Ok, I'm owning it. I like torturing Touya. My working title for this fic before I actually picked a real one was, "Let's Torture Touya". Not sure what this says about me, but there we go. Enjoy :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go or any of its characters. I only own my own ideas.

It must be the nerves, Touya decided. Otherwise, there would have been no logical reason for him to make such a request. His mother seemed to agree with him. Touya could almost hear her voice catch, even though she was thousands of miles away and their phone connection was grainy at best.

"Sorry," Touya apologized quickly. "Never mind. Tell father to enjoy his game. Taiwanese play is always interesting. I look forward to seeing the kifu."

"Akira-san." Touya hated how sympathetic her voice sounded. "I'm sorry we're missing your game. I know your father wanted to be there." That was a lie, and his mother knew that Touya would know it was a lie, which just made it worse. His father had only been to two of his matches in the last five years, and had never stayed for more than an hour or so. But somehow, this game felt different. It was the seventh and final game in the Meijin title matches. If Touya beat Kurata-san tomorrow (and his odds were excellent considering the lead he had when they had sealed the move earlier), he would be the Meijin. An impressive feat for an 18 year old, and one he hoped would make his father proud. Maybe that was what had prompted him to say something selfish like, "I wish father was here for the match," to his mother. He hadn't meant to say it. He had never requested anything from his parents before. It just sort of slipped out before he could think it through.

Touya mumbled something about getting some sleep to his mother and hung up the phone. He lay down on the futon and closed his eyes. He had plenty of other things to think about besides his father. When he became the challenger for the Meijin title two months ago, he had decided that, if he won, he was going to tell Hikaru how he felt about him. He wasn't really sure at that point that he would be able to actually beat Kurata, but it had been excellent motivation, and now that the title was almost in his grasp, he allowed the nervous energy to spread through him.

"I have to win first," he said to the empty hotel room. He took a deep breath and switched his thoughts back to go. "I'll play on the lower left. Black is still sparse there, there are a few moku up for grabs if I can connect out…"

oooooooooooooooooo

"I can't believe you're going to get a title before me," Hikaru said to him across the breakfast table. Touya glared at him.

"It's not really all that surprising. Besides, I haven't won yet."

"Yeah, but you're going to. I can feel it." Touya rolled his eyes to cover the rising blush he felt at Hikaru's vote of confidence. Why was he so in love with this person? Even he himself couldn't explain it. Hikaru was everything that Touya wasn't: loud, impolite, confident, athletic. Hikaru could make a room light up just by walking in the door, while Touya always wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible. Not that he could really do that around go players, but still. Hikaru wore his heart on his sleeve, while Touya bottled everything up inside. Maybe that was why he had slipped on the phone with his mother last night. Maybe Hikaru was finally rubbing off on him. Or maybe the thought of actually confessing to Hikaru that he had been hopelessly in love with him since he was twelve years old was making other emotions and desires surface as well. Touya shook his head. He needed to think about his game. Kurata-san would eat him alive if he was distracted.

"Treat me to something when you win ok," Hikaru said, his grin splitting his face in half. "You'll have more prize money than you know what to do with."

Oh don't worry, I have plenty of treats in store for you.

"Why should I have to treat you to anything Shindou?" Touya said, trying desperately to pull his mind out of the gutter.

"I'll treat you to something when I win a title." Touya smirked.

"Like that'll ever happen."

"Hey!" Hikaru said, but the glee in his eyes didn't match his look of righteous indignation. Touya saw the record keeper heading over to their table.

"Touya-sensei," she said. "It's time to start."

"Let Kurata-san have it Touya," Hikaru said, and Touya had to try very hard not to smile.

The game proceeded well and Touya managed to hold on to his lead. He could see beads of sweat on Kurata-san's face despite the cool room, and he started tapping his knee nervously. Touya felt more than a little proud of the fact that he had managed to come so far.

I might actually win this. I might actually become the Meijin.

He tried not to let those thoughts consume him. They could only be dangerous, and if he made a mistake at this point, it was over.

