This story has nothing to do with my previous Nanao-centric story, Breaking Walls. No specific timeline, but sometime after the last battle of the Winter War. I have no beta, so all the mistakes are mine. I read the thing through about eight times, but I'm sure something has slipped through. Constructive criticism welcome.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, nor do I make any money from writing these stories. It's for entertainment purposes only.
The battle was winding down. Most of the surviving arrancar were either dead or fleeing. Ise Nanao ran through the battlefield searching for a specific reiatsu. She and her captain had started the fight together, but had gotten separated in the chaos. For the first time ever, she was having trouble finding him. His reiatsu was very faint, and it was wavering alarmingly. She finally got a fix on him, and sped on. Her ribs protested her speed, and she could feel blood running down her arm, but that was ignored in her concentration. Any remaining enemies that got in her way were blown to bits by furious kido blasts. She finally found Kyouraku, and her heart froze in her chest. He was sprawled on the ground unconscious, blood everywhere. Captain Ukitake was kneeling beside his friend, a grim expression on his face.
"Nanao-san! You're here! I've called 4th, but they'll take a minute to get here. Can you do anything for him until they get here?"
She knelt beside her captain, trying to ignore the blood that was seeping into the knees of her hakama. Her hands hovered over his torso, glowing with kido.
"I'll try, but I'm not very good with healing kido."
She concentrated completely on her captain, blocking all else out of her perception. She could feel his reiatsu wavering, and tried to strengthen it. She could also sense the terrible damage that had been inflicted on his body. She poured her reiatsu into him, caring little that she was low on energy and injured herself, until she felt someone else's taking over. She felt people trying to pull her away from him.
She opened her eyes, to see a squad of healers frantically working on him. They loaded him onto a stretcher, and hurried back to the 4th.
Nanao tried to get to her feet, but her knees buckled, and she found herself sitting on the ground, her hakama absorbing even more of Captain Kyouraku's blood.
"Are you all right Nanao-san?" came the worried voice of Captain Ukitake.
"Just tired. Ukitake-taicho, please, help me up. I need to get to 4th. I need to be there."
"Let's go then Nanao-san." He extended his hand to his friend, giving her a close look. She was pale, shaking, bloody, and looked like she had tears running down her cheeks. Not that he was feeling much better.
"How is he?"
"I couldn't do anything. All the reiatsu I poured into him didn't do anything. Please, I need to get to him. I need to be there. Please."
Their trip to 4th took longer than expected. Both had sustained injuries, and these were made worse by circumstances. Nanao could hardly stay on her feet, and Ukitake was wheezing, trying to fight off a full-blown coughing attack while supporting a staggering Nanao. They finally made it, after what seemed an eternity. When they finally staggered into the Division, they were met by a shocked looking Captain Unohana.
"Ise-fukutaicho, Ukitake-taicho. I..." Her voice trailed off. The normally calm healer seemed to be at a loss for words.
"Unohana-taicho. Where is Kyouraku-taicho? Please? I need to see him, to be there for him when he wakes up."
"Kyouraku-taicho sustained serious injuries to his body and soul. There was too much damage for us to heal. I'm sorry to say that Kyouraku-taicho died not long after arriving here."
Nanao made a sound somewhere between a gasp and a wail, as her legs buckled again. Ukitake staggered as her full weight hit him, and they both would have fallen if Unohana hadn't leapt forward and caught Nanao, leaving Ukitake to catch his balance. The healer guided Nanao to a bed, taking a close look at the other woman as she did. What she saw concerned her. Nanao had been pale before, but now she had no colour at all. She was also shaking, covered in blood, and had a dazed, almost blank expression on her face. Calling in her Vice-Captain to look after captain Ukitake, she treated Nanao's injuries, and gave her a sedative; sleep was what she needed right now.
Nanao woke slowly. Opening her eyes, she recognized that she was in 4th, but her memories of how she got there were a little hazy. She remembered the battle, but not much after that. She knew she was missing something, but couldn't think of what it was. As she thought about it, Captain Unohana appeared in the doorway. Her appearance triggered the missing memories, and everything came crashing back. However, even with the memory, she felt like there was a wall between her and the emotions she should be feeling.
"He's dead, isn't he?"
"Yes, he is."
"How long have I been here?"
"You've been sleeping here for two days, Ise-san."
A thought suddenly occurred to Nanao.
"How's Ukitake-taicho? He was fighting a coughing attack when we got here."
"He'll be fine. He had only minor injuries, and with rest, his lungs are as good as they ever are."
