How did this happen to you of all people?
Never in your life did you imagine you would end up on a small longboat at sea - the one place you hated to be most of all - as a result of an escape from a pirate ship, not once. You didn't care what they said: Your freedom wasn't worth any amount of money, not even all the money in the world!
Now, you were taking on your third day alone. You were sure to starve to death soon. Trying to catch fish by hand wasn't working, and the hand you'd been using was turning weird colours. You couldn't even feel it anymore. It didn't help at all that you could see snow falling in sheets all over the place.
As you were pondering giving up, a shape on the horizon caught your eye.
Slowly and carefully, you stood up. You didn't care how urgent this was, there was probably no recovering if your little boat capsized.
"OVER HERE!" you shouted urgently, waving your hands. You could feel the boat moving precariously beneath your feet. This was your last resort.
Standing on your toes and continuing to wave your arms crazily, you screamed at the top of your lungs, "HELP ME! I'M DYING!"
It seemed to be working: The ship was heading your way. Never in your life did you imagine you could be saved from such a desperate situation, not once. Tears welled up in your eyes from the sheer joy of finding salvation at last.
To avoid further risk of capsizing, you cautiously sat back down in your boat.
The joyous occasion was, of course, ruined. You didn't know whether to just drown yourself or sit and congratulate your extraordinary bad luck.
The ship heading for you was yet another pirate ship. It wasn't just any pirate ship, either(why would you expect any different?). It was the pirate ship belonging to the man with the biggest bounty in the entire East Blue(of fucking course it was). The tears behind your eyes changed to ones of frustration and fell down your face. There wasn't anything you could do. You could either die on your little lifeboat slowly and painfully or just let Straw Hat Luffy take care of it for you quickly.
Never in your life did you imagine you would have to face someone of his reputation, not once.
As the ship pulled near you, you could make out at least three people staring down at your red, puffy, tear-soaked, frostbitten face.
"...Help?" you said weakly.
Maybe you could fake it. It couldn't be too hard to play pirate, right? All you had to do was make up some stories about stealing things and killing people. That was what pirates did, right?
You couldn't get any more words out before you were pulled into the ship.
Never in your life did you imagine you would be grabbed, yanked from your position, and slammed against a wall by a rubber man, not once.
Yet, it happened. And you were unconscious in an instant.
"...did a fantastic job, you moron! What if she's dead?!"
Your eyes opened slowly, taking in your surroundings.
"But she's NOT!"
"I can't believe you'd throw a lady around in such a way! I ought to throw you overboard!"
There were three people standing over you(not the same exact three as the ones who'd first seen you), and two of them were arguing angrily. The third was some kind of teddy bear thing with a blue nose and a pink top hat. No, it didn't make sense to you either. That one was tending to your wounds, it seemed.
Never in your life had you had such a horrid headache, not once.
So, naturally, you couldn't stop yourself when your hand shot up to hold your head as you groaned in pain.
"Owwwww..."
"See?! She's just fine, Sanji! You can't throw me overboard!"
"YOU'RE LUCKY SHE IS AFTER THE WAY YOU TREATED HER!"
"If all you two can do is argue amongst yourselves, then leave!"
Finally, the teddy bear spoke.
"She has an awful headache, and you two are just making it worse," he added, tying a final bandage around your arm.
Why were there so many bandages on that arm? Why couldn't you move it?
"She wouldn't have had one in the first place if you hadn't thrown her into the wall," the blonde grumbled as he headed out the door.
"She's gonna be fine!" the dark-haired one called after him as he followed him out.
You turned to what you assumed to be the doctor, a confused look on your face.
What should you even ask first?
"Uhm...I...why do you have antlers?"
What a wonderful first question! You sarcastically gave yourself an inward round of applause.
"Uh..."
"Nevermind...I meant to ask why I can't move my right arm...or hand."
"Oh, well, you see..." the doctor began, seeming nervous about telling you this.
These crazy fucks took my arm and kept it in the freezer as payment, you thought, they're going to sell it to the black market and continue to take my limbs in this manner until I'm a bloody stump. I hate pirates.
"I had to cut off your right hand," he finally managed. "It was so frostbitten that it was turning black. I had to take it off so it wouldn't spread."
Oh, that was a much better explanation.
"What were you doing out there by yourself?"
You sat up, feeling a little better about being much bigger than this little doctor bear guy.
