A/N: This is (my own) translation of a short story I originally wrote in German. Please be patient with me and my English. If something sounds very awkward, let me know. I'd be happy to get a native English speaking beta, as well. If you're interested, let me know via review!
Severus Snape and Coffee
Severus Snape hated coffee.
Anyone who declared the opposite or even claimed that he was addicted to this disgusting drink, deserved to be locked up forever in the deepest corner of the dungeon to be forgotten forever!
As of this year he had two students who had deliberately and repeatedly tried to convert him to become a coffee drinker. Actually they were not new students, he had been teaching them since first year, but until now he had never cast a second look at them. But over the past summer they had grown themselves two pairs of extraordinarily large boobs which no man could help but notice. He had even witnessed several male, muggle-born students casting detecting charms for surgery at the two girls, and some others – from pure-blood families – detecting charms for growth-enhancing magic. The result was palpably in their favour: Those globes were real. One hundred percent. Which did not simplify matters when they approached the teacher's desk after each and every Potions class, offering him a jug full of self brewed coffee, chattering away until he accepted at least one cup to get rid of them. Every time the coffee had a different flavour, however, every time it tasted as disgusting as the one before.
What he liked about the two girls was that they had quite usual names. Especially the female students these days carried the strangest names: Alina Skylight, Trina Starfeather, Henna Boundfire, Calinda Lockfort, Parissa Heywood, Melissa Towningdown, Seraphina Bluebird, just to mention a few. However, these two were called Sophie Miller and Mary-Sue House.
What he did not like about the two girls was that apparently they were not afraid of him. A fact he could not understand, since he took off fifty house points every day as soon as they even got close to his desk, and he offered them his meanest glance. Still this did not seem to impress them at all. Their houses (Sophie was in Hufflepuff, Mary-Sue in Ravenclaw) catcalled them already and complained constantly to their heads of houses that because of those two the house cup would surely end up with either Slytherin or Gryffindor, since they were headed south with minus 100537 points, 101895 respectively. But even this did not impress the girls. They were obsessed with the idea of converting him to the brown beverage and they obviously did not mind being ignored and cut by everyone.
One day he completely lost his temper and put them in detention. They had to clean all the school's toilets (including the boy's) with tooth brushes, every day after classes, until they were finished with all of them. As this was never the case, for the restrooms were in constant usage, he believed that they would break down under the task and finally leave him in peace. Nothing of the sort happened.
From the hallways he could hear them in the bathrooms, cheerfully babbling, and when he checked in on them he saw them skidding on the dirty floor with great energy, cleaning away. Most of the times they were talking about cute bums, which seemed to be an unfailing subject. At the same time Severus Snape himself thought that those two did not have derrieres a man would feel indisposed to. But alas! They were his students, also these thoughts did not contribute to the fact that he would master the daily coffee ceremony any time soon, so he tried to rid himself off them as best as he could. The rest of the school year did not see any change in their behaviour, and they were only in fifth year!
Soon he started taking off onehundredandthirtythree points per head whenever they looked his way, and if he discovered a coffee pot in their close surroundings (even if it was not theirs) he imposed the most preposterous detentions upon them he could think of. His all time favourites were:
Helping Filch to shovel snow in winter (without magic, of course).
Drinking three liters of coffee in a row and not being allowed to use the bathroom for the remainder of the day.
Baking plum cake (Mary-Sue's was way better than Sophie's).
Preparing potato soup (this was Sophie's specialty).
Getting his office in order, at which every dust particle had to receive a numeric code based on a cleverly devised system, and then had to be catalogued.
Reading Arithmancy books. Both had extremely lousy results in this subject and he knew from verified sources (Fred and George's extendable ears) that they found it dull and passed lessons by writing to each other about some AF. He could not find out whom they meant by that, only that it must be a muggle who worked in the field of 'hackting'.
Anyway, sooner or later his ability to come up with new ideas ceased and he ended up merely making them cook for him all the time. When they (finally) graduated he almost felt sorry. Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, on the other hand, breathed a sigh of relief in unison. At long last they would have another fair chance to gather the house cup. During the graduation ceremony, Severus Snape tried to find out why they had actually wanted to convert him into a coffee person. He was hoping to get an honest reply, in vino veritas so to speak. But they just looked at each other and giggled. A year later, he received a letter with the following content:
Dear Professor Snape,
We are happy to inform you that with your friendly help we were both accepted by the renowned Witch and Wizard Academy for Psychology (short WWAP) in Bristol.
Let us assure you: in order to complete this course of studies, one does not need Arithmancy, still it was fun to pretend to be reading those books, when really all we did was write back and forth again. Something you never realised due to the extensive gaping at our behinds or breasts from your side. You see, you are not the only one to buy extendable ears from a joke shop.
In fourth year we already new that we are both predestined for psychology, so we were looking for an object to study. One that was, in our opinion, least willing to be influenced by a different mind, let alone be convinced by it. Can you resent us for thinking of you at once?
We accurately put our results to paper (your cleverly devised system to catalogue particles of dust proved to be extremely helpful) and had inspiring discussions on how to analyse the collected data while cleaning the school's toilets. By the end of our seventh year, after we successfully completed our NEWTS (yes, even in Arithmancy) we were able to send in our results of research in a resume to the WWAP and were promptly rewarded with a letter of acceptance.
You have probably already guessed that the topic of our research was the effects of constant and steady penetration on fixed habits and opinions. At the same time we were also able to do a survey on the side, on the collective performance of teenagers who, faced with a recurrent annoying incident (deduction of house points) very soon resign. There were indeed strong complaints and hostilities against us everywhere, but no active defense, which we had not dared to expect.
Moreover we detected our test object's (your) notion that we would not give reasons for our strange behaviour when asked. Which was not the case. Very early we had decided that, as part of the survey, we would switch to a new test object every time we were asked for the cause of our actions. Hereunto we cast a complicated spell on an explaining letter, which would have appeared in front of you immediately upon questioning. Surprisingly you actually asked why we had attacked you not until our graduation, almost three years after the experiment had started! As the survey was already closed at this point the spell on the letter had worn off and we left you in the dark until now.
The following conclusion can be drawn from our main study:
Point of views and habits that have developed and strengthened a long time ago cannot easily be changed if the test person is not willing to. If offered placebos after a while, they as well will be rejected, as something not according to the usual behaviour. We first presented you with coffee, then tea in various flavours (you are known to be enjoying tea greatly) and water in the end.
We thank you very much for your ample support and remain
Yours truly,
Sophie Miller and Mary-Sue House