The gentle healer looked uncertain for a moment, "Ise-san, how are you feeling?"
Nanao hesitated.
"I should feel awful, but I don't. Physically, I feel fine, but emotionally I feel detached. I just don't seem to be feeling much of anything right now."
Unohana nodded.
"Delayed onset of shock. Ise-san, I don't have any reason to keep you here, but I do want you to stay with someone for a few days. It's not a good time for a person to be alone."
"I can stay with Matsumoto or Ukitake-taicho I guess."
"One more thing. Kyouraku-taicho's funeral is tomorrow."
Nanao lost all colour again at that, and Unohana continued, "If you feel you aren't up to attending, no-one will blame you or force you to attend. Do whatever you feel is best for you."
With that, the healer left the room, leaving Nanao alone. She got dressed, then sat down trying to figure out what to do next, when there was a knock and a red-eyed Matsumoto entered.
"Oh Nanao! I'm so sorry. How are you doing?"
Nanao found herself enveloped in her friends embrace. Usually she would be struggling to get free, but not this time. She closed her eyes, and leaned into Matsumoto's chest.
This told Matsumoto that Nanao was either ready to fall completely apart, or that she had shut down and wasn't feeling anything, but she didn't know which. She had spent time alternating between tears, disbelief that one of the strongest captains in Soul Society could be dead, and wondering how the two closest to him were doing. Now she had some idea about one. She released her friend, and took a long look at her face.
"Matsumoto-san, Unohana-taicho wants me to stay with someone tonight. May I stay with you please?"
Nanao was trying to keep the emotional distance she was feeling. She wasn't ready to deal with the emotions she knew were waiting for her behind that wall, so she was taking refuge in formality.
Matsumoto sensed that, and for the time being was willing to let her. If that was what she needed to do to cope, then let her, at least for a little while. She would make sure that Nanao dealt with everything soon.
"Of course you can, stay for as long as you want Nanao."
"Thank-you. Since Unohana-taicho has said she has no reason to keep me here, I should see to the Division, make sure they know they aren't completely leaderless. If anything is going to get done, they need to have leadership, at least until the Captain-Commander assigns someone else to us."
With that she left, leaving an astonished Matsumoto in her wake.
Nanao returned to Matsumoto's quarters late that evening. She had given the division time off, telling them that normal division operations would be resuming in one week. She had confirmed the swirling rumours about the captain's death, and told them about the funeral. She had also endured countless hugs from well-meaning division members, friends, and people she didn't even realize knew her. That was the hardest part for her. She was not a very tactile person at the best of times, but now she was still trying to maintain that wall of detachment. Having people clinging to you while crying was not the best thing for that. She endured it though, it made her subordinates feel better, and that was part of her job. All she wanted to do now was peace and quiet and some sleep. She must have looked exhausted, because Matsumoto silently set up the futon for her, and she fell onto it and was sound asleep in just minutes.
Matsumoto had just drifted off to sleep, when she heard a strange sound coming from the other room. She woke, wondering what it could be, when she heard it again, but louder. She got up and went into the other room, and was only slightly surprised by what she saw. Nanao was hopelessly tangled in her blankets, thrashing as if fighting something. She let out another heart-rending cry, still thrashing. Matsumoto knelt beside her, intending to untangle her feet, when she felt her reiatsu raising alarmingly. That made her change her mind about what was most important. Instead of untangling Nanao, she leaned over to shake her awake. She didn't want the other to loose control of her reiatsu in her sleep. Normally Nanao had no problem controlling her reiatsu, but in the throes of such a vivid nightmare, it was better not to chance it. Matsumoto knew she would have no chance of containing anything Nanao might cast in her sleep. As soon as she touched her shoulder, Nanao bolted up with a shriek. It looked like she was still half asleep, so Matsumoto tried speaking to her.
"Nanao, wake up. You're safe here, the battle's over."
"I can't move. Why can't I move? What's happening?"
"You were having a nightmare. You're in my guest room. You can't move because you've tangled your blankets around you. Here, let me help you untangle yourself."
She reached for the other woman, only to have her flinch away from her hand.
"Nanao, it's just me. All I want to do is help untangle you. Will you let me do that?"
She tried to untangle Nanao again, and this time was able to loosen the blanket. She then took a good look at her friend. Nanao was pale, trembling, and her eyes were glazed with what was either fear or shock. It didn't look like she would be getting back to sleep anytime soon. Unohana had sent Matsumoto home with a vial of sedative, just in case Nanao was woken by nightmares, since she didn't want to add exhaustion to the list of things Nanao had to worry about. It had to be added to liquid, and drunk, not injected, as Unohana knew that Nanao wouldn't want to take it; Matsumoto just had to find a way to get her to drink something.