"I...was...fishing?" you tried.
Wow. You could tell this was going to go very smoothly.
"How could you have gotten such horrible frostbite if you were just fishing?!"
"Uhm...I didn't have a fishing pole?"
The doctor stared at you, as if he was literally looking through your lie.
"Can I explain this later?" you asked, fidgeting.
"Sure. I guess I should ask you what your name is first. I'm Chopper, by the way."
"I'm...my name is [NAME]," you blurted before you could even think of a badass pirate name to give yourself. What the fuck kind of pirate goes around in life as [NAME] and leaves it that way? None, that's who.
"Do you think you can walk?"
You nodded, puffing out your chest. It was tough-piratey act time.
"It's just a little headache!" you laughed. "A hand? Ha! I've been in worse scrapes than this."
As you spoke, you stood from the bed. Pain shot through your head and made you wish for a guillotine to be handy, but you were just so good at this pirate thing.
"In fact, I think I'm ready to just...go," you added carefully.
"You can't leave yet, [NAME]!" Chopper told you desperately. "You're my patient! I have to keep you at least on this ship until you get completely better!"
You frowned. "How long will that be?"
"A month at least! I cut your hand off!"
That was true. You sighed very heavily.
"Fine...Chopper. I guess if I have to."
Chopper nodded.
"Can I at least go above deck?" you asked him, though you weren't completely sure you wanted to go up there with all those pirates.
"Sure," Chopper said. "Just be careful."
Hesitantly, you finally decided it was alright to head up the stairs. You ended up in the galley. Who else would you find but Straw Hat Luffy? No one, that's who.
He was the dark-haired one that was in the room with you before, you realised as you watched him dig through the fridge in front of you.
You tried to sneak past him, but as it turns out you sucked at it and he saw you immediately.
His face stuffed like a chipmunk's, he waved at you.
"Hi, weird lady," he greeted through mountains of unidentifyable food.
You blinked at him, not sure of what to say back for the simple reason your mind wouldn't get off the topic of him talking with his mouth full.
"Did I give you brain damage?" he continued when you didn't respond.
"Uhhhh...no?" you replied.
He swallowed whole everything that was in his greedy little mouth.
"Do you still have a headache?"
"...Yep."
"I'm sorry," he said with a bow.
"That's...that's okay."
He didn't seem like he deserved the bounty the marines had given him. Perhaps they were going soft? Maybe they'd mistaken one of his crew members for him? Well, one thing was for sure: You hadn't seen that crew member yet. So, maybe it was the former.
Awkwardly, you excused yourself and stepped outside. There were at least three people you hadn't seen(the ones you had seen before being the blonde from the first and second encounter with crew members and the long-nosed guy from the first)that were there. Right before you was a redheaded girl keeping an eye on the logue pose on her wrist. On the lower deck was a dark-haired woman reading a book in a lawn chair. The third was a sleeping man with freakish muscle mass, green hair, and three swords.
Who carried around three swords? you wondered dumbly.
The redhead turned around when she heard the door close behind you.
"Oh, hey. I saw Luffy swing you into the ship earlier. Are you feeling alright?" she asked you.
She seemed pretty sweet for a horrible, terrifying pirate.
You nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."
You remembered your tough pirate act and didn't mention the headache that was busy ripping your poor brain into bite-size pieces.
"Well, I'm Nami. I'm the navigator."
"Nice to meet you...I'm [NAME]."
No sense in changing your name to something scary now. You'd already told one of them your real name, and they might keelhaul you for lying to them.
"You said you're the navigator?"
"That's right."
"Well...are there any islands with doctors coming up? Do you think?"
"Well, Not for a while. Besides, look at how many bandages are on your hand. You have to stay here and let our doctor finish his treatment for you."
You sighed audibly again.
Before you could think of an argument for that, the tall blonde guy was making his way up the stairs toward the two of you.
"Ah! You've woken up!" he said, seeming more enthusiastic than he really should be. "I hope our idiot captain didn't hurt you too badly."
You were taken aback by the phrase 'idiot captain'. There was no doubt in your mind now: There was a mistake on the posters. The captain took one of his crew members' glory for himself. But which one? Was this terrifying crew member in some sort of dungeon below deck somewhere? Had you just managed to be in a different place than him all this time?
"No. He only gave me a headache."
"He gives us all a headache," the long-nosed guy piped up from the edge of the ship, where he was fishing.
