Chapter I: All I Believe In
The trees enshrouded the road ahead of me like a page out of a story book. I rolled down the window to welcome the light breeze. As I rounded each bend, the forest looked to be closing in on me. I'd been driving for about three hours, and it was beginning to take its toll. I didn't let it bother me. Forks was something out of a dream. Deep in the forests was where I belonged. So what the hell was I doing living in Boston? Opportunities- or so I thought. After graduating college, I went to where I knew the jobs were, not to where I'd be happiest. This is what makes me happy - these tall beautiful trees, tranquility and not a person in sight. Every day back in the city, early in the day just as the dawn would break, I went for long walks. I would walk and walk until the back of my feet were sore hoping that eventually the city would end. I convinced myself that if I kept walking there would suddenly be trees and a lush forest. It was stupid, but I wanted so desperately to escape.
I checked my gps. She was being awfully quiet for a few miles. No signal. Of course. In the written instructions given to me, I was told to turn onto a dirt road. I don't know how I could miss it, the instructions were perfectly clear. I rolled my eyes and continued driving. In the distance I could see a mysterious figure. Had to be at least 22 or 23, walking along the side of the road. I leaned in close to my steering wheel to get a better look. It was a woman. Her fists were clinched in anger, yet stricken with grief. As my vehicle approached closer, she turned around and shot a glance at me through the windshield, then darted into the forest faster than a speeding bullet. I jumped in surprise. What was that about?
I finally found the dirt road, probably- probably not. I was probably horribly lost. Oh well. As I continued down the dirt road I saw a dark brown craftsman cabin home approaching. I arrived. Whew. As I approached the home, a woman a little older than me stepped out of the house. She stood on the porch, and smiled brightly, yet I could sense something uneasy about her – even from a distance. I parked my car and I stepped out onto a beautifully scenic property. Plants overgrown, yet somehow that looked intentional, the sound of birds chirping harmoniously and animals scurrying through the bushes. The woman on the porch began to approach me, and the closer she tread the more clearly I saw her face -and her scar.
"Hello. My name is Emily!" I held out my hand for a handshake, but she flung her arms around me. I was a bit taken aback. When she pulled away, I finally noticed the scar that stretched from the top of her eye socket to the bottom of her cheek. It looked like she'd been attacked by an animal of some kind and it wasn't pretty. I decided not to draw attention to it. I tried to maintain eye contact instead, but that may have been much worse.
"Hi! I'm Emmy! I'm the one who will be conducting, uh, the research." I fumbled. Idiot. First impression made me sound like a clumsy student. Before I could continue to beat myself up, a man in a wheelchair came barreling out of the house after Emily.
"I figured. I'm Emily and that is Billy." She said. She then moved out of the way to allow Billy to roll up in front of me.
"Hello," he paused for a moment to shake my hand while maintaining very intense eye contact. "It's such a pleasure to finally meet you." He paused again for a second to convey his sincerity. "I'm truly moved by the work you're doing and I speak for everyone in the tribe when I say that we are grateful to have you."
I didn't know how to react. I have never been to a tribe leader who has commended my work so sincerely. They're often skeptical of me and the efficacy of my study. However, Billy's eyes almost looked to swell up in tears.
"Thank you very much for such a warm welcome. I- I'm flattered."
"Alright. You can get an autograph inside Billy. I've got chicken in the oven and the record is about 15 seconds before it's all gone. So, we better get a move on before the boys get here." Said Emily smiling confidently.
"Let me get your bag." Offered Billy.
"Oh no, no, no! You don't have to-"
"Of course I don't." he started as wheeled himself towards my trunk. "I want to." I immediately popped the trunk. He didn't seem like the type of guy who liked to be argued with.
"Let me help you with that, Billy." Said Emily.
"I got it, Emily. I'm no less capable than I was yesterday." He huffed as he lifted my duffle onto his lap. Emily shrugged slightly.
"Come on, Emmy before the boys get here!" bellowed Emily.
As we entered the dining room, I saw a tan, muscular man sitting at the table shirtless eating a huge piece of chicken. "Too late." He joked. My attention was immediately drawn to the tattoo on his right shoulder. I was sort of drawn to it. I couldn't quite discern what the tattoo represented, but some part of me wanted to figure it out.
