Forward: Man, poor Kaiba. His characterization has been mangled beyond belief throughout the Yugioh fandom. He even endured the never-ending parade of disgusting Marysues, who either manages to steal the spotlight or has dueling capabilities that makes him look like an amateur. Fortunately for us, he's going to somehow put an end to this once and for all.
Hopefully I will update all of my other stories when I get a chance but this needed to be posted.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yugioh and be grateful that I don't own it, otherwise I would personally bitchslap every fanbrat who keeps reducing Kaiba to a gibbering fool.
Keep in mind that flames will be laughed at…literally.
Kaiba's Letter
In which this CEO is going fangirl hunting...
Dear pathetic fangirls,
You make me sick.
Every one of you make me absolutely sick.
I thought the mutt was stupid, but obviously all of you take the cake for being incompetent morons.
May I ask what the hell are you doing?
Are you insulting my intelligence?
How long did you think I would allow idiots like you to continue ruining my characterization?
You see, I would like to address something that has raised my blood pressure dramatically. Because of you fools, I'm forced to take this stupid medication since the pathetic doctor is afraid that I might just snap and kill everyone in the mansion.
But rest assured, that if I do snap…I will put you first on my hitlist.
And nothing, not even Yugi Motou and his Heart of the Cards rant will be able to save your miserable soul.
First of all, my name is Seto Kaiba, or Kaiba Seto if you prefer the Japanese version…but that doesn't make much of a difference does it?
Tell me…why do I see my name being spelled in so many ways? What the hell is wrong with you people?
My last name is NOT Kiba, Kayba, Kiaba, Keiba, or even Keba. It's K.A.I.B.A. If I have to put a foot in your ass for you to remember that, then I will do it without hesitation. Don't insult my intelligence with your stupidity. I'm sure that you could do a certain amount of research on the internet, should you come across spelling the last name.
Perhaps that would save you from being so pathetic.
Second of all, I DO NOT HAVE A GODDAMN SISTER.
What part of that do you not understand?
My creator did that for a reason. How dare you insult even his intelligence by creating a sister. If he wanted a sister, then he would have changed the plot of the damn show. The old fool Gozaburo Kaiba wanted a male heir to his company. As much as I despised bastard, I'm sure he wouldn't even bother with a stupid girl…hell he was so cold-hearted that he would abuse me in front of my brother.
Did you even bother doing the goddamn research?
Don't give me that 'Well this is my imagination Seto Kaiba! Wah, Wah, Wah!!!1' excuse or I will make sure you'll never walk again. I usually don't resort to violence, but when fools piss me off…you know what will happen eventually. If you're going to write a story about me, then get your damn facts straight. I will NEVER have a sister named Jazz Kaiba. I will NEVER have a sister named Christine Kaiba. I sure as HELL will never have a sister named Marianne Esmeralda Abracadabra Kaiba.
I WILL NOT tolerate this bullshit any longer.
And finally…yes finally, you just had to pair me with that vile, disgusting, rainbow colored freak named Marysue. Don't even think the whole sister incident escapes the Marysue category because I can assure you that she fits the description as well. But pairing me with a stupid little girl who can duel better than I can, steals my spotlight, and defeats Yugi Motou (say one more word Yugi and I will strangle you accidentally) is what pisses me off the most. This is where you morons destroy my reputation, step all over my good name, and simply ignore my contributions to the damn show.
WHAT?
She has all three god cards?
Are you shitting me?
She defeats Yugi?
Yes…because clearly, she has all three god cards and therefore Yugi didn't stand a chance against her.
How, may I ask did she obtain these cards? Did they magically fall out of the sky?
WHAT?
She has a Millennium Item that allows her to magically pull the cards out of her ass?
What kind of Millennium Item is this? The Millennium Pot? Millennium Saucepan? Or even the Millennium Butterfly Clip?
My, my, your idiocy never ceases to amuse me...
Ah yes, these qualities would make her the type of moron I would love to obliterate. I can imagine her screaming and trying to fight off my guards as they beat the hell out of her. I can assure you, dearest writer that she will never, never, NEVER get inside of my mansion OR my building. She will be thrown out and quite frankly I wouldn't even care if she was hit by a car.
However, despite my wrath nearing the boiling point…I will provide you with simple tips that may keep you alive for a while.
I. I DO NOT HAVE A SISTER. MOKUBA DOESN'T HAVE A SISTER. WE HAVE NO NEED FOR A SISTER. Get that through your thick head. We have no uses for a sister who ends up having some ancient past in Egypt. We have no uses for a sister who suddenly develops amnesia and doesn't remember us, so therefore we were so kind as to let her stay even though we have no idea who she is and what she wants. If I see another story, where I have a sister named Jazz Kaiba or even Esmeralda Yolanda Mohican Kaiba, I will kill you myself. My brother and I love each other very much and we're much better off without your gibbering pile of shit at our door. I have plans for him taking over the corporation and your idiotic creation WILL NOT interfere.
II. I WILL NOT be insulted. I WILL NOT be defeated by this piece of crap you call an original character. I will crush her like a bug when I duel her and I will proceed to laugh evilly at her failed plans to defeat me. I might laugh even harder if she starts crying for the record.
III. DO NOT pair me with your disgusting creation. I will NOT melt before her sparkling, mango-colored eyes. I will NOT comment on how long and curly her lavender/peach colored hair happens to be. I will simply have this pestilent bug removed from my premises. Better yet…I might have my pack of pit-bulls eat her alive. The ONLY thing that may catch my eye concerning your original character is her intelligence and no you may NOT use that as an excuse to give her a corporation that outranks mine because I will strangle you with my bare hands IF I catch you doing that.
Got it?
Good.
Waiting for you to comply to my guidelines, and popping another pill for this massive headache,
Seto Kaiba
"Isn't that a bit harsh Kaiba?"-Yugi
"Your reputation is at stake as well Yugi so I suggest you don't question my methods of dealing with these imbecilic fanbrats."-Kaiba