You looked down at him because he'd spoken. However, right when you tried to turn your attention back to the blondie that was talking to you, he had pressed something warm to your face.
"WHAT THE - "
"Here," he interrupted your moment of confusion, "hold this in place. I'll go make you some tea."
Hesitantly, you cooperated(it was a one-time use heating pad or whatever those are called), and he slipped into the kitchen.
Confused, you turned to Nami for answers.
"What just happened...?"
"Oh, that's just Sanji. Don't pay any attention to him. He acts like this all the time."
You nodded slowly, still confused as to what to make of what just took place.
"HEY! ZORO!" Nami shouted. "Usopp, get Zoro's attention, would you?"
Usopp - the long-nosed guy - slid onto the deck, leaned his fishing pole against the side of the boat, and headed in the green-haired man's direction.
"Wait, wait, wait," you said hastily, backing up a couple of steps. "Did you say Zoro?"
Nami looked at you, confused. "Yeah...?"
"Like...Roronoa Zoro?"
"That's him."
"...The pirate hunter...Roronoa Zoro?"
"Yes, [NAME], Zoro."
Fuck. He'd become a pirate. He was probably a lot meaner now than he was when he was a pirate hunter. You were certain this was the guy that the marines thought was Straw Hat Luffy. You were dead meat. All of your lies would soon come to the light because Zoro would use some kind of Samurai mind trick thing on you and make you tell everything.
A little too hastily, you spun around and scrambled into the galley.
Never in your life had you been so close to death so many times in one day, not once.
You shut the door behind you, leaning back against it and very nearly hyperventilating.
Sanji, whom you'd forgotten had gone in there earlier, looked up immediately when you came in.
"What's the matter, dear?" he asked you.
"...You...I...guys...pirates...Zoro..." you tried to explain.
You could see how someone would get confused from such an elaborate explanation.
Sanji frowned. "Dammit. What did Zoro do this time?" he demanded as he stormed out of the galley, seemingly forgetting he was making something.
What was he doing?!
You started to follow him out the door, but decided against it. If that guy thought he could take on Roronoa Zoro, you weren't going to go out there and mess with him. Instead, you headed back into the room you were in originally.
"Doc, I've decided I like it down here much better," you told Chopper as you entered.
"Is something wrong, [NAME]?"
You shook your head quickly enough to feel the aforementioned brain pieces rattle about in there. Damn, that hurt.
"I just...think I'll be good down here for the next month. Yep."
In a few minutes, Sanji came down the stairs, a weird mixture of confusion and frustration evident on his face.
"Zoro said he didn't do anything, but I don't buy it. Why are you so pale?"
Were you pale? You hadn't noticed.
Then was when Sanji noticed the bandages around where your hand once was and sort of freaked.
"What happened to your hand?! Did you cut it on something in the kitchen?!"
"What? No. Chopper cut it off," you said absentmindedly.
That was a terrible choice of words, as you came to find out.
Sanji was silent for a moment, jaw agape, before he shot a deadly glare toward Chopper.
"Chopper, what the hell?! What made you think - "
"She had frostbite, Sanji! Her hand was completely black!"
Sanji blinked in confusion for a moment. His attention was then turned back to you.
"Why was your hand all black?" he asked.
"Why are you asking me so many questions?" you retorted whinily.
Being the centre of attention was certainly not all it was cracked up to be.
"Oh, you're absolutely right! I'm sorry about all that! Why don't we just start with your name?"
"...[NAME]..."
"And I'm Sanji!"
"Nami told me."
Thinking before speaking was not your forte.
Suddenly, the door to the outside world opened. You didn't know there was a door down there, hence why you went up to the galley first. Perhaps you just hadn't been paying attention.
"Hey, what's going on in here?" Nami demanded. "[NAME], why were you in such a hurry to run away? I was getting Zoro up to meet you."
You only realised at that moment that you were shaking nearly enough to be counted as an epileptic.
"Um...it's...it's cold outside," you replied dumbly.
A look of realisation came over Nami's face. "You're scared of Zoro, aren't you?"
"NO! No way! I'm not scared of this...'Zoro' person," you replied, putting on your tough voice again even though you were still shaking your terrified head off.
Never in your life had you told a bigger lie, not once.
"Then come out here and say hello," Nami insisted.
Luffy poked his head into the room. "Who's scared of Zoro?" he asked.