"Jacob! Put that down! Guests first!" Emily stormed over, slapped his wrists and sighed. Her high pitched yell shocked me back to attention.
I began to notice his dark spikey hair and chiseled face. His expression was indifferent. His eyebrows were arched downwards and his eyes were slightly squinted making him look rather intense. I couldn't tell if he was very upset or had a constant resting bitch face. However, I couldn't help but notice that he was incredibly handsome. There was something different about him that I've never seen that at other tribes.
He exhaled in frustration, then let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Whatever." Jacob mumbled with a mouth full of chicken. "I'm gonna go get the others." He got up slowly and began to walk with fists clinched towards the door. He stopped in front of me then looked down at his feet. He seemed to be holding back the words he really wanted to say. He looked up at me and whispered, "Welcome to the tribe." His glare was so severe that I grew afraid. He then smiled briefly, looked down then headed out the door.
For the next hour, me, Emily and Billy talked uninterrupted about the details of my research. I was to stay three weeks to observe the tribe and study Native American mental illness and the increased capacity towards depression, and suicide and to seek out alternative methods to decrease these tendencies. In plain English, I was studying depression in Native American tribes and figuring out ways to decrease suicides. They have the highest suicide rate of any ethnicity in all of North America, and I wanted to fix that. If you asked me a year ago, I would never have thought my research would take me all the way to Forks, Washington. I was just some girl from a small town who wanted to make a difference, now I'm actually doing something. But something seemed so bizarre about this place. There was a strange energy in the atmosphere that tugged at me to explore and the awkward presence among the tribal members peaked my curiosity. They laid out strict guidelines, such as an 8pm curfew, no venturing too deep into the woods (apparently there have been a few incidents in the past), and to schedule times to interact with tribal members instead of following them around. It was a bit inhibiting to say the least, but all I needed was the chance. Still, I could sense that they were trying to protect me. From what?
Emily escorted me to my room upstairs and opened the door. The room flooded with natural light and beautiful distressed wood floors. My twin bed sat next to the window, and an old wooden dresser stood immediately next to the door. There was also a quaint little desk in the corner by the closet with a metal desk lamp, and encyclopedias on top.
"It isn't much but,-"
"No, no. It's perfect. Thank you!" I cooed sweetly. As I stepped in the room, I paused for a second and turned around to face Emily. "So, are you uncomfortable with my research?" I asked sheepishly. Emily looked down at her feet.
"I'm just worried about how the boys will treat you." She said nervously.
Treat me?
"They're very close, you see. And they may not take kindly to a stranger prodding around in their lives, but I like you, so maybe-"
"Don't worry about me! I've dealt with similar stuff at other tribes, I can handle it." I interrupted
"Oh! I forgot something. I'll be right back!" Then Emily scurried down the hall.
Although I was confident that I could handle myself, Emily's words made me a bit nervous. I was always one to allow my ambition to push me to places I've often been unable to deal with. However, I'm very good at hiding the fact that I'm overwhelmed or uncomfortable. It's a skill I had to learn. Though, I couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed here in Forks. Emily seemed genuinely concerned about my well-being, and Jacob's welcome was anything less than warm.
Where did Jacob go? Wasn't he supposed to return with the others? I sighed. I'll deal with that tomorrow. I threw my my suitcase on the bed. It bounced and landed on the bed with a muffled thud. The impact from the suitcase created an updraft of air on my face and brought to my attention a distinct smell. Very outdoorsy. Fortunately, I have never been one to care very much about scents. Besides, I love the smell of the outdoors. It often compels me to get off my ass and go be a person. I stopped unpacking when I heard footsteps at my door frame. Speak of the devil. It was Jacob, but this time a pale, red-faced haired girl hid slightly behind him.
"Jacob." Well that introduction was brief. I should have expected no less. "You're Emmy, right?" he asked.
"Yeah, It's a pleasure to meet you." I replied sweetly. He scoffed under his breath.
"Well, welcome to the Black Tribe."
"Thanks. I appreciate it." I said uneasily.
"This is Renesmee." He said using his head to gesture towards the porcelain doll looking girl who stepped out beside him.
