AN: I have no excuse for keep writing new things. Bare with me please and enjoy.
Disclaimer: Standard issue-read everyone else's. Except this first part/poem piece, its from Anna. The last IS mine, don't plagiarize please.
Status: Complete—3 chapters.
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Oh! To be Alive
by: C.T.
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Chapter One
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One step forward making two steps back-
Riding piggy on the bad boys back for life,
Lining up for the grand illusion-
No answers for no questions asked,
Lining up for the execution-
And not knowing why.
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She glared the best glare she had ever glared in her entire life. And she fancied herself pleased.
That thought was slightly frightening. She had never before taken pleasure in bringing fear into another, never found anything at all good in making others suffer. Perhaps she should have done this more often then-instead of watching as her companions did it for her-because from the look on her victims face, she was doing a good job.
She frowned, she was supposed to be the good girl. She was supposed to feel sorry for the guy—and to tell the truth she could already feel the resentful hands of guilt beginning to sift through her insides. That wasn't supposed to happen anymore! Her friends had constantly told her that her sympathies would be the death of her, she needed to be more mature and not so naïve. At first she had denied being immature, denied that she was wrong to feel compassion for those she struck down.
But now as she felt the guilt well up inside of her, the pity for this man, she thought maybe her friends were right. For some reason she could not stop feeling emotions of forgiveness towards those who had wronged Him, no matter how wrong the situation.
And now, as she stared down at the man before her, Usagi realized that perhaps it wasn't her fault at all. Perhaps it was theirs.
It had been so long ago since she had been human, it seemed that she had always been His right hand, always done his errands and protected this earth on a higher level. Maybe in her absence something had changed in the way humanity acted.
It had to have changed, never in her life time had there ever been so many wars and so many sinners. Now it seemed as if she was always on some mission of God, she felt as if she was once again living down here on the earth. It was all of the newcomers. Heaven and Hell were filling up very fast, and it was a fact that the Systems that ran the List were working overtime, adding in newbie's and filing them away into paradise or purgatory.
When she had last visited Hell, Hotaru had feared that the systems would malfunction from all of the arrivals. Of course Usagi had assured her, after all, Ami ran the System. And Ami was a genius.
There was a scuffle on the dirt before her, bringing her back to the task at hand. "Deacon Barton. What have you done?" Her voice was laced with sorrow, and her eyes shone with confusion.
The room was full of people, but he had eyes only for her. She radiated purity and innocence, much like Marimaia had before he tainted her. She stood there, in a simple white shift, her hair down and around her. He had mistaken her for an angel at first. But it was not so apparently—after all, angels had wings, and she did not.
"Shoot her!" He cried out, pointing an elegantly gloved hand at her small form. But he only received blank looks, "Are you blind! SHOOT HER!"
Relena Dorlene, Vice Foreign Minister, and Lady Une pulled Marimaia behind them protectively. They hid themselves in the shadows and looked to see what the two remaining officers would do with the vague command.
They ran.
The room was empty except for Deacon, Relena, Une, and Marimaia. This was perfect for Usagi, she wouldn't allow everyone in the room to see her, only those with direct death would be able to even catch a glimpse of her iridescent figure. Only those who had killed in cold blood…
That left two..
She unveiled herself for those two, knowing that Lady Une wouldn't say a word. At least not yet.
Usagi turned her attention back to Deacon Barton, who had reached out for a gun. "Barton," she whispered angrily as he fumbled for the machine.
He merely turned limply to her, his hands empty, his face haggard and weary. "I suppose you have come to take me to hell? Come to kill me or what?" She only continued to stare at him with those eyes, Those eyes so full of.. "Spare me your pity woman. I made my choices, as have the gundams and everyone else who has joined this war."
She tugged on a strand of her sun kissed locks and tilted her head quizzically, "Please explain. This world is in turmoil and it…" She paused, her eyes moistening and filling with pain, "It hurts. There are so many who are hurting. And you," Her voice rose in anger and passion, "Have helped to further and nurture such emotions! I have been forced to interfere for the sake of the world-and you…."
A tear slipped down her face.
"You must die."
She could feel it, the pull of Fate that brought the young soldier into the room, that caused him to shoot Deacon.
"I have eliminated the traitor Deacon Barton. I express my sincere apologies." The young man said with fear before running away again.
It was always the same, Fate would pull the strings for Him, sullying the hands of the mortals for a martyrs cause, and leave her watching. Each time it was almost too painful, and Usagi had to wonder why she was even sent out. Sometimes she got a person to repent and was able to Forgive them. But those moments were too few and too far.
It made her sick, this new humanity.
But there was hope blazing behind her like a beacon in the dark, Relena Dorlene would do much for this world. Already things were improving, and it was like a breath of fresh air.
Usagi knew that it would be short lived-for her at least. This peace would last a century or two, and then crumble like dust on the wind. The cure of immortality was that she would be there for it all.
