A Summer of Tears

by ilmsih

After a summer of tears, Sonya begins her new school year. She remembers and relives the last couple years and wonders how she will ever be able to move on.

"The person who knows you the best can hurt you the worst," thought Sonya. Wasn't that true! She'd been through so much the past summer; how could she ever trust again?

The trouble really started in seventh grade. Sonya and Amelia had argued before, but never like this. It all began with one little note. "Sure, one little note that practically sparked the beginning of an all-out battle. Like the one shot that started the War for Independence. Or the assassination of the archduke that began World War I. Small things that created huge conflicts," thought Sonya.

Maybe it wouldn't have happened if Amelia had been clear as to what she was mad about. Or maybe Sonya overreacted a bit. Maybe both Amelia and Sonya took the situation out of context. Or perhaps each did what they thought was right and the other saw as wrong.

One thing Sonya was sure of was that the note was vague. Amelia danced around the point, never really coming out and saying what was on her mind, which is enough to frustrate anyone. Then, after going on about irrelevant issues and how mean Sonya was without really saying why, she ended with, "I hope you don't hate me now! I don't hate you!"

Sonya shuffled through some papers until she found the note. She scanned it for the millionth time. Lines jumped out at her, and she began to cry quietly to herself. She still couldn't believe that the girl she thought was her best friend could do this to her. Up until this point, she had at least felt tolerated. Now she felt abandoned and alone. She stopped participating in conversation and kept her mouth shut unless she was spoken to. She tried to ignore all of her "friends," especially Amelia. Instead of talking when there was free time in class, she opened her book and disappeared into a different world filled with murder and legal issues, but better than the world in which she was living. Her parents and teachers noticed a change, but Sonya was determined to prove that she could survive on her own.

Sonya opened her journal and began to read.

January 1, 2008

Today is New Year's Day! Amelia sent out an email thanking everyone for all they've done for her. She said that even though we've had fights, I helped her when no one else could. She said all good things about me, but I wouldn't know she liked me so much if it weren't for the email. She ignores me at school all the time. I wish she would either like me or not instead of sometimes liking me and sometimes not.

-Sonya

January 24, 2008

Today was Great Skate Night. Usually I love skating, but this time it was horrible. I was totally ignored the whole time. The only time people paid attention to me was when I fell down. Then they all came over and asked if I was okay. And then, as if by magic, when I go back up they skated away. I hate my life and sometimes I wish I didn't have to live it. Anything would be better than this.

-Sonya

She got the note in November of her seventh-grade year. By the end of February, Sonya couldn't take it anymore. Sick and tired of fighting, she called Amelia and worked out their problems. That night, she made matching purple, blue, and gold earrings and the next day gave one pair to Amelia. They were friends again, but not like they were before. The rest of the year went by without much drama.

Though it was wonderful to at least be on fairly good terms with Amelia, Sonya still felt left out at school. She began to notice yet another side of her. When they were alone together, in the car coming home or at the other's house for a sleepover, Sonya was good enough. But at school, where Amelia had all her other friends, Sonya may as well have been invisible. She was treated as if, and soon began to believe that, she was worthless. She would open her John Grisham book and vanish into his world of nasty lawyers, trials, murderers, and clients. At least she could lose herself into Grisham's world for a while before she faced her own again. She often wished she could be a part of the story, become one of the characters. It would be much more exciting than living in misery, always concerned about what she had done now to make her "friends" mad at her.

At last the year was over. Through the summer, Sonya called Amelia very often, but they only saw each other a couple of times, compared to almost every week the previous year. Sonya didn't recall seeing any of the other girls, either.

The first few weeks of the new school year, Sonya tried to be the model student. She had always done well, but now she raised her hand in class to answer questions and studied hard for tests and quizzes. As time went by, however, she began to feel lonely and stopped volunteering answers. Often she withheld her opinions even as she was bursting to shout them out.

But the first semester was a picnic compared to second semester. Likewise, January through April was a field day when the last two weeks of school were taken into account.

In November, the eighth grade girls picked each other's names out of a hat for a Secret Santa gift. Amelia picked Sonya, and Sonya picked Rylee.

Rylee was new this year. She had been homeschooled all her life and wanted nothing more than to go to school. Sonya bought her a heart locket and glued a picture of her crush inside. Amelia gave Sonya 100 Swarovski crystals, ten each of ten different colors.

