WARNING!
If you severely love your POTC characters and would kill any soul who dared to deface their perfect identity, then we suggest strongly that you LEAVE NOW!!
This story is for the lolz and the lolz only.
We hope you enjoy :)
We slaved over a hot oven... err... the computer... to post this!
Grace + Shelby
Disclaimer- We do not own any characters, set designs, costumes- ANYTHING, from Pirates of the Caribbean.
We do however, own ourselves.
Muahaha! Owned.
Read and please review!
DONKEYS WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
Prologue...
In the vast reaches of the dark ocean, a small girl, Elizabeth, is on a ship in a misty sea.
Of course, it does not really make sense that a ship has to be in a dark and dangerous sector of the ocean, with evil impending at any given moment. Let's just say she was fishing.
(Anything to get the plot moving!)
Elizabeth is screeching in what appears to be the tongue of demons.
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!" she voices dramatically.
After a while, one of the soldiers, who shall henceforth be known as Gibbs, skips up behind Elizabeth, with intentions of raping the young girl.
The freaky paedophile is about to fulfil said desire, when his penis explodes from pressure overload as the air around them condenses at Elizabeth's attempt to hit a high note.
Elizabeth turns around and smiles dopily at the soldier who is now rolling around the deck, wailing in agony.
"Mister Gibbs, can you tell me about Pimp Masters? It gets me EVER so excited!" She asked, somehow maintaining an innocent tone.
The soldier looks into the bright and happy eyes of Elizabeth and opens his mouth to begin his life story (full of relationship problems at the young age of 32!), when Elizabeth adds, "Duuuurh."
Gibbs, hugely insulted and this meaningless sound, bursts a blood vessel in his eye and hobbles away, screaming and crying blood tears.
Elizabeth smiles happily.
On the other side of the ship, a man is perspiring fiercely, despite the cold as he watches our young heroine lustfully.
Norrington, a strapping chap back in the day, sees the young Elizabeth by herself and realises that now is the chance to win her over with his English manliness.
Making some last minute adjustments, he pops his collar, straightens his neon green contact lenses and sprays cologne into his mouth.
Norrington struts over to the young Elizabeth, attempting to look seductive and manly.
"Hey little girl... I'm about forty now... you're about eight... tell me, what do you think about 'big age gaps'?"
Norrington smiles queasily, baring his yellowed teeth and Elizabeth suppresses the urge to vomit in his face.
Ignoring Norrington, Elizabeth commences her banshee wail again and Norrington pastes a fake smile on his face and pretends it is the most beautiful sound in the world.
His eardrums eventually explode and rivulets of blood slide down his sweaty neck.
Elizabeth then realises that she needs to expel some human faeces and decides to take a dump off of the rail. Being a lady of leisure, she was not used to suppressing any need.
She pulls down her panties and her face hardens with concentration.
Curiously enough, instead of hearing a plopping noise as 'it' hits the water, she hears a soft splat, followed by a revolted gagging noise.
She looks down and goes red.
A small boy, floating on a piece of wreckage, looks back with wide and horrified eyes, as the shit trickles all over his face.
The young lad's eyes roll back into his head and he passes out from sheer disgust.
Elizabeth screams and the soldiers haul in the small boy, who is unconscious and smelly.
Elizabeth is still screaming.
Five hours later, she is still screaming.
Two weeks later, the screaming has not yet stopped until she remembers that she is supposed to be taking care of the young boy, who is probably dead by this time.
But fate would have it (or Hollywood would anyway), that the young boys eyes flutter open, but not before Elizabeth steals his necklace because she's a whore.
The two look at each other and somehow, they know that some day, they will have epic adventures full of epic lolz.
"What's your name?" demands Elizabeth.
"Boobs- I mean, Will," answers the lad, trying to back away from the monster that shitted in his face but at the same time irrevocably drawn to the two lumps on the girl's chest.
They look out to sea once more and see a dramatic and black looking ship sailing away into the mist.
They stare at each other wistfully, until a monkey falls off the mast and onto the small girls head, ripping her hair out whilst shrieking.
(yes yes, bad prologue or not, JUST READ! whips innocent reader)
And so begin the Lolz...
Two young girls sit on a rotting wharf, staring out to sea. The first girl, Grace, was reclining lazily on the structure, running a hand through her hair. The second girl, Shelby, was sitting erect, trying to replicate the posture that the nobles supposedly possessed. She was failing, but those around her found her efforts truly amusing.
In truth, Shelby didn't really like Grace, but in Shelby's eyes, Grace's supreme stupidness was her redeeming quality, for you see, dumb people are good for the lolz.
After an hour or so of watching the great stretch of water, Shelby was getting bored. So to relieve said boredom, she decided to try her favourite recreational activity, aptly named, 'Try to Kill Grace'. It was actually a very fun game, despite its decidedly morbid name. However, Grace, the stupid bitch, was somewhat wily and always escaped. Shelby heaved a great sigh and closed her eyes, for surely Grace would escape yet again. Suddenly Grace sat up straight and started grunting and pointing towards the water like the monkey that she was. Coming towards them was the most fantastic, if ludicrous looking man, Shelby had ever seen. Standing on the ship's mast holding a gold pimp staff in the shape of a fist, was the infamous Jack Sparrow.
As his sinking ship slowly made its way towards the wharf, he stood majestically, thoroughly impressing both Grace and Shelby. He straightened his bright purple pimp hat and cape and when he reached the dock he daintily stepped onto the dilapidated wreck. He surveyed the area carefully, raising one finely plucked eyebrow when he saw Grace and Shelby. Smiling in delight he sauntered over to the unlikely pair and when he reached them he smiled, revealing his grill. Unfortunately, he was held up by the dock official who declared that it was a shilling to tie a boat up at the dock. Jack, with reflexes like a cat, reached out and pimp smacked him, hard, across the face and then continued over to the girls.
