Dear Diary,
So as per usual people are pissed off at me. What's new? I mean it's not like I slept with Zevran, even if Hawk told me not to. Ok, maybe I did but it was my choice.
The look on his though… was it worth it?
Of course it was, I mean, it was Zevran after all.
Admittedly I did feel bad afterwards; I didn't even stay for the third round!
It's just. His face keeps popping up when I least expected it. It's been happening a lot lately and I can't decide if I like it or if it's a nuisance. I'm going to tell him.
No I'm not! Why? Why would I tell him he's been stuck in my head? That I cannot stop thinking about him? That I turned down a night of passionate sex because he would disapprove?
Ok here's the truth, I didn't sleep with Zevran. He was very...convincing and seductive as usual but something Hawk-shaped held me back. I left that room feeling unfulfilled and still rather horny so I visited Hawk and he, helped me. I was feeling much better by the time I got back to the Hanged Man.
Then I saw that smirking Dwarf sitting by the fire. Why was he smirking at me? Apparently he thinks that I've fallen for Hawk. Which is impossible! I'm Isabela! Pirate Queen! The open ocean is my one true love.
Dear Diary,
I've had a few days to calm down. Get my feelings in check. Something weird happened today. Hawk gave me a boat. In a bottle. It was a bit strange but not as strange as how I felt about it. It's sitting on my desk next to drawings of boats and maps. There's also a picture of Hawk in there, which he must never see.
The thing is, I'm becoming rather attached. And I think, in a good way. I often, well always, leave in the morning before Hawk wakes up. But this time I woke up earlier than I expected, turned over and saw him lying there fast asleep, covers showing his torso and a hip. It struck me that this was one of the first times I'd really looked at him asleep, when he's most at peace. So I drew a picture of him. I know this won't last forever, shit will hit the fan and I'll have to leave. So at least I'd have this picture. That's what I told myself anyway.
Amazingly, and with a spot of luck, he didn't wake up, didn't move. He looked so at peace. It struck me then and there that this was the first time I'd seen his face. Properly. Not contorted with anger, pain, and anguish at what horrors he'd seen that day. Not smiling, forced or otherwise. Just, relaxed. I idly wondered if it was my influence. But then again probably not, leaving every morning I probably cause more confusion and pain than relaxation.
Still.
Anyhow, even with my mind wandering I was able to finish the drawing and was placing it in my hidden satchel when he stirred. I turned and was caught in his sleepy gaze, his green eyes contrasting to the black chunks of hair that lingered around them.
My serene peaceful moment was broken, but a new one started and I decided to show him how much I…cared. Also to test just how awake he was. Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised.
I don't know how long this will last for before one of us does something stupid. But at least I'll have this drawing and the knowledge that I could be happy. Even that is a small triumph. I admit it.
I'm happy.