Ok , I'm going to try another humorous one shot - this is based on an idea that I got a few nights ago. Read and review please !
Disclaimer : Do I look like Darren Shan to you ? Seriously………
Summary : I wanted to find a way to annoy the crap out of the DS characters because as you can see , they have weird names - so here it is ! Starring …….. drum roll please………. PERLIAT CHEIL !!!!! Plus , the title says all !
DSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDS
"Oi , Larten !"
Larten turned around and met the eyes of the young guard , Perliat Cheil.
"Yes ?" he asked sharply , annoyed by the vampire's disrespectful tone.
Perliat gulped before continuing.
"What sort of a name is Larten anyway ? It sounds more like lantern to me."
Larten turned purple. Perliat sprinted out of the hall of Khledon Lurt before he could be pulverised into a bloody pulp.
So far so good ! I hope this shows him I'm not a wimp ! Perliat thought as he scurried towards the Gaming hall to meet his next victim.
X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X
Oh shoot - this is going to be a tough one ! Perliat thought worriedly as he saw the legendary Arra Sails twirling her bowstaff on the bars. Hmmm……. Maybe I'll need an accomplice……
He scoured the nearly desolate hall and saw his perfect victim - his buddy - Ross McCall ! He allowed himself an evil maniacal cackle before heading off to his comrade.
After much persuasion and coaxing and even bribing , Ross finally agreed to Perliat's insane idea. That was also only because Perliat promised him a whole year's supply of breadsticks from Domino's pizza. Don't ask. Seriously.
"You do realise this is suicide , right ?" Ross implored , passing a moaning vampire who sported a bloody gash on his forehead.
Perliat clapped Ross on his shoulder.
"Just think of the reward Ross - plus it'll be fun ," he assured the dark-haired guard.
The both looked at Arra bring her staff down - hard , on the head of a young general. A sickening 'CRACK !' could be heard. Both of them winced.
"Still think this is a good idea ?" Ross asked , turning to his stupefied friend.
Perliat nodded , although his face blanched.
"Yeah - just be prepared to run for you life after this !"
Perliat averted his eyes from the female general and began to raise his voice.
"Hey , do you know that all those heroines from crappy kid stories have their names starting with the letter 'A' ?"
Arra looked in their direction and frowned. Ross gulped as he equally raised his own voice.
"Yeah - In LOTR , that elf queen is called 'ARWEN' and in Eragon - that other creepy elf girl is called 'ARYA' !"
This time Arra glared. Perliat ignored her deathly stare.
"MARY SUE MUCH ?" he shouted. His eyes caught a few vampires in the corner making the death touch sign.
They knew he was playing with fire and he was going to get burnt - badly. Arra was well known for her legendary patience when duelling - but handling insults from whelps on the other hand……………..
Ross looked like he swallowed a lemon when he faced the wrathful Arra Sails.
"Gee Arra - you look like an elf. Your name starts with a letter 'A' too , right ?" he inquired meekly.
"Are you a Mary Sue ?" Perliat chipped in , bracing for impact.
Arra snapped and quickly headed towards the pair , clutching her bowstaff in a rather menacing manner. Dragging a mortified Ross , Perliat dashed out of the hall at top speed.
X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X
"Just how much ale did you drink last night , Perliat ? Because I swear to the Vampire Gods you're not thinking straight. Hell - I don't think you're thinking at all."
Perliat sighed.
"Come on Ross - just stick with me for this one ," he begged , giving him the puppy dog eyes.
Ross glared. "Don't you dare go Bambi on me ," he threatened.
"Please…………….? I'll even get you a double decker pizza as soon as we hit civilisation ," Perliat cooed.
Ross huffed , "Fine - but all three of them ? ARE YOU INSANE ?!?!?!"
"Shh !" Perliat clasped his hand against his friend's mouth. "Not so loud. The generals might hear you !"
Ross moved his hand away.
"After what you're planning to do - I highly doubt there will be anyone in this God forsaken mountain that hasn't heard of this !" he retorted angrily , before continuing , " Do you realise we can be propped on the stakes for this !?!?!?"