Shelby stood up and began to talk- until Jack seized her and slapped her with his 'pimp' hand all the while screeching, "PIMP SMACK YO ASS!" After all, he did enjoy pimp smacking people and the action was good for his developing right hand muscles. After this he released her and with imperious wave of his bejewelled hand, bid them to follow. As Grace scurried after him she tripped over a conveniently placed piece of wood and fell on her face. Shelby, who had just recovered from her pimp slap, cackled in delight and laughed so hard that a trickle of piss ran down her grotesquely hairy leg. She hurriedly wiped it away with her petticoat and ran after Jack.
The Governor's mansion…
Elizabeth awoke and her cupboard was vibrating. Sighing angrily, she ripped it open and pulled out the suspicious looking necklace. She glared at the necklace and the necklace was so frightened that it sent out a sonic wave, destroying five houses and causing a tsunami far out at sea. Shrugging, Elizabeth shoved it back in her desk and began dressing for the day ahead.
Downstairs...
Will Turner stood idly, waiting for the Governor to see him. He stood there, whistling the tune to 'Mm bop' by Hanson and began investigating a sconce. He pulled at the candle and it fell out. Shit scared, he looked for somewhere to stash his unfortunate treasure. Seeing nowhere to place it, he threw it over his shoulder, ignoring the dull thunk and the pained groan of the butler. Soon, the Governor waltzed down the stairs and greeted Will.
"Hello!" He called in a highly feminine voice, stretching out the vowels.
"Good day, Sir. I have your order," said Will. The Governor pulled out the sword and squinted at it. It was good work to be sure but he wondered how the klutz in front of him had managed to make it. Will held out his hand.
"May I?" He inquired of the good Governor Swann.
The Governor nodded; little did he know he would regret it for the rest of his life. Will took the sword and tried to spin it around impressively. Predictably, he dropped it, but not before he managed to slash at the Governor's arms. The Governor, seemingly unaware of his major injuries laughed, delighted and if he could move his arms, I'm sure he would have clapped.
After this, Elizabeth leapt down the stairs, leaving a large divot in the ornate tiles, attired in a bright yellow jumpsuit.
''Hi Will!'' Elizabeth cried. Will mumbled a reply; he was too busy staring at her boobs to notice much more.
"Boobs!" He cried and Elizabeth, happy on the inside but outwardly mortified, struck him across the face.
''William Turner!'' Elizabeth gasped and slapped him across the face, hard and squealed in pleasure and continued doing so until Will was so revolted that he vomited his own innards into her face.
"BOOBS!" squeaked Will and with that, he ran out the door girlishly with a lacy handkerchief in his hand, crying inconsolably at his unfortunate molestation.
Meanwhile...
Grace was making out with the deck which her face had conveniently fallen onto, until she was rudely interrupted by the awkward stares from both Shelby and Jack. Sighing, she started licking the blood off her face for a 'tasty and nutritious meal', which was yet again interrupted by Shelby's vomit exploding into Grace's face.
Shrugging, Grace began to lick the vomit off her face and rather ruthlessly, had her head dunked into a bucket of water.
After the bitch-face wench Shelby had wiped the vomit from her mouth, she began hooting like an aardvark as Jack Sparrow began pimp slapping her arse mercilessly, but then the unlikely duo heard a sloppy licking sound and looked over to Grace, who had found a new way of disturbing even nature itself by licking her own genitals.
There was the sound of gagging and to this day, the smell of vomit still lingers around the remains of the wharf, now named "Sir Chuck-a-lot".
Continuing on to the Commodore's Ceremony...
The Commodore stared out to sea from the high wall, the sunset lighting up his face which seemed deep in thought, perhaps reminiscing of earlier days when he did not have to wear such a ludicrous wig.
"Oh, Elizabeth! I didn't expect to see you here," cried the Commodore in a high pitched whine, failing his earlier goal of remaining casual.
"But Norrington, you asked me to come he-"
"Never mind that, now! Ha-ha! Hah! Well, now that you're here, do you suppose you'd like to… MARRY ME PLEASE ELIZABETH, I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU AND YOUR AMAZINGLY DEVELOPED CHEST!"
The Commodore then lunged for her legs in an attempt to latch on to her but thinking quickly, Elizabeth remembered she was wearing a corset. Muttering something about 'not being able to breathe', she willingly jumped off the wall to escape the clingy Commodore.
Conveniently, Jack was on a boat at the time, stroking the stern and getting excited, when two soldiers approached him, demanding that Jack left the boat and stop raping the wheel.
Fortunately, the soldiers weren't too bright...
FLASHBACK!
"Mullroy, Murtogg, you're actually adopted! Mullroy, you actually conceived yourself with me. YOU REVOLT ME!"
"But mummy, please-"
Thunk! Crash! Bang!
"Nooo! NOT THE DILDO!"
Dildo!
Dildo!
Dildo...
END FLASHBACK
The two soldiers broke down in tears at the synced recollection and it was at that moment that Jack saw the dramatically plummeting figure of Elizabeth splash into the water at high speed, resulting in an impaled anus.
Jack dove into the water to rescue the stranger...
A/N: El oh elz! The wench should have died in that fall, but we need her to make a story. So she broke her arse instead.
WILL IT MIRACULOUSLY RECOVER?? All signs point to… YES!
Reviews are love. So is this cake. OM NOMNOM
P.P.P.S: KEEP READING! And please review. BUT NOT UNTIL YOU'VE READ ALL THATS ON OFFER!! RWWWWAAAARRR!! Adding this story to your alert list will benefit you with thousands of virgins!