Behind the Shell: The Life of Bowser

Today's the day Bowser gets interviewed by a koopa filming crew. What could possibly go wrong…?

Introduction

"Okay, ready?" asked a member of the film crew.

"Yeah, yeah. I got this."

"All right. Speed, aaannnd...action." said the camerakoopa.

"Right. Hi, this is Bowser, age...57, and this is the story of my life. You may think plotting to defeat Mario while housing eight kids sounds easy, but you're extremely wrong. I spend day after day after day thinking of anything that Mario is afraid of--"

"DAD!!"

"Finding out his weaknesses--"

"DAD!!"

"Trying to cause any type of misery--"

"DAD!"

Bowser shut his eyes and began rubbing his head.

"Spending countless hours--"

"DAD!!"

"DADDY'S GETTING INTERVIEWED, JUNIOR!!" Bowser yelled

Bowser Jr. and Roy Koopa entered his room.

"Roy backed up the toilet again!"

"I did not!"

"You used the bathroom last! I could hear you downstairs, it sounded like an earthquake!"

"Well I'm sorry that frozen potato salad messes with my colon, but I did not back it up again!"

"Yeah, you did!"

"You were flushing water balloons down the toilet!"

"...So?"

"Junior, why were you flushing water balloons down the toilet?!" asked Bowser.

"I wanted to see if they'd pop!"

"See dad? He clogged the toilet! Make him unclog it! ...Is that a camera? COOL!! I'm on TV!"

"HEY! I wanna be on TV!"

"You're too ugly for TV, Junior."

"You're too ugly, Roy!"

"No, you are!"

"You are!"

"You are!"

"You are!"

They started wrestling with each other and shouting in each other's ears.

"GO UNCLOG THE TOILET!!" yelled Roy.

"NOO!!"

Bowser sighed exasperatedly.

"Aren't you gonna stop 'em?" asked the camerakoppa.

"No. They're doing all the work for me. ...Wanna get breakfast?"

"Sure."

Breakfast

Bowser and his film crew were at Bowser's favorite diner, Rots for Mots.

"So this is your favorite place to eat breakfast?" asked a film member.

"Who doesn't like Rots for Mots? Hey, Joe! You like Rots for Mots?"

"Are you kidding Lord Bowser? I've been eating here for the last 12 years!" said Joe, a koopatrol guard.

"Hey, is that a camera crew? COOL! I'm on TV! I wanna give a shout-out--"

"Back to me." said Bowser, turning the camera to his face.

"You always eat at Rots for Mots, or is this a weekly breakfast thing?"

"Always eat at Rots for Mots. Always."

"What do they serve here anyway?"

Bowser opened a red package with a Goomba on it, revealing six red rotten eggs. The smell was enough to make some of the crew gag.

"Ugh, Bowser! You eat rotten eggs for breakfast?!" asked the camerakoopa.

Bowser stuffed two in his mouth.

"Of course I do! Eggs are like wine: the longer it sits out, the better it taste. It's not the only thing I eat though."

"What else then?"

"Koopa chili and a burrito stuffed with green cheese and spicy meatballs."

"Wow, that's a lotta protein!"

"You think I got this big by exercise?" asked Bowser, flexing his muscles.

"Don't you mean that fat? How much you weigh Bowser? 15,000 pounds?" joked a film member.

Bowser looked at him angrily and cracked his knuckles, slowly walking towards the koopa.

"...Why are you looking at me like that? Bowser, no!"

Please excuse us. We are experiencing technical difficulties.

Bowser was hungrily slurping the Koopa chili and biting the burrito. Somewhere in between, he put a few eggs into his mouth.

"Ooookaaaay, Bowser...I didn't know you were this hungry in the morning."

Bowser burped and said, "Yeah, I've built up my appetite over the years."

"I didn't know you were this violent either. Did you see what he did to that koopa?"

"Shut up, Paul! This is supposed to be intended for kids!"

After a few minutes, Bowser finished his breakfast and sighed.

"What next Bowser?"

Gassy Tactics

"Cool situation room Bowser!" said the camerakoopa.

Bowser and the koopa film crew were inside Bowser's personal tactics room. It was where he thought about the various plots and actions that hurt Mario in anyway possible.

"What do you do in order to come with an idea?" asked Paul.

"Easy. First I--"

Bowser was interrupted by loud flatulence.

He laughed and said, "Oops." while scratching the back of his head.

Most of the film crew groaned.

"I cannot believe you farted Bowser! Gosh, it stinks!"

"I'm not sorry about it; protein gives me power! ...And really bad gas."

Bowser passed gas again.

"WHOO!! That was a big one!"

"My head is starting to hurt. You're giving me a skull fracture with your smelly gas!" said Paul.

"That sounded cool, Bowser! Like ketchup getting squeezed out of a bottle!"

Bowser's stomach growled deeply. "Well here, let's get another demonstration!"

He lifted his leg and farted deeply, his tail flipping back and forth like a piece of paper in a fan. The smell was horrible.

"Yeah...I love that sound."

"WILL YOU STOP THAT!!" yelled Paul.

"All right, fine. Jeez, I guess you never got gas from eating rotten eggs before."

"No I haven't. Now let's continue. What do you plan--"

The film crew heard a loud airy squeak and knew Bowser laid another stink bomb.

"Dang it, those silent but deadly ones always sneak up on me." Bowser laughed.

"CUT! CUT! Stop the tape! Stop it now! I cannot work with you if you're gonna fart in my face all day! Just go to a commercial!"

"But Paul--" said the camerakoopa.

"COMMERCIAL!!"

We'll be right back after these short messages.