"I always find that if I'm having trouble sleeping, some nice hot tea helps. Do you want me to make some for us?"
She received no answer, but went to start the water boiling anyway, trying to ignore the muffled whimper when she left.
After getting some tea into her, Matsumoto sat with Nanao until she drifted off into an uneasy sleep, and then went back to bed herself. She cried for her friends until she fell asleep.
The next few days were a blur to Nanao. She had attended the funeral, but didn't remember much. She had been too focused on controlling her emotions to really pay attention to what was happening.
She had stayed with Matsumoto for several days, and her friends had rarely left her alone. She supposed she was grateful in the abstract, knowing that they cared, but it was starting to annoy her. She wasn't used to spending all her time with other people, and she missed her evenings with a mug of tea and a good book. She just wanted her life to go back to normal, or as normal as it could be these days. Well, she was going back to her own place in the morning. Hopefully, her Division would give her some space, at least in the evenings.
She had plans for her people. There was still a war on, and she had to make sure that they were able to face and survive anything that came at them. With that thought, she dropped of into a fitful sleep.
She woke up with tears on her face, just as the first traces of dawn could be seen in the sky. It was early to be up, but she knew she wouldn't get back to sleep. She had not been sleeping well since it had happened. Frequently she had been shaken out of a nightmare by Matsumoto, who had heard her whimpering in her sleep. She was glad she hadn't woken anyone this time, maybe the nightmares were lessening.
Her scream echoed down the halls of 8th as Nanao bolted upright in her bed. She had just had the worst nightmare ever of the battle where Shunsui had died. He was fighting several arrancar at once, and they were winning. She tried to go to help him but there was a barrier between them, rendering her helpless. The sight of the arrancar tearing him apart would not go away. It was made worse by the fact that she hadn't actually been there to see what happened, so her imagination could conjure whatever it wanted to torment her. She sat in bed, gasping for breath, and tried to calm down. She was startled by a loud pounding on her door.
"Ise-fukutaicho! Ise-fukutaicho! Are you all right? It sounded like you screamed. Do you need help?"
Nanao scrambled out of bed and into her robe, afraid that if she didn't answer the door, her squad members would break it down, and storm in to ensure her safety. She opened her door to see her third seat in front of several other members of the squad. They all looked concerned, and the third seat had his hand on the hilt of his zanpakuto.
"I'm fine. I just had a nightmare. I'm sorry for disturbing all of you. Please go back to your quarters. I'll see you all in the morning."
She saw more than one unsure look directed at her, but she was their commanding officer, and it didn't look like anything was wrong that they could help with, so they left. The third seat looked like he was going to say something, but decided against it. With a final look over his shoulder at her, he slowly left.
Back inside her quarters, Nanao sank down onto her futon, and struggled not to cry. She had hoped that the nightmares were receding, but it looked like they were back, and worse than ever. She supposed it made sense, she hadn't truly been alone since it happened. Now not only was she alone, she was back in familiar surroundings. She didn't think that she would be able to sleep anymore, but it was far too early to be up. She sighed meditation wasn't as good as real sleep, but it would have to do. Besides, she needed to work on her Bankai, and communication with her zanpakuto, the best starting place, required meditation. She settled into a comfortable position, and sank into meditation. She would just have to get by on the sleep she had been able to get.
Nanao stood in the 8th Division training grounds, trying not to let her frustration overwhelm her. It was very late, but this was the only time that she could find to train for bankai. Her days were far too full of administrative details and training drills for her to get time to herself. Actually, having her training sessions this late at night worked for her. She still had nightmares almost every night, and if she didn't try to get to sleep too early, she was able to give the illusion that she was fine. That brought her thoughts back to the present. She was so very close to achieving bankai, but there was something not quite right. She had managed the manifestation of her zanpakuto spirit, but hadn't managed to actually achieve bankai. She had no idea where she was supposed to go now, and her zanpakuto wasn't helping. It was giving her cryptic advice that she didn't understand. She had thought about going to someone for advice, but it would have to be a captain, and the only one she would be comfortable going to was Captain Ukitake. She had quickly decided against that idea, as she didn't want to get into a discussion about other things.
