A/N- written as a gift for Pirate Goblin and the Lancastrian Lord. Based on this prompt: "I want Simon getting a spanking from Mal, or Jayne, or Mal AND Jayne...with NO sex. Mission accepted, and acomplished. Enjoy.
"Doc, you want to explain this to me?" Mal said as he marched into Serenity's common area.
Simon looked up calmly from the cup of tea he had been sipping only a moment before. Reaching out, he snagged the piece of paper that Mal had been waving as he entered the room.
"It's a list of needed supplies for the infirmary," he told Mal, passing the paper back to the captain.
Kaylee's forehead crinkled with puzzlement, as her big brown eyes looked back and forth between the ship's doctor and its captain. "I don't understand," she said. "Isn't it a good thing to keep the med supplies filled? I mean, with you getting shot on jobs and all…" The petite mechanic had been sitting with River and Simon at the table; talking shyly with Simon while River played a game—the rules of which were only known to her—with labels pulled off cans of food. Thankfully, River had waited until after the cans had opened before removing the labels this time.
"I don't get shot," Mal protested defensively. "That often…" he amended a second later.
"Yeah, ya kinda do," came Jayne's voice from the doorway. The big merc had been in his bunk when he had heard Mal's voice raised at the ship's doctor. An argument was usually pretty good entertainment, if you asked him; as long as it didn't end up with Jayne being shot or stabbed. Hell, he didn't even mind a good bar fight most days; at least they weren't boring. Now, the bulk of his t-shirt and cargo-clad frame filled most of the doorway as he leaned in slightly for a better look, arms raised as his hands gripped the upper edge of the doorseal.
Mal shot Jayne an exasperated look, causing Jayne to reply with, "What? Just saying, ya do get shot pretty often—or stabbed, or beat up…or that time you got yourself married…" His voice trailed off as he heard River mumbling children's rhymes from where she sat at the table.
"…they all ran after the farmer's wife. She cut off their tails with a carving knife…"
"Did she just say 'knife'? Crazy doesn't have a knife over there, does she?" He scowled in the captain's direction. "Ain't getting cut again…."
"She doesn't have a knife; and my sister is perfectly safe…" Simon said, while at the same time River was shaking her head and saying, "Mother may I? No, you may not. No knives allowed today. Play the right game."
"Your sister," Mal began. He paused for a moment before continuing. "Your sister's a lot of things, doc, but do go thinking that I'm making the mistake of believing that she's 'perfectly safe'. And that's kind of beside the point, here, which is…"
I know that's a list of medical supplies. What I don't know is why we need so many of them when I bought you med supplies less than a month ago; and no one here's gotten sick or been hurt that badly since I did so. Maybe you could shed some light on where they've gone for me." Mal stood, arms folded across his chest as he waited for an answer.
"Bessietown," Simon said, taking another sip of his tea.
"Bessietown? What in gorram hell are our med supplies doing in Bessietown?" Mal's voice was raised again now as the captain looked at the man who still sat calmly drinking tea at the table.
Carefully putting his cup down, Simon turned to look Mal in the eyes. "They needed the supplies more than we did," he said. "They have a hard enough time getting anything on that planet—"
"That ain't a planet; it's a rocky pimple in space," Jayne snorted from his vantage point of the doorway, interrupting the doc. This was starting to get interesting. Mal liked to not only think he was the boss and the ship's captain; he also wanted the crew to treat him that way. Yeah, good luck with that one.
"…and medical supplies are almost impossible for their doctor to obtain. The last med supply shipment that they traded for was five years ago, Captain. What would you have liked me to have done?"
From where she sat, Kaylee watched as the captain started to lose his temper.
"What would I like you to have done? I would have liked it if the ship's doctor had asked the captain—and that would be me—before he gave away new supplies. I would have liked it if more than half of what we made during that trip didn't need to be spent on replacing things I had just bought! Especially since that money's been spent on fuel already just to get us to our next job! Now, where do you reckon we're going to find the credit to cover your little 'donation'?"
"I'm sure Simon didn't mean any harm, Cap'n," Kaylee said soothingly. "He's a doctor, and he probably didn't realize…"
"Kaylee, didn't your daddy ever teach you the saying, 'feed the dog you have at home, before you feed the stray'? We can't afford to give things away when we don't have enough to keep ourselves going as it is." Mal's voice was a little softer as he spoke to her. No one on the ship liked to throw a shadow over their little sunbeam, not even Jayne; although you would be hard pressed most days to get the big gun-toting merc to admit it. Mal turned his attention back to the man sitting next to Kaylee at the table. "So, how do you think I should cover the cost of these supplies, doc?"
Simon shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, captain. Maybe you can put off buying extra parts for a while; surely people's lives are more important than a few spare parts," he said defiantly, looking up into Mal's face.
There was a scrape of chair legs against the floor as Kaylee shot to her feet. "A few spare parts?!" she practically screeched at Simon. "Serenity doesn't have any spare parts at all…and you want Cap'n to wait to buy the ones on the supply list?!"
From the doorway, Jayne grinned. Core-boy had just riled up Kaylee good, he thought, knowing how protective the petite mechanic was about Serenity's engines. This was going to be more interesting than he had thought.
Whatever might have been said next was startled into silence by River's hand slamming down on the tabletop.
"No, you're playing the wrong game!" she insisted. "It's 'Mother, May I', not 'Simon Says'. Mother didn't say, and now daddy is likely to deliver a spanking."
Simon turned to his sister, trying to calm her. "Shh, its okay, River. No one is going to hurt anyone here…" he said.
