A/N: Thanks to Nutsyfagan for pointing out an error. It has been corrected.
Disclaimer: "The King of Broken Hearts" belongs to George Strait and his record label. JAG belongs to Bellisario Productions and CBS. No money is being made off this work.
Time frame: Second half of season 10
It was on a cold Sunday afternoon that Harmon Rabb, Jr. sat down to play his guitar. It had been months since he had last done so – months since Harm had felt the need to make music to fill his time. As the riffs of music filled the air, he sank into the comfort of his couch and let the vein of his thoughts float along with the chords of his guitar. Sometimes flying just could not help him work through his emotions, though Harm had spent hours in his Stearman the day before trying to do just that. And Harm knew that when flying failed him, music was the best way to work through his emotions – it was the tried and true method that Harm had used while at Annapolis and throughout his adult life. As he lost himself in the music, Harm felt himself begin to play a song he had not played in ten years. Softly, he sang along as his fingers worked their magic on his guitar:
"The king of broken hearts doesn't ask much from his friends
And he has quite a few of them
They know he will understand
That's just the way it goes
The king of broken hearts doesn't know he's a king
He's trying to forget other things
Like some old chilly scenes
He's walking through alone"
As his fingers played the song from long memory, Harm flashed back to that fateful morning on the pier when he saw Diane's body. It had been eight years since that morning but Harm still missed his Annapolis sweetheart. He tried to remember the good times as much as possible, but occasionally the only picture that would come to Harm's minds eye was Diane covered in blood.
It was amazing to Harm that so much time had passed since Diane had lost her life. Looking at Mac no longer immediately called her image to his mind, making it easier to work with Mac and still remember the perfect moments he had spent with his first love. Harm wished so much that he had been able to see Diane just one last time but he was also incredibly thankful that he had all of the letters he had sent her – and all of the letters she had sent him. Yes, that was the one thing that Harm had never admitted to anyone else, he had kept every single letter that Diane had written to him. They were in the same drawer with the tapes his dad had sent home from Vietnam. That drawer held artifacts of all of the people who had irrevocably shaped Harm's life over the years.
The night that Mac had walked onto the pier wearing that Navy Lieutenant's uniform, Harm had thought all of his prayers had been answered – that Diane had miraculously come back to life. But that kiss with Mac had told Harm all he needed to know. The beautiful creature in the white uniform wasn't his dear Diane but the Marine who he was slowly starting to develop feelings for. At that time, Harm had only thought they were feelings of friendship, like that of siblings. But every so often over the last eight years, that kiss had come back to haunt Harm's memories both because on many levels he wished that kiss had actually been with Diane and at other times because he wanted to kiss Mac again. "He talks to angels and the stars start to spin
He thinks of troubles that he's gotten in
He recalls how his heart got broken
And how it's still that way"
Something else stirred in Harm as he let the words of the music sink into his soul, into his heart. His next serious relationship had been with Annie Pendry, the widow of his old pilot training friend Luke. Harm had been so jealous of Luke when he had married Annie. She was everything that a Naval aviator could ask for – willing to forgive the deployments and seize every single moment when her man was home with her. Annie was amazing, she had taught Harm to believe in love again after he lost Diane. And ultimately, Harm had driven her away.
It had broken Harm's heart when Annie told him to never contact her again. Harm knew deep down that Annie's heart had been broken by Luke's death but he had still dared to dream that she could let herself love another flyboy. Harm had let himself believe that she would stay with him, that he could be a surrogate father to Josh, despite his Naval career – despite the fact that he could not give her the time and commitment she deserved. Harm had honestly believed that taking Josh on that Tiger cruise was the right thing to do – that it was what Luke would have wanted. And Harm had believed that Annie would look at the events the same way. That ultimately, Annie would agree with Harm's decision to take her son on a cruise that she had disagreed with. Looking back, Harm knew that lying to Annie was wrong but it still hurt that she had cut him out of her life completely without giving him a chance to make things up to her. Now, she was somewhere in the world and he would never see her again.