Perliat snorted. "Don't fret my young padawan - I have his assurance that we'll emerge unscathed. The force is with us ," he replied confidently.
Ross suddenly looked suspicious.
"You've been hanging around Darth Vyper again , haven't you ?"
Perliat quickly changed the subject and pointed at the door leading to the Hall of Princes.
"Hey look ! The door is opening - let's go !" he squeaked , dragging a grumbling Ross.
After entering and waiting for a good part of half an hour - our mischief makers were trembling with anticipation. Ross was busy counting imaginary ale barrels on the wall and Perliat was just so………… ecstatic………..
Finally , when the last general delivered his report , Perliat stood up and proceeded towards the princes. Ross lagged behind , nervously shifting on one foot. All three princes stared at the pair.
"Yes ?" Paris asked kindly , stroking his beard.
'Deep breaths , Perliat - deep breaths , you can do this !' Perliat assured himself mentally. He turned and looked at the frozen Ross.
"Hey , I thought Paris was a girl's name. I remember my aunt called her baby girl Paris ," Perliat begin , ignoring Mika's sagging jaw.
Ross fidgeted and uttered loudly , " Yeah - which makes me wonder…………….."
Both of them proceeded to stare at the space between the ancient prince's legs.
Perliat suddenly looked thoughtful. "It does appear to be a little flat……….."
Ross nodded dumbly. Pairs on the other hand flushed pink. Arrow just stared , mortified , and Mika looked incredulous. Never before has any vampire dared to even utter such a remark to a prince - Paris , at that.
Perliat then stared at Mika and rubbed his chin thoughtfully with his index finger.
"Hmmm……….. Mica is actually a kind of material used in some human stuff like transistors , right ?" he asked Ross.
"Yeah - although it could have been worse. Someone could have named him Ceramic Ver Leth or even Plastic Ver Leth ," Ross agreed.
Mika's eyes bulged in shock. Excited murmurs and whispers from generals flew across the hall like wildfire. Surprisingly , none of the generals made a move to even stop the blaspheming pair. They were just too dazed to do anything.
Perliat now turned towards the final prince.
"Sire , you should have tattooed some cute butterflies on you head - it'll be a great makeover. It'll show how much of a softie you truly are ," he giggled.
Arrow narrowed his eyes.
"Actually , if you want to look tough , you should have tried nun chucks. Then we can call you Prince Nun Chucks. Arrow just seems so cliché ," Ross implored , snorting.
Arrow turned green and then red , before finally glowing purple with suppressed rage. Mika unconsciously placed his hand on the armrest of his wooden throne and the doors slowly opened. Perliat and Ross took this cue to bail - leaving behind three very shaken , discombobulated princes and a stream of excited , shell-shocked generals.
X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X
"I don't know about this one Perliat - he's always been nice to me ," Ross sounded a bit guilty.
"Well , he said that we have to target this one specifically ," Perliat quipped. He took out a list from the folds of his shirt and waved it back and forth.
Ross stopped.
"He gave you a list ?" he asked condescendingly.
Perliat nodded as he surveyed the names scrawled on it.
"Four more left ," he replied softly before smiling goofily. "Then I can get my reward and you can get you share of pizzas !"
Ross sighed as he entered the Quartermaster's quarters. Seba was busy leaning over a chest containing a few books. He finally turned and met them with a stunned gaze.
"Oh - hello. To what pleasure do I owe your unexpected company , gentlemen ?" Seba croaked , smoothing the creases on his cloak.
Ross stared at his feet. He knew what he was about to say was going to throw the kind vampire off the top of the mountain and into the deepest ocean.
"Were you born in Egypt , Seba ?" Perliat suddenly inquired , feigning curiosity.
Seba looked taken aback for a second. He seemed to compose himself for a second before carefully answering the vampire's query.
"No , I was born in Dublin actually."
Ross quickly looked up.
"Oh , our mistake then. We just thought you were named after the Nile river in Egypt ," he replied , face reddening.