"Actually, your sister might be right…" Mal said with a thoughtful tone in his voice. "Lil' 'Tross, who's 'mother'?
There was a moment before the answer came. "Mother holds us all, carries us with her, beating heart that holds the family together to go where daddy decides to go…"
Mal gave a satisfied nod. "Guess that answers that question. Sounds like your sister considers Serenity to be the mother of our little family of outlaws. So, who do you think that makes 'daddy', hhmm? And this notion of a spanking is one that I can agree with. Kaylee, what do you think?" he asked, turning to the now visibly angry mechanic.
"It's what my pa would have done, if I ran off with something of the family's and gave it away without asking. Spare parts…" she said, giving the doctor an irritated glare as she did so.
"That's three then. Jayne, you agree with this idea of River's?"
There was a flash of a wolfish grin from the doorway. "You're the captain, Mal. If Crazy thinks that makes you daddy… I ain't getting cut by the moon brain for arguing."
"This is just ridiculous...River, don't worry." Simon crouched down in front of his sister's chair, trying to look her in the eyes. "They aren't serious. No one is getting spanked."
A pair of eyes looked up through strands of dark hair. "All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel," she said softly. "Run, the monkey is coming…."
"What do you mean—" Simon cut short what he had planned to say when a large shadow fell over him. Looking over his shoulder, his eyes widened at the sight of Jayne reaching for him. Ducking the hand that narrowly missed grabbing his shoulder, he moved out of reach and stood up. "You people can't be serious…." he said, trying to move towards the door. "This isn't right."
Mal smirked a little at the doctor's discomfiture. "Well, the whole family seems to agree so far; heck, Doc, even your sister thinks this is what's going to happen."
"Not everyone is here…Wash and Zoe…"
"Are busy in their bunk being a married couple. And if you think a spanking's the worst thing that can happen to you…well, knocking on that door right now might prove you wrong."
"Inara…"
"Is away off on business. Try again."
"Shepherd Book," he said, desperately.
"Oh, good try. Does anyone know where the Shepherd is right now?"
"He is hiding the hair…and the monkey is getting closer," River told them.
Simon managed to dodge the big merc again, working his way closer to the door as Jayne began complaining. "Man gits tired of being called a monkey by little crazy girls, Mal."
"Yeah, and yet no one's surprised, Jayne. Just get ahold of the doc, so he can take his medicine like a big boy…"
Before that happened; however, Simon had bolted for the now-empty doorway and was running down the corridor that led to the cargo area, trying to find somewhere that he could keep from being cornered by the pack of madmen that inhabited the ship until this particular moment of lunacy had passed. The shouts from behind him let him know that the rest of the crew was not letting their prey get away that easily. There was a crash of a chair being knocked over, and then the heavy, thudding footsteps of Jayne, followed by more footsteps as Mal and Kaylee followed him. Simon continued to run, now clattering down the steps that led to the floor of the mostly empty cargo hold. Perhaps the most disturbing to Simon was the sound of River, delicate footsteps lightly dancing behind them as she continued to sing nursery rhymes. His little sister wasn't actually with these maniacs, was she?
"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick…" Her voice floated through the ships passageways.
No, he decided. River simply didn't understand what was happening…
"Found him, Mal!" came a bellowed voice nearby; and then he was running again, ending up staring at Jayne from the far side of a crate that Simon had managed to keep between them.
Jayne grinned at the doctor from the far side of the crate the doctor was hiding behind. "C'mon, doc. It won't take long, and we'll all feel better."
Simon looked at him in shock. "We'll all feel better?" he gasped out, "You're psychotic…all of you. I'm not about to –" Whatever he meant to say was cut off as Jayne lunged across the crate and managed to get a grip on his arm.
"Gotcha, core-boy," Jayne said, dragging him around the crate; closer to where Jayne stood waiting. "Now, chasin' ya was fun, and all; but—" Jayne ducked Simon's wildly thrown punch. "Shouldn't a done that, Doc," he told Simon as Jayne forced the arm he held up behind Simon's back, reducing him to helplessness as he half-dragged, half-shoved the doctor across the cargo hold towards Jayne's weight-lifting bench. Mal was settling himself down on the bench as the doctor was forced closer to him; smirking at the horrified expression on Simon's face as he did.
"Good job, Jayne," Mal told the big man. "Bring him over here, and hold him over my lap; if you would be so kind."
"Sure thing, Mal," Jayne said. "Don't know what you're so upset about, Doc. One a' Nandi's girls told me they sometimes get fellas in that PAY for this; and you're getting it for free." He maneuvered the doctor until he was draped face-down over Mal's lap; Jayne standing near his head to keep him in place.
"I don't…that's not something I want," Simon practically squawked in indignation. "I'm no—" Simon's voice broke off with a pained yelp as the captain's big hand came down hard on his backside.
"I'd say don't be such a baby and quite hollering," the captain said. "But that's kinda the point here, ain't it?" The hand came down again, and again; while Simon squirmed to get free and howled his displeasure.
Above him, on the catwalk around the cargo hold, River stood at the railing; humming as she watched the scene below her. There was the sound of footsteps approaching, and then a man's hands grasped the railing next to her as their owner looked down into the cargo hold.
"River?" She looked up at the man who had just spoken her name. Yes, it was safe. He had put the hair away before coming out of his quarters.
"Why are Jayne and Mal spanking your brother?" Shepherd Book asked her, confusion evident on his face as he did so.
"A hal'pound of tuppenny rice, a hal'pound o' treacle. That's the way the med supplies went…pop goes the weasel."
"Oh," Book said, nodding. "As long as there's a good reason…."
Below them, another indignant howl came from Simon.