I should be able to figure this out on my own. All I have to do is figure out what "I will not help you until you finish. You know what you have to do. You are blocking yourself," means. If I knew what I was supposed to do, I would be doing it, not standing here trying to figure it out! I need to achieve bankai. I need to be able to protect the division. They are depending on me, and I won't fail them.
She sighed, and went back to manifesting her zanpakuto spirit; maybe if she kept trying, she would be able to get something more than cryptic sayings.
Ukitake stood on the edge of the training field for the 8th division, and watched Nanao work with them on advanced kido. He hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and what he saw now worried him. She had always been slender, but now she looked like skin and bones. Her once glossy hair was dull, and she was pale. She looked up as one of her division members told her that he was here, and came over to talk to him.
Up close, she looked even worse. Her eyes were dull, and she had large dark smudges under them, indicating she had not been getting enough sleep. He had suspected that she wasn't taking Shunsui's death well, and now he had proof.
"Nanao-san, are you all right?" Ukitake could have bitten his tongue at the rudeness of the question.
"I'm fine Ukitake-taicho. Is there something I can help you with?" She even sounded exhausted, hearing that, his worry increased.
"I just came from a captains meeting, and would like to discuss one of the topics with you. It concerns the 8th, and you should know what was decided."
He saw a flicker of some unknown emotion in her eyes, before she shut down again. He heaved a mental sigh. She hadn't talked to any of her friends about Shunsui; he had checked; and he was worried. It wasn't healthy to keep all the emotion he knew he was feeling bottled up inside. He knew what she was feeling because he was feeling it as well. The difference was that he had spent several hours crying in the privacy of his quarters. All that flashed through his mind in the seconds it took for her to respond to his statement.
"Of course, Ukitake-taicho. Just let me pass on the training to the 3rd seat."
She turned to get the attention of her third seat, when one of the squad members lost control of the kido spell he had been attempting. Instantly, and without a word, Nanao's reiatsu reached out to smother the spell, and surrounded the squad member, so he wouldn't loose control again. Ukitake was impressed. It took great control to cast kido without the incantation, and even more to control it without speaking at all. He knew Nanao was a kido adept, but it looked like her skills had improved since he had seen her in action. He was about to commend her on her quick thinking, when her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed to the ground in a heap. It happened so suddenly, no one had been fast enough to catch her. The 3rd seat joined Ukitake kneeling at her side, checking on her. She was covered in a fine sheen of sweat, pale, and her breathing was rapid and shallow. Her heartbeat was a little slow, but it was steady.
Feeling the pulse beating under his fingers, Ukitake breathed a sigh of relief. He did send a glare in the direction of the third seat though. The man should have been stepping up and taking some of the stress off of Nanao, giving her time to do the urgent things. The luckless third seat grimaced, correctly interpreting the look he was getting.
"She won't let me do much of the paperwork, but she has let me take over some of the minor administration details. I bring her lunch every day as well, but I don't think she eats much of it. I've tried to lighten her workload, but she insists on doing most of the Vice-Captain's work, in addition to the Captain's work. I try to get her to take breaks, and she informs me that she's fine, and I should see to myself. I told her I could run the division drills on my own, and she said that I was capable of small squad instruction, but she was needed for full drills. I can't give her orders, she's my superior, and she ignores my suggestions that she might be overdoing it, that she can't do two jobs all by herself. I did tell the officers that they should bring any problems that may arise to me, not to her, but that only eases the load a little, and I think she'd be really mad if she found out. It's like she won't let anything change, even though everything has."
Ukitake nodded. He wasn't happy, but at least he knew the man had tried. He had encountered Nanao in her stubborn mode, and knew the man was doing his best.
Nanao was one of his dearest friends, but sometimes she could try even his patience. There was no arguing with her when her sense of duty was involved. The only person he knew to have ever won such an argument with her was Shunsui.
The entire discussion had only taken long enough for Ukitake to gather Nanao in his arms, and take the first steps to the 4th. He was shocked at how light she felt. She seemed to weigh almost nothing; she must have lost more weight than he thought. He frowned; something else was wrong. Nanao was shaking, had been since he first knelt to feel for a pulse, he realized. He panicked for a moment, then calmed. She was shaking, not convulsing, it was more like she was shivering. He frowned again. The day was a bit cool, but not enough to be really cold. Nanao's skin however, despite, or maybe because of, being covered in sweat, was cool to the touch. He briefly contemplated stopping long enough to wrap his Captain's haori around her, but decided it would be better to go directly to 4th. He also suspected Captain Unohana would not be pleased with her newest patient. He just hoped it was nothing serious.
