Bullock's fall meant the rise of the Butler's back into the realm of Atlanta's accepted society and that Christmas, for the first time since their wedding, they were once again at parties making polite conversation with the old cats. This time was different though; before it had been Scarlett who had tired to impress them while Rhett has stood in the corner, drink in hand, rolling his eyes and making snide comments but now their roles were reversed. Only Scarlett, for sake of propriety, was denied the comfort of alcohol to get her through these functions.
And she needed a drink. Badly.
Scarlett has always loved the Christmas season. How could she not adore a Holiday that involved giving, and more importantly, receiving gifts? More than that she loved the shiny ornaments and ostentatious flourishes in decoration. Suddenly the same people who frowned at her over decorated home were putting up ribbons and bows and stringing gold colored tinsel in their own homes. Even the normally dull religious services she had been brought up with were different during Christmas. Most of the year was about guilt, sacrifice, punishment, and the constant quest for forgiveness, but for that brief time at the end of the year it was about the miracle of Jesus' birth. The miracle of a child being brought into the world against all odds.
This season was different though. Instead of being cheered up by the ringing of bells, both those from the church and from the store's cash registers, she felt removed. Walking down the bustling street of Atlanta or standing alone in the parlor of her own home she felt detached, as if she was a ghost walking through life unable to interact with the living around her. Everything she ate was tasteless, every song she heard was muted, and even the chilly wind that would whip down Peachtree Street didn't touch her.
If anyone noticed the change they didn't comment on it. The workers at the store were still nervous whenever she walked into the room. Ashley continued to stay his distance from her, as he had ever since their final embrace on the day of his party. The children, even Bonnie who was so reckless in her love for her father, didn't come near her. And Rhett continued to be the perfect gentleman, polite in word and deed, as he had been since she returned from her convalescence at Tara.
Sometimes she wondered if maybe she had died during the fall. She'd died and now she was living in hell. After all, isn't that what Rhett had told her the day he proposed - that maybe there was no hell and we were living it now? She'd dismissed his talk that day but now she had to wonder if it hadn't been true. There was no way that firey torment could be any more damning than the empty days that she currently lived in.
The party at the Wilkes' that evening had expressly included the children, even though it was somewhat unusual. "Christmas really is for the children," Melanie had explained, "Why have them hid away? Besides, I think their might be a special surprise for them." Then she'd winked at Scarlett and flitted back into the kitchen. Wade had taken off with Beau and the other boys to play and Ella was standing behind Rhett's leg, still shy around large groups. Bonnie on the other hand was like a little Princess holding court as she toddled around saying hello to "Mwisses and Mwister Mead" and the "Barryweter's".
Scarlett watched Rhett's dark eyes, those two shadowy pools that never let anything escape them, were suddenly bright with admiration as he watched his daughter. Normally Scarlett felt a pang of jealousy seeing Rhett follow their child with the type of amused expression he once reserved for her alone but even that stinging emotion wasn't able to pierce her current mood. Without a look towards her Rhett took Ella by the hand and began walking after Bonnie and into the embrace of respectability that he'd once mocked so cruelly.
Scarlett moved next to the Christmas Tree, a small affair especially compared to the large spruce that occupied the Butler home. As she looked at the simple decoration she let her gaze roam around the room. Instead of searching out Ashley's form, as she used to do at these events, she found herself looking for Rhett. Watching him laugh with the children and smirk with the adults. A sigh from deep within escaped her lips and she felt a heaviness around her body. She wanted nothing more than to climb into bed and sleep for the rest of her life. She remembered the fairy story that Rhett would read to the girls about Sleeping Beauty. Oh, how nice it would be to sleep for a hundred years and then woken with a kiss to show that everything was okay again.
"Scarlett," Melanie's soft voice said from behind her, "Are you feeling okay?"
"Fine," she said mechanically. Her years of training kicked in and she began having a conversation based only on those polite statements she'd been taught in girlhood, never paying attention to what came out of her mouth or listening until she heard Melanie mention Ashley's furlough.
"What was that?" Scarlett asked.
"I was saying that Christmas is such a magical time. Remember during the war when Ashley came home. It was the last time that we were all together as a family, with John Wilkes and Honey around the table with us. Everyone was so hopefully then, just like now. Except now our hope isn't in vain. We've gotten our home back again."
Yes, that had been a happy time. The first time that Ashley had ever kissed her. At one time she'd used that memory to keep her warm during the cold nights at Tara, and she tried to use it again to break the ice that had fallen over her as of late. But it wasn't strong enough. In fact, she only felt somewhat disgusted by it now. The detachment that Scarlett felt in the world also invaded her memory and for the first time she was able to view the scene from the outside. To see Ashley, just leaving his wife, and walking downstairs for an illicit moment with his sister-in-law. For the first time she was able to really see that the look in Ashley's face wasn't love, but something far more base. Even worse, his request for Scarlett to look after Melanie hadn't been purely academic. He'd had a somewhat embarrassed blush on his pale features.
At once the truth hit Scarlett with the force of a physical punch. He suspected he may have gotten Melanie with child. Of course it had been obvious, if she'd ever cared to think about it, that Beau had been conceived during that time. There was no other possibility. But Scarlett had been so wrapped up in her own romantic remembrance of Ashley's kisses that she hadn't let reality get in the way. Ashley had come down from spending the night with his wife to kiss, however unwillingly, Scarlett. In her head she could hear Rhett's bitter voice telling her that all Ashley cared about was her body. It was true. It was horribly true. And just as Rhett had gone from her bed to that Watling creature, Ashley had turned from Melanie to her.
"Scarlett?" Melanie said, "Scarlett? Are you okay? Do you need to sit down?"
She nodded slightly before her knees gave out and she collapsed.