Notes:
According to the Visual Dictionary both men and women served as Stormtroopers in the Imperial army, and Captain Phasma is very aware of her gender but doesn't think that a high-ranking female Stormtrooper is anything new.
Gender works in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways in this film and I wanted to write a trans narrative that centres the experience of transness with characters I love and in a universe where things that are not possible right now, are. Because there is no way I am going to believe that in a world with aliens, starships, and planets that destroy each other, that there are no trans characters.
Chapter 1- Awakening
"Wait — Kylo. Before we do this, I want to tell you something." They were both fully clothed, lying on Hux's bed with his back pressed against Kylo Ren's stomach.
Kylo Ren pulled Hux closer, snaking his arm around the smaller man's waist. Kylo slid his other hand onto Hux's chest, stroking the pristine fabric of his uniform.
"Kylo, stop," Hux ordered, pushing Kylo's hands away and rolling over onto his other side.
Kylo Ren said nothing. He waited for Hux to continue.
"I'm… My body… It might not be — I don't think you're expecting me," Hux muttered, a pink flush spreading over his pale face.
"What do you mean?" Ren raised an eyebrow.
"My body is sometimes mistaken for that of a female," Hux said, having found the words to put it mechanically without being too graphic. "Well, for those who have been close enough to inspect it." Hux blushed a darker shade of pink, lowered his eyes, and bit his lower lip.
Kylo Ren frowned. "It's not a female body if it's yours and you're a man," Ren stated, matter-of-factly. Kylo Ren had never particularly thought about his own gender, nor the gender of people around him. He had interacted with so many different people and different species, for that matter, that he had all but abandoned gender as a concept. He had found it to be unhelpful in determining whether a person was trustworthy, or a capable warrior, or courageous — those were the things Kylo Ren valued. None of them in his experience had been predicated on gender.
He sensed that now was not the time for a discussion on the utility of gender. The General was still blushing furiously and begun to wring his hands. Kylo Ren took Hux's hands in his own, and pulled him close once more.
"It's all right. Don't be afraid. Why are you afraid?"
"I'm not afraid. I just, I just thought it right to tell you before we… did anything further." Hux sighed, and leaned in to Ren's touch. Ren skimmed the surface of Hux's mind, detecting ripples of anxiety, embarrassment, and worst of all: shame. Ren lay back down.
"My parents — my father — always wanted a son, so they had one," Hux said plainly. "To him, my body was inconsequential and he never treated me as anything other than his son."
"When I went to the Academy, he knew that I'd have to work twice as hard as the others to attain half the physical strength they had. He never told me that. He never told me that I was… different." Hux winced at the memories that he was about to relive. Actually, I never hated my body until I went to the Academy, Hux mused to himself, but daren't say it out loud.
Kylo Ren listened intently, processing the new information. Hux tried to read his expression, looking for a reaction of any kind; but Ren, ever the ambivalent (unless he was throwing one of his infamous tantrums), gave no sign of any identifiable emotion.
"My training regime was as strict as it could possibly be. Day in, day out. Each morning I was the first to rise and the last to bed each night. I got top marks in everything. I had to. I had a name to live up to." Ren recalled reading something along those lines in Hux's data file, which through which he had scanned before boarding the Finalizer. By all accounts, Hux was a star pupil and a top-notch cadet. However, Hux's file didn't contain much detail about his time at the Academy, only the results of it.
Ren pulled himself out of his reverie and noticed that Hux had stopped talking. He turned over away from Ren and moved to the side of the bed, his eyes downcast and his frame trembling ever so slightly.
I don't want to talk about it any more, Hux thought, knowing that Ren would hear it. I'm not sure I can, he thought to himself.
Kylo Ren received both thoughts, but had enough tact to respond only to the former. "You don't have to," he said aloud.
But I want you to know. I just don't know how to explain it.
"Could you show me instead?"
Hux was silent, but turned over onto his back, his hands knotted together, resting on his abdomen. He rested his head on the pillow. Kylo Ren stayed on his side, facing Hux. He closed his eyes, preparing to delve deep into Hux's mind.
Hux squeezed his own eyes shut, adjusting to the pressure of Ren inside his head. It was not uncomfortable, but it was palpable. They had done this before, but never with a memory as long or traumatic as this one.
Hux took a deep breath, and replayed the scene for Kylo Ren.
Here was Hux at 7, a slightly built child with a shock of closely cropped red hair. His complexion was pale and flecked with freckles. His eyes, a blazing blue, cast delight in every glance as he strode through the doors of the Academy for the first time. He was going to be a commander, like his father before him.
He had heard about how the Empire brought stability and order to the Galaxy and how his own father played a role in it. The Empire had fallen to the disorder of the Rebellion. That was the world into which young Hux was born. He had come from chaos, but would rule the Galaxy someday and make everything right again.
And he was here, at the place where he would learn to do so.
"Don't look so enthusiastic," Brendol Hux hissed. "Your training will be rigorous and you must take it seriously."
"Sorry, father."
"No. Here, I am Commandant Hux and from this point forward, you will address me as such."
"Sorry, C-Commandant… Hux," young Hux stuttered.
Hux was shown to his sleeping quarters, a standard order bunk in a room shared with five other boys. Identical rooms flanked the long corridor, leading to the communal refreshers at either end. It was late in the evening and Hux prepared for bed immediately. He changed into his sleepwear, as did the other cadets-to-be.
As they changed, Hux tried not to look at the naked forms of the other boys; he knew it was rude to stare. They were different between their legs, he noted. He looked down at his own naked body. Apart from that, he thought, we're the same. Well, he thought to himself, surely some of the others look like me. I haven't met them all yet.
This was the first time Hux was conscious of his own body. He resolved not to dwell on it as he fell into a deep sleep.
Notes
The experiences here are drawn from my own, and from other sources.
This is the very first fanfiction I have ever written and published, so I would appreciate any and all comments and criticism.