"I wrote a letter to the sky saying maybe one day you'll get to kiss me."
I still can't look at the sofa the same way I used to.
Perhaps it's because it's sitting in the room where we had our sleepover. Or maybe it's because it's the last place you ever fell asleep on. Either way, my sofa is no longer just a sofa and this room is no longer just a room in my house.
People say that it's nobody's fault except yours. They say that suicide is a selfish choice. They say that you were sick. I nod and try my very hardest to believe them but that doesn't make it any easier. That doesn't erase the amount of guilt I feel.
It isn't fair how angry I feel because I have no one to point my anger to. I could yell at you all I want, but the fact of the matter is that I'm yelling to no one but the sky.
You are up there, aren't you?
I wish I could have been enough for you to stay with me. I told Zig that I loved you. I wish I told you instead. Did you ever love me back? What made you stop? Did you ever stop?
Please, answer me.
All this time, you were holding in so much. You tried to talk to me, but I didn't understand. I'm sorry I didn't understand. I didn't know how bad it was for you. I should have let you talk it out, should have held your hand through it all, and should have told Simpson about the way the hockey team was treating you.
The last bouquet of flowers that you gave me is sitting in the corner of my room, but they're brown and shriveled up. I should get rid of them because they're dead, like you, but I can't find it in me to throw them away. I don't want you to think that I just threw you away like you were nothing because the truth is, you meant everything to me.
Did I mean everything to you?
Because if you loved me at all, if I meant something to you, you wouldn't have left me here to pick up the pieces all by myself. You wouldn't put me through something like this. Every day, I have to get up and go face all the questions, the fake sympathetic smiles, the judgmental eyes of our peers. Every day, I have to pass by your locker without seeing you stand in front of it. Every day, I have to walk up the steps of Degrassi where you told me to meet you for lunch on the last day you were here. Every day, I have to pass by the greenhouse where you decided to leave me all by myself.
How could you do it? How could you just leave without even thinking about your family, your friends, or me? Why wasn't I enough for you to stay?
I have nightmares now. I see the back of your head in a crowd full of strangers and I run after you. But you keep walking away from me. I never get to see your face, just the back of your head. I wake up feeling more tired than I did before I fell asleep. I hold onto Hoot because he still had traces of your scent, but it's beginning to fade.
Knowing that I can never see that smile, your eyes, or hear your voice, or hold you ever again kills me.
You were my first love.
And I never got to say goodbye. That hurts most of all.
Can you hear me, Cam? Can you see how much I'm hurting? You made me so happy. I only wish that I could have done the same for you.
I still hold onto the hope that I'll see you again. I hope that my words somehow reach you, somehow find a way to cross over the time and distance standing between us. I don't know where you are or are how they'll get there, but I hope that this is enough to take away the pain you felt. I know I can't see them, but I hope they'll somehow carry you home to me.
I'm sorry I never told you in person, but I love you. I'll always love you.
Somehow, I know that wherever you are, you're still fighting for me. I know you'll try your hardest to fight your way back here to be with me, but please don't. Rest now. I want you to rest.
We'll meet again, one day.
What's meant to be always finds its way back, no matter the distance.
I'm going to live a happy life for you. I'm going to live the life that we should have had together. I'm going to find a way to smile, because you loved finding ways to make me smile. I'm going to love no matter how much it hurts, because you taught me how to love.
Wait for me, okay? We'll be together again.
I promise you. I miss you. I love you, Campbell Saunders.