AN : The song I imagine her dacing to is Try by Pink. My Mother just bought the cd so it's on all the time now!But it's a very lovely song, the video is actually where I got the dance idea form. I wrote that part first so I hope this all makes sense.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer - I own nothing!
Rachel had been making dinner in the kitchen with Mike when she heard her phone ringing down the hall. She ran to her room to catch it, answering the phone with a chirpy "Hi baby!".
She and Noah had been together since the summer before college. Things with her and Finn had ended after he sent her to New York on the train and when she came back to Lima to finish off her summer vacation it was Noah she looked to for friendship. While he'd told everyone at school he was going to LA after graduation, that summer Rachel's love for New York City had convinced him to go with her. She told him he could only see what it was like and then move to LA if it wasn't what he wanted. But as their relationship grew it became more and more obvious that Noah was never moving to LA, they had found one another and wanted to see where it could take them. And so, three years later they were still together and still in New York. She was fresh out of college, Noah had been going to a Community College while working in a couple of different places and they had moved in with Mike Chang who had also decided to try his hand at the city.
Then everything changed, that summer they went back to Lima for a break before their lives really took off and everything was perfect until Noah's Mom was diagnosed with cancer. Rachel would never forget sitting in their living room as his mother told them she was dying. The doctors had said there was nothing they could do for her, so it was best she go home and live the last few months of her life how she wanted to. She would still have to go for appointments but they were doubtful that they could help her. That night she sat in Noah's bed and held him while he cried, crying her own tears with him. She promised she would stay with him for as long as he needed her, that New York could wait for her, her family was more important than anything else. So she stayed, helping Noah with his sister Sarah, helping around the house when his Mom was too tired and generally being there for the man she loved.
She knew she was doing this for him, staying for him and she wanted to be there, but she knew and he knew that she missed New York. She had been ready to take on Broadway until this had happened and she missed it. She missed the atmosphere and the people, but mostly she missed performing. As much as they all tried, everyone in that house knew what was going to happen and she felt singing and dancing were hardly appropriate and really not that important. As much as Noah asked her to she didn't feel right singing in that house, and she didn't really want to. So when a job at a production company for theatre programmes caught her eye she applied. It couldn't hurt, and she'd probably not get the job, but it would be some money in her pocket to fall back on when she started auditioning. The catch – it was in New York. They still had their apartment, Mike had stayed in the city to make sure their apartment came to no harm, but she didn't think she could leave Noah to deal with everything on his own. He of course had a different opinion, telling her to go to the interview she got, and then to move back to New York when she was offered the job. He promised that he would be with her as soon as he could, a pain taking over his voice when they both realised what would have to happen for him to finally make it back to her.
Within a week she was back in New York, missing Noah and his family, but loving being back in the city and enjoying her job. Living with Mike was as easy as ever, they fell back in to their old routines. They even started practising together as a local dance studio, helping each other with the different forms of dance they were strongest at. Before she knew it she had been in the city for two months, wishing Noah was here with her but understanding and being as supportive as she could be despite the distance.
So when she answered her phone and all she heard on the end was his breathing she knew something was wrong. Her heart felt like it was going to burst through her chest as she desperately asked him to tell her what was wrong.
"I need you."
That was all he would say, the break in his voice making it obvious that he wasn't coping very well with everything at home.
"Noah, what is it? Is it your Mom? Has something happened to her? Baby, you're scaring me."
"No, I just need you. I need you here. I can't do this Rachel, I can't be here without you. I need you." The emotion in his voice was heart breaking, the way it wavered and changed constantly was so unlike him. His usual tone of self assuredness was gone and in its place was a wave of sadness and panic that she hardly ever heard from him.
"What can't you do? What do you need me to do?" She asked, tears forming in her eyes as she begged him to tell her what was wrong.
"I need you to come back."