"I'm not scared of Zoro!" you shouted indignantly. "I just...uhhh...I just like it okay in here. That's all."
"But Zoro isn't scary," Luffy told you.
"Which is why I'm not scared of him!"
"Then why are you shaking?" Luffy pried.
"Luffy, leave her alone," Sanji interjected.
"Fine, I'll go meet Zoro if it pleases you," you huffed.
What? No! What were you saying?!
"But...I-I mean if it...doesn't really matter to you, that would be gr-okay, too. I mean, I don't absolutely have to meet him...?"
"Well, I didn't wake him up for no reason," Nami told you.
Dammit.
"Okay. Fine. Fine. I'll be out there."
Shakily, you made your way out the door and looked around for Zoro.
"Oh, he's not out here. Guess I ought to go back inside and - "
"Who's not out here?"
You spun around and jumped back a couple feet before gawking up at the source of the voice. As you put on that magnificent display of acrobatics, you shrieked. If anyone asked, that was your battle cry.
You covered your mouth with both hands.
There he was: Roronoa Zoro. Sitting on the railing above you, lifting a weight probably bigger than your whole...you was the man who hardly anyone saw and lived to tell about it.
"I...uh...I guess I was mistaken...then..." you corrected yourself. "So...you're this...'Zoro' guy everyone's telling me about?"
"Don't act tough after just hearing me talk freaked you out," he reprimanded you.
"Uhh...sorry," you squeaked.
"Yeah, I'm Zoro."
"It was nice meeting you, Zoro," you said hastily, starting to head back into the cabin.
"What's your name?"
Oh, right. That was probably important.
"[NAME]. My name is [NAME]."
Before he could reply to that, you ran back into the cabin. All of your limbs that weren't already missing parts were fully intact, and you prided yourself on that.
You let out a breath you didn't know you'd been holding.
"See? He's not that ba - you ran away, didn't you?" Nami sighed.
"No...I...um..."
"You so did!" she told you, grabbing your hand. "Come on."
"Oh, Nami...I don't...I don't think this is a - "
"[NAME], it's fine," she said as she opened the door. "Zoro is nothing but a freakishly strong moron."
You cringed inwardly. Don't say things like that! Jesus Christ, it's like you want us to die!
"HEY!"
Never in your life did you imagine you'd die so young for someone else's fault, not once.
"Oh, don't give me that! [NAME] here is scared of you, Zoro. Fix it!"
"Can't fix what's not broken. Maybe she has a good reason."
Jesus.
"ZORO, STOP IT."
"Geez, I can't believe you woke me up for this," he grumbled, staring off at the horizon and away from the two of you.
"Look, [NAME], Zoro is not going to chop your arm off or whatever the hell you think he's going to do."
"That's what you say now," you mumbled under your breath.
"Hey, if she wants me to, I'd be happy to oblige."
"ZORO!"
"What? I'm just joking. God."
You wrenched your hand away from Nami and backed away from them.
"Hey, if you do cut off my arm, please take my right one. It's useless without a hand anyway!"
"[NAME], don't say things like that!"
Zoro was laughing at this whole situation, and you started to wonder if you really had been wrong about him.
"Okay, if that's all - "
"Hey, [NAME], I'm not going to cut your arm off unless you give me a good reason."
"Aaaaand she won't give you a good reason," Nami interjected.
"Yeah, I think I'm good. I'll just sit in the cabin and behave myself for the duration of my stay. Pretend I never existed."
Zoro put the giant barbell he'd been lifting down and jumped down to the deck.
"I thought we'd established that I wasn't scary?"
"Yes, and that's great," you replied, backing up again. "Buuuuut I just...don't want to take any chances..."
Zoro looked at Nami. "Where did we get her?"
"She was in a longboat, dying."
"Sounds like a chance to me."
"A different kind of chance that doesn't involve superhumans with swords," you argued.
"Come on, even Usopp isn't scared of Zoro, and he's scared of everything," Nami tried.
"Hey, I heard that!" Usopp protested from where he was yet again fishing.
Sighing, you stuck out your hand. This was going to drag on forever.
"Okay. Let's do this properly. I'm [NAME]."
He shook your hand. "And I'm Zoro."
Goddamn, he must have been twice your size.
"Good. Good." You took your hand back and hid it behind your back. "Nice to meet you."
He wasn't so scary...he was just fucking enormous. That was all.
