A/N: Another one. :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD Time for some parodic Nejigaa action!
The Amazing Nejigaa Parody Fic
AKA
Gaara Needs Therapy From Neji Who Has Problems Himself So They Should Make Love
Sabaku no Gaara needed therapy for a variety of reasons, number one being that when he went shopping for some nice clothes at Hot Topic, he discovered that the store had been bombed by The Pink Squad, who hated all things black. Gaara, a devoted member of The Black Squad, who hated all things pink, had been horrified, and quickly bombed a Hello Kitty store to heck and back. For it is the job of all Black Squad members (an underground group who's allies with the Goths and Emos, strangely enough, since these two groups hate each other) to fight the pinkness that is overcoming the world. The Pink Squad was created to battle the Black Squad and all things dark and evil. Some say it goes back to Biblical times.
Gaara was then arrested and sent to therapy with Hyuuga Neji, the sexy therapist and who never really helps his patients.
It also didn't help that those other 'variety of reasons' were everything that could possibly cause someone to need therapy. He had been gang raped, abused, abandoned, hated, had multiple personalities, was violent, bi-polar, schizophrenic, psychotic, was a sociopath, gay, prostitute, belonged to a creepy man named Orochimaru, was alcoholic, a gambler, a druggy, had no friends, was a murderer, a bomber, an arsonist, had slaughtered animals, worshiped Satan, kicked puppies, was constantly demeaned, ate babies and drank the blood of virgins.
So, Gaara the Crazy attended therapy, and this was how the first (and only) session went:
"Hey, Gaara, don't you find me sexy?" Asked Neji, posing suggestively on the desk, flipping his hair back with a smirk. Gaara only glared (psychotically).
". . ." Neji, not one to give up, came over and sat next to Gaara to stroke his hair, and commented, "come on, you fifteen-year old sex machine. I may be twenty-two, but my skills are just as good as ever. I'll make you feel amazing."
Gaara finally responded, glaring (psychotically) at Neji. "Aren't you supposed to be trying to help me with my problems, not screw me?" The Hyuuga only shrugged.
"The author has noticed how often I don't do much with you when you're my patient, other than end up in embarrassing situations. Speaking of that . . . in 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . ." Gaara wondered what on earth the man was counting down, who this 'author' was, and if he was really the one who needed therapy.
Just then, Neji's super-big packs of super-big condoms hit the floor, from its perilous perch on the desk edge. The resulting thump shocked both Neji and Gaara into jumping slightly, and their lips met.
Suddenly consumed with the passion only a pedophile can have (really, some of the age differences in Nejigaa fics), Neji began to make out with his patient. Gaara began to respond hesitantly, being incredibly shy for someone who sold sex, when suddenly the door slammed open and Orochimaru stood there. Gaara the Psycho glanced up in shock. "Sugar Pimp Daddy Oro-sama?" He asked in a bit of disgust.
"Why yes, Gaara-kun! And I forbid you to have sex with someone who does not pay for it!" Now, this would be the point in any normal fic in which Neji would say, quite nobly, 'I refuse to treat my patient like a prostitute. When he sleeps with me, it shall be willingly, without me forking out fifty bucks!' Buuuuut, this is a parody . . .
"How much?" Asked Neji, reaching for his wallet. Orochimaru smirked. "Fifty bucks normally, but because I like you, you can have him for half that amount times four! Just hand over your wallet and I'll take out the proper amount for you!"
"Thanks man, you're really nice! Really, what a swell guy!" Commented Neji with a smile, tossing over his wallet in order for Orochimaru to take out a hundred dollars, before catching it when the snakish man tossed it back and left the room, telling them to have fun.
And they did. Once it was done however, Crazy Ol' Gaara refused to look at Neji. "What's the matter baby? Still stunned speechless by how big I am?" Asked the long-haired man, as he took a drag out of his cigarette with a smirk. He was, of course, referring to his . . . muscles. Really, he has a very muscled body for a therapist with his type of hair. You'd expect him to be lithe, but no!
But when Gaara turned to him, he realized how wrong he was as he saw the tears.
"I loved you Neji! How could you pay hundred bucks to have sex with me! After all we've been through, after you reached me on a deep spiritual level and got rid of all my mental problems! And addiction problems! And issues with my past! Even Shukaku (his alter personality) has disappeared!" Cried Gaara as he tugged on impossibly tight leather hot pants.
". . . wow." Neji stared at his darling little patient. "What we just did must have been more fantastic that I originally thought. And I really paid a hundred bucks for you? Daaaaaang." Seeing Gaara was about to run to the door, he grabbed the fuzzy pink handcuffs he always kept on him, 'just in case', and handcuffed the red-head to some sort of object. Maybe the Mickey Mouse dildo that had somehow gotten wedged into the therapist's couch during their passionate love making. "Gaara, I love you too! These past . . . wow, only one . . . this past session showed me the beauty inside you soul! Your beautiful mind!" (Yes, that reference there was made on purpose. Gaara did have every mental disease known to man and more, after all.)
