Title: Giving Up
Author: Tainted Gemini
Rating: PG 13
Warnings: slight incestuous slash, and language and angst.
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or the characters of Sam and Dean Eric Kripke does
Description: Sam finds a Letter to himself written by Dean hidden in his brother's bag.
A big thank you too my beta, and good friend Julie. Any constructive criticism is always welcome and appreciated.
Giving Up
Sam stared at the ugly walls, luminous yellow walls were just plain wrong, a crime against nature. Shaking his head he moved to the bed at a rather sluggish pace. It had been a difficult few months, and he was exhausted, and more than a little glad to be able to rest in this dingy motel. Even with the evil coloured walls. Flopping down on the bed, he sighed contently, the bed was comfy, that was all he wanted right now. Turning on his side he just happens to glance at what he thought was his bag. Only it was not his bag, it was Deans'.
Dean was currently out on some errand or another; he had just dropped off his brother before speeding off to some unknown destination. Sam sighed there was a lot of things lately that his brother did, which left him feeling more than a little bit confused. A folded piece of parchment paper lay next to the bag, where he had dropped it on entering the room, and Sam wondered if maybe it had fallen out of the bag.
Groaning he stood up slowly, and made his way over to the bag, bending down he grabbed the parchment moving to put it back in the bag, he stalls. Maybe he should check it first; if it was not Deans then he should just throw it away. Unfolding it carefully he glanced at and inhaled sharply nearly falling over he put his hand down to steady himself. It was a letter from Dean. He stood up slowly. Clutching the letter he made his way back to the bed. Settling himself he began to read.
Dear Sammy,
It has been surprisingly easy to just give up on life. I am actually surprised, no I am not kidding. Sure my life sucks but usually I have been quite attached to being alive. I mean come on with this body, how could I not be? The chicks love it; no really stop laughing, they do. I know Demon Girls are hot but they are also evil. I am not gone on Demons as you well know. I wonder if I will be able to kill Demons in Hell. That would be so awesome, probably not though. That is s a pity really, having so many of the sons of bitches in the one place sure would be mighty handy.
The Impala I am sure going to miss her, you better take damn good care of her or I will haunt your ass. What a Car. She is more than a Car really, more of a Goddess of Cars. I really love that Car. She has taken me so many places. God I will miss that Car. There are other things I will miss too of course. I will miss food. I mean good food nice and greasy not that healthy crap. I'm not a rabbit thank you I am a red blooded male and proud of it. I'll miss Sex. I'm really going to miss sex. I suppose I covered that part with the whole missing chicks but I have to say sex is awesome. Hunting, I will really miss hunting. Nothing makes me feel more alive than sending those sons of bitches back to hell.
I will miss Bobby too. Bobby is the best. He really is a great guy, and someone to really look up to as a mentor. Someone you will need to have watching your back when you royally screw up Sammy. That reminds me I will have to have a little chat with him about you one of these days. I am sure I do not need to ask him to keep an eye on you but theirs things he needs to know. You need special care baby brother and I have instructions for him. Do not worry I will tell him to give you lots of hugs.
I will miss Ellen and Jo too. Bobby, Ellen and Jo, they are pretty much are each part of our little family now. Now Sammy you have to be careful, that Jo does not talk you into letting her become your new partner. That would just not be a good idea. I am aware that you are secretly a girl trapped in a man's body that is okay with me. I am sure Ellen would have no problem if you asked her to give you a hug. I guess I am avoiding the point of the letter but well it's not easy. The person I will miss the most is you Sammy.
You know I am not the sentimental type I leave that to you but there are things you need to know. I cannot say them out loud so this letter will have to do. I know you are angry at me for giving up my life for yours. I understand, and I felt the same after Dad did it for me. You can call it selfishness, very bad judgment, or a moment of insanity but I do not care Sammy, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I love you, you are my brother, my family my best friend and something else that I cannot define. It is not that I do not know what it is; it is more that, I do not want you to know. Trust me it is better that you do not know about this side of me.
Enough about that anyway I am going to be a dead man very soon, like I should have stayed the first time around. I know you are arguing with me inside your head but it will not do you any good so just stop. The only thing I am worried about is what is going to happen to you when I am gone. I have realized something recently. It does not matter if I am here or not. I cannot protect you from them or yourself. I see your struggle but I say nothing. Truth is, Sammy I screwed up big time, you are not the same and it is my fault. I am happy to die because I know if that darkness takes over you I will not be able to stop you.
I am happy to die because I believe I am fuelling that darkness. I am happy to die because I love you too much to watch it happen. Maybe I am a coward or just plain selfless but I cannot watch you die again, not whether it is literally or figuratively speaking.
I love you Sammy more than you will ever know.
Love,
Dean
P.S Take good care of my car!
Sam's eyes were wet, before he even stopped reading, he could not move from his position his hands shook, clutching the letter tightly he sat on the bed waiting for Dean.
"Sam have you seen my bag anywhere?" Dean asked coming through the door of their Motel room.
Getting no answer he looked around the room.
"God these walls are bright, are they trying to blind us or what? If we were not trying to keep a low profile, I would so complain. I mean luminous yellow come on…" he stopped when he noticed Sam's state.
Realizing something was wrong he rushed to his brother's side. Clutching Sam shoulders he started to shake him gently. He flinched when Sam's tearful eyes met his so full of misery Dean wished he had something to kill. Dean's heart sunk when Sam handed him the letter he had written to his brother, the one he never intended him to see. He swallowed hard trying to gather his wits.
"You cannot save me? You are happy to die?" Sam whispered brokenly.
"I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that letter. You were never supposed to read it," Dean answered in a deep emotion filled voice.
His eyes pleading with him brother for forgiveness, for the hurt he caused.
"Don't leave me Dean," Sam begged.
He looked so much like a child then, it reminded Dean of when they were children and it had been his sole desire to protect Sam's life and innocence. It broke Dean's heart but it made him realize nothing had changed that was still his sole desire.
"I'll do my best not leave you Sammy" he promised.
Sam half smiled.
You promise?" he pleaded.
"I promise you," Dean answered pulling Sam close.
"I'll protect you Sammy" he whispered.
Sam held onto him as if his life depended on it.
"There's something I did not say in the letter. Well I kind of mentioned it but it was vague." Dean said softly not sure if he should continue.
"What else I mean to you?" Sam asked.
Dean nodded Sam felt it more than saw it Sam looked up and smiled he moved his face closer to Dean's, who stood unmoving. Sam brushed his lips softly against Dean's. His brother responded instantly. Pulling Sam against him, he deepened the kiss. Sam was happy to let Dean, Take control for now anyway. Dean's tongue begged for entrance into his mouth and Sam granted it instantly. Sam was dizzy as Dean's tongue roamed his mouth as if he was trying to possess all of him but in Sam's mind he already did. Dean owned him body and soul. Dean pulled back for air.
"We should take this slowly don't you think?"
Sam arched an eyebrow before pulling Dean down onto to the bed with him.
"Okay I'm exhausted but tomorrow night, you are going to show me why all those girls seem to like you so much," Sam answered him.
Dean smiled lecherously at his brother and nodded
"And no more girls"
Dean gazed at him lovingly. "All I need is you"