"So, just to be clear..."
"I don't have any interest in fighting you."
"Very good. I'll be going now."
Puffing out your chest again(it made you feel stronger somehow), you walked around Zoro and went up into the galley. You kept going until you could sit down at the table. There was Sanji again: He'd remembered what he'd been doing in there earlier. That was good, because you couldn't seem to.
He looked up when you came in.
"He didn't do anything stupid did he?"
There was silence before you realised there was no one in the room he could be talking to but yourself.
"I...no?" you replied uncertainly.
He set a cup of tea in front of you at the table.
"He's not going to, is he?" you asked him.
Sure, Zoro told you he wasn't going to hurt you, but you weren't convinced.
Sanji smiled at you. "I won't let him."
You were starting to fully understand that nothing he said could be taken one hundred percent seriously.
"...If you say so, Sanji."
"Drink your tea, [NAME]. It's a special brew that's supposed to help with headaches."
You decided to humour him. You didn't think tea could do that for you, especially not with how bad your headache was.
"Thanks."
"Anything for you, my sweet!"
Fear was slowly but surely being pushed out of the way and replaced with an uncomfortable feeling.
The door opened, and that was no longer an issue. Your fear crept back into your mind as Zoro came in.
"What do you want, Zoro?" Sanji asked him, animosity evident in his voice.
"Relax, shithead, I just came in here for some booze."
That he did. You watched him wearily as he took a bottle of what you figured was beer out of the refrigerator.
He sat across the table from you so that he could lean against the wall.
You seemed to have lost your ability to get up and move, which you so desperately wanted to do. Unfortunately, all you could do was sit there and sip your goddamn tea.
"Watch your language around [NAME]," Sanji said.
That was fucking ridiculous and unnecessary, you thought. As if you couldn't handle a supposedly off-colour word! Before you knew it, you were getting indignant enough to turn red, so you just kept drinking your tea to hide it. Let Sanji think what he wanted to think about you.
"Come on, Sanji. You don't really think anyone's going to be scarred for life from a word, do you?"
"It's disrespectful to curse in the presence of a lady," he retorted.
Zoro turned to give you this 'is-he-for-real' look that you couldn't help but chuckle about.
Dammit. You'd wanted to stay neutral.
"You're just mad because I called you shithead," Zoro laughed, taking a swig.
You bit your lip, watching the two. Would they fight in the galley? Did they care if they broke anything? These were the questions that you were concerned about at the moment.
"You're such a careless brute, you know that?" Sanji snapped.
"At least I'm not some useless wannabe ladies' man."
You frowned. This wasn't heading in a very good direction, and you knew it. You were also pretty sure you were going to end up in the middle of whatever happened.
So, the best thing you could do was try to stop it, right?
"What are you guys even arguing about?" were the first words out of your mouth.
Looking back on those words, you wondered why you thought that was the logical thing to say.
Sanji and Zoro looked at you, seemingly confused as to why they were fighting themselves.
"Zoro was being a thoughtless idiot again," Sanji replied.
"And Sanji decided to open his stupid mouth," Zoro retorted.
You frowned deeper.
"I think you're both stupid," you said in the biggest bout of courage you had all day. With that, you stood from the table and left the room. You weren't supposed to give Zoro a reason to cut your arm off, and here you were insulting the man's intelligence.
Oh, well. You lost one hand, why not get started on the other, right?
"Are those idiots fighting again?" Nami asked you as you stepped back out above deck.
"Yeah. But I don't know why," you told her, trying to resist the urge to look behind you.
"Probably no reason for it," she grumbled. "Can't they act their age for five seconds?"
As she spoke, she stomped into the galley. A minute or so later, she came back out with a beat up pair of men and subsequently dropped them on the floor.
"Now, I need you guys to focus your energy on something useful. For instance, Zoro, I want you to clean up the ship. You got that?"
Zoro jumped to his feet. "Now, hold on! I'm not taking orders from you!"
"It's not like our captain is going to give out any orders. Do we really have to go through this again?!"
"I'll help clean up," you piped up.
You were quite certain you just kept getting stupider every time you opened your mouth.
"Look, see? She'll do it herself," Zoro retorted as he gestured to you.
"Zoro, you're going to help her! [NAME] only has one hand, in case you've forgotten!"
"Fine."
Nami tossed a mop each to the two of you. "Now get to work!"