And as the classic wonders of love filled the air, Orochimaru, his 'Gaara is Happy, Must Do Something' senses tingling, ran in, broke the two-dollar handcuffs, grabbed Gaara and jumped out the window announcing, "Gaara-kun belongs to no one but me! Kukukukukukukukuku!"
Running over to the shattered window, Neji looked down slightly amazed that they had reached the street unscathed. They were, after all, on the twenty-seventh level. "Stranger things I never did see." Neji said idly, before realizing he'd lost his one true love, the now Sane Gaara, and began to weep bitter tears. Leaning out the window, he cried, "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARA-oomph."
"SHUT. UP!" Shouted the person one floor above who'd just dropped a stapler on Neji. This person happened to be Sasuke, who was in therapy with Naruto for the sole fact his parents had caught him having sex with his elder brother, while slitting his wrists and playing the guitar emo-ly. Amazing multitasking abilities, right there.
Nejigaa.Nejigaa.Nejigaa.Nejigaa.Nejigaa.Nejigaa.
It was a year later, and Gaara happened to be doing the exact same thing Sasuke had been in therapy for. That is, he was singing the most depressing Simple Plan songs he knew while strumming them on the guitar, cutting himself while Itachi had his dirty way with him.
Even after twelve months, Gaara still loved Neji, who he had really only known for a day.
Every day he prayed to see the man who cured his mind, while Neji prayed to see the only patient he'd ever helped.
OmgThisIsSoSad.OmgThisIsSoSad.OmgThisIsSoSad.
By some strange coincidence, Neji and Gaara happened to bump into each other in the market. Well, it wasn't just them. Gaara was accompanied by his Sugar Pimp Daddy Orochimaru, and Neji was with his (unmentioned to Gaara that one time) girlfriend for three years, Tenten. (By the way, Tenten totally sucks. Lolololololol.)
"Oooooh, Neji, look, sparklie things!" Announced Tenten, staring at the Emo Razor Blades 5000 being sold in a nearby stall, that reflected the light ever so prettily. And temptingly. DANG MARKETING PLOYS!
As Neji the Therapist (who, as should be mentioned at some point, is not girly, but very seme and manly) grunted non-committing while comparing the prices of kumquats, the REALLY UGLY AND DUMB GIRL Tenten happened to see Orochimaru the Pimp buying some dead rats at a hot dog stand to feed his snakes. And immediately fell in love with his pale skin, long dark hair that made him look like a sexier Neji!
Of course, it should be mentioned that Tenten needs contacts, and the blaring reflections off the Emo Razor Blades 5000 caused her to blink too much and lose them. So currently, everything is a bit out of focus for her.
So, she walked up and tapped his shoulder. "Hey there, sexy." Orochimaru couldn't believe his ears. Someone thought he was good-looking? Turning he saw Tenten and immediately fell in love as well. She looked like that boy that was the little brother of one of Gaara's customers he'd constantly hit on!
Of course, it should be mentioned that Orochimaru needs contacts, and the blaring reflections off the Emo Razor Blades 5000 caused him to blink too much and lose them. So currently, everything is a bit out of focus for him.
Really, it's a sign they're perfect for each other! Thank you, Emo Razor Blades 5000, you continue to do a good job for society!
"I love you! I would give up my job as a pimp to be with you!" He announced, and Tenten swooned.
"Good, because I hate pimps. My daddy was a pimp and he made me watch him at work! That's actually how I met my ex-boyfriend, Neji! Therapy! And I love you too!" Apparently Orochimaru somehow didn't make the connection, or didn't really care, because he swept Tenten off to get married in a quickie marriage in a Vegas drive-thru chapel.
Gaara blinked when he noticed that Orochimaru was gone. "Did he lose his contacts again and fall down a porta-potty again?" The former crazy teen asked, then noticed Neji. "Neji!"
Neji saw Gaara, and dropped his kumquats. "Gaara!"
"Neji!"
"Gaara!"
"Neji!"
"Gaara!"
"LEE!"
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"Llamas!"
"Velcro monkeys!"
"Nejigaa forever!"
Slightly disturbed by the random shouts around them, the lovers embraced, and began to have mad, passionate love right there in the middle of the street, and were arrested for public indecency and public displays of affection. Since it is the job of couples to get waaaaaaaaaaay too intimate in public when in a fanfiction.
But it didn't matter, because even at prison Neji used his totally awesome ability to help people without actually helping them, and Gaara managed to avoid getting butt-raped unlike the last time he was in jail because Neji had a black belt in "Boring Psyche Lectures", and that just made everyone be scared of him.
And to this day, even though a continuous list of reasons keep them in jail, the two love each other very much. Gaara was never crazy again, and Neji continued to the best worst therapist ever.
The End
A/N: Whaddya think? I feel it wasn't as funny as the last two, but whatever . . . I'll leave that for you to decide.