If You're There Too
Aries tries to commit suicide, tired of Karen Lilica's constant abuse, but luckily, Leo is there to stop her. Or . . . join her?
A/N: This AU . . . was on my mind for long while, you know, after I watched that episode all the way back where Loke indirectly kills his owner, Karen Lilica. It really made me angry to see her mistreating Aries like that, seriously, because Aries is just adorable! And because Karen Lilica's actions were totally wrong . . . . Thus, this idea was formed! BTW, this is like, some serious angst here and all . . . . Attempted suicide . . . . I hope you like it anyway, and that you R&R!
Disclaimer: Oh, yeah, I almost forgot to tell you that I don't own Fairy Tail.
Sometimes, she wondered what it would be like to not feel any pain . . . or anything at all, for that matter.
It was a hopeless, not-really-thought-much-about kind of desire, one that she absently thought of here and there, sometimes randomly, or sometimes when she was in a lot of pain . . . when she was hurting, and not only physically.
Like she was then.
Only it was different. Because this time, there was a knife in her quivering in her petite grasp . . . this time, she was leant uncertainly over the grungy bathtub of their diminutive portion of the mansion.
Her cuts were stinging. She had thought that they didn't anymore, that the bruises had stopped throbbing, that the still-noticeable blotches of red on her skin had gotten the slightest bit invisible after Leo had done his all to heal them, but when she thought about them, really became immersed with their origins, she could feel them burning on her arms. She could feel them throbbing on her back. She could feel them aching around her ribs, sore in the roots of her hair, on her cheeks.
The pain could make her shed tears . . . but not any more than the fact that Karen Lilica caused them.
Her mistress. Their mistress. They— her, Virgo, and Leo —worked for her. Leo was Karen's butler. She and Virgo were maids.
And she hurt them. Karen Lilica hurt them. She beat them, burned them, and even starved them at times.
Karen Lilica was the reason that morbid, unsure ideas swirled around in her head, why her body was filled with so many unwelcome emotions. Grief, distress, pain, anger, anxiety . . . they were all there, caving her body in on the inside, jumbling her thoughts and will.
Karen Lilica was the reason nervousness was gnawing at her stomach, why she fought confused tears as she gripped tighter the knife, not really understanding what she wanted.
No. No. She knew what she wanted, though less than what she didn't want.
She didn't want torment.
She never wanted to experience it again. She had enough. So much that she couldn't even recall what other emotions that weren't associated with it were like.
Did happiness feel good? Did it feel better than pain? Or worse? Did happiness drown her in perpetual agony and rack her body with perplexing feelings until she was slumped against a wall in uncontrollable sobs?
If so, then it was no better than suffering . . . a sensation she wished to be rid of.
She wanted peace. Just to . . . not feeling anything. Because everything was torturous. Everything was cruel. Karen Lilica was cruel.
If— if she could go through with this . . . then everything negative would be gone, wouldn't it? Karen Lilica and her abusive ways would be gone. She would no longer have to ponder over whether or not to ask Leo to tell Karen that she longed to quit . . . that she yearned to be rid of her and to not work for her and never hoped to see her again. That she hated her and . . . sometimes absolutely wanted her dead.
And Aries did not usually hate. Would she go to hell for that?
She always wondered what afterlife would be like in the world of the spirits. There wouldn't be anguish, she was sure. Karen Lilica wouldn't even miss her if she somehow found her lying cold and still with her blood staining the grimy bathtub that she blamed her and Virgo for not cleaning well enough, anyway. In which masochistic Virgo had requested to be punished toward— she shouldn't have bothered anyway; Karen would have still struck her —with the strange whip that she carried around.
Aries didn't even know why she troubled to even tell Lilica that she was sorry if she did something the latter didn't like, or why she asked if it was okay when she figured it might be right. But nothing ever was right to Karen Lilica, as she would strike her, hissing in her face with twisted, pink lips and order her to do the said something over again.
It was rather sad . . . how she realized that the only one who would truly miss her would be Leo. Though she could feel a smile, albeit wavering, tugging at the corners of her mouth with the thought of his name, his voice, his scent . . . the only things that could lift her out of her eternal depression, if only for a second. Leo could make her laugh, make her smile, make her feel wanted and treasured all at once and she . . . she would value all the time they'd spent together, all the times he'd been at her side to defend her against Karen and to comfort her when she needed it.
Leo was her friend.
But she didn't need the comfort now. There was no comfort for death.
She brought the knife closer to her wrists. 'Would death hurt?' She mused. 'Anymore than life?'
With a knife, it probably would, but wouldn't it be worth it? To hopefully never feel again? To never cry upon the sight of her scars, to never have to endure their aching ever again?
But still, she gazed at the knife she had stolen from the kitchen, looking into her reflection. She was a sorry sight, her brown eyes somber and face weary. Her cotton candy colored hair was slightly disheveled. She was pale. Pale and confused and brimmed over with sorrow.
The knife glinted in her hands.
If she could just do this, then she wouldn't have to be thinking about Karen Lilica kindheartedly, to some extent, saving her off of the streets when she was fifteen and into her home, or about Leo and his suave, gentle voice. She wouldn't be thinking about each time he spoke to her warmly, or flashed a fond grin her way, or how her hand felt in his.