"Noah, you know I can't just come back. I have my job and plane tickets are expensive. Baby I wish that I -"
"Are you serious?" He interrupted, the anger in his voice rising as he continued, "I need you here Rachel, you said you'd be here if I needed you and you're telling me your job is more important? Your job is more important than your family?!"
"That's not what I mean Noah." She replied trying to keep her voice calm, "But it's the middle of the week, I can't just come back to Lima."
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU RIGHT NOW!" he yelled down the phone, using a tone she'd heard him use only occasionally and never with her. It scared her, but the calming tones she used to try to soothe him only seemed to make it worse. Finally she shouted back,
"YOU TOLD ME TO COME HERE! I didn't want to leave you but you said I needed to go. That you understood that I was meant to be in New York. That my life was New York and that it was better if I came back. I wanted to stay with you!" The tears flowed freely from her eyes, her final sentence coming out as more of a sob than a shout.
He was silent on the other end of the phone as she continued to cry, she knew he could hear her and she knew he hated when she cried. He told her that he never wanted to make her cry, that every time she did he would do everything she wanted if it would make her stop but his next words didn't make her stop.
"I can't do this." He paused, "I can't deal with this right now."
"Noah," she begged, "Noah please. I'm sorry, I wish I could come but -"
He interrupted her again, "I've got to go. I'll erm, I'll talk to you later or whatever."
"Wait, Noah don't..." she tried to get out as the phone line went dead. She couldn't help the sobs that escaped her once more, curling up on herself where she sat on the edge of her bed. She rested her face against her legs as she cried, the air around her thick and hard to take in.
Mike came in a few minutes later, sitting down to comfort her when he saw the mess she was in.
"Are you ok?" he asked, his voice laced with concern. He had obviously heard her one sided argument from in the kitchen and not dared come to see her until now. She shook her heard as she sat up, leaning against his shoulder. His hand moved to her back, rubbing it slowly as she tried to control her breathing.
"He hates me." She whispered, not trusting her voice with more volume.
Mike turned to look at her, took in her red puffy eyes and cheeks, the places where her make up had smudged. "He doesn't hate you." He offered, "He just misses you."
He held her as started to cry once more, their dinner forgotten about until she had fallen asleep on her bed and he returned to the kitchen to give her some space.
As much as he wanted to talk to her, Noah couldn't get past what had happened that night. It had been a week since their fight, a week of his surly mood and short temper. Everyone knew he'd had a fight with Rachel, that was obvious not only from his attitude but because they'd all heard him shouting at her that night. She hadn't tried to get in touch with him and he couldn't blame her. But he'd been upset and needed her and how easily she had told him she couldn't had hurt him. He always put on a brave face when he spoke to her, reassuring her that she was doing the right thing, and the one time he actually showed her how he felt she didn't care. Or at least that's how he felt.
He was trying his hardest to not let her affect his ability to look after his family, but missing her was a constant feeling and sometimes he just wanted to see her. He wanted to go to sleep with her again, and hear her singing in the shower and it was killing him that he couldn't be with her in New York. He knew she was hurting too, but she was at least getting her dreams, he was stuck waiting for his mother to die in a town he never wanted to be stuck in again.
When he went to bed that night and looked at his phone he found he had a text message from her. Check your emails. That was all it said, no I love you. No I'm sorry. Just check your emails. He figured maybe she'd sent him a heartfelt apology but that wasn't what he found in his inbox. When he opened her message he found a video embedded, a message above reading : Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. You gotta get up and try, try and try. From the moment he pressed play he found he couldn't turn away, couldn't not watch what she had sent to him.
It started with her sat on the floor, knees curled up to her chest as the music began. Mike walks over to her from his position across the room, slowly reaching for her hand and starting to spin her where she sits, her legs uncurling and stretching up before her feet return to the floor. Using her same hand he pulls her slowly, her body tensing so she'll stand, before he pulls her hard and quick and she falls towards the nearest wall. She regains her balance, pushing herself from the wall and spinning back towards him. He catches her, dips her back quickly and then pushes her away again, turning his back to her.
