Dean isn't ready to say goodbye.
Dean had toughed he'd be ready, that's what he said to everybody, but now standing here under this streetlight, saying goodbye felt like he had to craved his heart out of his chest. And still, this felt worse.
Castiel's eyes are fixed up to the sky. The civil war was over. There was no threat of the Apocalypse. It is Castiel's time to leave the Earth and return home, to Heaven.
Sam had already said his goodbyes, so had Bobby. Dean wasn't sure what Sam and Cas had been talking about, probably something about God and Heaven. This religious stuff had always been more important to Sam than Dean. Bobby, of course, had offered Castiel his last beer on Earth.
It had been almost midnight when Castiel was ready to leave. The only thing bothering him was Dean, who had closed himself in one of the bedrooms of Bobby's place. The hunter had stated that he hated goodbyes and were going to spend the night alone, and when he would wake up in the morning Cas would be gone. These words had broken Castiel's heart.
Castiel walked down to the bedrooms door. He didn't knock the door, Dean already knew Cas was there.
"Go away. Leave me the fuck alone," the hunter grunted from the bed. He really didn't want to do this.
"Dean, I just want to say goodbye," Castiel sighed. The beer had relaxed him, but his voice still had the sad tone in it.
"Well, good-bye!" Dean got up stroking his hair. Dean didn't hide his annoyance from Castiel. He wanted to be honest to his friend till the end.
Yes, Castiel really was his friend. If someone had asked Dean right after he'd met Cas, if they were ever going to be friends Dean would've said fuck no, really. At first Cas hadn't felt like a friend. He was something threading, scary and so much powerful than Dean had ever seen. Cas had been bossy and always talking about some God's bigger plan. Cas had been irritating. And Dean had believed they would never be friends. That Castiel would leave straight after defeating Lilith. But like people say, something just happened.
Castiel opened the door slowly. Dean turned his back at the angel and scoffed in his hand.
"I told you you leave me the fuck alone," but Castiel didn't care. He walked to Dean and sat down on the bed next to the annoyed hunter.
"I know this is hard for you. But do you think this is easy for me?" Dean turned to face the angel and finally he saw the sadness in Cas' blue eyes.
"Well then I'm just making this easy for you. Just leave and never look back. Forget this shit. Just fucking leave."
"You sound like you want me to leave," Castiel kept his hands in his lap and his lips tight together, eyes fixed on Dean's. Maybe that's why the angel looks even more sad. Dean stood up and threw his hands to the air.
"Of course I want you to go! You're an angel, for god's sake! You belong in Heaven, not in this crap-hole!"
Castiel lowered his head, glared at the floor and puts his hands to the pockets of the trench coat.
"I like this crap-hole. It's my home," Castiel whispered, so that Dean could barely hear his words, but kept his gaze fixed to the floor. Dean stepped two steps closer Cas, frowning.
"Home? You call this shit-hole your home?" Castiel just nodded as an answer."And what on earth makes this place a home to you?"
Castiel raised his head to meet Dean's gaze. "You."
Dean turns to face Castiel. The angel obviously feels someone gazing him, and lowers his head from the sky.
"You're ready?" Dean asks a sad smile on his face. Castiel has the same serious look on his face like he normally does. He nods and takes a few steps closer to Dean. Dean lets out an awkward laugh.
"Yeah… I guess this is it," Dean states stretching his hand at Castiel for a hand shake. Castiel takes Dean's hand and pulls the hunter in a tight hug. At first Dean is surprised and awkward but he realizes that Cas really needs this. He hugs back and the two men stay like that for a long time that feels like forever.
When the time passes by they both just grabs harder of each other, never wanting to let go. When Castiel finally lets go of Dean and backs off, feels Dean so empty, like Cas stole his heart during the hug. The truth was that the angel had stolen the hunters heart already a long time ago.
They stands inches away of each other. Dean can feel Castiel's breath on his lips and Castiel can clearly see every little scar Dean has on his face. Not wanting to face angel's way too blue eyes, Dean shuts his own eyes. He can feel the tears building up behind his eyelids but he doesn't care. He decides just let the tears stream down his face.
He's loosing his angel. He's loosing his friend. He's loosing his Cas.
A hand on his face makes Dean open his eyes in a second. There's Cas, drying his tears, cupping his face.
"This is it," Castiel smiles and leans for a tender butterfly kiss. The kiss in short, and it makes Dean wants more. He brings his hand to Castiel's waist, another hand left on the angel's right arm. He leans slowly into a deep kiss, stealing a little of Cas' breath. Cas' hand finds Dean's neck, pulling them into a deeper, more passionate kiss, at the same time pulling Dean closer from his waist.
The emotions are overwhelming. All the sadness, all the sorrow. Desperation and passion. The love and hate, why do you have to go and leave me?
The kiss lasts forever. Or it would've if Cas wouldn't brake the angel smiles at the hunter who just nods in approval. Dean had known this day would come. For Castiel to be able to stay here on Earth, he would have to Fall, and that's something Dean didn't want to happen. He didn't want Castiel to sacrifice himself to be able to stay with Dean. Cas was an angel. Dean was human. This was just how it was meant to be from the start. Profound bond or not.
"Goodbye Cas." Dean doesn't smile, he can't bring himself to that.
"Goodbye Dean. And remember, your prayers will always reach me," Castiel says taking Deans hand. Dean chuckles a little.
"You know me Cas, I'm not such a praying man," but Castiel just smiles holding Dean's hand in his.
"Goodbye," and with that Castiel let go of Dean's hand, steps a few steps back and raises his gaze to the Heaven. There's bright light coming from Castiel's blue eyes, then his whole body is covered by white light, so that Dean has to close his eyes. And last, there's this dull sound of explosion, and Castiel is gone. And Dean feels the tears streaming down his face.
It's been six moths since Castiel had left. Knowing how delicate the subject was, Sam hadn't mentioned or asked anything about Castiel. They had just continued their life; saving people, hunting things.
But every night, after Dean and Sam got back to some cheap-ass motel to get some sleep, Dean prayed for Cas to come back. Of course that dick never came or answered anything. So Dean just had to be satisfied remembering the feeling of Cas' lips against his, how red, smooth, wet and open they had been. And that's why Dean could see his angel in his dreams. That's why Cas came every night to Dean's dreams.