*IMPORTANT NOTICE*
Before you read this, realize this isn't my normal, happy, goofy, joyful writing style. This is a very serious, possibly triggering story. Warning, Includes: PTSD, severe anxiety, severe depression, self-inflicting injuries, loss of hope, loss of desire to live, and suicide. As I said, not my normal writing. Be sure to read the ending too.
Days have gone by, maybe even months. I've lost track. Time just seems to stand still. Watching the clock, the hands seem to slow with every tick, every movement. Nothing changes, no one notices anything. No one does anything about it. It's just normal to them.
Anytime the others leave me alone, his voice haunts my mind. His voice. Rough. Harsh. Telling me to let go. To give up. To end the suffering. He made me believe I was worthless. He made me think it's pointless. He caused me to lose hope. In the future. In the world. In my friends. In my family. In myself.
I haven't been able to sleep. He haunts my dreams. Every night, his face would appear. The others would turn away. They never seemed to care. Never noticed the pain. The struggle. The misery. They never understood. They never will understand.
They can't know.
I look up as a soft knock hits the door. I don't move as it pulls open. I don't react as a familiar face peers inside.
"Foods ready."
I nod, not even realizing it. He leaves, not saying anything else. It's become normal. They tell me if there is a meal ready. They don't wait for me anymore. They won't check to see if I've eaten. They don't ask me why.
They don't care.
I slowly push myself to the edge of my bed. My feet hit the cold, hardwood floor, being awoken from the warmth of the covers. I move through the motions, unaware as I shuffle to the window. I gaze out the glass pane. The horizon is lit with shades of blues, pinks and purples as the sun sinks from sight. I knew hours later, it would rise again, just like I would.
With no true purpose in the world besides serving others.
A breath escapes my mouth, creating condensation on the window. I look at it, thinking of the young child who would draw smiley-faces on the glass. The child who grew up. The child who now knows how dark and cruel the world can be.
I push away from the window, moving towards the bathroom. I push open the door. My hand runs up the wall next to the doorframe, flicking a switch. The room becomes illuminated. I stop, resting my hands on the counter. A man stares back at me. The man I never wanted to be.
I was happy. I was able to laugh and smile. I would crack jokes, make others laugh. It gave me a purpose, a sense of joy.
You wouldn't be able to see that in this man.
A dull gaze with no happiness, no joy, just pain. His hair matted, unkempt, filthy, and uncared for. His skin pale, dried and cracked.
He'd given up.
I've given up.
I looked down as my hand pulled open a drawer.
Hesitation. Why was there always hesitation? I've been doing this for a couple nights.
Is it because I know I shouldn't be? Because I could ask for help? Because there are better options?
Because your weak.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. My hand wrapped around the dull edge, setting it on the counter. I rolled up my sleeves, revealing the marks littering my forearms. I reached for the blade. I brought it to my arm, running it across it. Once. Twice. Three times. It didn't sting, didn't hurt. It felt relieved the pain insides.
"JAY!"
Panic engulfed me at the voice. The blade slipped deeper before clattering to the floor. My heart pounded in my chest.
How could you be so idiotic? You didn't pay attention. You let him just walk in to find you like this? Only a moron makes that mistake.
"Zane!"
He's calling for the others. They're going to think I'm weak. They're going to sympathize for my. They're going to pity me.
I can't take it.
Just leave me alone.
I looked away, unable to take the look of pity, of worry.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I bit my lip, an iron taste filling my mouth. I felt two hands on my shoulders, causing me to flinch.
"Jay, you need to breathe with me. Deep breaths, in and out."
"What's going on?"
"He's having a panic attack. Get Sensei. Hurry!"
I was losing focus, everything was becoming blurry. My head started spinning, the voices all mixing together. Then it all went dark.
I heard my name being called from Jay's room. I didn't know who was summoning me, but they sounded scared. I sprung up from the couch where Lloyd and Kai were playing games. I listen as the system goes silent while I run from the room. I pushed open Jay's door, looking around. Light flooded in from the bathroom, so I moved over there. The sight was horrifying.
Cole set a razorblade on the counter that was covered in blood. I turned to me as I pushed past him to the other in the room.
Jay had marks down his forearms, self-inflicted ones. From the pale skin to the dull gaze, I could tell he was ill. But right now, I needed to calm him down before he passed out from hyperventilating.