They walk away from each other, steps perfectly in time before Rachel turns, runs the short distance between them and throws herself at Mike's back. They spin, Rachel clinging to him as it looks like Mike tries to dislodge her. She falls to the floor again, pushing herself away with her feet, lying still on the ground as Mike stalks around her. She reaches for him but he pushes her hands away. She drops them to the floor, spread to her sides like a martyr he thinks.
Mike then crouches at her feet, slowly he stretches himself along the length of her body, positioning himself above her, and lowers his upper body towards hers as they stare up at each other. As the music rises she pushes him with both hands, both of them rolling in opposite directions then rising to their feet effortlessly. Rachel runs towards him again, hands in front of her but he catches them, swooping her between his legs before letting go. She sits up, reaches her arms up and he pushes her to her feet.
This time Mike moves towards Rachel stopping behind her before raising her arm and then the next with his own, letting them fall loosely to her sides each time. He them takes her hands, crossing them across her chest, and covering the line of her back with his own, arching their backs and bending forwards. Rachel's arms shoot outwards, pushing him away before trying to run. Her grabs her waist, lifting her seamlessly in to the air, one arm hung over her head, the other out to the side, one leg bent at the knee while the other stays rigidly straight. They spin for a second before Mike eases her down, facing one another they move together, hands caressing each other, Rachel being spun before she comes back, landing across Mike's body while he pulls her backwards with him, one foot dragging across the floor in their wake.
They separate, hands still clasped. He spins her, ending again with her back to his, hands crossed against her chest. He moves her hands to her sides as he used his legs to move hers, inching them towards the camera. Suddenly Mike pushes her forward keeping her hands in his so her arms are pulled behind her, her face is inches away from the lens. He can see the look in her eye she has when he's with her, she's imagining him stood there in front of the camera. It feels like forever passes, her eyes staring out of the screen, the rise and fall of her chest in time with the music. But then as the music rises again, Mike pulls her backwards, curling her arms in his around her body before lifting her off the ground and spinning away, her legs bent and held in the air as they move.
Upon his release she lifts her arms up, as Mike moves down her body, his hands trailing down her sides. When he reaches the floor she uses her foot to kick at his chest, sending him backwards where he does a backward roll into a standing position. Standing alone now, they mirror each other, arms being drawn up and across their bodies, a leg being pulled back as they spin slowly together, Rachel ending facing Mike.
Slowly they walk towards each other, both taking small steps to the sides occasionally as if hesitating, until they finally reach each other. Mike places her arms over his shoulder before he lifts her, using her thigh as support, her other leg bent softly at the knee curling behind her. They spin slowly before he lowers her to the ground, to her starting position before walking off camera. Rachel sits there for a second before the video ends, but the image of her remains burned in his mind. The soft jumper she'd had on, her leggings, the way her hair fell across her face, her eyes staring out at him from behind the camera.
After staring at the blank screen for at least a minute, he finally notices the subject line – How I feel when I'm with you. It burns against his eyes, and as much as he wanted to call her he knew it was too late. He went to bed with the image of her throwing herself against his back playing over and over in his dreams, the way she'd so desperately tried to get Mike to hold on to her, for him to hold on to her in the dream on a never ending loop.
He calls her from his bed the next morning, his sleep was fitful at best, her eyes in that video waking him up every couple of hours. When she answers with a soft "Hello" he can tell she was in bed too, she's always soft and quiet in the morning.
"I got your email," he starts, pausing for a moment to think about what to say, "I wanted to call you but it was late so..."
"So you called me at 7am instead?" She asks, a teasing lilt entering her voice that makes him smile.
"I guess I did." He answers, and he hears her giggle slightly on the other end of the line. It makes his heart skip, and his head remember why she sent him that video in the first place. "What did you mean, how you feel when you're with me, I don't...tell me."
