Can you live apart from the other half of your soul? Alexander and Hephaestion struggle to find out. Much angst. I played with the facts, so this is very AU (well, parts of it).

This is the first thing I've written in some time, due to multiple issues in my life…so be kind. I'm trying to find my way again.

Susa…

Alexander leaned against the railing on his balcony overlooking the beautiful city below and sighed heavily. He should have been happy. He had it all. He was the King of the known world, ruler of all. He had wealth, power, the mightiest army ever to march, and every luxury known to man available at a snap of his fingers.

The truth was, he was miserable.

He thought back over the events of the last few months. Their time here in Susa was meant to be a holiday for all of them, to relax, celebrate their victories, and celebrate merely surviving some terribly difficult times…Gedrosia for example. He still cringed slightly at the thought of that little adventure.

In honor of Dionysus, and to honor his own men, he organized great banquets, athletic competitions, and a drinking contest that hadn't gone quite as well as he had hoped. Many of his brave and valiant soldiers were decorated, and golden crowns given to Nearchus, Peucestas, and Hephaestion.

The greatest of the celebrations had been the marriage ceremonies. A large number of his officers had wed Persian noblewomen in a marriage ceremony that lasted five days, each man receiving a sizable dowry. It was Alexander's wish to unite Persians and Macedonians as one, something that he was finding to be harder than he anticipated.

Alexander had, himself, taken two wives. He married Stateira, a daughter of Darius, and Parysatis, a daughter of Ochus. He had given Drypetis, another daughter of Darius, to Hephaestion. Alexander wanted their children to be related and, in his romantic dreams of the future, secretly hoped that a child of his and one of Hephaestion's would marry…producing a grandchild that bore the blood of them both.

He frowned, wondering if that dream was ever to be.

There had been one troubling instance here in Susa. The Indian sage Calanus, who had been with him since they had conquered India and had proven a valuable advisor to Alexander, had grown old and requested to die in an appropriate manner. Honoring his wishes, Alexander had a big funeral pyre constructed, and Calanus burned himself alive…his way to complete his spiritual journey. The thing that troubled Alexander the most, however, was a comment that Calanus had made just before he died. The old man had looked at him and said "Alexander, we shall meet again in Babylon." Alexander was not sure what that meant, and he didn't know if it was some sort of omen, but it troubled him greatly.

In recent days he had been hearing that his Macedonian soldiers were unhappy with him, and with their situation as a whole. He thought that giving them Persian wives and large dowries would be a great gift to them, but it seems that a number of the men really did not approve, and would seek to divorce their wives if they thought they could do so without offending Alexander.

That angered him slightly. He had thought he was doing them a great honor. The whole lot of them seemed ungrateful.

To make things worse, the recent arrival of 30,000 young Bactrians, who had been given Macedonian military training, had caused a good deal of resentment, both spoken and unspoken. In his quest to unite Macedonian and Asian, he had accepted Persian aristocracy into the royal cavalry bodyguard. This did not go over well at all with his Macedonian old guard, who felt their own positions were threatened. There seemed to be a great deal of concern among his veterans that they were to be replaced with an army of Asians.

Alexander gave an undignified snort and shook his head. They just didn't get it.

If Hephaestion had been here, he would have no doubt known the perfect thing to say or do to smooth things over. Hephaestion, ever the diplomat, would have been able to keep everything running smoothly, and keep Alexander from making an ass of himself in the process.

Alexander sighed heavily. If only Hephaestion were here. It had been months since they had seen each other, even longer since they had mutually agreed to end their intimate relationship.

Alexander had to admit that it was entirely his fault. Hephaestion had never wavered in his love and loyalty. Alexander shook his head, closing his eyes and releasing another heavy sigh. No, the fault was his and his alone. He had taken Hephaestion for granted, ignored him, used him. And then there were the others he had taken to his bed, not once considering how Hephaestion might feel about all of it. And he had expected Hephaestion to remain faithful. Ha! What a hypocrite he was. It was only after Hephaestion finally confronted him about all of it that he saw what he had become. He had become selfish, blinded by his ambitions, careless and uncaring towards those he claimed to love.

Hephaestion made a simple request. Allow him the freedom to find a life of his own, to find love of his own, to see if he still had dreams of his own. If Alexander was not willing to do that, Hephaestion said he would request to return home to Macedon. Alexander really had no choice. He knew he would be lost without Hephaestion, so he reluctantly made the decision to give Hephaestion his freedom. Hephaestion had, in return, agreed to remain with Alexander in a professional capacity.

They were now estranged. Their interactions had been civil, but strictly business. Hephaestion seemed to have moved on, having taken one of his pages to his bed from time to time, and now having a wife of his own, but things aren't always as they seem. Even though they had mutually agreed on the terms of their separation, it had grown increasingly difficult for both of them. Seeing each other every day, knowing what they had lost, constantly reminded of what they would never have again, proved too much.

Now, Hephaestion was gone.

"And that," Alexander thought, "is why I'm so miserable."

He had to get out of this of this place, so he made the decision to move them out of Susa. Their eventual destination was home, of course, but he wasn't going directly there. His men need a change of scenery and something to lift their spirits and restore their faith in him. Restoring faith in himself would be much harder.