Again, this was inspired by the song Eternal by Ishihara Shinichi. This is the companion piece to Eternal.
Warnings: inexplicit m/m sex.
Disclaimer: I do not own Ai no Kusabi or any characters therein. I make no money from anything.
He sets you free. You do not know why he does it. You hope it means that he's bored of you and will leave you alone from now on. You know you're probably just grasping but you can't help but hope. You try to forget and to go back to Ceres as if you'd never left. But Eos haunts you and you can't shake the feeling that everyone knows what has happened, although you know that if they did know then you'd be attacked at the very least. Whoever heard of a mongrel becoming a Pet anyway? In an effort to forget everything you take up with Guy again, although he pales in comparison to Iason.
The first night you sleep with Guy, you wake up, calling Iason's name. Guy thankfully doesn't wake up and you are left to sit out the rest of the endless night in silence, only your heavy sighs breaking it. It happens again the second night and the third and the fourth and the fifth until you lose count. You try to ignore how much it hurts; you don't want to admit it, but you miss him and it hurts more than you thought it would. It hurts more than it should. It hurts. You want to get these emotions out, but you can't talk to anyone. You don't dare go to Katze. Katze understands, you know. You can tell that he wants Iason. He doesn't resent you, but he won't appreciate you talking about how much you miss Iason. Not that you'd tell anyone that anyone, let alone Katze. You try to convince yourself you don't miss him.
It doesn't work.
You stop pairing with Guy when you see long blond hair and cold blue eyes instead of Guy. You look at him and he's Iason, just for a second. And then it's gone and you look away because Guy isn't Iason and you don't want him to be. You try to find a few other men, but soon enough you notice that they're all blond and tall and have blue eyes. They're not normal. They're all flattered by your attention and they give you what they can, but it's not enough. You stop then and you spend long nights on your bed, half dreaming.
Don't let me go, you say. Iason laughs and he takes all your chains off and sends you away and you don't know what to do. You sob and beg and then he kneels before you and his eyes are beautiful and soft and you don't want them to ever be cold and cruel again.
Don't leave me, he says and then he disappears and it was a dream, just a dream, just a nightmare. You don't want to dream of that, you don't want to beg for Iason to keep you when all you've ever wanted was to be free again. You've never wanted to be Iason's. You belong only to yourself and you don't believe your dream. You don't believe in anything. There are no higher powers, no gods, no goddesses. There is only Jupiter and there is only Iason. And to you, Jupiter is a distant figure, so really there is only Iason. He is the only higher power you believe in and you hate him for it. He controlled you and you hate him, you hate him, you hate him.
When he kissed you, his lips were so warm. He warmed your lips. You dream of his kisses, warm and passionate and something you'd never felt before. You dream he kisses you soft and gentle and you give him kisses back and his face creases with an emotion you don't want to name and you hate this dream, you hate it, you hate it, you hate him. He took everything from you and even now you can't escape. You want to be free, but still he holds you back, ties you down and stakes his claim. Don't let me go, you say in a dream. But you wish he would. You want to be free. Free of Iason's shadow, free to do as you please.
You wake up, calling in the night. You think for a moment, a second that you're in his bed, wrists sore from struggling against his bonds. But no, you are in you your bed and you hate it; your heart pounds in your chest at the thought of him. You don't know why. You want it to be fear, you want to be afraid and you are, but it's not only fear. You hate it and you hate him and still your heart pounds and still you do not name that second emotion, that one that's worse than fear. Night after night, you call out to him. You try to forget and yet you can't. Your dreams become even more tangled, even stranger and you don't understand when you cry in front of him and he rips out your heart and you cry bloody tears for him. Your heart thumps in your chest and you ache to reach for him but you don't, you can't, you won't. Your heart is crying, an old man says to you. He has the glint of madness in his eyes and you hate that you know he's speaking the truth.
He appears before you in Midas and you fight the need to run from him – run to him – you fight it and Kirie chases him instead; Kirie with his mismatched eyes and easy smile, Kirie with his belief that Iason won't simply use him up and throw him away. You dream of Pets and chimeras and Iason and Kirie that night and you see yourself, small and ignored, bound in chains and begging on Iason's bed. You watch yourself begging silently and Iason ignores you and his eyes rest on Kirie and you hate them both except you don't because Kirie is young and stupid and Iason is Iason and you can his hear silent words to the you on his bed. Don't leave me, Iason says and it is all he says and you want to say you won't, you can't, but the dream ends and you wake up calling in the night.
Kirie brings back memories with him. He disappears and comes back richer and more naive. He's a fool you think and you know Iason is using him. You don't know why, you don't want to know why, he just is. Kirie brings back memories of you, before you met Iason. Cocky and dumb and untouchable. You're not untouchable. Iason isn't untouchable. Everyone can be broken. He broke you, that first time. That first, bitter time. It had hurt and he hadn't cared and you don't want to remember that. You want to shut it away, the memory of that time. You want it to disappear, even more than you want Iason to disappear. Both should be gone, now and forever, but especially that memory.
You see him everywhere and you get scared. Kirie carries himself like Iason. Iason haunts your every step and when you take a pairing partner again, he looks like Iason and he acts like Iason and you send him away because you can't bear it. Everywhere you look he's there and he's always in your dreams and every night, every sleepless empty night you wake up, calling his name. You can see nothing but Iason all around you and it is sending you mad and you don't want it anymore.
Don't tell me, don't say anything at all, he says. You don't understand and you say you hate him and he smiles and his lips cover yours and he steals your voice. You can't talk, you can only moan as his kisses, his warm, gentle kisses become heated and passionate. You moan and arch beneath him and he fills you and you never want to forget this. Everything else, but this. This you would keep. This heat, this feeling, Iason above you and around you and inside you and his beautiful face creased with desire and you want to fall into this heat forever. This you understand, this you want, this you can call and moan for. He has not bound you, he might let you loose and yet you stay. You stay because he has asked and he has not demanded. And then you wake and it was just a dream, just a mirage.
The next night you dream of silence. You dream of silence and words of love and caring. You dream of broken chains and gentle arms around you. You dream of soft kisses and you dream I love you are words you never have to say. You dream of his smile and when you wake you try to forget because that is a dream you will never have. It is too far, too distant and you wish you'd never dreamt it because now you have hope that one day you will have that remote dream. You close your eyes and sigh and you can see him sighing too, high in Eos while you hide in the slums of Ceres. You wish you could see that faraway place. Not because you want to return there, but so you can remember why you left. You don't believe your own thoughts.
You wake, calling in the night. Night after night you call his name. And yet, he never replies.
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.
Rethira