Life's Not Always Worth Living
Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters, J.K. Rowling does.
"Avada Kedavra!" – Speaking
'Knowledge is power!' – Thoughts
~.~
To Whoever Finds this Note,
Love…does not always have a happy ending. Love can be cruel and leave people miserable and wanting. Yes, I guess you can't believe that I, Dungeon Bat Severus Snape would be able to love or even have the word 'love' in his vocabulary. Let me tell you a story about a man that had to do a terrible thing to save the only woman he ever truly loved…but first the story has to start at the beginning, for what is a story that doesn't have a beginning, middle, or end.
~~Flashback Start~~
'What a bunch of fools! How will they be able to defeat the Dark Lord if they talk about peace and second chances?' Severus Snape thought with a sneer. 'You can't defeat Death Eaters with a stunning spell…idiots!'
Although Snape had a second chance with Dumbledore, he at least repented for his mistakes unlike some Death Eaters he could name…coughMalfoycough…that used the imperious excuse to get out of Azkaban, the wizarding prison guarded by horrid monsters otherwise known as Dementors who sucked out the happiness of people. He shuddered with remembrance, 'Dementors, foul loathsome creatures should never have been brought into this world.'
Severus Snape would say he's not a good man ("Well I'm not!"), nor would he say he enjoyed being a Death Eater ("Tell them something they don't know!")…The one thing about Severus Snape that you don't know was that a young woman was in love with him and he was too blind to see it ("Well that I didn't know…").
The young woman in question who loved him was none other than Nymphadora Tonks. You might think that she's in love with Remus Lupin. Well, she did date him a bit but he wouldn't go far with her, not only because of his affliction (werewolf curse) but he didn't see her more than a young woman and not the mature woman he wanted. Since that relationship crashed and burned she started looking at other potential candidates for her love. At first she didn't think of Snape, but over time she found that Severus Snape was a puzzle and he was a puzzle she wanted to solve.
Throughout the weeks she gathered facts she found out about him using nefarious (coughStalkingcough) deeds. The things she learned were either astounding or not so much…
The List
Hates dunderheads
Favorite color for clothing is navy blue (only in privacy of his own rooms)
Favorite color for marking papers is red ("Fail Fail Fail! Muwahaha!" – that's what he thinks or says while grading)
Actually washes his hair & it's silky (it's only greasy because he does potions all day)
Reads muggle fiction novels
Loves hot lavender tea (to calm himself from the students)
Never lounges in his underwear
Goes commando to bed (she leered and had a nosebleed)
Likes long bubble baths
Practices Occlumency before bed (while commando)
Has a six-pack (she drooled at the sight)
Has little body hair (thank Merlin)
Likes to listen to muggle jazz music
Absolutely abhors wizarding music
Works out from five to six thirty in the morning everyday
And it went on and on and on…Tonks was very thorough in her self-proclaimed assignment. But even though she just wanted to solve the mystery, she fell in a deeper love than she had for Remus and she didn't think that was possible. So after gathering all she could about Snape, she decided to confront him after the Order meeting.
Snape was the first one to disappear to his quarters at Hogwarts and Tonks followed him. And when she fell through the fireplace, the first thing she saw was a wand pointed at her face. Knowing that if she didn't do something quick she would end up at the bottom of the ocean.
"I need to tell you something important," Tonks finally choked out.
"And you snuck into my quarters to do so?" Snape drawled dangerously.
"Yes…I didn't want anyone to overhear. Can you please move your wand out of my face? I can't tell you it if it's trained on me," Tonks asked.
Glaring for a few seconds Snape finally deemed Tonks as no threat and put away his wand, not that he couldn't pull it on her at a moment's notice.
Snape decided to sit on the couch in front of the fire and watched her shift nervously, "Continue."
"Um…well…" Tonks stuttered before taking a few calming breaths, "I have been watching you because I decided you were a mystery I wanted to solve. You're a complex man who was a Death Eater and changed sides to become a spy for the Light. But that's not why I wanted to unravel your secrets. I wanted to know your favorite things, what you like to do when you aren't cursing the students…I wanted to know you."
Snape stared with an expressionless face, showing that his Occlumency shield was up at an all-time high.
"As time went by while I was observing you…I-I…" Tonks stopped for a moment, "I fell in love with you."
Snape's eyebrows flew up and his eyes widened considerably at the confession. His shocked expression only lasted for a minute before he stood up and started yelling, "Out! Leave and do NOT come back you lying twit!"
Knowing this was a defense mechanism Tonks did not back down but got in his face, "NO! I will not leave until you realize what I'm telling you is the truth! I…LOVE…YOU!" Finishing with pushing him back onto the couch and straddling him, Snape could not do anything for he was shocked out of his mind.
"W-Wha?" Was all Snape could express after he left his stupor before Tonks planted her soft lips upon his stunned appearance.
After a minute of no movement from Snape, Tonks backed her head a bit and said slowly, "You know, when a woman freely kisses you, you're supposed to kiss back."
"Auror Tonks! I do not like to be fooled!"
"Well, it's a good thing I'm not lying," Tonks smiled before staring determinedly at him and stating softly, "I'm telling the truth. I do love you, more than I have ever felt before. When I'm around you I feel butterflies in my stomach…when you stare at me I get all wet…when I fantasize about you I get completely satisfied. I want you…your voice to only whisper to me, your stare to only penetrate me, your body to only touch me, your heart to only be affected by me. I want all of you and I will get it one way or another."
