A/N: I don't own anything.

I'd be so happy to get some reviews!

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The Awful Truth

I don't know how it happened.

Of course, I remember that night. I was seventeen and we were in Three Broomsticks. Lily Evans had finally agreed to go out with James and I guess we were sort of celebrating that. I drank more fire whiskey than I usually did and then, somehow, I ended up kissing Sirius. I'm not sure why. I just remember a few remarks made by James like 'you don't dare' and 'oh, Moony, you don't have to take everything so seriously'.

I haven't forgotten everything, though. I remember very well how startled and shocked I was, when I found myself pressing my mouth against his' and he didn't move away although I grabbed his cheeks and opened my mouth. And then James and Peter were cheering and the kissing was over.

I tried to blame the fact that we both had been drunk, I really did. It just didn't work out. I began to notice little things I had never seen before: how Sirius' eyes wrinkled when he smiled, or how he rubbed his left knee with his palm when he was embarrassed. And then I began to notice that he looked at me quite often and rubbed his knee quite often, too, and every time it happened there was something weird going on in my stomach.

And then there was the second night, the common room, just the two of us our heads crashing together by accident, so that I could probably say that everything else was an accident, too. Like the third night, when I went for a walk and he followed me and pushed me against the stone wall of the castle and a bit later left without saying a word. Or the fourth night when I went to take a shower and found him there and there was quite a lot blushing and then snogging, too, until James burst in and I wanted to die from embarrassment.

We never really talked about it. James was startled and it took a few weeks for him to look us in the eyes again. Afterwards he just pretended that nothing had happened and nothing was happening. They both did, James and Peter, and later Lily, too, and I never tried to ask Sirius if were dating. Sirius broke up with his girlfriend and then neither of us was seeing someone, so that we were free to do what we wanted to. For the whole spring until the school ended we were casual in public and usually when we were alone, too, but sometimes we couldn't help it. It just happened. I don't know why, but it did.

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Sirius bought a flat in July. I went to my parents' place for the summer and it was quite awful in the beginning. It was hot and there was no private place to go to swim nearby, so I always waited for night before I went to the beach. After two weeks I began trying to avoid my parents, and I guess that wasn't exactly fair, but I didn't want to see the fear on their faces. So I spent the days reading and the nights swimming and it was okay, since I couldn't sleep much, anyway.

In September, I went back to London to visit James' place. He was still living at home but was planning to marry Lily in October and so there wasn't really a reason for him to move out before the wedding. Mr. and Mrs. Potter were overworking and the four of us were sitting in their living room, James drinking fire whiskey and talking about Lily and Peter talking about his new job in the Ministry. Sirius seemed a bit absent but I tried to avoid staring at him, even though it was hard.

Ten o'clock I was going to leave. I went out off the house to Apparate and was trying to form an image of my parents' place in my mind when he grabbed my elbow.

'Hello', I said.

Sirius stared at me, looking a bit short of breath. 'Will you move to my place?'

'What?'

He swallowed. 'Will you move to my place? You can't stay that far away from London, Moony.'

'I don't know what I should do', I said, trying not to notice that my veins were pushing blood much harder now and his fingers were still wrapped around my elbow. 'If I have to get a job, I can do it in Sheffield…'

'No', he said firmly, catching his breath. 'Listen to me. You aren't going to be that far away. Fuck, Remus, you can't be that far away from us. I've got the flat and there's plenty of room for you.'

'You said there's just one room and kitchen there.'

'Well, we'll cope on.'

I inhaled deep. James or Peter could come in any minute and I knew they didn't want to see Sirius holding my elbow like he had been afraid of me flying away.

'Don't you think it would be… a bit weird?'

'Weird?' he repeated blankly.

'Yes.'

'Oh, shit, Moony', he said pressing his mouth firmly against mine.

I pushed my hands to his black, longish hair, closed my eyes and tried to remember when we had last done this. It had probably been the last night before the school ended. We had been in Hogsmeade, of course, and neither James or Peter could realize anything, because they both had had their girls there. And so we hadn't even bothered to excuse us before vanishing. Our dormitory had been silent and dark and the next morning I had had new bruises on my back because of that fucking wardrobe.

And now he was here again. I could sense him with my every cell and they were all burning when he finally moved away and tried to catch his breath his mouth leaning against my jaw. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and felt shoulder blades through his T-shirt.

'What're you scared of?' he muttered against my cheek.

I shook my head.

'Really. It's just practical. You don't have to pay rent, because that flat is already mine. We can say to Peter and James that you're planning to get your own place when you've got enough money.' He laughed. It sounded a bit like barking and I couldn't help realizing how much I had missed it. 'Of course, you can't get rich, then.'