As she smiled at me, I felt a cold shiver travel down my spine. She somehow terrified me. It was as though she could see through my eyes and into a deeper part of me. Her gaze turned me into stone for a moment. I felt rather vulnerable, as though there was nothing I could hide from her. She tilted her head in curiosity. She looked puzzled. I tried to bring my mind back to reality. Who is this girl and why is she so,… ethereal?
"I came to give you a friendly warning about the others. They've-" he stopped for a moment. "Well, we've all been through some stuff."
"I completely understand." I quickly replied.
He scoffed again. His stature was very bold and confident. He looked like a person who was curt and short tempered, while Renesmee embodied everything that was pure as honey, soft and merciful. The two were like day and night. However, I didn't make much of it. There was already a lot I was trying to take in.
Jacob smiled and said, "You're cool with me and Nessie. You seem kind and happy, but word of advice for when you meet the rest of the pack, don't be."
My smile suddenly sank as Jacob walked out.
"It was very nice to meet you Emmy." Renesmee said in almost a whisper. Her angelic tone send chills up my spine again.
What the hell do you mean don't be? Ugh. Everything about that guy pressed my nerves. How did a guy like that end up in a relationship with a girl like her at all? Why did Jacob refer the guys as a "pack"? Like a wolf pack? I shrugged it off and decided to revisit these questions later. However, I grew more and more anxious because the questions were beginning to pile up.
As I unpacked I heard the howl of a single wolf through the window. I stopped and began walking towards it. As I approached, I felt as though the trees called to me and each step I took was a pull towards the tranquil forest. I stood in the window and began to lose myself in the scenery. Free. All the trees, grass, birds and animals of the forests were free. Free from the constraints of the world and the crippling expectations. Just free. Suddenly, I heard the howling again. I closed my eyes and listened. The howling seemed familiar to me. I've heard those cries and I've felt that pain before. The wolf should be with a pack, but was all alone. Maybe it was mourning a loss. I know the feeling. Suddenly, I heard someone step into the room. The sound shocked me out of the trance and I turned around with a sense of urgency
"Emmy? You okay?" Emily asked carefully after pausing to give me a strange look.
"Yeah, uh. Yeah, I'm sorry. The scenery here is just beautiful. Guess I just-. Well, we don't have many forests back in the city."
"I can imagine." Emily said as a matter of factly. Emily sat down on my bed next to my suitcase. "So, what's your story? Why'd you come all the way to Forks, out of all places, to study Natives?" She looked concerned yet intrigued to hear why I'd subject myself to northern Washington.
"Well." I sighed. I walked over and sat next to her. As the began to sun set, the room grew dimmer and a beam of light lit up the floor beneath my feet. "I found out that I'm part Native American four years ago." I started. "My dad's Black Foot. Apparently his mother was taken from their tribes at a very young age. So I was reunited with my tribe after many years, and I met a girl named Susannah who had become my best friend in the tribe. We were both of mixed blood. Her life showed me the reality that Natives suffered in poverty, mental illness and in great loss. I worked out her emotions with her until one day. One day, it just consumed her. She decided that everything was worthless. Her father abused drugs and alcohol and her mother could barely gather the resources to feed her and her family. She believed too much had been taken from her." I paused for several moments and Emily quickly realized the situation, and she bowed her head sorrowfully. "After that I promised her family and myself that I'd do whatever it took to prevent something like that from ever happening again. Problem is, the government doesn't care and there is no action being taken. So I'm here to learn how to do it myself."
"I'm terribly sorry." There was a brief moment of silence. All that could be heard was the swaying of the trees through the window. Finally, Emily broke the silence.
"Did you ever feel the way she did?"
"Yes." I answered swiftly. "I felt exactly as she felt. They kidnapped and killed my family claiming that it was for the sake of a new nation. They raped and destroyed, yet,… I forgive them. I'm still standing and I want to help others do the same."
Emily smiled the most deeply moved smile I'd ever seen. She then got up and walked towards the door.
"I'm glad you're here, Emmy."
I smiled brightly, "Me too."
Emily smiled and left. I listened to the sound of her footsteps through the hallway and down the stairs, once they were no longer audible, a tear rolled down my face slowly. Suddenly, the wolf howling returned. I wiped away the tears as I listened. I know that pain.