With a sigh Usagi prepared herself for Ascent when she felt the approach of….
Death.
Every nerve in her body tingled and vibrated, her very essence screaming and writhing in sensations that were painful and tempting at the same time. Seductive and excruciating all at once.
The purity of her soul had allowed her to manifest her body in the next plane of existence. And it was that very same trait that had landed her this job. And it was that very characteristic that was screaming in torment.
Death was approaching.
Tears began to flow steadily down her cheeks as she turned towards the door to face whatever was coming—whatever it was that was rendering her very existence into sadness.
It was a boy… A man really, with dark chocolate hair, cobalt blue eyes, covered in bloody scratches and burns. He was—"Heero!" Relena yelled preparing to stand up.
"No! Ms. Relena! Stay down!" Une shouted, her eyes locked on Usagis trembling form.
Relena almost paid no mind, but one look from her Perfect Soldier sent her crumbling back onto her knees. "Heero." She whispered sadly, not liking the way he kept focused at where Deacon lay dead.
"Who are you?" He asked, his gun drawn, his voice monotonous.
Relena was stunned, he seemed to be talking to someone before him, but there was no one. Frantically she looked back at Lady Une, only to see her facing in the same direction. Was there something she was missing?
Usagi locked eyes with Heero and answered quietly, "Usagi. And you are?"
"Were you involved?" His words were clipped, but she could sense the worry in them, "I will kill you."
"Why?"
The question drew him aback, no one had ever asked him that question before he shot them. There were usually words, and gunfire aplenty, but never the question 'why.'
"Because, you—
Usagi tilted her head to the side again, sensing the confusion and the sadness within him. He had a mark upon him, and it was hard to see… But it looked like the hand of Destiny had rested heavily upon his shoulders, scorching him.
"I'm sorry." She interrupted, her eyes delving into his own, portraying her sincerity. "Truly I am, no one should have to do the things that you have done…" Her eyes filmed over with distant memories, "Or see the things you have seen. It is hard yes? To have to walk this life knowing the things that no one else ever will, having the power to do things that mark you as…." She paused, searching his face.
"Death." He supplied for her, dropping the gun and his arm to his side. "But I have missions-
"The most precious gift in this world is life. Heero Yui. But you and your friends, the Preventers, you hold the cross that burdens you: The decision of life. The times you live in have placed you in a position that should never be taken upon by a mortal, the role of God. They have given you the right to save and destroy life. For the greater good you would kill. To save a life you would end one… Either way you would have been damned." She walked forwards, walking to him.
Though her place in heaven demanded that she condemn and damn this man to the depths of hell, she just couldn't. Her soul wouldn't allow her to.
Heero Yui was quiet. He had come into the room with the intent to destroy Deacon and Marimaia, had he found salvation instead. He knew it to be untrue, he was not worthy of forgiveness, and he wasn't sure he was sorry for what he had done. Yes, there were things that he wasn't proud of, things he would take back—but he had done good, at least he thought so.
"You'd offer me forgiveness." He saw her face light up, her eyes sparkle as she thought she could save him… "No."
"Heero!" It was Lady Une. "You don't need to punish yourself any longer! Don't you think that you too have suffered humanity?"
Relena drew Marimaia closer, unsure at the way the conversation was going. "Heero?"
The prodigy of man and his greed turned his dark eyes to her, and she gasped at what she saw. Deep within him was a hopelessness that she had never seen in anyone.
"I don't want it. It is my burden to live with the memory of that girl and her dog. Humanity has suffered me. I would end my life-
She needed to make understand that he wasn't worthless or unworthy. He was at the beck and call of Fate and Destiny, servants of God. He deserved to live too. For a moment she felt betrayed by The Powers That Be. How long had it been for her? When was the last time she had been able to feel freely for those who she met? How long had it been since she had been free to feel? Her friends wanted to change her, wanted her to change to fit the role that she was to play for Them. But… She needed more-and he needed to know that there was more. Usagi stepped right up to him, their noses almost touching, and kissed him.
His eyes widened and his body stiffened under the foreign sensation. But then… A part of him, a big part of him, felt soothed and calmed by the gentle touch. And then there was that other part of him that was the exact opposite. Inflamed, impassioned… Alive.
Her delicate hand rested against his chest, her fingers curled into his shirt. And as their lips embraced, he did the same with their bodies. He pulled her to him, he needed to feel this for just a little longer. He would play the martyr later, he would deny himself the pleasures of the world and live like death. But he wanted this moment, his very being craved to know and understand what it was he would be leaving behind…
Then she pulled away, and this time-it was her eyes that were wide. "I felt that."
He blinked at that simple statement, he had felt it too.
They stared at one another for a long time.
Relena was now scared out of her mind, where there had once been one man, there was now a man and a woman. She was beautiful, her long golden hair worn down below her calves, her brilliant sapphire eyes sparkling with emotions. Perhaps it was the shock of her sudden appearance that was causing this sensation within her chest-or perhaps it was the way she had appeared--in an intimate embrace with the man she had adored.
