A/N: So here I am with a first Tsubasa fanfic. Was written both as a need to write down what it feels like to be a sex-repulsed asexual to me - frustrations, disgust, a desire for love despite everything - and a need to do something for my little invisible community. I hope this helps raise awareness a little bit. I wrote this from kurogane's point of view even though it is Fai who is Asexual in this, in hopes to capture both sides and show that an asexual/sexual relationship is possible. Call me a sucker for romance and fairytales, I wouldn't argue :)

Also, Kurogane is not that much detached from his feelings like he is in the manga, since this is a college AU and he didn't have to go through all the shit he had to in the original plot, and Fai still has a brother, so less angst in that department as well. I hope I did well enough under those circumstances.

This is a multi-chapter, and there are two more chapters I'm gonna upload during this week.

Summary: "I find sex... repulsing. I've never even touched myself, never imagined others." The first time they met, Kurogane knew his life - as he knew it - was over. His name was Fai.

I own nothing.

Chapter 1:

The first time they met, Kurogane knew his life - as he knew it - was over.

He used to work at a music shop, a part-time job, just enough to cover his expenses while he studied - hard, mind you - to get his desired degree. He was going to become a professional photographer. Kurogane always felt more natural behind the camera than in front of it. He was an observer, silent and still.

It was in the middle of the afternoon on a very boring day that his life took the sharpest turn, and without a warning and unknowingly to him, took the first step in turning his world upside down. The shop was quiet and nearly empty at the time aside from Kurogane, who was busying himself with polishing the handles of the guitars they held on display across the wall behind the counter. He hummed to himself lowly a strange tune as his hand swiped the soft cloth over the smooth wooden surface. The bell above the doorway jingled, reminding Kurogane of one of those old black and white TV shows, and letting him know a customer had entered the shop. The humming stopped, and Kurogane looked up from the dark brown handle he was wiping, only half-interested.

And his breath stuck in his throat.

A blond young man - only a couple of years younger than him by the look of it - stepped silently inside, dazzling blue eyes meeting red and a soft smile spreading over his pale lips upon seeing the grumpy shopkeeper. He didn't say a word, and just simply wandered around in the store as quietly as cat, long and slender fingers running over the surface of one white grand piano that stood at the back of the shop. Kurogane wanted to ask if he needed some help, but the words refused to come out as his pulse sped up and instead he averted his eyes with a deep frown and an urge to kick himself, returning to his work on polishing the guitars with somewhat sharper movements.

After a while, the blond was gone.

He came there again that very same week, and the week after, and after, until it became something of a habit that Kurogane started waiting for eagerly, just to see him again. He never bought anything, and only repeated the same ordeal over and over again. Entering, observing, smiling softly whenever he caught Kurogane's eye, and leaving without saying a single word.

Eventually Kurogane got really tired of it and of what it did to him every time he saw the guy. It was both pissing him off for having such a huge effect on him and for making his heart beat faster, frustrating and exciting at the same time. He couldn't concentrate on anything when the man was around, and when he wasn't, Kurogane kept thinking about him and his stupid smile and wishing he'd come back.

So he decided. The next time he sees him, he'd ask him out.

He said yes.

His name was Fai, he told him with a soft, charming smile, resting his elbow over the counter as he leaned forwards a little - so close it made Kurogane's mouth feel dry, as if it was stuffed with cotton - the bluest blue of his eyes pulling Kurogane in, drowning him.

Fai D. Fluorite.

He had no idea what the D stood for, but one thing was sure - that guy was a witch, Kurogane decided. Definitely a witch. Nothing else could explain the way Fai D. Flourite made him feel. His voice was as soft as his smile, melodious and gentle, with a slow, feathery pace that made Kurogane all warm inside and made his throat go dry. He was an art junior, he told him. Going to the same college Kurogane went to, and this was his first semester, and his first time away from a twin brother, he said fondly with a look of longing in his sky-blue eyes, that looked just like him.

They decided to meet again that weekend. And when Fai left, Kurogane could only wish that Friday would hurry up and come faster.

The date went perfectly and smoothly, mostly thanks to Fai's constant and light chatter, as Kurogane was too occupied with keeping his heartbeats under control. Kurogane found out that Fai had a great sense of humor and a surprising strength of character, mistakenly hidden behind his delicate appearance. They ate a light meal in a nice coffee shop Fai knew, and honestly Kurogane couldn't for the life of him remember what he had to eat that evening. He was too busy staring.

They grabbed some ice cream on their way out, Kurogane's chocolate one dripping down his arm as Fai laughed, teasing him for his clumsiness. He came up with strange nicknames that made Kurogane develop a vague desire to punch him in the face, but it was overcome by his want to kiss him instead.

So he did it, when Fai prepared to leave.

His hand snuck behind the blond's back, and before he knew it, he was kissing him, tasting a faint sweetness of vanilla ice cream on his lips. Fai didn't respond at first, and just stood there, surprised but still.

And then he wrapped an arm around Kurogane's neck, and hesitantly kissed him back. And it was better than Kurogane ever imagined it would be.

