Disclaimer: All of Primeval's wonderful characters are (sadly) not mine! I just like to toy around with them… Quite literally in this story!
A/N: PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE READING THE STORY! Okay, I think this story might need some (okay: a lot of) clarification xD It was written for my best friend's 18th birthday (I posted it on her Facebook) but… I told her that I still needed to work on it. I said I'd change the dialogue into a real story (so without *…* for actions etc.) and that I'd post it on FanFiction while she was away (she's been to Australia for 10 months) but… As you can see, I wasn't really able to keep my promise ^^' I did edit some of it (after all, we're a year later now, she's already celebrating her 19th birthday tomorrow!) but I still left everything in dialogue-form. Ignoring that fact, I still hope you (and especially my friend, Joke aka Jokey for whom this was written!) will all enjoy this story! :D
So basically, the main concept is: the Primeval characters have hacked into my account on my computer (yup, I'm also in this story) and are all trying to wish Jokey a happy birthday. Because I wrote this story about a year ago, there are some things in here that we didn't know back then but have now become clear in the series, for example Connor realising that Philip is a bad man (DUH!), Connor and Abby starting an engagement,... I tried to keep all of the cast in character, but you'll notice that I sometimes let them know more than they are supposed to know in the series, for example: Becker knows about Matt's father. Funny statements from the series are re-used and abused in a different context, old frustrations (especially concerning our poor Lester) come floating to the surface once again and everything just seems a bit... Abstract. And oh yes: dead people come back to life. ... Yeah, it sounds pretty odd when put like that and it probably really is quite odd as well, but still… Enjoy! ^^ And Jokey: I'd like to wish you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY in advance! :P
Happy Birthday
Me: My dear Jokey who has been my friend and fellow Primeval-addict for many, many glorious years - alright then, I've only known Primeval for about two and a half years, but let's just forget about that, shall we? So, ahem: I wish you the very best of birthdays today! Because you have now officially grown old (19 years already!), I will finally post this story here so that everyone can see what silly gits we are, playing around with the Primeval-characters and such! So: enjoy your birthday, Jokey!
James Lester: Well, yes, yes, happy birthday... Now go on with your life while I wallow in self-pity because I didn't get the title of Sir James Lester... But, you know, have a nice day and all, and forgive me the fact that we don't all jump up and congratulate you with a most foolish grin on our face like some do... *Looks at Connor* But anyway, enjoy your day! Perhaps tomorrow you'll be eaten by a giant Velociraptor... Just kidding! *Kiss*
Me: Erm, before I get killed: that kiss was my doing, er, not our good old Lester's…! But I can imagine this is all becoming a little bit confusing for those who don't know what's going on, so here's a short explanation of it all: Lester happened to hack my account with Jess's help to wish my friend Jokey here a happy birthday! Hmm, you see now: he does care about you, Jokey…
Lester: Oi, the fact that I just happen to be great at hacking accounts - alright, alright, that JESS is great at hacking accounts... - doesn't mean that you have to extol Jokey so on my account! I never said I cared about her...
Me: Ha, but you never said that you didn't care about her either…!
Lester: Alright, fine, of course... You win. I do care about you, Jokey... But if you dare say that to anyone else present, I will have you thrown through the nearest anomaly possible and have it locked behind you!
Me: Alright, to put it another way: Lester likes you a lot and wishes you - just like me - a very very very happy birthday!
Lester: ... Yes, what she says. Happy birthday.
Connor Temple: Oh really? It's your birthday? Well, then I shall have to kiss you, don't I? *Walks to Jokey with an eager grin on his face until Abby grabs him by his collar*
Abby Maitland: Connor... You've already wished her a happy birthday. And kissed her. Five. Times. Already!
Connor: ... Oh really...? Strange, I don't seem to remember...
Abby: Of course not, you silly git, because she knocked you out blank when you even just tried to kiss her! You and your perverse ideas... How come I even like you?
Connor: Hey, no generalizations here... I only get perverse ideas when I'm near you! *Abby smacks Connor against the head* ... Ow.
Me: *Dryly* … How many more people are going to hack my account…?
Nick Cutter: It's not that difficult, you know.
Me: Hey! Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Nick: *Grins* Hmm, one of the sweet possibilities of being dead is that I can get into any computer I want... Well, not with my body, of course, that's long been disposed of, but you know, my soul will always live on and on and on...