I placed my hands on his shoulders to get his attention and to provide comfort.
"Jay, you need to breathe with me. Deep breaths, in and out."
He was panicking, and it was only getting worse.
"What's going on?"
Cole. He's still here.
"He's having a panic attack. Get Sensei. Hurry!"
Cole nodded, running out of the room. I turned back to Jay.
"Jay-"
He collapsed in my arms. Unconscious. I carefully brought him to the floor, checking his breathing and heart rate. His breathing was returning to normal and his heart rate was slowing. I sighed in relief.
I looked up as Sensei ran in with Cole close behind. Sensei looked horrified.
"He seemed to have had a panic attack among other issues," I explained.
"Let's get him to the infirmary to rest," Sensei told me. "We'll assess him there once he awakes."
I nodded. I carefully lifted his limp body into my arms, following Sensei. Cole held open the bathroom door, allowing me out before following. We walked out of his bedroom. I heard the shocked gasps of the others in the hallway. I walked down the hallway, following Sensei. He pulled open the door to the infirmary, allowing me inside. I set the sleeping form on a cot, brushing his hair from his eyes.
How had we been so blind to this? How did we not notice the signs? How could we just leave him in this condition?
"Zane."
I looked up, seeing Sensei looking at me.
"Go be with the others," he told me. "I'll alert you when he awakes."
I nodded. I turned, walking out the open door. I glanced back in, seeing Sensei sitting next to the cot. I slowly closed the door. We failed him. I just hope we can save him.
"Zane?"
I looked up as the door clicked shut.
The others stood in front of me. Cole, Kai, Lloyd and Nya. They all looked worried.
"What happened?"
I looked between each of them, seeing the looks of fear, of worry, of pain, and of guilt in their eyes. I closed my eyes, looking down.
"Were those marks from himself?"
I looked up, seeing the others all turned to Nya.
"Did he hurt himself?" she asked softly.
I nodded, looking down.
"How did we not realize this?" Cole said, not expecting an answer.
"Everyone hasn't been themselves," Lloyd spoke up. "The last battle look a toll on all of us. We've just brushed it off when we shouldn't have."
Silence. No one knew what to say anymore.
We'd messed up. We all felt guilty.
"It's late," I told them. "We should try to sleep."
The others all nodded. I slowly followed behind them. I watched each of them go into their own rooms. I stopped outside my own, hesitating as I reached for the handle.
I knew I wasn't going to sleep. I knew there was no point. I couldn't sleep without knowing if Jay would be alright.
I turned away, walking towards the kitchen. I walked in, finding the dishes in the drying rack. I started unloading them, setting them away in the cupboards as quietly as I could.
As I closed the cupboard, finishing the chores, my eyes landed on a photo. All of us, before the incident. Before he became scarred. Before he was taken from us. Before he was broken. Damaged.
"Zane?"
I turned around, seeing Nya in the doorway. I noticed a faint pink and puffiness to her eyes.
"Can't sleep?" I asked her softly.
She shook her head. I motioned to the table, turning to put on a pot of coffee.
It was going to be a long night.
I heard the chair moved as I rummaged through the cupboards. Then sniffles. I frowned, turning to see Nya shaking with her head in her arms. I walked over, taking a seat beside her.
"You can talk to me, you know."
She looked up, wiping her eyes. She stared at me for a moment, then exhaled.
"I can't help but feel at fault for this."
"It's no one's fa-"
She looked away, staring off.
"But I was there. I know what he went through. I watched him struggle, I watched him suffer, I saw his pain, the misery he went through. I thought that since it was all over, and that he was gone, everything was back to normal. I didn't think Jay was still suffering."
She turned back to me.
"We were all hurting from that. He manipulated us, used us, hurt us. We all are hurting, still trying to come to grips with everything. I never realized he was hurting more."
Then it all linked together. He was distant from them, avoiding them in a way. He didn't want to talk with them. He wasn't eating. He was dehydrated. He wasn't sleeping. He seemed to be hopeless. He seemed terrified of anyone and anything. All of this happening after the incident.
I realized what was happening.
As I shifted to get up, Sensei appeared.
"He'd awake."
Nya jumped up, following us. She wanted to be there for him now. She wanted to make up for the mistake. But there was one problem.