Nanao woke up slowly in 4th. That confused her for several reasons, the main being she didn't remember visiting 4th, much less falling asleep there. When she sat up in her bed, she was struck by a feeling of complete and utter exhaustion, causing her to collapse against the wall.
Her movement drew the attention of the other person in the room to her.
Matsumoto was sitting in a chair beside her bed. Nanao braced herself for one of her friend's suffocating hugs, but Matsumoto hardly moved. It was then that Nanao noticed that the other woman had tear tracks running down her cheeks.
"Matsumoto? What's wrong? What happened?"
Her friend just gave her a look that mixed sorrow with anger.
"I don't believe you Nanao. You're supposed to be an intelligent woman, but you're acting like the dumbest person I've ever met. Why do you think I'm crying? Oh, no reason. I just had one of my best friends die, and my best friend pull away from everyone when she needs us, and I need her, and then she does her best to self-destruct, while ignoring any and all offers of help or support. Why am I crying? Nanao, use that brain of yours and figure it out."
Nanao could only sit and blink at her friend. She had never heard Matsumoto speak quite like that before.
"What are you talking about? I haven't pulled away from anyone, I've just been busy. And what do you mean that I've done my best to self-destruct? All I've done is keep my division from falling apart, and trained them, since we are still in the middle of a war. I have to make sure that my people are ready for battle."
"Those are just excuses Nanao. You've always been busy, but you still managed to find time for your friends, even if it was just a few minutes. No one outside the 8th has seen you for weeks. Your Division wouldn't have fallen apart if you had kept to a normal schedule, and delegated some of the tasks you are doing. You don't have to do it all on your own. Nanao, Unohana-taicho was not happy with you. She said you are too thin, your electrolytes are all out of balance, and your reiatsu is almost completely depleted. You know how dangerous that can be. I bet you still have nightmares, making it hard to sleep. Nanao, you can't do this on your own. You need to lean on your friends to get through some things, especially something like this. You have to let yourself grieve for Kyouraku-taicho."
Nanao could feel the emotional barrier keeping unwanted feelings at bay start to crack at Matsumoto's words, and it scared her. She wasn't ready to deal with those emotions. She didn't know if she would ever be ready to deal with them. How could she? She had had a hard enough time dealing with the emotions surrounding her captain when he was alive. Now he was dead, and he was still making her life difficult. Her friend read the fear in her eyes.
"Nanao, no-one is going to think less of you if you let yourself grieve. They're all worried about you because you haven't cried. You can't be strong all the time, I know that, your division knows that, it seems that the only one who doesn't know it is you."
"I... I can't. Please, just let it go and leave me alone."
Matsumoto could only stare at her friend in astonishment. Nanao sounded like she was pleading, and Matsumoto had never heard her beg for anything. That didn't change anything though. Nanao needed to cry, or she would land herself back in 4th again, and Matsumoto wasn't about to let her do that.
"Why not? I don't think I've ever heard you day you can't do something. Why now? I can't understand why you can't. What's wrong Nanao?"
Her voice rose until she was shouting at her friend.
"I can't because I don't know who I lost. My captain? Yes. My friend? Yes. More then a friend? I don't know. How can I let him go if I don't know what I felt for him before he died? I don't know if I missed my chance at love, or if I just feel like this because he's gone, and won't be bothering me with his 'Nanao-chan's' anymore. Tell me Rangiku, how am I supposed to mourn if I don't know if I'm mourning for a friend or a love?"
Anger fuelled Nanao's strength enough that she leaned forward toward Matsumoto during her tirade. Her voice also rose until she was shouting back, but underneath Matsumoto could hear pain, loss, regret and fear. Nanao's strange behaviour started to make a little more sense to her now, and she had just started to reply when Captain Unohana appeared.
"Matsumoto-fukutaicho, I believe I said you could stay as long as you would not cause any trouble. Ise-fukutaicho, you should be resting, not arguing with others. Please lay down, you still need to replenish your reiatsu, as well as your energy stores."
She reached out to guide Nanao down as required, as the anger fuelling Nanao ran out, leaving her lim as she fell into Unohana's hands.
Nanao could feel herself starting to fall asleep, and she let herself sink into the darkness. Hopefully when she woke, she would be able to reinforce the emotional barrier.