Me: *Shivers*
Lester: I hope he's just joking, because I don't want him here anymore, not even if it's just his soul. *Hesitates* You... You can't look inside my bathroom, can you?
Nick: *Grins* Oh, you should know what I can do...
Lester: *Gulps*
Connor: Really? You can do all that stuff? Awesome! This is even cooler than The Matrix!
Abby: Connor, you idiot, will you just shut up? You might be giving him ideas...
Me: Alright, anyone else? Are there more candidates to hack my poor little account to either wish Jokey a happy birthday or to torment me?
Emily Merchant: Well, I don't know a lot about computers... How do these things even work?
Jess Parker: Oh, I can explain everything about them to you over a good cup of hot chocolate milk... Becker, could you be so kind as to get us some chocolate? Nothing with...
Becker: Nothing with orange in it, right?
Jess: *Blushes*Yes, indeed... And tell Matt that he has to come over here as well to wish Jokey here a happy birthday!
Becker: I think he's too busy mourning that creepy old man... Never thought that would be his father.
Jess: What creepy old man? Becker, just because you know the actor of the creepy old man in person, doesn't mean that your character also does! We never even met him!
Matt Anderson: Indeed, how do you know about my father?
Becker: ... Because I'm the alpha male. I'm supposed to know everything. Just look at it as if I'm James Bond.
Matt: James Bond? Ha, don't make me laugh... We all know that a Scottish or Irish actor gets the leading part, you're just part of the supporting cast... So if there's anyone who may call himself something along the lines of "James Bond", then it's me!
Jess: *Sighs happily* Hmm, Becker... James Bond... 'My name is Becker. James Becker.' No, that just sounds odd...
Lester: James? Did I hear my name?
Me: And now, will everyone just stop taking over my account please?
Connor: Actually, I'm still left with a bit of a question... Who is this Jokey-person?
Abby: *Sighs exasperatedly* Connor! You just kissed her like, a hundred times!
Connor: Yeah, but those were virtual kisses! Who is she in real life?
Lester: Oh, I don't know, perhaps only the greatest Primeval-fan alive? And you call yourself a genius? My goodness, perhaps it's all the better that you lock yourself up to work on good, good Sir Philip Burton's project (AAAARGH!) instead of helping the team on the field...
Connor: I told you guys a hundred times, it's very important and it could change the world as we know it!
Lester: Indeed, you might just make us all become extinct. Nice project, Connor, very intelligent.
Connor: Hey, you're not supposed to know that already! Nor do I...
Jess: Can we please just stop now and answer Connor's question? Who is Jokey?
Lester: Think Velocirap - oh, no, that was Christine Johnson... Well, just think "Dodo", only cuter and without a smelly, creepy parasite inside...
Connor: Ooooh, Jokey! Now I remember! I think she was one of the Belgian fans who wasn't all too pleased with the fact that only members of the U.K. could win prices or go to the premiere of Primeval season 5 and all that exclusive stuff...
Lester: But well, she now has got something exclusive: us wishing her a happy birthday! Although I don't know why I'm involved in this…
Matt: Indeed. And she's always welcome here in the team as the alpha female next to Becker!
Becker: ... I can't say I'd dislike that.
Jess: Becker, you-!
Becker: What? Is there something you need to tell me, Jess?
Jess: *Blushes* Well... Never mind. I hope you'll realise it in just a few episodes...
Becker: *Frowns*
Nick: By the way, where's Claudia Brown?
Lester: Claudia Brown? *Sighs exasperatedly* How many times must we tell you? There is no Claudia Brown! There has never been anyone here going by that name!
Nick: If only you had known her, then you would've spoken differently. Well then. Where's Jenny?
Connor: Off on her honeymoon, of course! *Abby glares daggers at him* Oh, sorry… Probably shouldn't have said that, right?
Nick: She got married?
Lester: Yes, only some time ago. I even performed the marriage vows…
Nick: *Frowns* You? The marriage vows? What happened that you let it come that far?
Connor: Well, there were some, erm… Minor problems during the marriage…
Lester: Yes, your former team got attacked by a pair of hyenas. Must've been a great wedding…
Connor: Technically, they're called Hyaenodons, so-
Lester: *Rolls eyes* Do I look like I care if it were Hyaeno-somethings or giant prehistoric mice?
Becker: *Whispers in Abby's ear* He actually looks like he never cares at all…
Nick: So, what exactly happened after I…?
Lester: We buried your body of course.
Nick: *Clenches jaw* Yes, I may hope so, but who took over from me?
