A/N: My rendition of 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'.
For devilbk, beta extraordinaire who refreshingly tells it like it is.
XXX
Sheldon exited the train store with a frown on his face. Since Leonard couldn't drive him to the store he'd taken the bus and the amount of time it ate up in travel meant Sheldon would be late for dinner at Big Boy. The only way he could maintain his schedule was if he took a cab. He flagged one down and went to the front passenger side window.
"Excuse me, but could I see your taxi license?" he said.
"It's valid," the driver said gruffly.
"I expect as much. I just want to make sure you look like the picture." Sheldon's eyes flicked between the photo and the driver.
"Do you want a ride or what?"
Sheldon nodded and, satisfied the license was, indeed, for the driver, got into the back seat. He did up his seatbelt and asked to be taken to the Big Boy on Cleaver Avenue.
As he gazed out the side window, Sheldon did his best to get the something out of his chest. It wasn't anger at Leonard as Sheldon had felt this—anxiety?—come and go since he got up in the morning. He checked his watch. It was after six. His stomach did a flip. Sheldon frowned as he ran over his master list of things to do. Am I forgetting something? His eidetic memory went through his day, finding nothing out of sorts.
And yet the moment the cab pulled in front of Big Boy he knew that a single layer hamburger patty had a better bun to burger ratio.
"Keep driving," Sheldon said. The driver checked out his passenger through the rear view mirror before obliging. "Go left on Overton Avenue."
As they drove, Sheldon would tell the man to turn here or exit there, but there really wasn't a rhyme nor reason for this. Again Sheldon checked his watch.
"Could you hurry it up?" he asked.
"It'd help if you told me where we are going," said the driver as he sped up.
"We're not going anywhere—turn at Cassandra and keep going."
Many businesses flashed before Sheldon's eyes as he leaned forward between the seats to scout out the area. Before the driver could object, Sheldon pointed excitedly to the left.
"Pull in there," he said.
"You sure?" the driver said as he turned into the center lane and signaled.
"Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be sure?"
The car turned into the parking lot. Sheldon paid the driver and exited the vehicle.
He really couldn't say that he'd eaten there before, but for some reason he had a hankering for it.
"Must have seen a commercial," he shrugged as he opened the door and entered The Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon approached the reception area, oblivious to the wide-eyed stare of the hostess.
"I'd like a table for one," he said. The hostess consulted her seating chart.
"No funny business or you're out of here," she warned as she took a menu and led the way to the tables.
"Why would I conduct 'funny business' at an eating establishment? The preparation and ingesting of food are serious matters, not—" He stopped at a table. "This one will do."
"Your table is over here," the hostess insisted.
"No, I like this one." Sheldon looked around the room. "This one allows easy access to the exit, in case of fire, and the washroom, without being so close that weather or nefarious smells could disrupt my eating. Furthermore, I'm facing the bar and ordering kiosk, which allows me to—"
"Fine, fine." With a frown the hostess set the menu down on the table and departed for the bar as Sheldon sat. He opened the menu and immediately his eyes focussed on the hamburger section.
A short blonde-haired waitress carrying two dinners on a serving tray came out of the kitchen.
"Hey Penny," said the manager from behind the bar. "You've got your audition tomorrow so take off early. I'll cover the time."
"You sure? We're pretty slammed here," Penny said as she looked around the crowded restaurant.
"Break a leg, kiddo." She grinned at her manager and went to the table, missing his smile turning into a concerned expression.
After serving her customers, Penny noticed that the man in her area hadn't been greeted yet. She looked to Tracy, who was busy with a family of five, and decided to give her fellow waitress a hand. Penny took up a glass of iced water from the stand and approached him.
"Hi, I'm Penny," she said as she set his water on the table. "Your waitress is busy at the moment so I thought I'd—"
"You're not my waitress?" Sheldon said as he read the menu. "And yet you touched my drinking glass?" The strength of his gaze struck her as his blue eyes rose to meet hers. "Under whose authority are you deemed the 'water-glass toucher'?"
