Summary: I, Jake Ryan, may play the fool at times but even I know when two people are meant to be together…and that sometimes it doesn't take much more than a pudding cup to make it happen.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hannah, I'm nothing more than just a fan-nah.
"They're hopeless, sweetie, better not to waste your time," My beautiful girlfriend says flippantly, fingering the pages of a magazine. A magazine that I am on the cover of, I notice approvingly. The shot they've used is great too, I'm staring right at the camera and you can get completely lost in my sparkling green eyes…Wait, I'm in the middle of a story, aren't I? Is it the one about shooting Teen Bigfoot or my first episode of Zombie High…? No, wait! It's about love, which means it's the story of Miley falling for me once and for all…no, I've got it now.
"Miley," I laugh, pulling down her magazine so she too can get lost in my eyes. "There's nothing I can't do."
"Except wait in line for…well, anything," She smiles with sugar-coated loathing. I'm about to protest about how it is a barbaric custom and what is the point of being famous when you can't cut when she puts a finger to my lips, "Don't bother. And don't bother with them, many a better man has tried and failed."
Who is this better man? It can't be that homely-looking midget, Connor, she dated while I was filming Space Ninja. Could it? It's more likely that it's that basketball player with the huge afro… Jimmy, Jeremy, Justin…? Oh no! It's Jesse McCartney! I knew I should have been more worried about his persistent attempts to date Hannah. Oh wait, what am I worried about? I scoff at her comment, "Don't be silly! There's no better man then me!" How could someone who looked like me be worrying about other guys?
She rolls her eyes, and let her magazine fall shut. She picks up her bag from the lunchroom floor and shoves the shiny paper with my beautiful face into the Chanel leather before slinging it over her shoulder and standing up. "Where are you going?" I ask. She's going to miss my triumphant victory!
"As far away from you and the disaster you're about three seconds away from causing as possible," She drawls, then kisses me on the cheek before pushing out the doors of the cafeteria.
Pssh, disaster, when have I ever caused a disaster? I, Jake Ryan, may play the fool at times but even I know when two people are meant to be together…even if they're oblivious to it. Have you figured out who I'm talking about yet?
No, it's not Meredith and that McDreamy guy Miley keeps going on about. I mean, my hair is way more deliciously run your fingers through it than his. They aren't the couple from that Notebook I've been forced to watch the kiss in the rain for exactly twenty-one different movie nights. Man was I stupid to turn down that part. They are the two biggest idiots in the world. Not Amber and Ashley, although that'd be pretty hot even if Miley smacked me for looking. I'm talking about the loudest tomboy ever, Lilly Truscott, and the clumsiest boy I know, Oliver Oken.
If this was one of my movies, they'd be together and half-way to the point where she gets mad at him for pressuring her to have sex already. Of course, the boy would be a lot better looking as he would be played by me, and I don't think Oliver would be stupid enough to try to pressure anything on Lilly because she'd beat him within an inch of his life, but still. Instead of pawing at each other like normal people with hormones, they're currently standing mid-lunch line arguing over whether or not he should have chocolate milk because of his diabetes. How do I know this? It happens every day. And in about five seconds they'll come over and Oliver will look down at his plate like someone died while grumbling about how Lilly wants him to be unhappy.
5, 4, 3, 2-
"This sucks," He mumbles, casting an angry glance at her as if his disease was all her fault. "Can't I just have a sip of your-?"
"No!" She hisses, moving around something that only slightly resembles meatloaf on her plate. Boy, am I glad that the principal loves Zombie High enough to let me order food every day. I've got pizza this time, a slice of pepperoni on every piece just the way I like it. "I will not be held responsible for the amputation of any of your body parts."
"Only my lifelong unhappiness," He mumbles under his breath. Her eyes shoot up, she heard him. He gulps, "I mean-" He gets out.
