Karen

I never realized how high up I was.

He never let me know how far I had risen. He slowly led me into his life, revealing bits and pieces when he felt it was right. And it works. I was completely under his spell that I never realized how I let my life slip away and be replaced by the one he had become so accustomed to. It's surprising how easy it was to hand everything over to him, to let him be in control of every little thing. It's almost as if I can't live unless he shows me the right way. This is how it's been for years, this is what I know.

I can't even recognize myself anymore.

When I think of him, I think of the money. I think of all the finer things that he's drowned me in, that he refuses to save me from. How he's made it so that if I just think of something, there's a way for me to get it instantly. How he's made my life so easy, it's hard to think that I have lived any other way. I hate him for it. I hate that I can never think of being in his arms late at night, when the world is asleep. The way he smiles at me as he's about to kiss me. The way he so delicately holds my hand. The way everything becomes so much easier, becomes so much better, if he is just next to me, if I just know that he is there for me, to help me.

And then it hits me; I can never think of him in this light, because I've never seen him in this light. He's been so concerned in immersing me in his culture that he's forgotten the simple things I have been longing for all of my life. He may have done those things once, a long time ago, but they were so few and far between that I can never remember them. Maybe he did these things when we first met, when things were so new, he wasn't sure what I wanted, and I wasn't sure who he was. But everything back then is such a blur to me now, I can never remember the way his eyes shined when we first met. I always told myself I would remember that look from the person I loved for the rest of my life. This is how I know that Stanley Walker and I were never meant to be, no matter how much he tried to persuade me that we were.

I remember the way her eyes shined when I walked through that door. I remember the way her hair danced on her shoulders as she walked towards me, the way her skin felt against mine as she shook my hand. The way her name felt so sweet in my ear as she introduced herself to me. Stan told me I should get out of the house and do something; somehow I ended up in this office, applying for a job I never even realized I wanted until I walked through that door.

If it means I get to be closer to her, I would sell my soul. That is, if I hadn't already done that.

I know I don't qualify for the job, I can't do anything right, but she gave it to me anyway, perhaps because she felt sorry for me. But at that point, I would have taken it, if only to be in her presence.

It's bad knowing you no longer love the one you pledged your life to, that you've found someone new and want to give your heart to them. What's worse is knowing that the one you pledged your life to unknowingly led you to this new love. I shouldn't be leading Stan on, I shouldn't let him keep on thinking that I am happy with him, but he believes I would do anything for him and, more importantly, this lifestyle. The thing is, I've been leading him on all this time about that. If Grace happens to slip into the picture, what's one more thing to hide?

He asks after her, all the time. He wants to know how she's doing, how I'm getting along with her, what I like about her, what I don't like. He wants every little detail. But if he got every little detail, he would hate her, even though she did nothing to him, and I can't have that. He would hate her for being the one who stole me away.

At least that's what I tell myself.

I love the way her eyes glimmer in the morning light shining in through the window. It makes me smile every time I see her. She thinks I'm just smiling to be polite, to be cordial, to ensure a healthy work environment. I just wish I could let her know the real reason.

I picture the day when I let her know, while I'm sitting at my desk, watching her sketch out a design or listen to her fingers brush against the keys of her keyboard while she's using the computer. But in every daydream, she feels the same way as I do. I'll catch her looking at me just a second too long, and then I'll know it's okay to let everything out. She'll smile at me in the silence, daring me to break it. She'll walk over to my desk and everything else will fade away as I take her in my arms and she brushes her lips against mine.

I never figured out what would happen if she doesn't feel the same way.

I hope she sees through this high-society costume I'm trying to wear. Although, I don't know what I am hiding behind it. I've been living like this for so long. I'm almost like a little girl, playing dress up and convincing everyone I am the person I pretend to be. But a little girl can switch to someone else whenever she chooses. I have been playing dress up as this character for so long, I have forgotten how to be anyone else but this woman sitting at a desk, filing her nails and tapping into the liquor early in the morning, instead of doing what a typical assistant does.

But I bet she could teach me to be someone else. She could teach me to be someone I actually like.

I watch her now, absorbed in her work. Even involved in her sketches, you can tell how passionate she is about her job, how she was born to do this. Every now and then she'll make a sudden move, like she is going to walk towards me, or even look at me, and I have to pretend like I'm absorbed in my "work," the latest issue of Vogue. She makes me want to find the woman inside me that I lost so many years ago. I know I could be the woman I was, if she were the one to guide me instead of Stan. That is, if you can call what Stan did guidance.

I shouldn't be mad at him. He did what he thought was best, this isn't his fault. I was the one who walked into her office. I am the one who is straying from him.

It's just that fact. I never realized how high up I was.

Until Grace came along and showed me.

And ever since, I've been waiting for her to help me down.