Sensei left him alone.
Nothing was keeping him in there.
So we get there, and guess what.
He's gone.
"Where'd he go?"
"We need to find him. Fast." Sensei called.
In moments, everyone was up and searching. We checked every room, every closet, every nook and cranny in the Temple. Nothing. He was gone. Just like he…..
The door outside. My eyes widened as I noticed it was cracked open. My stomach twisted as I ran for the door. I pulled it open, seeing him on the edge.
"No!"
Then he was gone. I didn't stop, my legs carrying me towards the edge. I jumped off, allowing my elements to summon my dragon. I focused on reaching him. I had to save him. I had to get him. Before-
Thud.
I was too late.
My dragon despawned as I landed. My legs gave out, falling beside him. Tears filled my eyes as red covered the sand. I choked on my breath as someone else's dragon landed next to us. I looked up, seeing Sensei kneeling beside me.
A hand reached out, checking for a pulse.
"Is he?"
I bit my lip as Sensei lifted him up. I slowly climbed to my feet. Everything seemed to slow around me.
All I could remember was with him. He was our teammate. Our brother.
And we just let this happen.
Sensei helped me onto his dragon and we flew up to the Temple. I saw the others waiting anxiously. As we landed, their faces fell at the realization. Nya collapsed into her brothers arms, sobbing. Cole fell to his knees, his face buried in his hands. Lloyd just stared in shock.
Sensei walked inside, leaving us alone.
He was our light in the darkness, our hope in the moments of despair. He made us smile when we were sad, laugh when we wanted to cry. He made us all feel wanted.
But we didn't see his cries for help. We didn't support him when he needed us most.
We failed him.
Days have gone by, maybe even months. I've lost track. Time just seems to stand still. Watching the clock, the hands seem to slow with every tick, every movement. Nothing changes, no one notices anything. No one does anything about it. It's just normal to them.
Anytime the others leave me alone, his voice haunts my mind. His voice. Rough. Harsh. Telling me to let go. To give up. To end the suffering. He made me believe I was worthless. He made me think it's pointless. He caused me to lose hope. In the future. In the world. In my friends. In my family. In myself.
I haven't been able to sleep. He haunts my dreams. Every night, his face would appear. The others would turn away. They never seemed to care. Never noticed the pain. The struggle. The misery. They never understood. They never will understand.
They can't know.
I look up as a soft knock hits the door. I don't move as it pulls open. I don't react as a familiar face peers inside.
"Foods ready."
I nod, not even realizing it. He leaves, not saying anything else. It's become normal. They tell me if there is a meal ready. They don't wait for me anymore. They won't check to see if I've eaten. They don't ask me why.
They don't care.
I slowly push myself to the edge of my bed. My feet hit the cold, hardwood floor, being awoken from the warmth of the covers. I move through the motions, unaware as I shuffle to the window. I gaze out the glass pane. The horizon is lit with shades of blues, pinks and purples as the sun sinks from sight. I knew hours later, it would rise again, just like I would.
With no true purpose in the world besides serving others.
A breath escapes my mouth, creating condensation on the window. I look at it, thinking of the young child who would draw smiley-faces on the glass. The child who grew up. The child who now knows how dark and cruel the world can be.
I push away from the window, moving towards the bathroom. I push open the door. My hand runs up the wall next to the doorframe, flicking a switch. The room becomes illuminated. I stop, resting my hands on the counter. A man stares back at me. The man I never wanted to be.
I was happy. I was able to laugh and smile. I would crack jokes, make others laugh. It gave me a purpose, a sense of joy.
You wouldn't be able to see that in this man.
A dull gaze with no happiness, no joy, just pain. His hair matted, unkempt, filthy, and uncared for. His skin pale, dried and cracked.
He'd given up.
I've given up.
I looked down as my hand pulled open a drawer.
Hesitation. Why was there always hesitation? I've been doing this for a couple nights.
Is it because I know I shouldn't be? Because I could ask for help? Because there are better options?
Because your weak.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. My hand wrapped around the dull edge, setting it on the counter. I rolled up my sleeves, revealing the marks littering my forearms. I reached for the blade. I brought it to my arm, running it across it. Once. Twice. Three times. It didn't sting, didn't hurt. It felt relieved the pain insides.
