My first SGA fanfic. I seriously only started watching two weeks ago, with Tracker airing before First Contact and that was it. I ended up downloading a bunch of season 4 episodes and all of season 5. I admit that I only started watching for Jewel Staite, but I'm in love with the thought of Ronon and Keller. If you're like me and just finished watching the new episode, you're incredibly upset and disappointed. Especially with this being the final season, I was hoping they'd give Ronon a little sugar. As long as it was Keller. Plus McKay kinda annoys me, lol.

I almost backed out. I almost couldn't say what I was about to say with the look on his face. The hope that I wasn't about to say what I was about to say. The insinuation. The impending lie. How could I be interested in someone else? Did he not understand?

I'm interested in someone else.

How the hell could he believe that kind of blasphemy? But he drank it in. Brushed it off as if it hadn't been his intention. The Ronon way of maintaining his cool façade of nonchalance while protecting himself from the embarrassment of rejection.

As the thought of the Daedalus crashing into the base had sunk in, all I could think about was Ronon heading towards Todd to engage battle. The thought that he was going to put himself in that amount of danger had never really sank beneath the surface on any other mission. Probably because I'd never been there to witness him run off in pure determination. But when I was about to die on the same ship with him and hadn't so much as hugged him, let alone told him how I truly felt, it'd seemed pertinent that I tell him.

Then Sheppard saved us and I had the opportunity. Even after I'd returned to my quarters and sat on the bed shaking from fear and adrenaline receded, I'd wanted to tell him everything. How everything had started to make sense. The way he'd smirked when he came into the infirmary in the middle of the night and Sheppard not entirely convincing on getting in a lucky shot. The ability to admit that he was plagued by a nightmare minutes later when he woke up while I was stitching him; the vulnerability he'd shown to me when he didn't with anyone else. The sly looks he seemed to send at me. His protective nature was natural to him, but the way he'd been ready to behead Kiryk after he'd kidnapped me was different. Coming on the trip with me to administer the drug to the Wraith, which ended up being a good thing. And naturally the quarantine episode was prominent. Not only with his openness about his past, but the almost kiss.

It wasn't until after I'd emptied what little food I'd been reluctant to eat upon arrival back on Atlantis into the porcelain bowl and the subsequent dry heaves afterwards that I realized that I wasn't built for a life of that. I couldn't sit back in the infirmary and wonder if he'd be coming back through the gate with every mission. I couldn't remain objective if he came back injured gravelly where I had to save his life. I'd be having a nervous breakdown, if the way my stomach dropped every time he came into the infirmary with so much as a cut from a sparring accident was any indication. That was on Atlantis, a safe environment. Things could easily become a million times worse on uncharted planet missions.

My empty stomach revolted against the look on his face as he brushed past me without so much as a backwards glance or 'see you later'. Suddenly he wasn't hungry and I never wanted to eat again. I felt like the air had been sucked from the room as he left me there, and I remained in the hallway for moments after. People passed by, colleagues even who gave me strange glances. I barely registered them as my heart threatened to beat out of my chest, moving into my throat and throbbing loudly in my head. My eyes burned as I stared unblinkingly at the spot he'd been.

It could've been hours or merely minutes before the air choked me. His scent hung in the air tauntingly. This is what you just threw away. It said. It choked me, filling my senses and slowly suffocating me with thoughts of what could have been. Lying in bed post mission, his pent up energy spent and you thoroughly sore in the best possible way. You didn't exactly think Satedan's were big on human traditions such as dates or hand holding, so you'd be content to alone time in either of your quarters to beat away worries and frustrations when he returned to the gate. As a matter of fact, I was aware of Sateda's traditions not being like human ones. Being the always studious one, I'd asked and looked up as much stuff on Sateda that Atlantis had to offer without going to Ronon himself.

And now, none of it mattered. I successfully managed to convince him that I was interested in someone else. Rodney of all people, I'm sure is who comes to mind to him. Rodney's… Rodney. He's dependable, nice, incredibly smart, cute in a bumbling way: the typical guy who reminds you of a puppy… but he wasn't Ronon.

Ronon was someone you knew you could count on to love you with his body and soul and defend you with his life. He was strength and warmth, survival and hope. Everything that I wanted, but couldn't have. I'd turned myself in to Todd to not only buy him time to find the others, but to save him. Todd wasn't as hostile as I imagined him to be upon being dragged to him by his Wraith -- even if he had rigged the ship to crash into a facility to kill a device and hundreds of his enemies in the process. He seemed to like me, and I used that to my advantage. I'd hoped to my advantage that he wouldn't kill me the second he saw me. I was right, but for the wrong reasons. I'd be dead in a short time regardless. Or so he assumed.