The Christmas party passed smoothly, but out of habit, Sonya separated herself from the group and pretty much did her own thing. She was used to keeping her thoughts to herself, although sometimes she couldn't help it. The holidays soon passed, and she went back to school. Second semester was fairly uneventful until the end of April rolled around.

January 31, 2009

Today Amelia and I went to the mall for my birthday. It was SO much fun! It's so much better to hang out with her than have a big party with everyone. I know I can be myself around her.

We were in Deb for like, an hour and a half. It's so weird because usually I HATE trying on clothes, but with Amelia, it was fun. She found a dress for the Valentine's Day dance next month. It's black and white and comes down to her knees and it is SO cute on her! I like long dresses, and I found a royal blue one that looked beautiful, but it was $70. So not fair! But then I found a knee-length aqua blue one with sparkles on it at J. C. Penny's. Even though it's not the same, I love it! And the best part is that it's comfortable.

When we were finished in Deb, we looked in Aeropostale for a while and then the department stores. Macy's has such pretty jewelry, but it is SO expensive. Amelia said that we didn't have enough money to look at it, which is totally true.

We got some candles and then looked around in Claire's for a while. We found an assortment of earrings, bought them, and divided them. And I found some AWESOME nail polish!

So right now we're at my house and she's writing in her journal. When we got back from the mall, we had pizza and then she gave me her presents. One was a paint-by-number of a gray horse cantering in a field and the other was a dry-erase board with a mare and her foal on it. SO pretty! She always knows just what I like!

-Sonya

February 15, 2009

Yesterday was the Valentine's Day dance. It was SO much fun! I was going to wear the blue dress but the dance was informal! Like, Amelia's dad was going to drop us off but we saw people going in wearing jeans. Amelia was making such a huge deal about it. I love her, but she can be so concerned about what others think of her.

She was wearing her black and white dress, which is pretty but not that fancy. I don't know why she cares so much. I would have liked to go inside with my dress on. I don't care what other people think. Reverse the situation, a formal dance and I thought it was casual; and yeah, I should change. But I wouldn't mind going to an informal dance in a dress. Things like that just don't bother me like they do her.

Anyway, after we went back home to change, the dance was fun. I learned how to do the "Cupid Shuffle" and the "Macarena." I've never felt so…so free in my life. Maybe it's because I didn't know anyone. I guess I care more than I thought but I'm more nervous around friends than strangers.

-Sonya

Now, both Amelia and Sonya loved to sing, and both were very good. Amelia had sung solos in church plays, school plays and events, choir concerts, and talent shows. Sonya was too shy to sing in front of people, but she was sick of everyone praising Amelia all the time. She wanted to yell, "I can sing, too!" So when a student-led chapel was scheduled in April, she decided to perform a solo. In seventh grade, the choir had put on a dinner theater. Though they worked hard, there were a couple of songs cut from the performance. She chose the last song of the play, a short a cappella selection called "A Blessing."

After the worship songs, message, and short skits, Sonya took the microphone and began to sing. By the end, her knees were shaking so badly, she thought she might fall over. She managed to finish, and looked out nervously at the rest of the middle school. They applauded loudly, and she gratefully took her seat. When they were dismissed, some of her classmates congratulated her, but not nearly as much as they would Amelia, and Amelia did not say a word of praise.

"Of course," thought Sonya, "she couldn't stand me being better than her. Maybe I shouldn't have done it. I just don't understand why I couldn't be good at something for once."

That Friday was the awards ceremony. The sports teams were announced, the honor roll, the perfect attendance, the Deborah award. Finally, 100% Club members were called. This "club" had been "formed" at the beginning of the semester. The requirements were no unexcused absences or tardies, no incompletes, and 90% or above in all classes on 3rd and 4th quarter report cards. Sonya had tried so hard to make it, but then she wrote down the wrong due date for a project and got an incomplete in 3rd quarter. At the end of the quarter, she was listed as still qualifying for 100% Club. She'd fought an internal World War III over it. She knew she could get away with it, but she also knew she would never feel right about accepting the award – a $50 Visa – at the end of the year. Besides, she didn't want the money; she wanted the recognition and praise. In the end, Sonya did what she knew was right and told her teacher.