"JAY!"
Panic engulfed me at the voice. The blade slipped deeper before clattering to the floor. My heart pounded in my chest.
How could you be so idiotic? You didn't pay attention. You let him just walk in to find you like this? Only a moron makes that mistake.
"Zane!"
He's calling for the others. They're going to think I'm weak. They're going to sympathize for my. They're going to pity me.
I can't take it.
Just leave me alone.
I looked away, unable to take the look of pity, of worry.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I bit my lip, an iron taste filling my mouth. I felt two hands on my shoulders, causing me to flinch.
"Jay, you need to breathe with me. Deep breaths, in and out."
"What's going on?"
"He's having a panic attack. Get Sensei. Hurry!"
I was losing focus, everything was becoming blurry. My head started spinning, the voices all mixing together. Then it all went dark.
I heard my name being called from Jay's room. I didn't know who was summoning me, but they sounded scared. I sprung up from the couch where Lloyd and Kai were playing games. I listen as the system goes silent while I run from the room. I pushed open Jay's door, looking around. Light flooded in from the bathroom, so I moved over there. The sight was horrifying.
Cole set a razorblade on the counter that was covered in blood. I turned to me as I pushed past him to the other in the room.
Jay had marks down his forearms, self-inflicted ones. From the pale skin to the dull gaze, I could tell he was ill. But right now, I needed to calm him down before he passed out from hyperventilating.
I placed my hands on his shoulders to get his attention and to provide comfort.
"Jay, you need to breathe with me. Deep breaths, in and out."
He was panicking, and it was only getting worse.
"What's going on?"
Cole. He's still here.
"He's having a panic attack. Get Sensei. Hurry!"
Cole nodded, running out of the room. I turned back to Jay.
"Jay-"
He collapsed in my arms. Unconscious. I carefully brought him to the floor, checking his breathing and heart rate. His breathing was returning to normal and his heart rate was slowing. I sighed in relief.
I looked up as Sensei ran in with Cole close behind. Sensei looked horrified.
"He seemed to have had a panic attack among other issues," I explained.
"Let's get him to the infirmary to rest," Sensei told me. "We'll assess him there once he awakes."
I nodded. I carefully lifted his limp body into my arms, following Sensei. Cole held open the bathroom door, allowing me out before following. We walked out of his bedroom. I heard the shocked gasps of the others in the hallway. I walked down the hallway, following Sensei. He pulled open the door to the infirmary, allowing me inside. I set the sleeping form on a cot, brushing his hair from his eyes.
How had we been so blind to this? How did we not notice the signs? How could we just leave him in this condition?
"Zane."
I looked up, seeing Sensei looking at me.
"Go be with the others," he told me. "I'll alert you when he awakes."
I nodded. I turned, walking out the open door. I glanced back in, seeing Sensei sitting next to the cot. I slowly closed the door. We failed him. I just hope we can save him.
"Zane?"
I looked up as the door clicked shut.
The others stood in front of me. Cole, Kai, Lloyd and Nya. They all looked worried.
"What happened?"
I looked between each of them, seeing the looks of fear, of worry, of pain, and of guilt in their eyes. I closed my eyes, looking down.
"Were those marks from himself?"
I looked up, seeing the others all turned to Nya.
"Did he hurt himself?" she asked softly.
I nodded, looking down.
"How did we not realize this?" Cole said, not expecting an answer.
"Everyone hasn't been themselves," Lloyd spoke up. "The last battle look a toll on all of us. We've just brushed it off when we shouldn't have."
Silence. No one knew what to say anymore.
We'd messed up. We all felt guilty.
"It's late," I told them. "We should try to sleep."
The others all nodded. I slowly followed behind them. I watched each of them go into their own rooms. I stopped outside my own, hesitating as I reached for the handle.
I knew I wasn't going to sleep. I knew there was no point. I couldn't sleep without knowing if Jay would be alright.
I turned away, walking towards the kitchen. I walked in, finding the dishes in the drying rack. I started unloading them, setting them away in the cupboards as quietly as I could.
As I closed the cupboard, finishing the chores, my eyes landed on a photo. All of us, before the incident. Before he became scarred. Before he was taken from us. Before he was broken. Damaged.
"Zane?"
