Summary: The first time Jay showed up at the Emergency Room in the middle of the night – showering him with weird questions – he really thought that his brother was hurt, sick or something.
Warning : A mention of anxiety disorder.
Author's Note : I want to make this as one shot series. Everytime I have some plot bunnies that has something to do with some healing process, I'll post it here under Recovery Series. Enjoy the story :)
Disclaimer : CPD and CMed and their characters belong to NBC and the production team. Hold Me, the title is from Jamestown Story's song.
Recovery Series
Hold Me
by SingleMinded
The first time Jay showed up at the Emergency Room in the middle of the night – showering him with weird questions – he really thought that his brother was hurt, sick or something. He didn't even look so good so he assumed that Jay was really sick.
"Hey Will."
Will spun around his chair towards the door, looking at the source of the familiar voice. His brother was standing at the doorcase – cladded in blue jeans and white hoodie.
"H… hey yourself. " He stuttered, surprised at the sudden visit – because it was 2 am, nobody visiting anybody at that time.
But Jay stood there with no further words, just smiling at Manning – who Will kind of forgot had still being there – as they were having a conversation about a new case.
She smiled back, feeling awkward all of the sudden – quickly got a feeling that she wasn't needed there.
"I'll… leave you two alone." She nodded at Will, grabbing her IPad from the table before leaving the room.
Will managed to mouth an apology where she just politely whispered "It's okay."
"So, what's up?"
Jay didn't seem to be interested in answering his question. He just seemed nervous, looking around the room until his eyes fixed into the grey couch at the side of the room.
"You guys sleep there when you have night shift?"
Will turned around, looking at the said object before looking back at Jay with a questioning look.
"No, we have on-call room. Nobody really use that couch at night."
Will waited, thinking that the real conversation would come soon. But to his surprise, Jay just walked into the room to the now attention-grabbing subject and sat slowly on the three seater, grey fabric couch. And now as Jay was sitting closer to him, he did manage to take a closer look at his younger brother.
His slightly pale face with at least some colour to the eyebags and sleepy-red eyes, the addition of thin stubble didn't do him justice – because when he mixed it all, Jay really looked miserable.
Or sick.
"Are you sick?"
"Can I sleep here?" There, he answered the question with another question and Will knew by heart that something was really wrong because Jay only did that if he tried to avoid something.
"Jay…" He stood up, ready to step to his brother, closing the gap. His intention was only to check his brother up, to make sure if he was really sick or not.
But his move struck another idea into Jay's head when suddenly he too, stood up – matching up Will's standing frame.
The older Halstead stood still, deadlock at his space. Nobody moved.
"It's okay if I can't. I… I don't have to sleep here." Stuttered, it was crystal clear that he sounded disappointed.
"Jay…"
Will managed to grab his brother's arm as the younger man tried to make his path to the door. They looked at each other for a split second. Will could see the troubled in the face and as he looked deeper in the eyes, he was taken aback.
That look….
His eyes caught the calendar at the wall.
Damn it. How can I forgot about it?
And now as he put two and two together, he cursed himself – how stupid he was to think that Jay was over it. He always thought that it was just a one-off condition happened a year after their mom's death – exactly around the time of the anniversary.
…
"Hello," He answered groggily. It was 4 in the morning.
"Mom…" It was Jay's voice.
"Jay?"
"She died alone." He was wide awake at his brother's distressed voice.
"Jay, are you okay?"
"I was home but I wasn't there, beside her. She died alone, and I wasn't there." He heard a sob.
"Jay, calm down, what happened?"
There was only silence after that but he knew his brother was still there – at the end of the line. After like three minutes of silence, he heard the huff – a long intake of breath and a sigh.
"I'm… I'm sorry. For waking you up." And just like that, the call was ended.
He spent another 2 hours calling his brother back – which obviously rejected everytime.
Until he woke up again that morning – late for his class – just to read a simple text from his brother.
'Just, don't let me die alone. Love ya.'
…
"Doctor Halstead," Hannah, the new nurse called him from the door – pulling him back from the seven-year-old memory.
His hand was still gripping Jay's arm – who looked rather annoyed at that.
"Give me a minute," he said to the nurse and turned his attention back to the younger sibling.
Adding another grip to Jay's other arm, he pulled the man to the couch – practically dragged his muscular younger brother down to sit on the seat.
"I want you to stay. Please."
"No, it's okay. I…." Jay's voice quivered, trying to refuse.
"Please," Will pleaded intently, making sure that his brother knew that he meant it.
After a couple of seconds, he was sure that his brother wasn't going anywhere as Jay looked down in defeat.
Patting his brother's back a few times, he straightened up his posture. "I'll be back."
Sighing slowly – he took one last look behind his back before leaving the room.
...
He returned after half an hour just to find his brother sleeping peacefully on the couch – with a blanket wrapped around him.
One hour before his shift ended, the couch was empty without him realising it.
The same routine happened for another two night-shifts after that – this time, without much speech uttered. At the third night, he even found his brother already fast asleep on the couch – also discovering that Maggie was the one wrapping the blanket around his brother.
And that was the last time it happened. Except a short 'thank you' text he received right after Jay left for work the next day after that – the whole thing was left unsaid.
They lived their lives as usual, in the same apartment – like nothing happened.
'Just, don't let me die alone. Love ya.'
The words was played inside his head like a broken tape.
Jay was afraid to die alone – after some consult from Doctor Charles, he diagnosed it as some anxiety attack. He knew, it was not the end yet. Maybe, they would experience it again in the future because he knew by heard that it was a disorder that won't be cured – it just could be reduced.
He didn't know what happened on the same date for the past six years. He wasn't there before.
But he was here now.
And it was a promise.
The End.
Well, there it is. Sorry if the closure is a lil off. Also, I kinda noticed that I always wrote something about anxiety, PTSD and some sort of emotional / mental health. Because I've experienced it for a few times – I mean the anxiety. I even had ECG test for that, thinking that I had a heart attack but it's not. So, when the doctor diagnosed it as anxiety, the diagnosis itself reduced the stress and every single symptoms I had experienced before were gone, just like that. It happened again time after time but it's manageable so I knew it will not be cured but you can manage it. So, because of the experience, maybe that's why I like to wrote about it.
Review will make me happy :)