It just wasn't fair she remembered. Nothing ever was when Amelia was involved. She was everyone's best friend, every teacher's pet; the list went on and on.

For that particular project, the teacher handed out a list of options. Each student had to pick one, write a brief summary of what they planned to do, and hand it in. Both Sonya and Amelia chose to design a newspaper; Sonya on the Triple Crown; Amelia on the Great Depression.

Sonya worked for hours and hours on that newspaper. She researched the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and Belmont Stakes. She read articles about each of the winners of the Triple Crown and even included some pedigrees. She ended up with a 29-page paper, 19 of which she had written herself. The remaining ten were pedigrees that she had designed on the computer, lists of race winners that she had typed, and pictures. It was packed with information and fun facts – like Secretariat's fate was decided by a coin toss –, and Sonya thought it deserved an A+.

Amelia made her newspaper out of a sheet of poster board. It consisted of a single sheet folded in half. There was practically no information in it; she even copied an article of the time and put it in the paper. It was fairly empty of facts; it seemed to Sonya the hardest part was drawing the fancy . Of course, Amelia got 100%, constant praise from her classmates, and a "Great job!" from the teacher. Sonya didn't say a word.

The next day, Sonya presented her newspaper. She began to read all the interesting facts – like how Secretariat won the Belmont Stakes by 31 lengths! No one seemed to realize that it's hard to win the 1½ mile long Belmont, let alone by such a huge margin. Not one person in the class appreciated it, and all the teacher said was, "Make it short; we don't have much time."

Why was it that Sonya could work her heart out and receive nothing, but Amelia could throw a couple articles on a poster board and be congratulated as if she'd just won the Nobel Prize? It wasn't like Sonya wanted to be the center of attention, but it would have been nice to have her hard work praised. She ended up with a 90% and an incomplete because it was one day late.

However, Amelia had also had an incomplete in 3rd quarter, but she kept that important little piece of information to herself. So when her name was announced in April, Sonya was furious. Why was her own name cut from the list when she was honest? And Amelia was rewarded for lying? Now, no one had actually been presented with the Visa because final exams had yet to be taken and grades recorded. But Amelia, much as Sonya hated to admit it, was a good student. She would do well on the tests and get the Visa unless the teachers found her incomplete.

The next week, Sonya talked to her teacher about the situation. She couldn't stand to see Amelia get that card when she didn't deserve it! She asked Mrs. White to put her back on the list since the standards had been lowered. Naturally, she completely bombed the request and lost all chances of being in the club. In her head she knew what to say; she just couldn't put it into words. She'd meant to say, "There is an individual or individuals who is still in 100% Club but has an incomplete. At the end of 3rd quarter, I was on the list, but I had gotten an incomplete earlier, so I was honest and brought it to your attention. This individual also had an incomplete in 3rd quarter but didn't tell the truth. Since the standards were lowered for this person, I am now eligible for the club and would like to be put back in it." What she really said was more like, "There is an individual in 100% Club that does not live up to the standards. Since they were lowered, I want to be put back in." However, she did learn that Amelia would be taken off because of another incomplete in 4th quarter.

So one week after the awards ceremony, Sonya was helping to clean out the middle school rooms when the principal, Mrs. Harris, called her aside into Mrs. White's room. Sonya assumed it was about 100% Club, but somehow the mood suggested otherwise. Timidly, she asked, "Am I in trouble?" as if it wasn't obvious.

Though she knew something was wrong, Sonya was completely unprepared for what came next. "We've had reports of you saying the f-word under your breath in choir," Mrs. Harris dropped the bomb. Sonya was so shocked she didn't know what to do. In an instant, she was confused, angry, stunned, and furious at whoever would say that about her. All she could do was deny it. Yes, she mumbled under her breath. No, she didn't say cuss words. Yes, she talked to herself. No, she didn't say that Rylee was stupid. The conversation was still a blur in her mind. She talked to herself because she had no one else to talk to. She wanted to scream that so the whole school heard her. And then she was completely exhausted. She couldn't think anymore. All she knew was that she had been betrayed and stabbed in the back. The anger disappeared as quickly as it had come and was replaced by tears of sadness. And even though Mrs. Harris and Mrs. White said they believed her, she wasn't sure. After all, any trust she had in her classmates had been erased.