Perliat shrugged before continuing , "It could have been worse. Your mother could have called you Seba Euphrates."
Seba's calm demeanour faded and turned stony. This time , Ross grabbed Perliat and dragged him out. Those books looked heavy. If Seba suddenly got any bright ideas and decided to hurl it at them - well , let's just say he didn't fancy a concussion.
X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X
"Who's next ?" Ross asked , still guilty from attacking Seba verbally.
Perliat grinned and pointed at the next name on the list. By the time Ross finished looking at the name of the next unlucky vampires , he was smiling coyly as well.
Oh , this is going to be fun……………… Ross thought slyly as they headed towards the Breeding Halls.
It was common knowledge that Kurda Smahlt and Cyrus were accused for treachery. But as you are about to see now , Cyrus didn't dramatically murder himself and neither did our handsome blond vampire end up with the dead fishes. Instead , they were granted a full pardon but with a price. Kurda and Cyrus were now supposed to milk cows and help scooping cow manure for a living. Kurda's two other assistants were mysteriously zapped out of this story by the abdominal Darth Vyper because she's facing a one hour deadline to use the computer to type her story. Cruel , I know. That is why this is fiction rated T.
Now , back to our dynamic duo.
Perliat and Ross headed towards the fallen prince-to-be and his accomplice , Cyrus. Both of them spotted the other two resting against one of the stables , sipping a warm mug of blood. Perliat cleared his throat first.
"Well , well , look what the cow dragged in ," Cyrus sneered , staring at Ross.
"Look who's talking ," Ross snarled angrily , smirking.
"Cyrus , don't engage ," Kurda warned gently.
Cyrus huffed and turned away indignantly. Kurda sighed and looked back at Perliat and Ross , smiling warmly.
"Perliat , how are -?" he began.
Perliat held out his palm and signalled him to stop.
"This is strictly business ," he cut the older vampire off. Kurda frowned , but nodded in understanding.
Perliat quickly turned to Ross , who was still glaring at Cyrus.
"Ross ," he hissed. Ross snapped out of his thoughts and gave a curt nod.
"You know why we shouldn't name people after trees ?" Ross said loudly.
Cyrus flinched in the corner and Perliat smirked.
"No , Ross - I don't believe I know why ," Perliat exaggerated , pretending to be stunned.
"It's because they'll turn out to be traitors !" he laughed.
Cyrus leapt at Ross , but Kurda pinned him down.
"No Cyrus !" Kurda warned , struggling to hold the enraged vampire down.
Perliat and Ross snickered as they headed out of the hall. Just before leaving , Perliat stole one last glance at Kurda.
"You know , a survey once showed that all natural blondes are going to die off by 2020. So I'll watch your back , if I were you ," Perliat chortled , walking out.
Kurda just stared after him , looking thoroughly constipated.
X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X
Perliat quivered as he spotted the last name on the list.
"Uh oh - Be prepared to race like the Devil is after you when we're finished with this one ," Perliat warned.
Ross swivelled sharply and looked at Perliat.
"How bad can it be ? We've only what - gone through-," he held up his fingers and ticked them off one by one , "- Larten , Arra , Paris , Mika , Arrow , Seba , Kurda and Cyrus !" he raised his voice , " So what is the worse that can-?"
Perliat shoved the list under his nose. Ross gulped and paled.
"We're dead."
Perliat nodded. "You can say that again."
"We're dead."
"I meant it as a rhetorical statement , Ross."
"Oh."
Perliat rolled his eyes. "Come on , let's just go and pray that we make out of this alive."
X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X
They found her sparring with Vanez in her private quarters. Looking at each other , our duo trembled.
"Did I mention this is suicide ?" Ross asked , watching her do a back flip and pin the Games Master down with her left foot.
"Yes , I believe you did."
Vanez laughed as he got to his feet. " You're doing well Debbie - Darren was right when he said you're one tough cookie."