"Well I'm sorry," She spits, shoving back her chair. "Sorry I value my best friend's life so much! God, Oliver, I'm just trying to help. I can't believe you're being so selfish!" And she storms out, leaving Oliver to look down at his mush even more sadly then before.
"Chicks, huh?" He asks quietly, looking up at me.
"Tell me about it," I return, sliding a piece of pizza over to him. Who am I not to help the needy? And sometimes it doesn't take more than a pudding cup. I smirk at my own genius, almost telling Oliver my plan. Then I realize that'll ruin it, so I'll simply wait for tomorrow.
- - -
"What do you mean you don't want to know?" I sputter at Miley as we walk towards the lunchroom again.
She sighs, "I want to be able to feign real innocence when Lilly asks me if I knew anything about this. I've tried the matchmaker thing before and I remember the month they both refused to speak to me before prom last year all too well."
I frown, "But honey, this is me! How could I ever go wrong?" She turns her head towards me for a second, meeting my dazzling eyes. And then she laughs. Laughs! And walks off giggling towards the library, sometimes I just don't get women. Still I shrug it off as I employ my mission. I slip Dandruff Danny ten dollars to get flakes in Lilly's food so she has to go get another tray. Meanwhile, Oliver is blabbering on to me at the table. He got detention today for some reason or another concerning her.
I slip it onto his tray while he's talking, mouth open and spewing taco bits all over the table. He sees me and smiles, "Thanks man." He peels off the seal and the spoon is just in his mouth when she arrives at the table.
"Oliver Oscar Oken!" She shouts at him, jerking the utensil from his mouth and causing him to choke. He's wheezing all over my meatball sub now…great. "What. Are. You. Doing?" She asks slowly, her glare deepening with each word.
"I…uh, chocolate pudding?" He offers, holding it up to her.
She slaps it out of his hand and he watches it longingly as it splatters on the floor. She pulls him out of his seat violently by the arm. "Ow!" He moans, still being tugged along toward the doors by her. I follow them silently, just like in Teen Bigfoot before I pounced on the… Concentrate Leslie! I mean Jake, who's Leslie? Such a girly, girly name… Anyways, back to Lilly and Oliver. "Where are we going?" He whines.
She doesn't stop dragging him, just picks him up at the edge of the stairs and points. He frowns and he glumly takes the steps, quite slowly may I add. I keep my distance behind them, wedging myself into corners just like I did in Adrian Kelso: Secret Teen Agent until we reach our destination. Lilly practically knocks him into the door of the Nurse's Office before slamming it open and following him in huffily. I lunge forward, saving the door with my foot and standing there, listening.
"Miss M!" Lilly shrieks as soon as I'm in place. And I almost giggle at the thought of her frantic face. She doesn't like Oliver, right. Who does she think she's kidding? "Miss M, you need to look at Oliver right now!"
"Lilly, what's wrong?" The Nurse's motherly voice coos.
"He got a hold of a pudding cup while I wasn't watching him!" She cries, and I peer through the window against my best spying instincts. Oliver seems really sorry now, from the desperate look on his face.
"Oliver!" The nurse scolds and he manages to tear his eyes away from Lilly to glance pleadingly at her.
Then his eyes are on the side of the blond's head again as she refuses to look him in the eye, she's probably worried she'll cry if she does glance his way. "I only took one bite, I swear to God," He puts a hand over his heart. She still won't look at him, although the nurse's gaze has changed back from angry to caring.
Miss M looks between the two of them and smiles, "Lilly?" She asks quietly. "Would it make you feel better if I took Oliver's blood sugar, just in case?" She looks up at the woman, biting her lip and nods. She gestures them over to the orange leather beds set up in the corner for those kids who like puke in the middle of study hall or something.