'They'll know.'

'Fuck them', he said. 'Just come. You can't stay away.'

I took a deep breath and nodded.

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I was ready in a week, and in two weeks I had already moved to the flat. It was even smaller than I had thought and I had some problems trying to find proper answers to the others when they wondered why the heck I moved there when there was wasn't really enough space for two people. But Sirius didn't have that much stuff, nor had I. We had a small kitchen, one wall of which had been painted red. The bathroom was small, too, but my bed was standing in front of the window and Sirius' next to the door and we shared the wardrobe, and everything went quite fell.

The first morning, I woke up at seven and it took a few minutes for me to realize where I was. Then I turned to look at Sirius who was snoring quite loudly his messy, black hair falling to his face and neck. I lay thirty minutes watching him before I got up and went to take a shower. When I came back, he was sitting on his bed naked besides socks.

I yelped.

'Morning', he said, his voice cracking a bit. 'Did you already have breakfast?'

'No.'

He turned to stare at me and laughed probably because I had blushed. 'Please, breathe. You have seen me before.'

'Not here.'

'Oh', he said, looking around. I thought I could see a bit of red color rising to his cheeks, too, but he never blushed easily, anyway, so I couldn't be sure. 'Well, we just have to live with it, I guess. What do you want to eat? I'm quite sure I saw some bread somewhere…'

'I missed you.'

He shut his mouth, blinking. 'Yeah. What were you doing for the whole summer, anyway? I thought you would at least visit us.'

'I was at home. Reading, mainly. You didn't invite me.'

'I thought you might want to get rid of me', he said, biting his lower lip. 'You know, we never… really talked… I wasn't sure if you… wanted… well. And I was planning just to see how things would go, but then you were at James' and I couldn't bear to think that you'd disappear again.'

'This isn't going to do any good for us', I said, swallowing hard.

He shrugged. 'I don't know. I just can't see any other way.'

I nodded. It was so clear and I knew it. We hadn't got a chance. I could go back to my parents' place and never write to him and still it wouldn't change anything, it would just make us both more miserable.

I was almost happy to realize it.

'Do you have milk?' I asked.

His eyebrows rose.

'The breakfast.'

'Oh. I'm not sure. You have to check.'

'I'll make us something', I said and left for kitchen.

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'Sirius, you have to find a girl', Alice Longbottom was saying. 'And please, be fast. That girl with brown hair has been staring at you for five minutes.'

'Oh, she's my cousin', James said having glanced at the girl. 'Jenny. A bit annoying at first but quite nice when she shuts up.'

'You don't have to take care of me, really', Sirius said. He was wearing a Muggle suit and it looked really good on him. I thought I might have some difficulties with self-control after we got back to our place.

'But you aren't dating anyone, are you?' Alice Longbottom asked.

'Not really', Sirius said. His voice was cheerful but he was patting his stomach absently, and I knew he was getting tired of them asking those questions. I was tired, too. I wanted to pull him away from James and Alice and Frank and all the other people, but there was no chance. You can't escape your best friend's wedding.

'Oh, Lily's staring at me', James said happily. 'I guess she wants me to save her from her uncle. Sorry, I've got to go now.'

'We should go and dance, shouldn't we, Frank?' Alice asked her husband.

'Do we have to?'

'This is James' and Lily's wedding, love.'

Frank Longbottom sighed and threw a quick glance at Sirius before leaving. I grabbed a glass of wine and sat down beside him.

'I don't feel I should be here', he muttered.

'It's their wedding.'

'Yeah. I used to think I'd have my own some day.'

I closed my eyes. 'You don't have to say that.'

'I think I do', he said blankly. I felt him staring at me and opened my eyes just to see him looking confused and lost. 'This… er, thing, us… it's not gonna fade, is it? Alice will die before I have a girlfriend.'

'I don't know.'

'I can't imagine it fading', he said quietly. A couple was dancing rather near to us, their arms wrapped together like they had been scared of losing each other. 'Nor I want to.'

I nodded. 'Me neither. I've been trying to think why it happened, but I…'

'Don't try', he said, suddenly firmly. 'It just happens. And we're doing pretty well.'

'Yeah.'

'Excuse me?' James' cousin was leaning against the wall, staring at Sirius. 'I was wondering, if you maybe wanted to dance?'

Sirius looked at me. I nodded and watched them going away and leaning to each other, Sirius' arm wrapped around her waist.

We left a bit early, but James and Lily couldn't see anyone besides each other and we both were too annoyed to chat with all those boring uncles and aunts and cousins. We were going to walk a bit and then go home, but there happened to be sort of nice-looking pub in our way. We staid there until Sirius was singing some song involving old wizard that went to the forest and met a wolf, and then I decided that it was time to disappear.