He can hear her moving around, and she takes a shaky breath before she starts, "When we're together, I feel like I have something to fight for. No matter how much we argue or we love each other, I'm always fighting for you, for us. I'm always trying to fight for what we want, what we planned and sometimes I need you to fight back. Or with me, for me."
"I do fight for you, I'm always fighting for you Rachel." He responds, a hint of anger entering his tone that he tries to control. He doesn't want to argue with her at 7 in the morning, or ever really.
She sighs, "I know you are, I just wanted to remind you that just because we argue and we fight each other, that doesn't mean you don't wake me up when you touch me, that you don't make my heart beat faster when you look at me, that you don't break my heart when you ask me things like you did last week." He can hear the tears forming in her voice and wants nothing more than to somehow climb through the phone and come out in her bed.
"You hurt me, when you said you wouldn't come back."
"I didn't say I wouldn't come back, I said that isn't logical. I can't just up and leave my job, a job you told me to take when I said I would stay with you, because you want me to come back. I'm doing this for us Noah, you said I had to do this, to be strong and... be here without you. It's killing me, and I wish with all of my heart that I could just be with you, but it's not that simple." He can hear the break in her voice, the wobble as she tries to hold back what will inevitably be a sob.
"It's just hard here without you. I've been trying to keep it together, to be strong for them but I can't Rach. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her. She was the only person who ever wanted me, really. And I did some terrible things, I hurt her so much, and I don't know how to make it better. I can't make it better." He feels his own eyes start to water as he confesses everything he's been trying to hide for the past few months without her.
"I know it's hard baby, and I know you love her. But you don't need to make up for your mistakes, you already have. You make her so proud and she would love you, she will love you, for the rest of your life. Everything you've got left to do, that's how you're going to make it up to her. By living your life as best as you can. And I will love you, no matter what. You just have to try. I know you can. Try to be strong."
"I love you." He breathes out on a sigh, hearing her words and feeling her support was all he needed. All he wanted from her last week, he just needed her to tell him everything was going to be ok. There's a promise in her voice, it makes him believe everything she says. The assurance in her tone makes him believe that she's right, that what she's saying will happen.
"I'll come back. If you need me to come back, I will come. Just please don't shut me out again."
"You don't need to come back," he says softly, the gravel in his voice becoming more prominent, "I'm ok. I'm gonna be ok."
She's quiet, he listens to her breathing on the other end of the phone and thinks he could fall asleep just listening to that sound. It calms him, soothes him, reminds him that she's his and that there are good things in his life.
"I miss you." She whispers, almost too softly for him to hear.
"I miss you too," He answers, "I'm always gonna fight for you Rachel. You have to know that."
"I do." He can hear a smile in her voice, still soft but happier than before, "You're everything to me. I wish I could make all the pain in your life go away. I wish you didn't always have to try so hard, if I could I would swap places with you in an instant."
He shakes his head even though she can't see him, "I would never want you to feel this. I'm hard baby, I'm thick skin and hot headedness and ego, you're all soft and sweet, you'd never be able to do this." He chuckles slightly, but he can hear her heavy breathing, "Don't cry anymore. Not because of me."
"I'm crying for you, not because of you."
"Well don't do that either. No more tears. No more sad dancing videos. No more horrible phone calls. Just try right? We just gotta try and get through this with the least amount of damage possible."
"Did you at least like my dancing?" She asks, a coyness returning to her voice that makes him smile.
He knows it's not going to be easy, he has a lot more to deal with and she's not going to be there for most of it. But he tells himself to remember that she loves him and she'll be there when he really needs her. If he saves the video to his phone it's only because she looked really hot, not because he might need to watch it many more times before he can be with her really. He knows she's trying to be strong for him, and he's going to do the same. Just because it burns doesn't mean you're going to die, he had to keep that in mind. No matter what happened, he just had to try. She was trying so hard to keep him and be strong for him that he needed to do the same.