Gah, I don't know why I'm doing this! I swore I would quit writing fic since I don't really have time for it anymore, but I miss my Maddison, and this idea came into my head. I'm exploring an alternative to the way things could have been in NYC. Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be an angsty ride.
The sound of a box of pills sliding back and forth in her Prada handbag taunted Addison as she carried it into the bathroom adjacent to Mark's bedroom, clad in a bathrobe and slippers that were far from her typical attire, and carrying a glass of water in her other hand. She unzipped the bag and examined the name on the box of pills: Mifepristone. Addison thought the pills would be the end of her problems, or at least one of them.
The first time Addison had thrown up, it had been from the smell of another woman's perfume on Mark's skin. She couldn't believe that he was stupid enough to come to bed without showering; she figured he must have wanted to get caught. The sugary, cotton candy top notes were far from elegant, and were definitely not close to any fragrance that Addison would wear; they were, however, exactly the kind of scent that the 23 year old nurse in pediatrics would wear. After she'd thrown up the next three mornings, she became suspicious enough to take a pregnancy test, and was shocked when the stick turned blue.
That was two weeks before. As Addison opened the box of abortion pills, she bitterly lamented the irony that Mark had gotten her pregnant so easily, the first time they were together. There had been plenty of opportunities in the past eleven years for Derek to get his wife pregnant – times when they had been too impassioned to bother with condoms, times that long surgeries had kept Addison from taking her birth control pills on time, or at all.
Addison took a deep breath and popped the three pills out of the blister pack and into her hand. She opened her mouth and placed the first on her tongue. It tasted horribly bitter on her sensitive taste buds. As she picked up the glass of water, images flashed through her mind. She saw the faces of patients she had delivered throughout her career, the devastated expressions of mothers who had lost their babies. How could she abort her own child when she'd seen the suffering of women who'd unwillingly lost theirs?
Addison spat the pill back out into her hand and curled her fingers around it. The sparkle of her wedding and engagement rings caught her eye and she sighed.
"I can't do this…" Addison muttered.
Before she could change her mind again, she quickly threw the three pills into the toilet and flushed it, watching the pills swirl down and away from her. She sank to the floor and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will the tears away. No matter how much she had thought it might solve her problems, she knew it would only create a new one; a guilt that she would never be able to forget.
Addison allowed herself to calm down before she finally pulled herself back up off the floor. When she entered Mark's bedroom, she picked up a green sequined pillow from Mark's bed. It was one of her few additions to his décor since she had moved in, and it looked slightly out of place in his bachelor pad. She stuffed it into her robe and approached the mirror, examining herself in the mirror.
"I can't believe this…" Addison whispered, running her hand over her fake baby bump.
The sound of a throat clearing startled Addison a few moments later. She gasped when she saw Mark's reflection behind her in the mirror, and knew she had been caught, that he knew. She tried to gauge his reaction from his face, but it remained expressionless.
"Is it mine?" Mark finally asked after remaining silent for what seemed like an eternity to Addison.
Addison pulled the pillow from inside her robe and flung it on Mark's bed forcefully. "Of course it's yours. You're the only one I've been with in six months. I'm not the cheater."
Mark sighed and peeled off his leather jacket, tossing it onto a nearby recliner. "What do you mean by that?"
"I'm not stupid, Mark." Addison spat. "I know about you and Charlene. And you and Erin. Do you want me to go on?"
Mark rubbed his face with his hand. "No."
"Why?" Addison demanded, forgetting about the baby for a moment and perching herself on the edge of Mark's bed. "Why would you do that to me?"
Mark slowly sunk down next to her and avoided her eyes by fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "I wanted to hurt you."
Addison threw her hands up in frustration and tried to swallow the lump that was rising in her throat. "This from a man who claims to love me."
"I've heard you on the phone with Derek's voicemail." Mark murmured. "I heard you telling him how much you missed him, how much you loved him, how much you wish he'd come home. That hurt. I wanted to make a life with you, and you're stuck on him. Don't you remember the past three years? Don't you remember why you started crying on my shoulder every night? Why I used to hold you until you'd fall asleep? Everything else that led up to that night?"
"Of course I do." Addison mumbled.
"You're not mine, Addison." Mark said quietly. "You never have been. I'm beginning to wonder if you ever will be."
"That's ridiculous, Mark." Addison argued. "I moved in with you. I sleep next to you every night."
Mark reached into Addison's lap and held up her left hand, giving her a pointed look. "These say otherwise. These say that you still belong to my best friend, that you still love him. So do your unsigned divorce papers."
"You don't understand." Addison said, pulling her hand out of his grasp. "You've never been married. We shared 13 years of our life together. I can't get over him overnight, Mark. I… I love you both."
Mark turned so that he was looking directly into her eyes. "Are you ever going to love me the way you did him?"
"I hope so." Addison whispered. "I want to."
Mark was silent. Addison fiddled with her wedding rings and looked back at him. "You didn't seem surprised about the baby."
"I had my suspicions." Mark shrugged. "I heard you throw up a couple of mornings. Whenever we had sex, you'd complain if I touched your breasts."
"Why didn't you say anything, then?" Addison asked quietly.
"I figured if it was true, you'd tell me yourself… When you were ready."
"What are we going to do?" Addison wondered aloud.
"I'll probably be a terrible father." Mark said sadly. "I never had a good one of my own… But I'd like to try."
Addison took a deep breath and nodded. "So would I… But how can I trust you?"
"I'll never cheat on you again. No other women. I promise." Mark said.
"It's going to take me a while to trust you." Addison replied honestly.
"I know… But let me prove to you that I can be what you want." Mark said, taking Addison's hand in his. He scowled as the rings on her finger pressed into his skin. "You need to lose the rings. If we're going to do this, we both have to forget other people and focus on each other."
"You're right." Addison sighed. She twisted the rings off her finger with some effort, since they had practically become molded to her finger over the past eleven years, and dropped them into Mark's waiting hand.
Mark stared at the rings in his hand and fantasized about throwing them into the Hudson River, taking them to the OR with him and sawing them in half, or at the very least, throwing them down on the floor and stomping on them.
But he wasn't that dramatic. He silently stood and carried them across the room. Addison heard a drawer open behind her, and heard the clank as the rings hit its wooden bottom. She winced as she heard him slam the drawer shut.
"The divorce papers are in my office." Addison said quietly. "I'll get them tomorrow."
"Good." Mark's face softened, and he returned to his seat next to Addison, gently wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
"If you're just doing this because I'm pregnant, then I don't…" Addison began.
"I'm doing this because I love you, Addison." Mark assured her. "We deserve a shot at happiness."
"We can't be selfish anymore." Addison reminded him. "It's not just the two of us we have to think about. There's a baby now that we have to put before both of us."
"Shhh." Mark softly kissed Addison's forehead, and placed a gentle hand on her stomach. "I know. Don't worry, Addie. I'm all in."
What do you think? Is it worth continuing?