Alternate Takes Too
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer non-crossover story
by Ironbear
Story Blurb: The re-introduction of a few old school characters can change the course of destiny and Fate - and have a dramatic effect on the course of life at the end of "Chosen"...
Title: "Alternate Takes Too"
Author: Ironbear
Rating: PG-13 (FR-18)
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel the Series and characters thereof belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Brothers, 20th Century Fox, and Kazui Entertainment. Everyone else belongs to their respective owners, except for my own original characters. And hey – I'm not greedy about them.
This is a work of derivative fiction. All persons, characters, names, places, locations, entities, personages, and/or deities contained within are purely fictional, or fictional representations thereof, and any resemblance to any real persons, characters, names, places, locations, entities, personages, and/or deities are purely coincidental, or they are used in a purely fictional manner.
Summary: A more than slightly skewed and warped look at how the discussion at the edge of the crater in "Chosen" might have gone with the addition of a few other characters. Okay. More than just slightly warped...
Type: BtVS/AtS non-crossover, Horror, Supernatural, Comedy
Chronology: Takes the place of the ending scene in "Chosen" in BtVS season 7.
Pairings: Xander/Cordelia, Buffy/Spike, Willow/Kennedy, Buffy/Willow
Author's Note(s): A part of the "Life in Sunnydale" non-series. Just my warped sense of humor taking the aftermath of Buffy's idiotic "Plan" in Chosen and running with it. And then running away with the "What if... ?" possibilities.
The only thing you really need to know here for setup is that while she was in Los Angeles to re-soul Angel, Willow figured out that something was wrong with Cordelia and exorcised Jasmine from her, and then brought Cordy back to Sunnydale along with Faith for the battle with the First Evil.
Oh – and Oz came back.
Why?
Just because there is NO season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that can't be improved with more Cordelia Chase. And more Oz. Period. ;)
Warning: Character death(s) mentioned. Also, again, if you think Buffy's plan really was "bloody brilliant", you probably won't be amused by this.
Alternate Takes Too
by Ironbear
The Scene:
All of the Scoobies, the surviving former Potentials, and the Scooby Auxiliaries are gathered around Sunnydale crater after Buffy defeats the First Evil, with Buffy giving a chilling smile and Xander cracking stupid Mall jokes.
.
The Story:
Everyone spends a moment looking down into the crater and making mall jokes until Buffy claps her hands for attention:
"Okay guys! We won! Now we need to round up all of the new Slayers and recruit them!"
"Um, what's this we shit, Buff?"
"A... huh, what?"
"Gee, Buff. It was your plan, and Giles was the one that thought it was, what, 'Bloody brilliant'? So, what does this have to do with me and Cordy?"
"But but but... you have to help! You've always been there for me!"
"Umm, no. What was it you said, Spike was the only one watching your back all this time? Apparently, I haven't 'always been there for you', even during the times I was."
"But but but... I was just hurt because you guys didn't trust me any more and that slipped out! I didn't mean it!"
"Ah. That would be why you spent most of the entire year showing me and Willow and Dawn and Giles that Spike was the only one that mattered to you. Like when you stepped over me and my bleeding gut wound to check on Spike's little boo boo?"
Dawn nods. "He's got a point... "
"Hey! You stay out of this, Glow Worm."
"Hey! Don't call me a Glow Worm, dumb ass." She kicks Buffy in the shins. "I'm the one that The Only One Watching Your Back hit in the head with a cot, remember?"
"That was an accident! He was being controlled by the, uh, trigger!"
"Yeah, right. Funny that the First Evil didn't use a trigger on anyone else, not even Willow when she had the emotional and mental consistency of oatmeal."
Willow glares at her. "Hey!"
"Of course, Spike had all the moral fortitude of wet cardboard, so he probably did make the easiest target."
Buffy ignores Dawn and turns back to Xander: "But you're forgetting it turned out I was right all along! Aha!"
"Repeat after me, Buff: It was a stupid plan and I lucked out beyond all of the immutable rules of Earth Logic."
Cordelia nods. "Yeah, Buffy. You grabbed the Idiot Ball, ran with it, and lucked into victory because you were up against the only villain in history with more brain damage than you had."
Buffy glares: "But if you thought it was a stupid plan that would get everyone killed, why'd you agree with Giles?"
"We all figured that agreeing was the easiest way to prevent you from giving another speech."
" – " Buffy glares.
Cordelia smirks. "Yeah, 'cause after a dozen of your speeches and brilliant plans that, like, weren't? Death was starting to look like the lesser of evils about then."
Buffy glares again, then ignores Cordy. "But Xander! You're twisting everything around and all out of proportiony! I can't do this without you! You have to come with us to be, uh... whatever it is you do!"