I turned around, seeing Nya in the doorway. I noticed a faint pink and puffiness to her eyes.
"Can't sleep?" I asked her softly.
She shook her head. I motioned to the table, turning to put on a pot of coffee.
It was going to be a long night.
I heard the chair moved as I rummaged through the cupboards. Then sniffles. I frowned, turning to see Nya shaking with her head in her arms. I walked over, taking a seat beside her.
"You can talk to me, you know."
She looked up, wiping her eyes. She stared at me for a moment, then exhaled.
"I can't help but feel at fault for this."
"It's no one's fa-"
She looked away, staring off.
"But I was there. I know what he went through. I watched him struggle, I watched him suffer, I saw his pain, the misery he went through. I thought that since it was all over, and that he was gone, everything was back to normal. I didn't think Jay was still suffering."
She turned back to me.
"We were all hurting from that. He manipulated us, used us, hurt us. We all are hurting, still trying to come to grips with everything. I never realized he was hurting more."
Then it all linked together. He was distant from them, avoiding them in a way. He didn't want to talk with them. He wasn't eating. He was dehydrated. He wasn't sleeping. He seemed to be hopeless. He seemed terrified of anyone and anything. All of this happening after the incident.
I realized what was happening.
As I shifted to get up, Sensei appeared.
"He'd awake."
Nya jumped up, following us. She wanted to be there for him now. She wanted to make up for the mistake. But there was one problem.
Sensei left him alone.
Nothing was keeping him in there.
So we get there, and guess what.
He's gone.
"Where'd he go?"
"We need to find him. Fast." Sensei called.
In moments, everyone was up and searching. We checked every room, every closet, every nook and cranny in the Temple. Nothing. He was gone. Just like he…..
The door outside. My eyes widened as I noticed it was cracked open. My stomach twisted as I ran for the door. I pulled it open, seeing him on the edge.
"No!"
Then he was gone. I didn't stop, my legs carrying me towards the edge. I jumped off, allowing my elements to summon my dragon. I focused on reaching him. I had to save him. I had to get him. Before-
Thud.
I was too late.
My dragon despawned as I landed. My legs gave out, falling beside him. Tears filled my eyes as red covered the sand. I choked on my breath as someone else's dragon landed next to us. I looked up, seeing Sensei kneeling beside me.
A hand reached out, checking for a pulse.
"Is he?"
I bit my lip as Sensei lifted him up. I slowly climbed to my feet. Everything seemed to slow around me.
All I could remember was with him. He was our teammate. Our brother.
And we just let this happen.
Sensei helped me onto his dragon and we flew up to the Temple. I saw the others waiting anxiously. As we landed, their faces fell at the realization. Nya collapsed into her brothers arms, sobbing. Cole fell to his knees, his face buried in his hands. Lloyd just stared in shock.
Sensei walked inside, leaving us alone.
He was our light in the darkness, our hope in the moments of despair. He made us smile when we were sad, laugh when we wanted to cry. He made us all feel wanted.
But we didn't see his cries for help. We didn't support him when he needed us most.
We failed him.
Author's Notice:
So, there is a reason behind this. As you may have been aware, my updates have been scarce and far inbetween. This is part of the reason. Although I do not struggle from PTSD, I do suffer with symptoms of Bi-Polar Disorder and Anxiety. I have panic attacks frequently for no known reason, I have days where I can't find happiness in anything and times I question my life and my willingness to continue. I will admit that there was one point in my life I considered ending it all, but my friends found out. They seeked help for me, but my parents haven't exactly been the most accepting. They've been in denial over the whole matter, but I've gained support at school. It's help me grow stronger, learn to accept and even cope with these issues. I've grown since then.
But these thoughts never left me completely.
I want everyone to know that you have a purpose here. If you feel anything like this, whether it's feeling unwanted, feeling useless, or even the idea that the only escape is ending your life, don't. It might be difficult, but there are people who can help you. There are others like you, people who are suffering unheard. I was one of them at one point, but I can tell you it will get better. Seek the help you need, no matter how hard it is.
And for those of you who notice anything in friends, in peers, in family members, don't just stand by. Speak up, be a support. Your voice could save their life. PM me if any of you ever need to talk. :)
I love all of you so much, and you are all amazing human beings.
Have a fantastic day,
Sweetheart114