Decisions

28th August 2009

He wants so much to be with Christian. Since their friendship has developed, he wants to be with him; wants to spend time with him, hold him, touch him, share his life with him, share secrets with him.... share his bed with him, as opposed to always sleeping in Christian's.

He wants Christian to fully understand how he feels about him, wants to tell him that he loves the way he's always thinking about him, checking in with him; that he loves the way he touches him, kisses him, caresses him and makes him feel special like he's the only other person around for miles. He loves it when Christian smiles his cheeky grin and when he's happy because he just glows. He loves how he cares so deeply about people and how he accepts everyone for who they are and what they do whether they're gay, straight, bi, black, white, male, female – to Christian, as long as your heart's in the right place that's okay by him.

He loves Christian but he's scared to tell him. He knows that love is such a strong word; surely Christian already knows how he feels about him? He wishes he could tell his friends how he feels about Christian, but there's something stopping him – morals, values, his family, his upbringing. It's all so very complicated. Another time, another place – that old cliché ... unfortunately, a very true cliché.

Then there's Amira; beautiful, demanding, frustrating Amira. She's faithful, trusting, fun but there's something not quite right about her. He wishes he could feel more for her, wishes that he were excited about their upcoming nuptials and their future together. He wished so hard that the spark he first felt when they got together was still there; at least that way it would be easier to pretend that the kisses Amira gave him were happily, romantically received. That when Amira held him and caressed him that he didn't have to fake a believable response

He wished that he didn't have to pretend to his ecstatic, erratic mother whenever she spoke of the wedding plans. Zainab was so thrilled when he and Amira had announced their engagement. In the beginning, he had been thrilled. Yet, at the engagement party all he had really wanted to do was to spend time with Christian – he looked so beautiful in that suit. He secretly wanted to rip it off him and have him there and then; not sure how the neighbours would've felt about that though...!

What frustrated him about this relationship with Amira was that in the beginning it had been so very important to him; Amira was the first woman that he'd actually wanted to have a serious relationship with. Sure, there had been other girls but none that had really meant anything. With Amira he could relax, he could have fun, chill out; he could be himself. Only, as his relationship with Christian has developed, he's not actually sure who "himself" is. With Christian there is a new, intriguing attraction. Previous homosexual encounters have left him wanting more. With Christian, he's found his chance to get more. Only for him to get what he wants from his relationship with Christian, he would have to finish with Amira.

She would understand; he was sure of it. Maybe, initially, she would be upset, angry, confused but she's a modern woman, she likes Christian... she would be fine – wouldn't she?

Society, the Muslim community, on the other hand would surely not treat him so kindly. Once again, he would be an outcast; he would re-adopt that 'black sheep' title that he'd spent so hard of late to shed. Ultimately, it came down to this:

What was more important to him? His family values and their respect, or the happiness he could achieve from a relationship with an amazing, fun, beautiful, caring guy?

CJS©