She wouldn't be thinking about how much that would hurt if she died and left him and would never see him again.
But at least he would never have to worry himself with stepping in front of her to receive a blow from Karen that had been directed at her instead. At least Aries would never have to stare up at malicious, odious eyes from her lying helplessly on the floor until Leo rescued her.
For some reason, Karen Lilica tolerated Leo. She seemed to acknowledge that Leo was boss in certain circumstances. And she appeared to be jealous of each time she was saved by him, as her attacks the next day later were livider.
Karen Lilica knew she upset her; each time Aries could see her eyes, looking past her mistress's superior, wicked expression. Karen's eyes would be merciless, cold and callous . . . the eyes of a monster.
But she didn't know how badly. Karen Lilica didn't know how badly she would cry afterward, how intensely she would choke on her tears with body-racking sobs, wailing into her pillow. She didn't know how unstable her mind was becoming, how feeble her seventeen year-old body was feeling.
She was cold, even in the fuzzy, white sweater-dress she was wearing. 'Just move the knife, Aries. One quick slit across my wrists.' She moved the knife again, towards the end of her palms, but then froze. 'Will slitting my throat be less painful? Faster?'
Her hand raised the blade above her chest.
"Yes," she murmured to herself. "This'll work out, I think."
She could feel water in her eyes, blurring her vision. She wanted to cry . . . but she didn't want to. Crying felt good for some reason, but she didn't have to cry. Death would be something good, something free. No need to cry distraught, angry tears about it.
The chilly, sharp edge was touching her neck now. All she needed to do was flick her wrist. There was no remorse, no regret, no—
The bathroom door flung open suddenly, banging slightly against the wall and she jumped, nearly dropping the knife.
"Aries."
She knew his voice, his smooth, polished voice, though she didn't turn to meet him, blurting, "I'm sorry!"
That line always was one to burst forth from her mouth under pressure, or when she was nervous.
"A-Aries," he repeated and she could hear his steps nearing her. "What the heck are you . . . why . . . what?" His hands were on her arms now, rising sensitive hairs on her the back of her neck.
Her knees almost gave out with the shock of him finding her and she bent over, clenching her fingers over the edge of the bathtub. "Please . . . please go away, Leo."
She didn't want him to see how ruined she was: a miserable, anguished mess. She didn't want him to see her blood tainting the scarce whiteness of the tub.
"But . . ." His breath was tickling her ear, sweet and soft. "Aries, let me . . ." He was reaching for her knife, his warm hands enclosing over hers. " . . . help you."
She halfheartedly pulled away, eyes burning as she squeezed them shut.
Her infinite bliss was so close . . . so close if she could just get it over with. "Don't, Leo." Her voice trembled, a sob building in the back of her throat. "Please let me do this. I— I can't . . . ." She broke off, biting her lip.
She could live a life without Karen Lilica, without her mistreatment, without pain, no matter how selfish that sounded.
His voice was anxious, so full of angst that she didn't want to hear . . . an excruciating pain that she wanted to disappear as he told her, "I . . . I was looking all over for you, Aries, everywhere, and . . . and so scared that Karen— that she did something, however, here you are, trying to— to . . . ." He sighed, and she could sense him running a hand through his gelled, strawberry-blonde locks. "I can help you. You don't have to do this, Aries." In his tone, his normally calm tone, she could sense his panic.
"I can't . . . do this anymore, Leo. And please don't yell. Please don't tell Karen. I don't want to . . . work for her."
He spun her around to face him and she desperately avoided his gaze through blue-tinted glasses, playing with the collar of her sweater.
But his face was stern, gripping her arm firmly. "Do you feel that this is right, Aries? I want you to answer me that. Do you think that this'll be better for you? Your death?"
She stared at the tiled floor and willed him to stop demanding things from her because it was uncharacteristic of him, mumbling timidly, "Life is pain."
It was pain. It was misery, it was agony. For her, it was everlasting affliction that she didn't know why she deserved.
"Life is only pain if you let it get to you!" he retorted briskly. "If you drown in it, brood over your self-pity—"
"Leo, you talk like you don't!" She snapped, eyes flickering toward his for only a moment. And Aries didn't usually snap."Like you don't ever get harmed by her and never think about it! Like you never feel anything, or as terrible and utterly horrible as me sometimes . . . so beleaguered that you can just—" She stopped abruptly, noticing that she was practically shouting, that her face was hot and . . . wet. "I-I'm sorry, Leo. I'm sorry."
His hand had slid down to clutch hers. "I mean it, Aries. I want you to tell me that you believe that this method is the way to solve what you're feeling!"
"I do!" Her voice was shrill, hot tears streaming along her cheeks. She felt so exhausted, so wobbly and stressed, all of the memories of Karen Lilica's abuse slamming into her like a train wreck. She felt all of her scars searing simultaneously. She didn't want anymore. To live would be too difficult, too awful. To live would mean further injuries from the woman she worked for. "I want this so much, Leo, if only you would listen and leave."