She pricks his finger really quickly, and takes a reading while he sits patiently on the bed next to his best friend. "It's actually a little low," Oliver cracks his goofy grin, and Lilly smiles in spite of herself. The nurse beams at the both of them, "I'll give you two a minute before you go back to class to…compose yourselves." She's on her way towards the door, tartar sauce! I'm gonna have to take a doorknob to my beautiful, beautiful stomach. Actually that handle looks a little low…no way am I taking one below the belt so those two goofs can get together! Oh wait! A bulletin board! I can just run over. So I'm doing it, before the nurse catches me staring through her door window and ruins my brilliant plan. I look over at the fliers. Hey! There's one where you can win a copy of the Zombie High DVD featuring my kiss with Hannah autographed by the both of us. Wait, I don't remember doing that…Miley must have spent all her money on shoes again. Oh crap! The door's almost shut. I run over and catch it again.
"Come on, Lilly," I hear, as my hand grips the door frantically. "Talk to me."
I peer in again to see her sitting as far away from him as possible on the little cot. "No." She states firmly.
"I'm sorry, okay?" He says quietly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. I know how mad you must be at me…"
"Mad? You think I'm mad at you?" She hisses, jumping up and looking at him, her eyes all crazy. I think she's mad at him.
"Uh…well, yeah," He shrugs then looks up at her again. "Aren't you?" He asks quizzically.
"No, I'm afraid for you!" She yells, still seemingly pretty mad. "Do you know what I would do if something ever happened to you? Do you know what my life would be like?"
He shakes his head and gulps, "No," He answers hesitantly.
"Neither do I," She whispers, sitting back down next to him, and looking at him, finally. "I don't want to have to either, okay? It's too scary to even think about."
"It won't ever happen Lilly," He promises, putting his arm around her shoulder. "I'm always gonna be there whenever you need me, know why?"
"Why?" She whispers, leaning towards him.
"You're my best friend, always. And my diabetes isn't going to screw that up, ever." She blushes but under it I can see her smile. She puts her head on his shoulder and he hugs her tight. And then he looks down at her, she looks up at him…
Crap, I just dropped the door. And they're looking at me, and my sweaty palms. Oliver's arms drop from her and she jumps into a standing position. Damn it, now she's glaring at me. "What are you doing, Bighead?" Lilly taunts.
I grin. She may think calling me names is going to spur me but no! I'm the amazing Jake Ryan. And I have done the impossible and brought the world's two most stubborn people together. "I could ask you the same question," I acknowledge charmingly, warranting a new shade of red from their faces. "A little cozy for 'just friends', aren't we?" Lilly glares at me now instead of turning the tomato shade Oken does.
"Jake, how would you know? It doesn't seem like anyone's interested in being your friend once they spend more than five minutes with you." She beams triumphantly.
"Oh, burn!" Oliver calls from behind her, that stupid smirk back on his face.
"Please, you two just don't want to admit that you're in loooove and all that it took to make you realize it was a pudding cup," They share a confused glance rather than turning that delightful crimson color again. Wait, something's wrong here, that's not supposed to happen.
"How'd you know about the pudding cup?" Lilly asks accusingly, jabbing a finger into the middle of my chest. Oh shit.
"What pudding cup?" She gives me a flat look and pokes me again, this time harder. "I… uh, Miley." I stutter, backing towards the door.
"Wait a second," The brunette boy says, finally catching up. "He gave me that pudding cup." I smile nervously at Lilly and bolt out the door.
"Leslie Jacob Ryan!" She shouts, racing after me. Aw man! I can't believe Miley told her about the Leslie thing. She must have told Oliver and he can't keep a secret so the whole school will end up finding out. Oh crap, where'd she get that plunger? I can't have bathroom guck on me! Sorry kids, the amazing Jake Ryan will have to finish this story later. He's in the middle of a dramatic chase. "Ahhh!"
AN: I'm thinking about turning this into a series of one-shots following Jake around in snippets of my choosing. I guess this is sort of a Loliver, and sort of a Jiley but I just wanted Lilly to beat up on Jake to be honest, and I thought this was the best way. Tell me what you think about the continuation possibility, and whether or not you like pudding cups. I don't love them or anything but I like a nice chocolate one every now and then.