They became official after that. Date nights and stolen kisses between classes, hands brushing and shoulders touching whenever they ran into each other in the pearly white halls of the campus. At first, Kurogane wasn't sure how he'd feel to be seen in public with another man, since he never actually left the closet. But when he first saw Fai waving at him from the other end of the hall, he thought, 'Screw it. They can think whatever.' and kissed him right there.

Kurogane would never be able to spot the exact moment he realized he'd rather be with the wonderfully annoying blond than be without him, and he didn't really care. He cherished Fai and he was pretty sure Fai liked him as well, and he was happy with that. For the first time in his life, he was happy.

Kurogane wasn't your typical young man when it came to libido. Sex was never a major part of his life. Sure, he had the occasional encounters, since he was pretty good looking and didn't have any troubles getting some. But ever since he met Fai, he stopped.

He desired only him. He used to think about it at night, and when he woke up. He tried to imagine how Fai would look like, naked, sprawled over his bed, soft blond bangs falling over his eyes as he would shiver whenever Kurogane touches him. He took long showers, mind filled with images and thoughts about the one man he couldn't get out of his head.

He wanted him.

But Fai never tried to initiate anything but gentle kisses and soft touches, and Kurogane didn't want to push him into something this big before he was ready.

So he just kept silent, and let his desire grow slowly.

So when one day Kurogane's built up needs finally reached a breaking point, it wasn't much of a surprise.

They were lying on Fai's bed in the dorms after a particularly long day in the campus. Fai's back was pressed against Kurogane's chest, his chin propped on his palm as he adjusted his reading glasses, shuffling through a thick book about the progress of art through history. Kurogane watched him read, one arm draped over Fai's waist as the other lazily played with soft strands of blond hair.

'So soft,' He thought, breath coming out slowly as he stared at the way Fai's lean body curved and pressed against him.

The hand on his waist shifted a little, sneaking under Fai's shirt and towards his waistband.

Fai froze, breath hitching.

"What are you doing." He whispered, not even a question. Kurogane stared at his still shoulder, confused and for some reason, just a tiny bit upset with Fai's reaction. They were dating for months now. Did he not want Kurogane too?

"What does it look like I'm doing?" He growled quietly, a tad harsher than he intended to. Fai didn't move a muscle for a long, long minute. But then he took his reading glasses off and folded them, then shifted away from Kurogane and sat up, his back still turned to him.

"No."

Kurogane sat up as well, the faint irritation he felt before now doubled as he stared at the slender back in front of him, confused, and even though he'd never admit it - hurt. Did that mean Fai wasn't as in love with him as he believed him to be? Kurogane wanted to believe they were perfect for each other, and that Fai felt the same way as he did. Thinking his desire might be one-sided was... heartbreaking.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He asked, some of his frustration seeping into his voice. Fai shifted again, sad blue eyes finding his. There was something in them - regret? Kurogane thought, even more confused than before.

"I can't." He said softly, and at Kurogane's confused glare, he clarified. "Have... sex, that is."

"What do you mean?" Kurogane growled. He couldn't understand. What was this all about? Didn't Fai like him back? Or maybe was it that he was a virgin and that's why he was so worried about it? "If it's because you never had any, you don't have to worry, I won't do anything that-"

"That's not it." Fai cut him off, now turned fully to face Kurogane, troubled blue eyes begging him to understand. "I can't do it. Ever."

"What?"

"I..." Fai tried to find the right words, worrying the inside of his cheek. "I find sex... repulsing. I've never even touched myself, never imagined others." He said, eyes watching Kurogane's expression for any changes. The older man's face was blank. "I never had any... sexual desire, or sexual attraction towards other people, and the mere thought of having someone, you know..." He drifted off, lowering his eyes to stare at his knees, his heart beating fast in his chest. "That doesn't mean I can't feel, or fall in love, because I do love you..." He whispered and pressed a pale hand to his own chest as if pleading Kurogane to see how sincere he was, his voice dropping with every word as the little confidence he had slipped away, and Kurogane froze at the words he'd never heard before. "...I really do. But if sex is what you are looking for with me, then I'm... I'm not the right one." The words broke his heart, the bluest blue eyes Kurogane have ever seen swimming.

Kurogane could only simply stare as Fai's words sunk into his brain. He could not decipher the meaning of it. Will they never be close in that way? Will he never have Fai fully, the way he always imagined it? And if he'd choose to stay with Fai, would that mean he'd never have sex again, ever...? That was a little bit too much to ask, even from someone like him, he thought to himself bitterly, his chest feeling hollow. How is that possible...?

And before he could stop himself, the words flew out.

"I don't know if I can do that."

Blue eyes shot up to look at him, wide and full of hurt and loss. He still dared to hope, despite everything-

"I see." Fai barely whispered.

Weight shifted on the bed, legs falling to the cold floor. Kurogane got up and moved towards the door, his mind still reeling like a train full of explosive material. He needed to think, he needed to get away from there, from those piercing blue eyes that suddenly seemed like they lost their light. He didn't even look back as he opened the door, and just stepped outside, leaving Fai still kneeling on the bed with his head bowed and his shoulders trembling.

And when the door closed behind him, he could still hear the broken, muffled sob that echoed with the same grief in his own heart.

A/N: Well? Like it? Hated it? Reviews are very much appreciated :)