We begin this story on a Saturday afternoon. Remus Lupin is walking nonchalantly to the library, a few books in hand, when he spots Sirius Black hurtling toward him at an incredible speed.
"Remus! REEEEEEMUUUUS!"
"Ow…was there any need to crash into me, Sirius?"
"Yes! Lucius is headed this way!"
"….Your point is?"
"Someone snitched about the map and we're going to die if he finds us! DIE, I tell you! For Merlin's sake, Remus…do you want to die?!? Run with me!"
"No! No-- I don't want to die! Who told? What should we do? There's no escaping--GAH!"
"Ok…I think we're safe here."
"Erm…Sirius?"
"Hmm?"
"This is a broom cupboard."
"Oh…why yes it is, Moons. Very good observing."
"Why did you drag me into a broom cupboard? And don't ruffle my hair."
"To hide from Lucius, like I said."
"Why couldn't we have hidden in the Gryffindor common room or -SIRIUS!"
"…Yes?"
"WHY ARE YOU GRABBING MY HIPS?!?"
"Oh, am I? Sorry, it's dark in here."
"Can I please light my wand then?"
"No…I'd rather just feel around."
"WHAT?!?"
"You know, your voice is really squeaky right now."
"Does that have anything to do with where your hands are?"
"Yes."
"What does it have to do with--BLOODY HELL SIRIUS!"
"I'm sorry, are my hands cold?"
"Oh yes, Sirius. That's exactly why I screamed."
"You like it…I have proof down here."
"Take your hands out of my pants."
"Fine, have it your way."
"…"
"…"
"So…what's new in your life, Moony?"
"Hmm, well I think I just got molested by my best friend."
"Aww, you think I'm your best friend? That's so sweet."
"Molested, Sirius. Molested."
"It's only molestation if the other person is unwilling"
"Are you saying that I enjoyed that?"
"Me….and your erection. We both think you enjoyed it. Don't lie to your best friend."
"Sirius…"
"I mean, after all those romantic nights under the full moon, and every time you get a nightmare, you end up in my bed, and what about last year after we snuck into the Yule Ball and you-"
"Sirius!"
"What?"
"Shut up and kiss me."
"What?"
"You heard me. Before I change my mind."
(a few minutes later)
"mmm…Remus?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you still willing?"
"What?! I m-mean…erm...yes. I'm w-willing."
"That's the spirit…now if I could just get this one button to--ah. Got it."
"S-s-sirius?"
"Shh…"
"Mmm…Sirius…SIRIUS!"
"Are you alright?"
"I…I need-d to s-s-sit down-n…"
"I'm sorry, Moons. Go ahead. I'll sit with you."
"Sirius?"
"Yeah?"
"Lucius never was after us, was he?"
"Nope."
"So, you just made it all up to get me alone in a closet with you."
"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds so…"
"So much like something you would do."
"Only if I really really wanted something."
"And today that something was me?"
"Today…yesterday…last year…"
"Really?"
"Well…yeah."
"That's bizarrely patient of you to wait that long for me to figure it out."
"I surprise people sometimes."
"So do…I!"
(several minutes later)
"Ack! The light!"
"REMUS?!? SIRIUS?!?"
"Erm….hey, James. What brings you to this cupboard?"
"Sirius…?"
"Yes, Prongs?"
"Why was Remus sucking your-"
"Erm…anyway, you never answered Moon's question."
"I was looking for both of you, and the map said you were in here. I thought Snivellus might have actually jinxed you, and you were like…and then I saw you… and Remus was… Merlin."
"James…like Snape could actually take either of us."
"Zip up your pants please."
"Right…well if I could say a few words--"
"And YOU! Remus…quiet, bookish, why didn't I see it before!"
"Erm…James?"
"What?"
"Confundo"
"Very nice, Moons. Now…where were we?"
This story comes to a close with a shut closet door and a very confused James Potter walking into walls every few minutes trying to get to the Gryffindor common room. Luckily, he is spotted by Transfiguration teacher Albus Dumbledore, who is able to break the Confundus Charm. Remus and Sirius are yelled at promptly by James as soon as the two reenter the common room half an hour later.