Authors Note- This is just a little oneshot that's been running around in my head for a while. I'm sure you've all seen the little internet joke that inspired this, so I won't bore you with reposting it.
If you have the time, please check out my multichapter fic 'The Flower Princess'
Disclaimer- If I owned harry Potter, it would have had a very different ending.
"So, little brother." Ron glanced up at Fred. Or was it George? He never could tell.
"Reckon it's time we had a little chat-" The other added.
"Can this wait? Harry wants me to look over these Quidditch plays." He asked.
The twins carried on as if he hadn't spoken at all. Sometimes Ron hated having older brothers. Still, they were better than younger sisters.
"Bout the birds and the bees-" Ron's eyes widened in horror as the one he thought was Fred continued.
"-The Unicorns and the Wackspurts-" George added with a flourish of his hands for emphasis.
"-The Giants and Centaurs-" Now, that was just ridiculous.
"Is that even possible?" He asked.
George or Fred or whichever twin it was looked at him conspiratorially before continuing.
"So naive, little brother."
"The Blast-Ended Skrewts and the Crups-"
Ron felt like gagging. No creature would do…That….with a Blast-Ended Skrewt. At least he hoped not.
"Err. Let's not" he anxiously glancing between his brothers. They didn't need to be having this conversation. "Mum and dad covered this conversation. Painfully."
The twins shuddered in sympathy before continuing.
"But they didn't know, little brother-"
"-What we know."
The twins glanced meaningfully at each other before turning back to Ron.
"What you know?" Ron became anxious. They couldn't know about-there was no way they knew about-it just wasn't possible.
"We know about Peter."
Time froze. Ron looked between his brothers in confusion. They were both smiling condescendingly.
"Peter?" he asked.
"Not that we're not holding it against you, little brother."
"Peter?" he repeated.
"Nothing wrong with that sort of thing."
Ron was genuinely confused with the turn the conversation had taken. What were they on about? Most importantly, who the bloody hell was Peter?
"Percy used to always get it on with Wood in the Quidditch locker room."
"Quite likes the quaffles and the brooms, that one."
Ron gagged a little at that thought. That was definitely an image he didn't want in his head. Percy and Oliver? Merlin…
"And we all know what Charlie gets up o with those dragons."
What? Oh….Gross… Bring back the image of Percy and Oliver….
"No judgment coming from us."
Ron was judging his brother. That was just awful.
"But it's time we had a chat."
"About the things mum and dad wouldn't have known to tell you."
"Things you'll need to know for Peter."
"For Peter?" There was that bloody name again.
"Yes, Peter."
"We need to meet him."
"Who's Peter?"
The twins looked at him like he was stupid. Now Ron was a lot of things. He was awkward, and oblivious, and he may have been accused of having the emotional range of a teaspoon. But he wasn't stupid.
"He slept in your bed every night for years." One of the twins said.
"What?!" Ron had never slept with someone named Peter. He was certain of it.
"We saw it on the map."
"You know, Harry's map."
Harry' map? The Marauder's map…but…
"You saw me…sleeping…with someone named Peter?"
"Yes."
The twins were getting exasperated, which was never good with whoever they were talking with. Exasperation tended to lead to pranking.
"Things will be getting more serious, if you know what we mean."
"Now that you're getting older."
"So it's time we had our talk."
"I don't know what you're talking about." Ron deadpanned.
"We know little brother.
"No need to lie."
"We've been over this."
"It's okay that you're dating Peter."
"But I'm not." Why didn't they understand? He didn't know who this Peter was.
One of the twins scrunched up his eyebrows.
"So it's more casual than that?"
"More of a friends with benefits relationship?"
Ron's eyes widened.
"Because that's not a good idea, little brother."
"Things get complicated."
"Somebody will get attached."
"Someone always does when things get serious."
"I'm not-" Ron tried again.
"You deserve more than that, little brother."
"I'm not seeing Peter." Ron wished he wasn't having this conversation
"You are our brother, after all."
"Fine stock, the Weasley brothers."
"I don't know who Peter is." Ron looked pointedly at his brothers.
"Well that's nice, little brother.
"You've only been sleeping with the bloke for years."
Ron blushed red.
"Right heartbreaker you are, not even knowing his name."
Ron heard chuckling. He turned to see Harry leaning casually against the doorframe.
"He's not seeing Peter. He's seeing me." The raven haired seeker smiled mischievously at the twins.
The twins glanced between Harry and Ron.
"Well that explains a lot."
"Like why you didn't want to date Ginny."
"I don't suppose you want us to tell you about the birds and the bees."
"I think we've got that covered." Harry looked meaningfully at Ron, who unreliably turned even redder.
As the twins turned to leave they heard their brother mutter two words.
"Who's Peter?"