Sonya was close to crying, but she helped move supplies around the building. Having finished, she pulled papers out of their page protectors alone in a classroom. She was not ashamed as she sobbed, and she almost wanted Amelia to see her so she would know that her little scheme had worked. Even though she didn't have any proof, she would have bet anything that Amelia was involved in some way.

Over the weekend, Sonya thought about the accusations. She learned that a seventh-grader, Misty, was the one who had said these things. Sonya had never really liked Misty. There was just something about that girl…well, now she had a reason, not that it did her any good.

Monday morning, she asked Mrs. Harris if she could talk to Misty Wednesday after school. She wanted her father there for support. But of course, at the end of the day, Mrs. Harris took Sonya and Misty out of choir to talk.

First, Misty told Mrs. Harris, "I've heard her saying the f-word under her breath in choir. It's been bothering us for a while." She mentioned Rylee and Amelia's names specifically. Then she said, "She can deny it if she wants to, but I know what I heard." Her tone was stuck-up and told Sonya what her words didn't say, "I don't care if this isn't true; I hate you and I'm doing everything I can to get you in trouble. And you can't do a thing about it!"

Looking back, Sonya wished she could have spoken. She wanted to be a lawyer when she grew up; why didn't she act like it? She wanted to retort, "Who is us? Not only do you accuse me of cussing, but you also talk about me behind my back? Why didn't you just come to me if you really thought I said that? And realistically, why would I deny it if it was true? I obviously want to stay out of trouble, and if I lied, I'd be in even more trouble! Besides, I don't want a reputation as a liar!" All these things had been running through her mind, but she couldn't organize her thoughts into comprehendible sentences. She was crying too hard to be able to think clearly.

Next, Rylee accused her of saying the d-word; then, Amelia, the s-word. Sonya was ashamed, but she couldn't stop the tears. She had never said those words, but now she was so angry that she almost wanted to! She had known Amelia was involved; now she wished she knew how much. She only wanted to prove that Amelia made up the whole story to get her in trouble.

Now, both Misty and Rylee were new and had only known Sonya for a year. But Amelia…Amelia had been in school with Sonya since fourth grade. Sonya thought that after five years, Amelia would know that she would never use those words. Instead of going back to class, she went into the bathroom and cried. She didn't care if she got in trouble or if someone came in. She cried and cried until there were no more tears. At last, she returned to choir a few minutes before the bell rang. She felt betrayed and alone. Why hadn't she seen Amelia for what she was a long time ago?

Sonya went home that day defeated and depressed. Tomorrow was just a review for her finals in the morning and parties in the afternoon, and she begged to stay home. The last thing she wanted to do was face Amelia and Rylee and all the others. She ended up going in the morning and leaving just before lunch.

Wednesday and Thursday were half-days with three tests each morning. Sonya did very well, but she did not speak to her classmates. Thursday afternoon she went to another school friend, Alicia's house, with the other eighth grade girls to decorate T-shirts. She had to admit it was fun, or at least more fun than the previous days, and she did get a list of book titles from Alicia's bookshelf.

Ever since she was first accused, Sonya knew what she had to do. She'd dreaded Friday and half-wished it would never come. On one hand, she didn't want to continue feeling like she had the past week – it really had only been a week!? – but on the other, she wasn't looking forward to speaking her mind to Amelia's face.

But of course Thursday came and went and then it was Friday morning. Sixth, seventh, and eighth graders were to meet at the park for a couple hours and afterwards Charity was having a pool party for the entire class. The day before, Sonya declined the invitation, knowing she wouldn't be able to face Amelia or Rylee after the confrontation. Besides, she was sure they wouldn't want to see her ever again.

Sonya did her best to act like she cared; walking around with the group of girls, but the whole time a battle was being fought inside her. She knew what she had to say; she'd practiced, changed, perfected, and practiced again many times. After about an hour, she just couldn't take it anymore. She made her way back to the pavilion and picked up her cards. Originally, she planned to spend hours composing personalized notes, but when this happened, she decided to just write "Have a great summer! -Sonya." And she had designed necklace-bracelet-earring sets for everyone. They were made of beautiful, quality beads with sterling silver findings, and cost Sonya about $13 apiece, times seven girls and seven teachers…a huge out-of-pocket expense. Since the teachers had never done anything to hurt her, she gave them their presents and kept the others to sell. Of course, when she was betrayed like this, Sonya dug through jewelry she had made when she was just beginning. She pulled things out and matched them up, giving the nicest pieces to the nicest people, like Charity and Alicia. Amelia's bracelet, made of boring blue beads, was huge and would never fit her.