Maybe it was because his thoughts were momentarily pulled from the game by his flash of premature pride, or maybe it was because Kurata-san had literally been thinking about his next move for an hour, but Touya noticed that the chief observer had left the room, and there was an unusual amount of commotion in the hall, despite the fact that a title match was being played five feet away. There were worried voices and nervous whispers, followed by shushing sounds whenever someone spoke too loudly. Touya couldn't make out what they were saying, but he decided that if it was really important, someone would tell him, and for now, he was best served by focusing on his game. Kurata finally played, and Touya forgot all about what was going on in the hallway and buried himself in go.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

When the match broke for lunch, Touya was feeling pretty good about himself. Kurata had managed to gain a bit of territory, but Touya had wormed his way past his defenses in the center, and now his victory was all but guaranteed. As long as he didn't make a mistake in the end game, the title was as good as his. The room filled with official observers, reporters, and various pros as the contingent filed in to take everyone to lunch. Touya knew then that something was off. Ogata and several of the reporters were ashen-faced and Ashiwara looked like he had been crying. No one would meet his eyes.

"Is everything ok?" he asked. Now everyone was actively avoiding looking at him. Someone elbowed their way through the crowd, and Touya saw with some sense of relief that it was Hikaru. Counter to everyone else in the room, Hikaru flashed him a brilliant smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes, but it made Touya feel a bit less concerned.

"Let's go for a walk," he said. "You're not eating anyway right?" The room breathed a collective sigh of relief at Hikaru's overture, and Touya allowed himself to be pulled out of the room.

"What's going on," Touya asked as they made their way out of the ryokan. "Everyone seemed so upset." Hikaru waved his hands.

"Don't worry about it. Everyone's just so emotional that you're going to win a title. The youngest Meijin ever! It's a big deal." Touya wasn't entirely convinced, but it didn't look like Hikaru was going to say anything else, so he let it go.

The ryokan had a lovely Japanese garden, complete with a koi pond and old stone bridge. Maple and sakura trees lined the walkways and Touya could smell the sweet scent of freshly cut grass. They walked through the gardens in companionable silence, enjoying the beauty of the place. The light filtering through the leaves hit Hikaru just right, highlighting the boyish cheeks he never lost and his perfect lips that Touya desperately wanted to cover with his own.

Maybe I'll tell him right here. Tonight, after I've won. I'll bring him out here, while the moon is out so he can't see me blush and I'll tell him I love him.

The thought made him smile and he felt excited and nervous all over again, but more convinced than ever that this was what he wanted to do. Today, on this perfect day, in this perfect garden, he would tell Hikaru everything.

"Hey Touya," Hikaru said. Touya turned to him. Hikaru was running his fingers through his hair. Touya wanted to do that too. Hikaru gave him a sincere look, and Touya felt his stomach catch on fire despite himself.

"Yeah."

"You know I'm always here for you, right? Like, always. No matter what." Touya felt his breath catch. Was Hikaru confessing to him? Now? In the middle of a match? Not that he would mind, but still.

"We should go back," Hikaru said. "Wouldn't want you to lose your title by being late." Touya felt just a tinge of disappointment that Hikaru wasn't actually confessing to him, but he shook it off. It didn't matter. The next time he talked to Hikaru, he would be the Meijin. And maybe, if he hadn't been reading the signals wrong, Hikaru's boyfriend.

ooooooooooooooooooo

"I resign." Touya had heard those words many, many times in his life, but this time was by far the best.

"Gahh, I can't believe it!" Kurata groaned over the sound of camera flashes. "You out-read me in the opening and never let me come back, you little brat."

"Was I supposed to?" Touya asked, knowing he was being every bit a little brat and for once, not caring in the slightest. He had won! He was the Meijin! Oh Kami, he was the Meijin! He let that thought wash over him like a warm glow spreading through every inch of his body. Touya never thought too much about his victories, but this one felt good. He wanted to hear what his father thought of the game. Maybe he would tell Touya he played well, for once. And he couldn't wait to get Hikaru alone. They'd discuss the game and then…

Touya's thoughts were derailed by the arrival of the contingent.

"Congratulations Touya Meijin," Ogata said, clapping him on the shoulder and squeezing harder than was necessary. "Your father…would be proud." He said the words without emotion, like they were hard for him to say, and Touya raised an eyebrow. Ogata had never said anything like that to him. The rest of the contingent was much as they had been earlier, lost and dejected and avoiding him, mumbling forced congratulations out of the corner of their mouths. Touya had been to several title matches, both his own and others, but he had never seen anything like this. The somber mood was getting a bit alarming.