Ukitake Jyuushiro stood in the doorway to Nanao's room and watched his friend. She had her knees hugged to her chest, and was resting her forehead on her knees. He had never seen her look so broken. It looked like she was trying to hide from the world by escaping its notice. He was slightly shocked at how small she looked. He had always known that Nanao was a small woman, but the sheer force of her personality and the fact that she could make Shunsui cower in fear had made her seem much larger. It didn't help that she had recently lost so much weight. It made her look even smaller and quite fragile. Seeing her like this aroused all his protective instincts. He knew Nanao could take care of herself in most cases, but it was clear that she needed help with this. His mind went back to the conversation he had had with Matsumoto, and he winced. He didn't envy Nanao her confused emotions. He was having a hard enough time realizing his oldest friend was dead; he didn't even want to think about how adding a potential love would make him feel.
It did explain some of her behaviour over the last few weeks however. Nanao had spent years not dealing with the emotions she was feeling about Shunsui when he was alive, so it only made sense that she would want to avoid dealing with them now. What it didn't do was explain why she was avoiding everyone, or refusing to let anyone help her with the division. He didn't know if the news he was about to tell her would help, or if it would push her over some edge she was teetering on. The way she was acting, either was as likely as the other. He braced himself, and knocked. Nanao looked up as he did, and his knees tried to buckle as her eyes met his. He had always thought that her eyes were the most expressive part of her. Just then they were filled with more emotions than he could name. He could read devastation, confusion, anger, and something that looked like fear. It was the last emotion that confused him. Anger, confusion and devastation could be understood, but fear? What could she be afraid of? He would just have to break through to her and get her to explain to him.
"Nanao-san? How are you feeling? Unohana-san said you were probably awake, and could have visitors if you felt up to it. May I come in?"
She didn't say anything, but he took her silence as assent, and went to sit in the chair that was beside her bed. He was glad that she had lowered her eyes again, letting him regain his mental balance. Closer to her, he noticed that she had tears running down her face. His spirits rose to see that. Maybe her conversation with Matsumoto had had an affect on her.
"Nanao-san, I would like to continue the conversation we were about to have on the training ground, if you feel up to it. Like I mentioned, some decisions have been made that you need to know about, and need your approval. What you really need to know about the meeting is that a decision has been made about the leadership of the 8th Division."
At those words, she tensed, but didn't look up. Ukitake mentally sighed. He wished there was an easier way to tell her this, but there wasn't, so he just said what needed to be said.
"They have decided that you, Nanao, should be the new captain. They have left the choice of your Vice-Captain up to you. They want you to take up command of the 8th immediately."
Her head snapped up and her eyes met his again at his words.
"No, I can't. I can't be captain. Please, don't make me do this."
Her voice was so soft that he had to strain to hear her. Ukitake just looked at her in surprise. That was the last thing he had expected her to say.
"Nanao, you are the best choice. All of the captains voted in favour of you becoming captain. It isn't very often that you have all the captains agreeing on anything, much less appointing a new captain. Apart from that, you have been doing the majority of the work running the division for years now, don't try to say you haven't. Shunsui was many things, but dedicated to details was not one of them."
Nanao actually flinched at the name, before speaking again.
"Please. I can't be the captain. Yes, I did most of the paperwork, but we both know that there's more to being a captain than paperwork. I haven't achieved bankai yet, what kind of captain would I be?"
"Nanao, with respect, none of that matters. Yes, there is more to captaincy then paperwork, but we both know you're capable of it. As for bankai, no, you haven't achieved it yet, but everyone knows how hard you're working, and most captains believe you're very close. Aside from that, you do have shikai, as well as being a powerful kido adept. Nanao, they are going to assign someone to the 8th as captain. It's better for everyone, including you, if that person is you. Now quit stalling and tell me your real reason for not wanting this."
His tone was a little harsh, but he didn't care. He wasn't about to let his friend sink into depression. He firmly believed that this was the best for her, and he was baffled as to why she was resisting. He would have thought that she would want to keep things in her division as normal as possible, and that meant as little change in the command structure as possible. He gently reached out, and tilted her head so he could look into her eyes. They were still full of tears.
"Nanao, please tell me what you're thinking. Tell me why you don't want to be the captain. The real reason, not excuses."
The tears in her eyes overflowed, and ran down her cheeks.
"If anyone becomes captain, it means that he's not coming back. My head knows that he isn't, but every single time I walk into the office, I expect to see him there. It hurts every time I enter, because he isn't there. Before this, it was a rare day I didn't see him. Even days that we weren't working, he managed to find a way to see me. I know I haven't known him as long as you have, but I have seen him almost every day for almost my whole life. He was one of the foundations of my existence. I know things about him that you probably don't. I know it's not what you mean, but it feels like you are trying to replace him. Even if I don't know what he was to me, I do know he is irreplaceable."