First, Sonya handed out her gifts to the girls who hadn't accused her. Then she called Amelia away from the others and held out the card. Before she let go of it, she looked her in the eye (as well as she could through those huge pink sunglasses) and said, "I want you to know this is really hard for me to do because of those lies you told about me, but I'm going to give this to you because it's the right thing to do." Even with the glasses, Sonya could see Amelia's mouth drop open in shock. Before she had a chance to reply, Sonya walked away. The scene was repeated with Rylee, and then Sonya left with her mother.

However, Sonya was still angry. Questions about the situation haunted her for weeks. Why had Amelia found it necessary to accuse her like this? How did she pull it off? Had it even been her idea, or had someone else come up with it? When had the plan been formulated? And what had she ever done to deserve this treatment? It hadn't occurred to her, and still she refused to admit, that Amelia, Rylee, and Misty may have actually thought she said those words.

Amelia was obviously furious, too. Sonya later heard she was devastated, that she had gone home and cried Friday afternoon. And while before, emails flew back and forth between them; now, nothing ever came. In fact, nothing had come since the end of April.

When Sonya returned home Friday, she felt as if someone had plunged a dagger into her heart. She ached all over, knowing she had just lost her only friends. This summer would be different than any other. It would be lonely. But she would be truly alone; no calling someone on the phone to talk when she was bored; no emailing about the fun vacations people were taking. For the first time in her life, Sonya felt like no one cared at all. She even thought that if she died, no one would be there to mourn. It was a horrible feeling, one that she didn't know how to change.

As the days and weeks went by, Sonya began to heal, but the anger didn't go away. One minute she would be depressed; the next she was furious. Whenever she thought of Amelia, she would either be angry at her or angry at herself. Why had Amelia done this, and why couldn't Sonya speak up instead of standing there crying pathetically? She was desperate for answers. She kept reliving those days over and over, saying the things she should have said, even though it would have gotten her in trouble. She'd read books about courtroom lawyers who tore the other side's witnesses' testimonies to shreds. Although Sonya wanted to be a patent lawyer, she thought it would be so much fun to make a witness look like an idiot on the stand, so why didn't she? The whole thing was similar to a trial except there weren't any lawyers. The two judges, Mrs. Harris and Mrs. White, called the witnesses for the prosecution, but the defense had no time to prepare. She didn't have any witnesses, which gave the other side an advantage. Even though the prosecution didn't have a lawyer either, they had witnesses who had been "counseled" on what to say and how to say it. When she really thought about it, Sonya was sure it was like something straight out of a John Grisham book.

Time went by and Sonya became more and more nervous about starting school. If the girls at her old school turned on her, who was to say these people wouldn't? She wasn't sure if the reward of friendship was worth the risk of betrayal.

Now she had been in high school for several weeks and was adjusting well. The anger gradually faded, though sometimes it would take her by surprise, and now it had been replaced by sadness. And even though it was hard, Sonya was moving on. She forced herself out of her comfort zone and did her best to make friends. It would be a slow recovery, but she was certainly on her way.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Sonya reached over and turned her alarm clock off. She'd just had a horrible nightmare! Groaning, she reluctantly got out of her warm bed. These late fall mornings were so cold! After a few minutes, she was fully awake. When she was brushing her hair, she happened to glance over at her earring tree. A certain pair caught her eye. She slowly set down the brush and carefully took the earrings off the display. It hadn't been a dream, after all.

They were long dangles, purple and blue and gold, one of the prettiest pairs she'd ever made. But that wasn't what she thought of when she saw them. For Sonya had made these earrings for Amelia after they had become friends again in seventh grade. Amelia had a matching pair – or at least she'd been given a matching pair.

Back then, the earrings had been shiny and new, representing a fresh start. Now, the silver plating had worn off, revealing the ugly base metals inside. Rusted and unwearable, they had revealed the outcome of Amelia's friendship long before their farewell. Sonya stood there staring at the jewelry for a long time. Finally, she picked up the earrings, walked outside to the dumpster, and dropped them in. Now she couldn't get them back even if she wanted to.