When Ronon had dropped from the ceiling, literally, and blasted the Wraith in order to rescue me, I'd been grateful. But when he handed me the gun and I fired it… it wasn't me. Even with Nabal; I was a healer, not a killer. Ronon was a warrior. Killer and warrior were two very different words, opposite definitions. But I was neither. He needed someone as strong and sure as he was. Neither of which I was, on top of dozens of other reasons.

Truth was, I cared for him a lot more than words could explain. I don't know how he didn't know. I don't know how he could think I'd willingly choose Rodney over him. Speak of the devil. Here's Rodney himself, blabbing animatedly about how he'd shut down the device that nearly killed all of us, including thousands of innocent lives when a 'gate had burst.

There was a shift in the air. The same shift that always happened when Ronon entered the room. I didn't have to turn around to find him. His eyes were pinned to me, watching me as I stood blankly in the same exact spot he'd left me in, Rodney now in his place. In his mind, that place referred to more than one spot. But really, Rodney only stood in front of me. He didn't stand with me. Not like Ronon did on so many occasions.

I realized he might be waiting for me to contradict myself. Something I couldn't let happen. I couldn't let him know the truth. I replied to Rodney that what he did was heroic and added a little bit of simpering into my tone as I grasped his bicep, unconsciously comparing them to how they weren't anything like Ronon's. I dismissed myself quickly, heading towards my quarters. His presence stole my breath, even that was enough to get me to want to take back what I said. But it was too dangerous. For myself. For him. If he was worried about me, like he'd been when he tried to talk me out of turning myself in, it could cost both of our lives. It wasted time. Time he could've been ahead and rescued the others. Maybe gotten to the control panel before Todd had locked everyone out.

My quarters were right there when Evan Lorne came out of no where and started talking with me. He was nice and we were tentative friends. He was relieved that I was okay, and hugged me quickly before he left. He was like the brother I'd never had but always wanted. Maybe that sent the wrong signal to Ronon too, because there was suddenly a crackling energy in the air. Apparently Ronon perceived Lorne as more of a threat than Rodney. Setting aside my surrogate familial feelings towards him, I suppose Lorne was attractive, but Ronon was the only one I wanted.

I paused briefly in the doorway to my quarters, imagining myself turning towards him and conveying with one look that I'd lied. I imagined the unrealistic and elaborate movie cliché where he'd sweep towards me and we'd be locked in a passionate embrace of messy limps and a fight for dominance in a heated kiss as we tumbled into my quarters and fell on the bed just as the doors slid to meet in a close.

But I resisted. I walked into the room and swiped my hand out blindly to close the door. I checked behind me to make sure it was, before collapsing heavily on the bed and releasing the tears that had fought to come to the surface since I'd first saw Ronon in the hallway on the Daedalus after the imminent threat was over. I'd wanted to throw myself around him and never let go out of fear that I'd watch him walk off again and not gather the courage to go after him. I'd taken the cowards way out and put down the weapon and stayed behind to encourage Marks.

I sat on the bed, alone, sobbing my heart out. It felt like I was, knowing that I'd never be able to be with Ronon the way I wanted to while war raged on with the Wraiths and against Atlantis. I wasn't strong enough and he was too strong to sit back and let go of the hunt. I wasn't selfish enough to ask that of him. Not after everything he'd been through. I wasn't going to disregard who he was to suit my selfish wants. Even though I'd never wanted anything else in my life.

Maybe a sabbatical was what I needed. I hadn't seen my father in a long time, and being around Ronon right now just wasn't an option. I couldn't lie all the time by convincingly seeming attracted to Rodney. Even Lorne would be difficult. I wouldn't lead them along anyways. Maybe Ronon would end up assuming I meant someone he didn't know. Maybe someone for Earth. Especially if I went there suddenly after everything that happened.

I activated my link and called Woolsey. Thus solidifying that I, Jennifer Keller, was a coward.

If the mood strikes me, I might continue this in a full fledged fiction, but I don't know enough about Atlantis. I seriously only downloaded episodes of season 4 that Keller was in (although I bought season 4 today from Best Buy!) and I've seen all of season 5 so far. So I don't think I'm comfortable enough delving into a full fan fiction for this couple when I barely know anything about the series. That's unfair to readers. But I hope you enjoyed this as a better look into what I hope is the answer behind Keller's behavior at the end. This is my first fanfic in a really long time that's outside of my comfort zone. I'm not too good with first person POV, so I really hope you've made it to the closing author note.

Thank you for reading!

Ashley aka Loves A Fool.