Disclaimer: Blah blah, I don't own anything besides what doesn't make sense. This applies to the whole darned story. I was inspired by C. Claire's hilarious, amazing, fantastic The Very Secret Diaries of Middle Earth series. Enjoy!

June 23, 1991

Stupid fat turd Dudley. Getting me in trouble and locked in this stupid cupboard again. His fat arse probably swallowed the stupid glass when no one was looking.

Too bad the snake didn't bite him.

Blast.

Ah, it'll be fine. He'll probably die of heart failure one day anyway.

My scar itches.

July 6, 1991

Dudley didn't explode. That makes me sad.

Still in stupid cupboard.

July 24, 1991

A letter came for me, how strange. Stupid Dursley's burned it though. But oh well, I got out of the stupid cupboard! Whoo!!!

Scar tickled when I found randy magazines under Dudley's old bed.

July 25, 1991

Another letter came. Idiot uncle Vernon burned it first.

Grr, it makes the scar mad.

July 26, 1991

Woke up at six to get mail before Vernon does. He slept in the hall and caught me. Three more arrived.

July 27, 1991

Twelve letters came. Vernon's paranoid now. He's boarded up all cracks by the windows and doors. I hope he goes completely mad.

I want one of those damn letters.

Maybe my scar will start shouting out laser beams at them. That'd be cool. Pew pew!

July 28, 1991

Twenty four letters came through the egg cartons. Petunia shredded them in the food processor. I hope she forgets to wash it out and eats it.

July 29, 1991

More letters arriving. Maybe thirty or came pouring through the chimney. I'm not really sure. I'm not that good at math. It was pretty cool, like something from a Star Wars movie.

Vernon's started frothing at the mouth and now we're spending the night at some crummy hotel.

I kinda hope he doesn't go completely go mad.

July 30, 1991

At least a hundred letters came for me at the front desk today. Vernon drove us to some stupid hut on a rock called the "Hut On The Rock." There's a big storm outside now.

It's almost my birthday! In 10, 9, 8, 7, 6....

July 31, 1991

Big, hairy giant named Hagrid burst through door last night with his super duper umbrella wand thing. He gave me the letter.

Guess what? I'm a wizard! The whole magical load of stuff and all! I've been invited to go to some school called Hoggywarts. Hogwarts is a stupid sounding name.

Hagrid took me to this cool wizard town called Diagon Alley to buy stuff for Hoggywarts. Met some stuck up kid at the clothes store. His name was Dragon, or something like that. He insulted Hagrid. What a meanie.

Even if he has cool looking helmet space astronaut hair.