"Under no one's authority." She put on a smile. "Everyone here gets a glass of water, is all."
"After every Betty–Ann and Peggy puts her hand on the glass," muttered Sheldon as he went back to his menu.
"Penny."
"Hmm?"
"You said Peggy. My name is Penny," the waitress said, trying her best to remain friendly.
"Of course it is. You told me when you greeted me, although why you bothered to do so since you're not going to be my waitress." He shook his head. "A complete waste of time." He set down his menu on the table. "What hamburger do you suggest?"
"They're all pretty good," Penny said dryly. "I'm sure your waitress could—"
"Your barbecue bacon cheeseburger, it's single layer?"
"One patty, yup. But like I said I'm not your—"
"You've got a pad and pen in your apron," Sheldon said as he took out a sanitizing wipe from his pocket.
"Fine," Penny said with a flick of a scowl across her brow as she saw Sheldon using the wipe to clean his water glass. "And what will the kind sir be having this evening?"
"Doctor. And I'll have the barbecue bacon cheeseburger. Barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side."
Penny stopped writing. "On the side?" Sheldon made to speak. "On the side it is. Although you won't get more than if you get the kitchen to put it together for you."
"Having the burger arrive pre-assembled makes it harder for me to verify the quality of the beef," Sheldon explained as he handed Penny the menu. "I'll also have a lemonade."
"And one lemonade," Penny wrote. "No problem. And don't worry, we haven't killed anyone here so your burger will be—"
Sheldon's eyes widened. "No one was killed? As to what, no one was accidentally poisoned or choked on a stray chicken bone in a casserole or slipped on a wet floor in the washroom or—"
Penny opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out and so she left.
"Whackadoodle," she said under her breath as she went to the kiosk to punch in his order. She then went into the back, untied her apron and stuck it in the box, before taking out her purse from the cupboard.
After exchanging pleasantries with the cook, Penny exited out the rear door. It was a long day and she really needed a tub soaking to relax so she'd be at her best for the audition tomorrow. She pulled out her keys as she got to her car, opened it, and plunked down into the seat. A flick of the wrist and the key turned but after a weird, growling sound from the engine, all went quiet.
"Aw, not now," she hissed and tried again to start the car to no avail. "Unbelievable."
Penny popped the hood on her car and got out. She opened the hood and took a look at the engine. Granted, she'd never worked on a car before but she did rebuild her father's tractor engine when she was twelve. Of course it had taken her a couple of weeks to do that and she needed to get this done now.
She pulled out her phone but couldn't bring herself to dial. This would be another expense on her already overtaxed credit card.
"Maybe this will be a little job," she sighed.
"I highly doubt it," said Sheldon from behind, making Penny jump.
"What are you doing here? I thought you were eating?" she sputtered as she stepped away from him.
"Well you can hardly blame me for not wanting to eat there given the extreme possibility of accidental death," he sniffed as he held up his bag of take-out. "I was about to call a cab when I spotted you." He regarded the engine. "What seems to be the matter?"
"I dunno. I went to turn the ignition but it's deader than a doornail."
"Maybe it's the starter, or perhaps the battery?"
"Naa, it's probably the engine."
"Unusual for it to just quit willy-nilly," Sheldon said as he looked over the engine. "Usually the check engine light comes on."
"The problem wasn't with the light. It was merrily blinking away. It's the damn engine that crapped out."
Sheldon looked to her in shock. "How long was it blinking?"
"Anyways, I better get calling the tow truck," Penny growled as she slid in front of him and closed the hood.
"Do you have a specific garage in mind?"
"One that accepts bad cheques."
"I don't think any of them accept bad cheques."
"Sarcasm, sweetie," Penny said as she looked up tow truck drivers on her phone.