"The king of broken hearts is so sad and wise
He can smile while he's crying inside
We know he'll be brave tonight
Cause he's the king of broken hearts"
And there was Jordan – dear, sweet Jordan who never deserved to die the way she did. Jordan who put up with his obsessions with his dad and understood better than anyone his relationship with Mac. Jordan who walked away from him because he chose a plane over her. How many aviators had been as stupid as him, Harm could not help but ask himself. To chose flying a few more hours over a beautiful woman who knew his heart inside out. Yes, Harm could admit to himself finally, years later, that Jordan was right when she chose not to wait on his jaunt back to flying carrier missions. There was no doubt that when it came to Jordan, Harm was the one that had made the mistakes.
Oh, but her laugh had been perfect and Harm could lose himself in her eyes when she smiled. Jordi, who had gotten along with all of Harm's friends and who had been there at night to comfort him as he tried to find his way through life once everything had been resolved in regards to his dad. She was the only one of his friends that had not questioned Harm's borderline obsessive behavior, the only one who had been willing to listen to him recount all of the stories that Admiral Boone had told Harm about his dad. She was the only one who had never asked him to be someone he was not, the only one who at the end had left with no regrets where Harm was concerned. Harm missed her terribly after she died, but he knew, deep in his heart, that somewhere Jordi, Diane, and his father were watching him and trading stories about the man he had become – they were his guardian angels.
"He talks to angels and the stars start to spin
He thinks of troubles that he's gotten in
He recalls how his heart got broken
And how it's still that way"
As the end of the song drew nearer, Harm knew who would be next in his thoughts because she was the one person that he could not get out of his head – LtCol Sarah MacKenzie. Of all of the women in his life, Mac was the one who had always stood beside him. She had flown to Russia to chase down his father on almost no evidence. She had believed in him even when he returned to flight status and she was the first one to forgive him and accept him back when he had returned to JAG Headquarters. She had stood by him when NCIS had accused him of killing Loren Singer and she never once lost faith in him as he struggled to get them out of Paraguay.
Harm had never told her how much he relied on her phone calls during his time at the CIA as a pilot – her messages were the one thing he had looked forward to every time he returned from another crazy mission. And her support of his adoption of Mattie had been the single most meaningful event of his life. To know that despite everything they had been through, good and bad, she still believed that he would be a good father and that he was good man had been an incredible surprise to him and had touched him so deeply that Harm still had not found the right words to thank her.
But Harm could finally admit to himself that her car accident at Christmas was the first time he had realized exactly how important Mac was to him. He had realized that if he never acted on his feelings then Harmon Rabb, Jr. would regret losing the woman he was falling in love with again. A cynical smile found its way to Harm's face as he realized that facing mortality always put life in the exact context and perspective that it needed. But the cynicism stayed in his mind because Harm was afraid. Yes, he could finally admit it to himself. Harm was afraid that he would screw up his relationship with Mac and lose the one person who had meant the most to him in the last ten years – his best friend.
"The king of broken hearts thinks that he's no fool
He's a little bit like me and you
So what's a king like that supposed to do
With all that blue time
We know he'll be brave tonight
Cause he's the king of broken hearts
He's the king of broken hearts"
As the last notes of the song drifted into his silent apartment, Harm felt a single tear escape his eye. As a fighter pilot he was never supposed to admit to fear but inside, Harm was terrified that he was running out of time to tell Mac how he felt. After she had almost died at Christmas, Harm had been trying to work up the courage to tell her his feelings – to cross that final line between best friend and boyfriend. He needed to find some way to tell her that he loved her more than life itself.
But first, he needed to go to bed. General Cresswell had scheduled staff meeting for 0700 tomorrow morning and Harm had already been up far later than he had intended. Moving to put his guitar away, Harm let a small smile find its way onto his face. Maybe tomorrow would be the day that Harm would ask Mac out or maybe he would just come out and tell her that he loved her.
A/N: Thanks for reading another one of my forays into the JAG world! I've had this song stuck in my head for several days and decided that it fit Harm somewhat well from my perspective. As always, I welcome reviews of all types.