The Most Terrible Thing That Ever Happened Again

'Sanji's Demise'

(One Piece, #1)

Shortly after getting to Mermaid Isle, and just as the whole crew re-reconsolidated, Sanji saw a grotto where 30 Mermaids and Merwomen were frolicking in the sea, completely nude.

After fighting against the impulse to spray blood through his nose, Sanji finally drove his body too far.

All the blood that would normally have gone to and out his nose went lower, and as the redirected hemoglobin went straight to his penis, it instantly swelled beyond control, and popped right off his body like a bottle rocket.

His man-pedo flew straight into Usopp's left eye, blinding him permanently on that side, and as Usopp began to scream in pain and disgust, he dropped the explosive pellets he was currently working on to the deck of the ship. They rolled under Captain Luffy's feet, and blew him into the sea. Unfortunately, he was yelling at Sanji for making a mess and being loud, and landed in the water mid-inhalation. In addition, the pellets raised a pall of tear gas and giant man-eating plants all over the ship, so nobody saw it happen. Anyways, everyone was distracted by Sanji's explosive de-penis-ation, by the sudden attacks from ravenous vegetation, and Usopp's surprise money shot.

So, Luffy drowned, Usopp became right-eye dominant, and Sanji was a Ken doll. But Sanji couldn't live with a man-gina, so he borrowed one of Zoro's swords to commit Seppuku after the former bounty hunter finished trimming the hedges.

Thus ended the saga of the Straw Hats. Eventually, Railey took over the ship, and they became the Silver Mane pirates.

Usopp recovered from his trauma, and went on to make a name for himself as a good sniper, despite the lack of depth perception, and an even more outstanding weapons crafter.

Nami eventually married Usopp, much to everyone's surprise, especially Usopp's. But seeing as how he had always somehow been less taken in by her mind-games (and boobs) than anyone else, maybe it was inevitable. They eventually had twin daughters that had his natural mechanical skills, and her looks and brains, thankfully. Everyone agreed that if it had been the other way around, they would have been truly screwed.

Zoro continued on as the Sunny's First Mate. Perona eventually joined the crew after being booted off Mihawk's island for trying to get him to admit to being her father. She eventually had her way with Zoro over and over again during his many, many naps. He never seemed to figure out why he was in such a good mood when he woke up.

Robin continued to read her book and smile to herself. Especially after seeing Sanji's crotch explode. When Chopper got older, she started making him refer to her as Mrs. Robinson, and nobody got it. Except maybe Chopper.

Railey made Frankie WEAR SOME FUCKING MAN-PANTS! AT LEAST PUT ON SOME SWIM TRUNKS, FRANKIE, YOU STUPID COLA-GUZZLING POMPADOUR-HEADED FUCK-FACED IDIOT!

Brooke went on to play music about changing the world. He was the biggest musical act in the world. He acquired a time-and-space-traveling phone booth. George Carlin bore witness. It was most excellent.

Blackbeard found One Piece, and used his power to absorb it and his own crew. Then he went into a coma that lasted 1,000 years. When he emerged from his chrysalis of shadow, he was transformed into the Dark Lord Aku, and was set upon by three gods of light. Eventually, he would go on to feud with a descendant of Zoro's.

But that is a story for another day...

Cue the "Conan" end-theme.

The End. Deal with it.