"I see," Sheldon said as he straightened. "While I could walk away because of the slight, my mother raised me to aid a woman in distress." He took out his phone. "Let me call AAA."
"You don't have to," Penny said. "I've got it covered."
"You just intimated that you're short on funds. AAA provides me with a specific number of free tows," he said as he dialed.
"But you'll need them for your own car."
"I don't drive."
Penny raised an eyebrow. "So why do you have AAA?"
"I ride in motor vehicles and don't want to be stranded at the side of a highway," he said and turned away from her to talk to the AAA agent.
Penny stared at this strange man before cracking a smile.
XXX
"You do realize that only addressing what's superficially wrong with the engine will cost you more in the long run," Sheldon said as he and Penny walked through a park near the garage.
"Tell that to my wallet," Penny sighed. "As far as it's concerned I just spent three shoe shopping trips to the Glendale Galleria in one shebang."
"That's a lot of shoes."
"No, not really. About four or five pairs at most."
Sheldon's eyes widened. "Four or five pairs? What are you buying, diamond encrusted shoes?"
"Nice shoes cost money," Penny huffed.
"My shoes are functional, stylish and didn't cost an arm and a leg," said Sheldon as he delayed a step to show his brown leather orthopedic shoe.
"I'll keep that in mind the next time I want to pull off the Frankenstein look."
Sheldon pursed his lips. "Frankenstein's monster wore boots. Besides, to follow your analogy you'd be the Bride of Frankenstein's monster."
"So Frankenstein wasn't the monster?"
They came to a bench and Penny sat.
"That's my spot," he said and, after a pause, she moved over. "That's a common misnomer," Sheldon continued as he pulled out a sanitary wipe and proceeded to clean his spot. "Dr. Frankenstein created his unnamed monster." He tossed his wipe in the garbage can to the right of the bench and sat.
"I see." Penny leaned back against the bench. "You said at the restaurant that you're a doctor."
"A physicist."
"You mean like a rocket scientist?" Penny said, awed.
"Most definitely not," Sheldon sniffed. "I'm a theoretical physicist."
Penny grinned. "So you pretend you're a physicist?"
Sheldon glared at her smile. "That better be sarcasm," he warned.
In response she touched her nose twice before looking out at the rolling lawn of the park.
"I'm an actress," she said.
"What have you acted in?"
"Nothing as yet, but I'm taking acting lessons and go out to a butt-load of auditions."
"Ah. So you're an 'actress'," Sheldon said, using his fingers to make air quotes. "That explains your presence at The Cheesecake Factory."
"Not everyone gets to the top like that," Penny growled as she snapped her fingers.
"I did."
"The only physicist dude I know is that guy in the wheelchair who discovered time," Penny said. Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Until this evening I never heard a whip about Dr. Sheldon."
"Cooper," Sheldon said testily. "And FYI, I'm a child prodigy. I went to university at age eleven, graduated with my first doctorate at sixteen and my second at twenty."
Penny turned to him. "Really?"
"Why would I lie?"
"Wow." She cocked her head and smiled. "You're one of those beautiful mind genius guys, huh?"
Sheldon's eyes flicked to hers, a slight smile quivered the sides of his mouth before he glanced at his watch.
"I hope this won't take much longer," he said.
"What time is it?"
"Seven thirty."
"Aw man," Penny groaned. "This is gonna take forever."
"An absolute, Penny," Sheldon tsked. "You mean this is going to take a while."
"A long while," Penny added. She looked at him. "You don't have to stay, y'know. It's awesome enough that you got me to the garage."
"Penny, I have to stay." His blue eyes met hers. "You're my ride."
"Yeah, I guess I am," she grinned.
XXX
Sheldon unlocked his apartment door and entered to find Leonard in the comfy chair watching television.
"Where were you?" Leonard asked. "We missed you at Big Boy."
"I don't recall you texting or calling me," Sheldon replied as he put his keys in the bowl.
"Well, 'missing you' is kind of a rhetorical thing in this case. I figured if you weren't back by midnight I'd call the cops."