Her breath hitched, and the tears started running faster. Ukitake smiled sadly.
"Nanao, no-one is expecting anyone to replace Shunsui. I don't think that anyone would be able to even come close. I can't tell you how you felt about him, but I can tell you how he felt about you. He loved you Nanao. His way of showing you certainly left something to be desired, but his emotions were real. He also knew you were uncertain, so he didn't push you. He was willing to wait as long as it took to win you over."
Those words completely shattered any detachment Nanao had left. She started to cry in earnest, sobs wracking her small frame. She dropped all her barriers, and just let all her grief start to flow out. Ukitake's heart broke at the sight, and he moved to the bed and gathered her up in a hug; much like a parent comforting a child. She tensed, but then relaxed into him arms, crying even harder. She reached out to him, and wrapped her arms around him in a hug he thought would squeeze the air out of him. She clung to him, sobbing for what seemed an eternity. She cried for so long, he was starting to grow concerned.
"Nanao, you have to stop. There is only so much you can take before you start to hurt yourself."
"I, I don't think I can." Her breath hitched, and she continued, "This is why I didn't want to cry."
Ukitake considered. Her face was red, her eyes were red and swollen, her breathing was ragged and hitching, and she still had tears running down her face.
"I'm going to find Unohana-taicho. She should be able to give you something to calm you down."
A look of panic crossed Nanao's face at that.
"Please, don't go. I don't want to be alone right now."
"I have to. I'll be right back, I promise."
He tried to stand up, but Nanao hadn't released him.
"Nanao, I have go."
"Promise you'll come back. It's silly, but I need to know that you're coming back."
He looked into her eyes, and said, "I promise to come back. I should only be gone for a minute."
She nodded, and released him. She hugged her knees to herself again, and tried to convince herself that he'd be back. Once again her head and heart were at odds with each other. She knew nothing would happen, and he would be back, but she was afraid he wouldn't be. There were still tears running down her face, and she couldn't help the sobbing breaths that kept coming.
True to his word, Ukitake was only gone for a moment, returning quickly with Unohana following behind him. The woman looked at Nanao and nodded.
"Nanao-san, I am going to give you a mild sedative. It should help you calm down, and get some rest. When you wake up, hopefully you will be able to stay calm."
Nanao nodded, and Unohana gave her the sedative, and she started to feel a little sleepy right away. Unohana smiled and left. Ukitake went to follow her, but Nanao's whisper stopped him.
"Stay. Please. Don't leave me alone. I don't think I can handle that right now."
Ukitake felt like his heart would never be whole again, as he gave her a small sad smile and nodded. He knew that she would still have good and bad days, but now that she had started the process, the good days would soon start to out number the bad.
Feeling a little strange at the role reversal, he fell asleep in the chair beside her bed.
Captain-Commander Yamamoto strode down the halls of the 8th Division, intent on meeting with Captain Ise. She had officially taken charge of the division a few months ago, and he wanted to ensure the smooth running of her division. Hence his unannounced visit. He wasn't concerned that reports might be slanted to make her look good, but he did want to see her in action, so to speak.
He was a little surprised at how she had chosen to run her division. It was a well-known fact that she had been annoyed at how laid back (some might say lazily) Kyouraku had approached leadership. Knowing that, and knowing that her work ethic seemed to be like Kuchiki Byakuya and Hitsugaya Toshiro, he had expected her to rigorously enforce that work ethic on her division. She had surprised him however; she had insisted on more regular drills, but as long as everybody got his or her work done on time, she didn't care when it got done. That meant that the reputation that the 8th had as a hard partying division hadn't diminished at all. He entered the offices, and the new vice-captain leapt to attention.
"Yamamoto-soutaicho! What can I do for you sir?"
"I would like to speak to Ise-taicho. Is she available?"
The vice-captain looked a little scared. "Sir, she isn't here right now. Would you like me to send her a message that you would like to see her?"
"No, that's fine. Do you know when she will be back, or where she went?"
"No, sir. She said that she was going out, and would be back sometime later, but she didn't say when, or where she was going."