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We joined the Order of the Phoenix in November. James and Lily were the first to do it, and after a few weeks the rest of us got curious and eventually we found out. When December the third came, we were still being trained, but an attack to the Diagon Alley wasn't something they could manage with just a few people. I remember the startled expectation in Sirius' eyes and how my own hands were shaking when I grabbed my wand.

And that's pretty much everything I remember. There was a lot of smoke and ash, breaking buildings and screaming people. I could do nothing but try to stay alive. Only in the morning when we got back to home I realized that my limbs were almost numb because of the tiredness and there was drained blood all over my arms.

I think Andromeda Tonks took us home. Right after she had closed the door and left Sirius wrapped his arms on my waist.

I couldn't breathe. I pushed him against the wall, grabbed his face and kissed him like it had been the only thing I ever wanted to do. He kissed me back fiercely, my mouth and my neck and my chest, and I couldn't make myself move back. I let him open the buttons of my shirt and tried not to yelp when the sleeve got stuck on the wound that I had in my arm. He kissed my forehead and ear and pulled the shirt gently away.

'Fuck', he muttered against my bare skin. I could feel his mouth following an old scar I had on my chest. 'Please, Remus.'

'We're exhausted…'

'I can't think', he yelped. 'Please. Bedroom.'

I grabbed his shoulders as we stumbled there, passing the kitchen that still had half-eaten pieces of bread on the table. I don't know who pushed whom but then we were both in the bed, I was trying to get rid off his shirt and I could feel his fingers on my stomach as he tried to take care of my belt. He was everywhere, his breaths and smell and hands and legs, and finally I closed my eyes and saw only red, red as the blood had been, but Sirius was there, his mouth kissing slightly my shoulder and then I fell asleep.

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'James' fine. He got hit on his head but he was just a bit dizzy. Lily was practically trying to eat his face for relief, so maybe it affected, too.'

'Do you know what happened to Frank? I though I heard him shouting. It sounded pretty bad.'

'I'm not sure', Sirius frowned, stopping to lean against the wall. 'I think I remember seeing him afterwards. But I'm not sure.'

'I think I could go straight back to sleep', I said, trying to make myself drink a cup of tee, even though I felt quite nauseous.

'We didn't sleep too much', Sirius said.

'But we got up late. I should feel better.'

He sighed. 'No. We were attacked. You should feel completely worn out. It's normal.'

'I'm quite jealous.'

'What?'

'To James. Because he has Lily to kiss him when she realizes they're both alive.'

'I kissed you.'

I nodded, wanting to keep my mouth shut but I simply couldn't. 'If I was a girl, you should marry me.'

I heard him gasp and turned to look at him. He looked surprised, but not startled or terrified or nauseous. At least it was a good sign. We would get back to the normal, forget everything like we always did. That was how it worked. Everything happens and let it happen but don't talk about it.

'I guess I would', he said suddenly.

I blinked. He rubbed his eyes with his hands and then walked across the kitchen to sit next to me. There was still a drop of drained blood on his neck, but I didn't want to tell him go to take another shower. Not now.

'I suck at talking, you know', he said watching through the window. 'But yes, I would. Or if I was a girl.' He grinned slightly. 'Even though I'm quite sure that you'd make a better girl than me.'

I didn't want to laugh. 'I never know what's happening. Do you realize it? James and Lily have someone to kiss in front of the whole Order when they realize that they've both survived. And they're married. I have a friend with whom I share a flat and snog and shag once in a while when we both want to.'

The expression in his eyes tensed. 'You can leave, you know. If you want to.'

I shook my head. 'No.'

He inhaled. 'Yeah. I suppose you can't. And you know… I can't leave, either. It's not like I've got an option, and I don't even want one.'

'I don't get why it happened.'

'I'm trying not to think about it', he said. 'We'll never have a reason.'

'I need a reason', I said. I felt my throat thickening and wanted to throw something to the wall. 'Fuck. I'm in love with you and I need a reason.'

He pressed his mouth against mine and I closed my eyes. After a moment he moved back, his lips touching slightly my jaw.

'There's no reason', he muttered. 'But you aren't alone.'

'Excuse me?'

'I'm in love with you, Remus Lupin', he said, his voice husky and his mouth pressed against my neck. 'It sucks, I know. We can't have the wedding, but we could buy a double bed and claim that it's totally because of practical reasons, because it saves some space. And I'll never throw your books out off the window.'

I pressed my fingers against his neck. He felt warm and real and I would never understand why I had to be there, why I had to love him even though there would have been thousands of people with whom it could have been much easier.

But I couldn't really complain.

'I think I need some coffee', Sirius muttered.