"Your concern is touching." Sheldon went to his desk and took off his messenger bag and hung it off the back of his chair. "If only some people concerned themselves with other mundane tasks so much turmoil would be avoided."
"Something happen?"
"In exchange for her sparing my life I helped a waitress with her car."
"Waitress?" Leonard immediately muted the television.
"Yes, I ate out." Sheldon shook his head. "I had a penchant for a single layer burger." He opened his laptop and sat at his desk. "All of this could have been avoided if she'd only heeded her check engine light."
"Engine light?" Leonard croaked.
"Women, Leonard. One moment they're questioning your intellectual authority and the next they're serving spaghetti with cut up hotdogs."
Sheldon's phone whistled and he picked it up to check the incoming message.
"Speaking of women and nagging." Sheldon went to the door and across the hall to apartment 4B.
Knock Knock Knock "Amy."
Knock Knock Knock "Amy."
Knock Knock Knock "Amy."
"Hello Sheldon," Amy said as she opened her door. "Where were you this evening?"
"At an eating establishment. Then I aided a woman who—"
At the word 'woman' Amy frowned.
"You know it's boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend sing-along night tomorrow," she said. "We were supposed to pick out our songs tonight."
"My apologies," Sheldon nodded. "As it's near my shower and bedtime, I propose that I arrive at your apartment tomorrow a half hour before song time in order to go over our song choices."
"Counterproposal, you have dinner at my place and then we have our sing-along night."
"That sounds fine. Only, we'd best wait an hour after eating before we sing. I don't want my belly to hurt with the physical exertion."
"Fair enough, Moonpie," Amy grinned.
"Amy, only my Meemaw calls me that," Sheldon growled.
"I can see why. It suits you. Goodnight Sheldon."
"Goodnight Amy," Sheldon said before returning to his apartment.
XXXThree Months AgoXXX
"What's the tissue box doing on my spot?" Sheldon gasped as he came into the living room.
"I don't need this right now," Penny sniffled from the couch before blowing her nose. "Can't you see I'm upset?"
"The tears, the mucous, yes I can see that." Sheldon went to the couch. "And can you see that I'm upset?" His eyes flashed between Penny and the tissues.
"Fine," she growled, and picked up the box, only to put a used tissue in its place.
"That's uncalled for." Sheldon pulled out his sanitary wipes from his pocket.
"Quit fussing over your stupid spot and pay attention to me!"
"Yes, you're upset. So aside from the need to torment me is there anything I can do to mitigate your condition?"
"I don't want you to mitigate, I want a hug. I want a 'so how did your audition go?'" Penny sniffled.
"Given your present state I thought it was obvious how your audition went."
"So why didn't you get your butt out here and console me?"
"I am out here," Sheldon frowned. "I'm going to make you a hot beverage."
"I DON'T WANT A HOT BEVERAGE!"
Silence.
"All right," Sheldon said softly. "What do you want?"
"I want a boyfriend who hugs me when I need it," Penny said as she got off the couch. "Who doesn't give a damn if I'm covered in germs and tells me he loves me without me asking him at gunpoint."
"I think my actions speak louder than words," Sheldon said as he folded his arms across his chest.
"So how does 'my girlfriend's too gross to hug' say 'I love you'?"
"Fine. I love you. Now let me get you a hot bev—"
"There you go again!" Penny roared. "'Fine, I love you.' Don't say it unless you mean it."
"You're questioning my affection?!"
"I'm questioning the whole damn thing!" Penny threw her dirty tissues on the couch. "This is stupid. We are stupid. We're so totally opposite this can't work."
Sheldon's mouth twitched. "As I recall, I informed you thusly the night you asked me out that we would make a rather volatile couple. You said it didn't matter so long as a couple loved each other."
"I was wrong," Penny growled as she went to the door. "You were right. You're always right!"
She slammed the door behind her.