"What. Donut guy? Glorified brick layer guy? Mr. Window Fixer Guy? Here's a clue, Buff: take out menus, delivery services, deep fat fryers, and contractors. Look into it."
"That's not being fair! Tell him, Cordy!"
"What, me? Little Miss Shut-up-demony-girl-when-I-want-your-opinion-I'll- cut-it-out-of-you Cordy? Gee. I can't imagine why that would cause me to side with Xander here. Let me think... "
"But but but – you of all people know that I just say things like that, I don't, like, mean them!"
"Huh. Let me ask Anya about the time you stuck a sword through her. Oh, wait – I can't."
"You're no help! Faith! You tell them!"
Faith shrugs. "Sorry, B. I'm the Good Slayer now. I can't lie for you becuz that would be wrong."
Buffy glares at Faith, then turns to Xander... "But Xander - "
"Sorry, Buff. I think I'll just take my Cordy and my one good eye and go find something else to do. Like maybe ask Dead Boy if he needs another demon fighter and expert window fixer for his team."
Buffy gives him a flabbergasted look. "But – you don't even like Dead B- I mean, Angel!"
"Gee, Buff. I'm finding I don't like you any more. At least Angel doesn't pretend to be my friend when it's convenient for him. Laters. C'mon, Cordy."
"Right there with you, Donut Boy. Let's go."
Faith starts, then says, "Hey! Wait up, you two. As long as you don't punch me in the mouth every time I show up to help, can I come too?"
"Is it okay if we just strangle you when you show up?" Xander says, smirking and raising an eyebrow.
Faith smirks back. "Hey, as long as you do it during sex, we're cool."
Dawn waves. "Hey, wait up guys! I'm coming too!"
The Potentials all look at each other, and then exclaim, "So are we. Hold up!"
Cordelia gives everyone a nonplussed look. "What, you all want to strangle Faith during sex?"
"We all have to grow up sometime... sure!"
Willow, still smarting from the 'consistency of oatmeal' crack, looks over, startled. "Hey, wait, Kennedy? Where are you going, baby? And- and, Oz?"
Kennedy shrugs. "Hey, the guy risked his life to save me from Caleb. That's more than General Buffy managed. Besides. Group auto-erotic asphyxiation. With Faith." (beat) "You'd hit that."
"Sorry Kennedy. You have to be at least this tall to ride the Faith train."
Kennedy glares at him. "Bite me, Cyclops."
Oz glances over at Willow. "Sorry. My job here is done. And, hey. You're gay now, remember?"
Robin's voice drifts over from the school bus. "Hey, can you guys drop me off at a hospital on the way out? I'm bleeding here."
Rona says weakly, also, "Me too. I think my spleen is gone. Has anyone seen my spleen?"
"Wait! Giles? Where are you going?"
"Well, Buffy, as you said, you have learned everything that I have to teach you. Do carry on. I'm certain you'll do splendidly."
"But but but – you were the one that said it was a bloody brilliant plan!"
Giles starts polishing his glasses. "I can't imagine what I must have been thinking. Possibly the First Evil was triggering me."
Buffy huffs indignantly. "Andrew?"
Andrew just stares dreamily into the crater... "Do you think Spike's in Vampyre Heaven now?"
"But- Well, he did have a soul now, so... Hey, Willow? You too?"
Willow turns back, frowns. "Hrrm. Make a deal with you. If you'll get a tongue ring, I'll stick around and help."
"But I'm not into girls... "
"Hey, I have the emotional consistency of oatmeal, remember? And I've gotten used to getting laid. I'll steer you around my curves."
Buffy sighs. "It's a sacrifice, but hey – Spike is gone now. And you were evil once. Will you promise to wear the leather vamp!Willow bustier thingy while you're eating my cookie dough?"
"Sure. I'll even put my strap-on in the freezer so you can lay there and pretend it's Spike."
~ The END ~
(Cut to the rest of the gang walking into the Hyperion Hotel)
Joss wanders into the Writer's Bullpen, glances at the script. Freaks and starts pulling his hair out. Then he says "ow!" and starts pulling Marti's hair out...
"No no no NO! For the love of Spike! I can't leave you idiots alone for five freaking minutes, can I? Jesus Spike! Xander's bleeding eye patch!
"Okay, dammit. Look – Spike is dead from having the sun shine out of his ass! Anya is dead from defending a cowering Andrew! Buffy is sad but hopeful again! And Cordy and Oz are NOT FREAKING THERE!" (beat) "Okay, that does it." (throws the draft script back at the writers) "Rewrite everything according to what I outlined before, dammit. Again!"
Fade to Black. Rewind. Again.
~ The END ~
(Really, this time. Honest.)