"Are we going to discuss the match?" he asked, reverting to the extreme politeness that he always defaulted to whenever he was in an uncomfortable situation. The contingent looked at each other warily, clearly wondering how to answer his question.

"Akira-kun," Ogata said, squeezing his shoulder again. "This morning…"

"Wait," Hikaru said, finally making it to the front of the throng. "I'll tell him." Ogata gave Hikaru an appraising look before nodding and stepping away from Touya so that Hikaru could come closer.

"Tell me what?" Touya asked, starting to feel a bit panicked at the serious and furtive way everyone was acting. Hikaru took his arm, and despite the mood in the room, Touya felt the contact like a rush of electricity.

"Not here." No one seemed concerned that Hikaru steered Touya out of the room and down the hall. In fact, Touya could actually hear several sighs of relief.

Hikaru led Touya out into the garden again and sat them down on a bench. He took a deep breath and turned so that they were facing each other. His eyes were stormy, Touya noted. Stormy and sad.

"Touya, this morning, your parents booked a flight from Taipei to Tokyo. They were on their way to the airport when..." Hikaru paused and closed his eyes for a moment. His voice shook when he next spoke. "When their taxi was hit by a car. They…they died instantly."

Touya didn't react right away. He felt numb, like he couldn't feel his limbs.

"But…" he said, unsure who was speaking. Was that his voice? It didn't sound like his voice. "But they weren't supposed to come back until next week."

"I guess your dad wanted to see your game." Ice crawled through Touya's veins like he had been injected with it. He felt dizzy and nauseous and faint. His fault. It was his fault. His parents were dead, and it was all his fault! If only he hadn't been selfish last night, if only he hadn't let slip to his mother what he was really feeling, if only his greatest moment of weakness hadn't been so…

And then he did throw up, right onto the pavement. Hikaru brushed his hair out of his face and rubbed his back while he dry heaved, but he barely registered it. This had to be a joke. A sick joke. It couldn't be real, it just couldn't! And then, because minds do strange things when consumed by emotions they aren't prepared to handle, Touya remembered the commotion in the hall, and the strange mood at lunch.

"You knew," he said, and he wasn't sure why there was so much poison in his voice, but there was, and he didn't care just then. His shock and grief and guilt were suffocating him, and anger felt like a more palatable emotion. "You knew before lunch. You took me out here, you had me alone, and you didn't tell me!" Hikaru sighed.

"We talked about it. Me, Ogata-san, Ashiwara-san and the rest of the contingent. We debated whether we should tell you right away or wait until the match was over."

"My parents were dead and you didn't tell me because I was playing a board game?!" Yes, rage was definitely a better emotion. Rage, he knew what do to with. Especially rage directed at Hikaru. Hikaru looked affronted. Maybe because Touya had just referred to go as a "board game".

"It was a title match!" Hikaru yelled back. "It was an important game for you, and it's not like telling you earlier so you could resign a game everyone knew you could win would have changed anything!" Touya wanted to punch him. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that Hikaru was right, and that Touya probably would have done the same thing in similar circumstances, but he didn't want to think about that right now. Overwhelming despair was threatening to consume him, and he wasn't ready to give up anger yet. He thought he might actually drown if he did.

Unfortunately, Hikaru was not in the mood to fight with him. He reached out and tenderly touched Touya's arm.

"Tell me what you need, Touya," he said. "I'll do anything." Hikaru's words and gestures broke Touya. His anger dissipated in a flash of smoke, and left such a heavy load of grief and pain that Touya actually felt it, like a punch to the gut.

"I just…I think I need to be alone," Touya managed to say. As much as he wanted to collapse into Hikaru's arms, he felt he didn't deserve it, and he did not need Hikaru to sit there and watch him fall completely to pieces. Hikaru, to his eternal credit, seemed reluctant to leave, but eventually caved to the pleading look Touya gave him.

"I'll be in my room," he said. "I'll wait all night, so come find me if you need to." He gave Touya's arm another squeeze and headed back into the ryokan.

Touya shoved the heels of his palms into his burning eyes.

I killed my parents. My parents are dead and it's my fault!

Touya let his tears fall as he cried harder than he ever had in his life.