Okay , another minor interruption. Let's just say that Debbie is now blooded as a vampire by Darren when he decided to visit her town one last time. Remember , this story is the by product of a lunatic authoress who has too many sugary stuff to care , so logic most certainly does NOT apply here. Ok , back to the story………..
Perliat suddenly waved , catching Debbie and Vanez's attention.
Ross quickly gushed out , "I think having your surname named after a poisonous plant must be pretty sucky , huh ?"
"Yeah - be thankful that you weren't named Poisonous Ivy , although I recommend you'll fit the title perfectly if you dye your hair green !" Perliat replied just as fast.
Debbie glared at them , towering with rage.
"RUN !!!" Ross hollered.
Both of them ran for their lives , nearly being impaled by a wooded spear and three Chinese stars.
X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X—X
"Phew !" Ross wiped the sweat from his brow.
"Close one ," Perliat agreed. " I bet the whole mountain is talking about us."
Ross nodded. Both of them finally entered Darren's room , which was empty except for one tiny occupant that was leaning against the cracked wall. Harkat grinned when he saw them , exposing a row of sharp teeth.
"Have you ….. done it ?" came the Little Person's robotic tone.
Both of them nodded.
"You win then ," Harkat replied slowly.
Perliat beamed. Ross on the other hand looked confused , which slowly turned into recognition and last but not least - fury.
"Wait a sec - you mean you did this on a DARE ?!?!?!" Ross exploded , rounding on Perliat.
Perliat quickly waggled his finger and reprimanded his friend gently , "Now , now Ross. Harkat called me a chicken , so I had to prove him wrong."
Ross twitched.
"So you mean I helped you insult the most important vampires in this hunk of rock just to prove that you aren't spineless ?!?!?!" he shrieked , his voice doubling in volume.
Perliat raised his brows in surprise. " Um…… Yeah ?"
"YOU IDIOTIC MONGOLOID ! WE COULD HAVE LIED OVER THE WHOLE THING INSTEAD OF RISKING OUSELVES BEING MURDERED BY COUNTLESS OTHER VAMPIRES !!!" Ross thundered , fuming.
Perliat stepped back , stunned.
"Ross , I know that - Hey !" He turned and faced Harkat suspiciously. "How do you know that we weren't lying anyways ?"
Harkat smiled and raised a finger , pointing at the door. Perliat slowly tapped Ross's shoulder when he saw the scene outside the door.
Ross snapped as he turned around. "What ?"
He visibly paled and gulped when he saw Larten , Arra , Paris , Mika , Arrow , Seba , Kurda , Cyrus and Debbie - all enraged and each sporting a weapon or two with them.
"Hey , do you remember that cool word we learnt the other day ?" Ross suddenly asked , shuddering.
Perliat scooted back as the phalanx of furious , bloodthirsty vampires began to cave in around them.
"Which one ?" Perliat inquired back , shaking like a leaf.
Ross gulped as he eyed Seba's machete. "I believe it was decapitation."
"Oh - that one ," Perliat replied grimly , backing into a corner.
Ross nodded.
"I believe we're finally going to find out what it means. Literally."
DSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDSDS
Perliat : You're evil you know. I don't have the guts to do half the things you wrote here. ( shudders )
Me : Oh , I know. Hell , I'm a Sith Lord after all.
Kurda : What's a Sith Lord ?
Me : Hey ! Kurdi - wudi !!! Treacherous muffy-wuffikins !!!
Kurda : ……….
Me : I LOVE YOU !!! ( drools )
Kurda : Eep !
Perliat : I warned you that she's on happy pills today.
Kurda : Next time I'm listening ………. ACK ! ( runs away )
Me : Wait ! I want to marry you and have our honeymoon in Greenland with the polar bears !!! ( chases after a screaming Kurda )
Perliat : ( makes the death touch sign to Kurda's fleeing figure ) Even when you loose your underpants to an insane authoress , may you be triumphant !!!
Okay , some of you might think it's funny - others might think it's crap , so please notify me through a review ! And no flames please - constructive criticism is appreciated though…………………
REVIEW !!!