She could feel the sting in her eyes, but couldn't find it within herself to be angry at anything. She didn't know what was going on, but she didn't have to—not to understand the light that was shining in their eyes. It was something that she had never seen within Heero before, a spark that she only saw when she dreamed of him. He looked so—
"We can still save her!" Lady Une yelled out loud, "We must get Marimaia to a doctor." Relena nodded and helped her lift the child, she cast one last glance at the couple before walking out of the room, silently wishing them the best of… Whatever it is they were looking for.
Usagi stared at the man before her. There was something about him without a doubt, and now there was something about her because she had felt—felt the touch.
But she was above such mundane things, physically anyways. Or at least, she had been. But there was no mistaking the utterly female reaction she had had towards him and his proximity. And such feelings had not graced her since… Since she had been alive.
"Alive." She whispered, placing her fingers over her lips, and feeling it.
He looked at her, his training refusing to let him question her on her actions. Besides, females tended to talk because they liked the sound of their voice..
Usagi sent him a look that plainly said she could easily tell the general direction of his thought. She glared at him, but it was the weakest glare she had ever glared in her entire new life.
A new life.
"We live." She said to him, not moving away—and he wasn't either. "I live again, and so will you. Right?" She knew that the System had probably screwed up and malfunctioned, resulting in this new life. But she didn't care about how it came about, she had a life and so did he! They would live…
"Hn," was his reply, and he could tell that it wasn't an adequate response. Her face was like an open book, all of the emotions she felt—which was a lot—played across her face. It was something that he had never seen before in his life and he found himself wanting to see more…
"Heero, I have done—or rather, not done some things in my er.. life that I wish I had, things that I should have done, things that I will always beat myself up over. They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Well I have it on very good authority that the road to anything doesn't exist if you don't take the risk. As people, humans, we can only do so much. And on the same token, there is only so much that we cant do. It is a double bind isn't it? IF you stand by while a man is murdered then what? And if you kill the murderer as your only way to save and innocent-
"Then we are all damned. Humanity was doomed to failure from the beginning." His voice was soft and bland, his energy was running low from surviving the explosion of Wing Zero. But at the same time he felt full of energy, felt as if he had gained something he had never had before. It unnerved him that he was feeling all of these alien emotions, and thinking the strangest things. But if what she said was true-then he was damned with his first breath, so where was the harm-
"As I said, we can only do so much. But what do you think is right? To let someone die? To have the power to save an innocent and let it pass? You were right in many of your actions. Fighting for the greater good and all… But sometimes it takes a while for everyone else to understand." She spoke from experience, for she too had fought against the world to save the life of one little girl, when she would have been left to die, and in the proves had put the world in danger.
She allowed her bangs to fall over her face hiding her eyes. 'How misunderstood are we. Do They understand?' With a sigh she reached up between them and pulled her hair into two odangos, when she was done she looked up and smiled, then blinked when she came nose to nose with him yet again.
Usagi had completely forgotten about their proximity to one another—she blushed. "…" She didn't have to think up an eloquent remark, Heero's legs crumpled beneath him.
"Ah!" She gasped as she too, went down when she tried to take his weight. He lay slumped over her shoulder, his breathing faint and uneven. "No, you have to live too ya sneak." She whispered cradling the strange boy to her. "You're not allowed to die just yet."
Heero smiled, a grim and unsure expression. "No?" He struggled a little and tried to rise fully to his knees, "Then, tell me." He glanced at her sharply, "What am I? If not a soldier of war, or a disturbance of peace, then what. What can I do?" His eyes were so heavy… "I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Not again," His eyes became distant and shadowed, "I cant loose that girl again."
Usagi only clutched him tighter. "What can any of us ever do?" She smiled at him, the smile of one who will keep on going, no matter what. The smile of one who has seen the world and loves it all. The smile of someone who cant stand to see another's pain, not his.
He needed to hear this, he needed to know that going on wasn't pain, he needed to know that there was. something else. Not an afterlife, he needed his faith restored in what he had now.
So she smiled.
"We can live."
And then he smiled, and together they made their way, not from one identity to another, but from the edges of death…
To life.
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Existence is defined by thoughts and riddles-
And we play the fiddle all throughout the night,
Roaming this road for what it's worth-
Trying to make it something more,
Roaming this world since our birth-
And always taking it for granted.
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AN: Well, this was kind of, weird. I was having one of those days. Well, tell me if those are the days I should be writing on more often. Lol, anyways. Review and let me know what you think.
OH! Please please please don't take ANY offense to the things I wrote about God, I did not mean to offend any creed, so please look deeper into the meanings of what I wrote! And, Think of the System that I talked about like the Ictricel System on Ah! My Godess. It best fits the description. Well, thanks.
CT