three bookcases. He nodded his head in my direction, a sign to continue.

"So…a little after that I somehow became intelligent. I dunno any other way to explain it except that I just got smart…like…book smart. And I gave up on dating for almost a year. Spanky went off to college, leaving me here with the grandparents unfortunately, but my sudden interest in reading helped me through it. That year, my Junior year, I went to Europe for a few weeks, and then got into another relationship…"

With my pause Legolas gave me the famous Thranduil eyebrow. "And?"

"It was the biggest mistake I've made yet. I ended that one almost two years ago and he still won't leave me alone."

If I coulda kicked myself I would have. Fuck.

"Who and where is he?", Legolas began stepping towards me, the trained assassin in him shining through. Maybe I need to take his weapons away from him…

"Dude, take it down a few levels, you've got the whole house rattling. Anyway, yes, Brian was a huge fail. But towards the end of my relationship with him, when I was miserable and afraid to do anything about it, I became friends with Nick. We fell in love, and he got me away from Brian."

The blonde elf mirrored the smile on my face. "Indeed, a happy ending to a most ridiculous tale."

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. Ridiculous wasn't exactly the word I'd use. "But then Nick left for the air force. That's a branch in our military. So now, we're just friends."

The smile faded from his face as he ran his fingers across a row of books at eye level. "So tell me the name of your current victim."

"There isn't one."

The smile returned to his face and he chuckled. "'Tis for the best, you know. Human males are impossible to understand."

I snorted in an unfeminine manner. "I've grasped the concept of you going through a vortex more than I have understood why guys act the way they do."

He slapped the side of the bookcase and came over to sit next to me. "Surely you have more to tell." He was so light I barely felt him sit down on the bed, and it slightly unnerved me.

"There's a little more. I'm in college now, studying to be a nurse, and that pretty much takes up my life. I'm going to be in my county pageant next month, which I will force you to sit through if you're still here. Honestly, anything else that happened is just gonna be explained at random, because so much has happened that I can't even remember it all. Now it's your turn, Elf Boy."

He shrugged and looked like a kid who forgot it was Show-and-Tell day. "I've only been away for five days. So really, nothing of importance has happened to me."

"Good point."

"Indeed. Well, if you would be so kind as to offer your accommodations for me once more, I would gladly accept them."

"Chyeah. 'Cuz you have no other place to go, dumbass."

He smirked and gave my shoulder a light nudge. "Like you would pass up an opportunity to spend time with your favorite Lord of the Rings character."

"Eh. You've proven to be a complete nightmare in the past. Who knows what madness will ensue this time."