The slightly annoyed Captain-Commander bid the vice-captain farewell, and continued on. This was one of the new developments since Ise had been appointed captain. She had much less work to do, because she only had the captain's paperwork to do, not the captains and vice-captains. That translated into more free time, and she shocked everyone who knew her by actually leaving the office sometimes during the middle of the day. Thinking about it, he thought he knew where he could find her if he needed to. He had noticed how close she and Ukitake had become since Shunsui's death. He supposed that it was good that they were helping each other, and that Ise had found a very capable mentor, but he wasn't sure he liked how close they were becoming. The 8th and 13th divisions had always had a different relationship than any of his other divisions, yet that had also changed. Previously it had been the relationship of two divisions whose captains were the greatest of friends. Now the captains were still friends, but he could see the start of something more between them. He didn't think anyone else saw it, not even those involved, but he hadn't spent millennia watching people for nothing. He was a little worried about how close the two of them were getting. Not for the reasons that most would think: relationships between his ranking officers didn't bother him. Rather, he was starting to feel like he had 12 1/2 divisions, not 13. Ukitake still had no Vice-Captain, so when he was ill, Ise had started to step in to ensure the smooth running of his division. Call him old fashioned, but he had commanded the Thirteen Court Guard Squads for millennia, and he wasn't about to change the name to the Twelve (and a half) Court Guard Squads. He would just have to find a solution to the problem. The best one was to force Ukitake to appoint a Vice-Captain, but he wasn't going to have any luck there, at least not until Captain Kuchiki relented and allowed his sister to be appointed as a seated officer. He sighed, and went back to his own division. He couldn't tell Ukitake and Ise not to consort with each other; he would just have to see what developed over time. He would just have to deal with whatever it was.
Ukitake sipped his tea and looked at the woman beside him. She looked a little strange, yet undeniably right in the white haori she wore. He was glad that she had decided to accept it, but he wished (as did she) that there had been a different reason for her wearing it.
It was strange. In some ways, nothing had changed, and yet everything had.
He still had long afternoon talks with the captain of the 8th, but they tended to be about literature instead of pretty girls. He still drank tea during these talks, but his guest joined him instead of drinking sake. It was also nice to know that he didn't have to worry about the poor Vice-Captain being buried under mountains of paperwork.
There were days that either he or Nanao still had bad days, and those days ended with one of them clinging to the other, crying and needing comfort. They were getting more infrequent as time went by, but that didn't mean that they were forgetting their friend.
Nanao had shocked everyone by breaking uniform code to wear a pink obi. It had been suggested that she wear a pink haori instead, but she had said that only Shunsui was able to carry off that much pink. She wasn't trying to be him, just remember him.
When she had been asked about her decisions about the paperwork, she had replied that just because she was good at doing it didn't mean that she liked doing it. She was just as happy to have less to do, thank you very much. She also said that just because she had never left the office during the day before, didn't mean that she was totally opposed to it. She had just never had time before. Ukitake was starting to realize that the Nanao that everyone knew wasn't the entire Nanao. She had been forced into that mould by circumstances, not nature. She really was very organized, and efficient, but when dealing with people with actual work ethics, was not a strict taskmaster. He thought that he liked this new Nanao better then the old. She was much more relaxed, and willing to listen to others, probably because she wasn't the only mature person in her division. Ukitake sometimes thought about what would have happened if Shunsui had seen this part of his Nanao-chan. He probably would have been successful in winning her over. On the other hand, since the only way he would have seen this side of 'his' Nanao-chan was to actually work, the likelihood of that happening was astronomically low. Ukitake cut that line of thinking off. Whenever he started thinking that, he tried to stop, as thinking about the way the future could have been hurt too much. He and Nanao had to think of the future, an what ever that might bring. He looked at her again, and saw her face had the look of one deep in thought.
"What are you thinking about?"
He could tell the question caught her off guard, as her eyes snapped to him, from wherever or whatever she had been looking at.
"I'm wondering what he would think about what's happened. If he would approve or be angry."
It was easy to figure out who 'he' was; Shunsui was the only person either of them talked about without using his name.
"I believe he would approve. I already told you that he loved you, and the only thing in the world that he wanted for you was to be happy. "
She shifted a bit at that, and he smiled gently at her, and went on.
"You are happy. Don't try do deny it. Being a captain suits you, and you are extremely good at it. I don't deny that you would rather have him here to see you succeed as well as you have, but you are happy."
She gave him one of her looks, and said, "How did you ever get to know me that well? You're right. I am happy. I do wish he was here, but even that is starting to get easier. I guess all we can do now is look to the future, while holding on to our memories."
As she said that, her hand reached out and grasped his. Neither of them said a word, but they sat in silence, watching the sun go down, waiting for that future to arrive.