A/N: A wacky series of one shots made for my amazing friends on LawlClan. These little shots will probably be mostly unrelated with no specific plot, so…yeah. Enjoy.

Warning: Swearing, parody, randomness. Also, if you've never been on LawlClan before, you will know little to nothing about what I'm talking about.

Signed,

-Oten

A Series of Unlawlful Events

I

Tablescraps

Light gray eyes stared at the circular, disk shaped Twoleg contraption. After countless observations, she's learned that they used it to eat their prey. It was odd, since the cats in her Clan weren't so prissy about where they ate their food (be it on the floor, on the grass, on a rock or even another cat), seeing creatures much bigger, louder and scarier than cats eat off of clean circles made her wonder.

The left over contents—it seemed to be some type of skinned fish today—was tossed into another Twoleg contraption where it would be carried out of the den and on the side of a path where a big, dirty monster would pick it up.

The cream colored she-cat narrowed her eyes. It was a waste of good food. Even though her Clan, the almighty LawlClan, had the whole forest to themselves, there were many greedy bastards who decided to eat half of the fucking prey caught that day without sharing a bite.

'Greedy, greedy bastards. I hope you choke on a squirrel one day.'

Dawnheart swiped her tongue over her lips before jumping off of the wooden fence, slightly dejected that they didn't see her. She's seen them hand out these…these magical wonders to their ugly mutt, but yet when someone as graceful and glorious as herself saunters by, they don't even do so much as offer a bite of food to her? This was preposterous. Surely they were on some type of drug.

By the time Dawnheart made it back to camp, the moon was settling in the sky. Hopefully the rest of her clan mates wouldn't be question why she was gone for so long without catching any prey. But she knew everybody there were fat asses, and every time somebody left they automatically assumed that somebody was going to be bringing food of some sort.

Gray eyes scanned over the absolute mess that was called a "clearing". Everyone there was completely wasted. Booze—a strange liquid that cats drink to makes them…happy—bottles littered the ground, cats were slumped over each other in rather…erotic and just plain twisted positions. The smell of urine and throw up was thick in the atmosphere, and StarClan knows what else happened in the dens. Dawnheart clenched her jaw together, looking for the lazy bum Squirrlefur. She was obviously the cause of this. Nobody else in LawlClan knew how to make or access this booze besides her. The ginger tabby was found off in a corner, sprawled out wildly with a bottle of booze nestled onto her fur.

"Squirrlefur!"

At the sound of her name, the mischievous feline cracked one bloodshot eye open.

"Wh…what…do you want? Damn it…can't you see I am trying to sleep here!"

"You idiot, you got the clan drunk again!"

The intoxicated, soulless, ginger cat rolled over onto her belly.

"You lie."

Dawnheart knew this argument would go around in circles, so she found a clean area in the clearing and rested there.

The next day, after the clan got over their hangover, the deputy, Frogsong, appointed a hunting patrol.

"Okay, guys! I'm going to be leading this hunting patrol since…well, I'm a fucking boss and I don't really need a reason." Before anybody could protest, she continued. "Spotterdbird, Cricketpaw, Dawnheart and Amberstep, join me."

Dawnheart sighed. She was planning on visiting the Twoleg place to stare at those…nommy, nommy wonders. She needed a name for them. But she wouldn't be able to do that now, since she had to find these rodents to feed the rest of those lazy cats.

Before she could think any further, she felt fur pressed up against her. She whipped her head to the right, her heart racing. Green eyes met gray ones in one of the most awkward interactions known to felines.

"Sup."

"Spottedbird, you crazy, get off of me."

The tortoiseshell, wayward she-cat almost seemed to brighten.

"I'm not on you. Well...unless you want me to be."

"Hey!" Frogsong looked sternly down at the impossibly perverted creature. "No sexually harassing your clan mates. We made this clear last night."

"You wanna' know what also happened last night?"

Frogsong knew the suggestive voice all too well.

"Oh StarClan, no!" she growled in frustration. "You know what, Spottedbird? You keep doing what you're doing. Just keep me out of it."

"Nice." Spottedbird padded ahead the rest of the group, her tail raised and swishing side to side in content. Well, that or else she was just showing off her butt cheeks again.

A dark brown apprentice, Cricketpaw, bounded after her mentor. Dawnheart shook her head sadly.

"That poor apprentice is going to end up just as screwed up as her mentor."

Amberstep shook her head. "I don't think so. I believe Cricketpaw has more common sense."

The hunt, as usual, went by horribly. Cricketpaw and Spottedbird were nowhere to be found (Frogsong said she would personally go out to find Cricketpaw's body the next morning), Amberstep refused to harm a single creature and Dawnheart was too busy thinking about table scraps—table scraps, it was such a fitting name—to pay any attention to what they were doing. The only one who caught anything was Frog song, and it was hardly enough to feed anybody (poor shrew).

Later that night, Dawnheart was back at the same place as she always was; on the wooden fence, watching (stalking) this Twoleg family and their table scraps. Although she wasn't able to get those table scraps today, she felt that one day, she would. And it will be delicious.

A/N: How did ya' like it? Oh, you didn't like it all? Jerk.

Anyways, I have to give my credits: Dawnheart (dragonFELL), Amberstep (AmberyAmber), Frogsong (Coqui's Song), Squirrlefur (Forgotten Findings), Cricketpaw (Reada the Cellist), and Spottedbird, me.

All of these characters belong to their rightful owners and LawlClan.

Chapters from here on out will be shorter than this so I can update it daily.