Danny Quinn: That would be me.
Abby: Danny? Aren't you supposed to chase after Ethan in some other time?
Danny: Well, if even he could make it here from the Land of the Dead… *Cocks head at Nick* Then why shouldn't I?
Matt: You do realise that I'm the official team leader now?
Danny: Yeah, and I can see you guys are all in the right hands… Though Connor, I sometimes worry about you. I mean: trusting Philip Burton over Abby?
Connor: … You're not supposed to know that. How come you know that? How come that everyone here knows these really intimate things about me even though they didn't see it for themselves?
Danny: Well, rumours spread.
Connor: To the past and the future?
Danny: All I can say is: time is relative.
Connor: And that's your explanation? For all I know, Sarah or Stephen could pop up any moment and tell stories about my blue underwear!
Lester: Actually, you wear yellow underwear. *All stare at Lester* It wasn't my fault that he decided not to wear any pants in my house when I proposed he could temporarily live with me.
Nick: … He lived with you? *Looks at Connor who's not all too discreetly checking the colour of his underwear* How did you cope?
Connor: *Looks up* Who, Lester or me?
Nick: Anyway, if we're all popping up here… Then where's Helen?
Lester: She's dead.
Nick: Dead? As in… Not alive anymore?
Lester: Dead, deceased, non-existent, gone, no longer from this world, killed by a sad coincidence involving Quinn, a cliff and one angry little Velociraptor… How many more synonyms do you want?
Nick: Well, but why isn't she here then? We've all come back, right?
Connor: Yeah, Philip isn't here either…
Lester: For which I am very grateful.
Connor: And Sarah and Stephen are missing as well…
Lester: We can cope without them, thank you, I don't like the theory of the dead paying visits to us.
Nick: And where's that woman who tried to take over the ARC… Christine Johnson?
Lester: Ugh, please leave her out of this… Or I will leave.
Becker: *Mumbles to Jess* Seems fair…
Connor: And I can name you some more people too. Captain Ryan, Jack, Ethan, April, Tom, Duncan, Oliver Leek…
Lester: Leek? I'd rather die myself than meet him once again.
Nick: But why aren't they here, then?
Me: *Intervenes* Duh, isn't it obvious? I'm only letting the people Jokey likes wish her a happy birthday… Or, in your case, first hack my account and then wish her a happy birthday. It's just your luck that she likes nearly everyone from the main cast. But actually, Danny… You're a bit of a mistake. She doesn't really like you. Never has. Sorry.
Danny: Oh, great, first I'm removed from the series and now I'm insignificant!
Lester: Hmm, that phrase reminds me of one of my own statements…
Me: Anyway, I will not allow anyone else to pop up here except for you guys. You alright with that?
Connor: Sure! It's nice to know that Jokey likes me… I'm a real ladies man, you see.
Abby: *Glares at Connor* Connor…!
Connor: What? It's true! I do alright with the ladies, I'm just… Choosy! Besides, you're a girl, and you just happened to fall for my charms, didn't you?
Abby: Oh please. You were drooling all over me. It wasn't exactly charming.
Connor: But… You do love me, right?
Abby: Of course I do, you silly twat! It's just that I don't think that you would ever… *Stops when she sees Connor's pleading puppy-eyes* Never mind. Yes, Connor, I love you, you know that.
Lester: Well, yes, yes, that's all very emotional and all… But does this mean that I must perform the marriage vows yet again, then?
Connor: *Looks at Abby* Well, you know. Maybe. Possibly. Probably. Yes.
Abby: *Stammers* Erm, let's just keep it at "perhaps", shall we?
Lester: You do realise that I was being sarcastic, right?
Emily: I think it's all rather romantic. Don't you think so, Matt?
Matt: Erm…
Jess: Yeah, don't you think so, Becker?
Becker: *Gulps* Y-Yeah…
Nick: *Whispers in Connor's ear* Do it while you still can. I didn't get the chance… But for the both of you, it's never too late.
Connor: *Smiles* Thanks, professor. I'll keep that in mind while I'm fighting dinosaurs.
Lester: Leave the jokes to me, would you please?
Me: Come on, guys, we're drifting off… You do remember the purpose of this all, right? Jokey? Her birthday?
All: Sure!
Me: Alright then… Then why don't we just say it one more time to finish this for once and for all? All together now… Three, two, one…
All (including me!): HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOKEY! HAVE A VERY NICE DAY!