"I'm not a good man," Snape stated softly, "I will hurt you."
"I know, but being with you will be worth it. Because I want to make you feel as I do before our lives come to an end, whether that be in days, weeks, months, or years…I want to have you with me even if our relationship might end sadly," Tonks expressed fondly, giving a slight smile.
Staring into her eyes Snape came to a conclusion. He kissed her softly with his hand behind her head to tilt down to him and then whispered, "Then Miss Tonks, if you'll have me for however long God gives us. I will gladly accept your confession."
Putting her arms around Snape's neck Tonks smiled seductively, "Then Professor…you have some research to do." And she claimed his lips again…
~~Flashback End~~
And that's how it started. I know you think I'd obliviate her on the spot before going on my merry way…but I confess…I…had grown lonely and I wanted to find love that did not end up with her loving another man. So I took a chance. Months went by and I actually fell in love with the metamorph…but even though our love was strong…the ending of our love ended in a tragedy. Sort of like Romeo and Juliet, except it wasn't two suicides…but something much more tragic. Even now, I do not know what possessed me to take that chance, but I can't tell whether it was a blessing or a curse. After what you read next, you can decide whether or not what we had should have happened and whether or not if it would have saved her life.
~~Flashback Start~~
Laughter, cruel laughter echoed the hall and was accompanied by tortured screaming. On the floor was a woman with hair cycling through the colors of the rainbow and twisting in pain. The woman was Nymphadora Tonks, lover of Severus Snape. She was surrounded by Death Eaters as their latest victim and Bellatrix Lestrange, her aunt, was the one using the Cruciatus Curse (Torture Curse) on her.
Every scream she uttered, Snape would wince mentally. The woman he had fallen in love with was being tortured and he couldn't do a thing about it. He wanted to help her, he wanted to disobey the Dark Lord, but he was physically unable to do so. She made him promise that if she was ever captured and tortured in front of him he could not blow his cover and help her. And that if she wanted to die, he had to be the one to do it.
While screaming, Tonks would stare at Snape, pleading him to kill her…he knew that this would be their last moment together. Not dying of old age, but him murdering the one he loved. He knew their time would be short, but chanced it that maybe, just maybe, they would pull through the war and actually have a life. But like his life, everything good that happened to him always ended.
Pulling his Occlumency shields to the extreme, he prepared to ask the Dark Lord to kill her.
"Enough!" Bellowed the Dark Lord, stopping Bella from torturing Tonks into madness. Pouting a little, Bella stopped the Cruciatus Curse and stepped back into the throngs of Death Eaters. "Now…who wants the chance to kill the vermin?"
Before anyone could voice their answer, Snape stepped forward and bowed to the Dark Lord, "I want the chance to kill her My Lord."
The Dark Lord smiled down at Snape and gave his consent. Knowing that her time came to an end, Tonks looked once more into Snape's eyes and mouthed, "I Love You" and moved her hand glistening with red nails toward Snape. As he walked forward, Snape noticed that her nails were the color of scarlet. He knew that she loved the color since she told him that it meant enthusiasm and a love of life. It also meant her love for him was true.
Before uttering the two little words that tormented the soul, Snape used Legilimency and pushed through her barriers to say, "I love you too!" because he couldn't express his love for her physically without being caught.
Without wasting any more time, Snape struck with a quick, "Avada Kedavra (Killing Curse)!" And just like that, Tonks kept still, never to move again. Knowing that this was a blessing from his Lord, Snape smiled evilly, "Thank you for this kill My Lord."
The Dark Lord nodded his head at Snape before ordering Nagini to eat her supper and sent the command that the meeting was finished. Snape cast one last look at Tonks as she was being eaten by the Dark Lord's familiar before returning home, to their home.
~~Flashback End~~
And this is why you are reading this. I cannot live without her, knowing that it should have been me to die instead of her. Because she was life itself, just like her painted red nails. And if you were at that meeting, the others would say that instead of her nails being enthusiasm and love of life, they would be…a) blood red, showing that she knew that her time was ending, b) dark red, would signify wrath, that she would suffer in her last moments, and c) rusty red, meaning to fall.
I could laugh if I could. For what is life without meaning? My metamorph brought my life meaning, she made me want to live, to want, to love. Heh, and they say 'every cloud has a silver lining'. What a bunch of crock. Every bad situation does not have a good aspect to it! I watched the woman I loved being tortured and then had to kill her myself…The only good thing I see is that she's in heaven now and not in pain. But even that doesn't make me feel happy because, I want to be selfish and have her be happy with me!
I must have angered a higher being because my life had gone from horrible to absolutely miserable. I have no need to live anymore and my life isn't worth keeping. So I am leaving this world for the next. I know that I won't be with my love for she's in heaven and I will go to hell for my crimes. Maybe I will meet her again someday, but that day will be far far away.
So, I'm ending here knowing that you would have found me and will dispose of my body as you see fit and use the information attached against the Dark Lord and his supporters.
Thank you and goodbye,
Severus Snape
~.~
AN: Please review! Honest criticism is welcome and if you see any errors, please tell me! Thanks! :)