He's Gone

by MissusPotter

An angsty drabble. Sort of a stream of consciousness kind of thing. George reflection on Fred. Some George/Angelina. T because it's angst... and mainly because K makes me feel silly. NOT twincest.

It is May 2, 1999. It has been an entire year. And nothing has changed.

Everything has changed.

I turn my head, a smile almost on my lips, forming a witty remark and the smile falls because he isn't there.And I remember again and again and again. It crashes down on me (again and again) because he is always supposed to be there and he isn't.

I wake up every morning to his bed on the opposite side of the room and I wonder why he's already up but he isn't awake, he's gone. I can still see the imprint of his head on his pillow, the dip his body made into his mattress. His untouched clothes hang across from mine in our tiny closet and I can still smell him and it smells just like I do, except completely different and that scent hits me every time, and I know I should just take out his clothes and put them away somewhere in boxes but I can't, because they're his, and I can't.

I eat breakfast alone, and I eat lunch alone, and I eat dinner alone unless I eat dinner with Angelina or my family – but not all of my family because he's gone. And there is always a plate and a fork and cup on the table waiting for him because what if he comes back? But he's not going to come back I know he's not, my family says so and my therapist says so and Angelina says so. I know he's not coming back because I saw him and he was dead dead dead. But he was smiling so maybe he isn't, but he is because his eyes were empty and his eyes were never empty they were always so full of light and happiness and they were full of death because HE'S GONE.

And every time I see a mirror there is hope because that looks like Fre – but I can't think his name because it hurts too much and it's just me anyway. As soon as I turn my head and I see I'm holey and everything is different and wrong and I am empty and I try to fill everything up with my family and Ron and Ginny and did you know they're both getting married? And I'm happy for them because they're getting married and I want to make a joke but I can't because he's gone. I'm not allowed to be happy without him, I can't, he's gone and he can't be happy anymore so nor can I.

I know I shouldn't think that, I know I shouldn't because my family says so and my therapist says so and Angelina says so, but I can't help it. I try. I try to be happy because I think he would want that because he is – was – is was is was is was my brother but now he's gone so how could I ever know what he's thinking? I can't know anything anymore, the only thing I can know is there is Angelina and she holds me and she helps me and I even tell jokes to her sometimes because she is safe. Angelina is there and she helps me because she's funny like him, and nice like Harry, and smart like Percy, and beautiful like Angelina. And I love her and I wish I didn't because she doesn't deserve someone like me because I'm broken and I'm empty. But she's always there and she loves me too and so maybe I'll be okay, someday, even though I'll still be here and he'll still be gone and I'll still be missing him.