No. Leo couldn't stay. She craved for death badly enough that she wanted it soon. If he stayed any longer, she would have to do it in front of him, and then he'd see her . . . .
"I . . . I can't leave you, Aries." His voice was so caring, so tender and sincere that it sent a kindly shudder up her spine. And this time, she couldn't avoid his eyes. "You shouldn't do this. I know things can be better . . . ."
"Life is pain," she repeated despondently into his shoulder as his arms found their way around her waist, pulling her close so that she could smell the wonderful cologne of his butlers' tuxedo. "Leo . . . living with Karen . . . how can it be anything else?"
She could see his face redden slightly as he glanced elsewhere, muttering, "Life would be a pain with . . . without you. Karen may be unpleasant, but what you're doing . . . I just really wish you would stop, Aries."
She groped for the knife again, but Leo held her back, which put restlessness and desperation in her stomach. "Leo, please . . . if I can—"
"No." The startling insistence in his voice caused her to falter, fighting more tears. "Just . . . why? What the heck makes you think this'll help, Aries?"
"Because Karen will—"
"Karen will hurt all of us! Me, you, and Virgo. I know. I know." He hugged her tighter, prompting her to put her arms around his neck. "But you know I'll defend you, Aries, don't you? I always have, haven't I? I try my best to make you feel safe, anyway . . . . I'll always protect you."
His words sent a memory careening into her head and she clamped down on her bottom lip, forcing the dirty reminiscent from her mind.
Leo'd said he would protect her, various times before now. And he was protecting her . . . from Karen Lilica. He blocked her attacks at times and set her straight. But . . . there were times that she couldn't call for his help, times that he didn't know about. There were moments where she was pressed against a wall, assaulted by someone that wasn't her.
And there was no ache worse than being impure . . . than unfamiliar fingers brushing against particular parts of her body, or lecherous gazes trailing after her every movement as she followed out the requests of Karen, who wasn't considerate enough to not bring men home with her, even if it was her house.
Her tears were absorbed by Leo's outfit and she wanted the knife more than ever.
"She let them touch me, Leo," she whispered as she clung to his shoulder, her knees suddenly weak. "All of the men whose attention she didn't want . . . ."
He was silent, yet his arm continued to move rhythmically along her back and she could feel his other hand in her hair.
She had a fistful of his jacket in her fingers, sniffling. "Do . . . you know how that feels? S-strange hands in places that I . . . that I . . . ." She didn't care about what she was telling him. He was Leo and Leo was trustworthy. Besides, she'd already mentioned it . . . .
"I'm sorry, Aries," he murmured into her hair, several beats later. "Really, I'm so sorry that I . . . that I wasn't there to . . . ."
'Does he understand now?' She wondered. Did he understand why she felt the way she did, why she believed what she did, and why she needed to do this . . . ?
As much as she wanted to melt within his embrace, she had to break away. "Leo, would you please just let—?"
"No." His arms grew warmer around her frame as he held her tighter, his lips against her head. "I will not let you do this to yourself, Aries."
The hope that she had been rising in her chest instantly faded. "L-Leo, please." Tears were flowing freely again as her breath stammered in her lungs. "I-if only you knew how I feel, that I really—"
"No," he said again, voice stern. "I'm your friend, Aries, and you can't . . . a friend wouldn't let another hurt, wouldn't let another do something so morbid to themselves."
Her chest ached. "But I am hurting, Leo, and I'll always hurt as long as I'm here." The knife was so close, right on the tub behind them. "You'd want me happy since we're friends, right?" It was her last stand and she really didn't wish to make Leo feel bad, but it was all she could think of with her head throbbing with such emotion . . . with her vision blurred by tears.
"I'd want you happy as you can be." Their hug was broken, Leo holding her out at arms-length, his voice tender. Only his voice could send jolts of fuzziness along the edges of her body.
But she knew he still felt guilty. "I'm happy with you, Leo," she offered. It wasn't a lie, even. She always did feel wonderfully content while in his presence, something that only he could do now. Only he could cheer her up and not always momentarily. Only his fingers could manage to worm a laugh out of her with his tickles, only he could make her blush, make her feel so precious, if only to him.
"Apparently, not happy enough."
Her body was shaking with distress again. Now Leo was upset. He was upset because she was upset and Aries was ultimately tired of upset. Upset was something that she didn't need, something that she wouldn't feel anymore if . . . .
"L-Leo . . ." She sank to her knees next to the tub and finally grabbed the knife, her chest rising and falling rapidly with her hiccups. "I n-need this now. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Leo, but this is what I want . . . ."
She tried so hard to ignore the pained, desperation in his eyes as he made to steal the blade away, and in her extreme panic, she drew the tip frantically down both of the veins on her wrists, the blood forming nearly instantaneously.
She was slightly astonished with herself: it was done, and from the corner of her eyes, she could see Leo blinking quickly, obviously horrified.
"A-Aries . . ." His voice was high and strained and he could see indistinct tears swirling in his eyes. "No."
She stared blankly at the knife and at the crimson of her blood staining the ceramic tiles in splattering puddles, stunned. She hadn't even felt it, not at all, but now it was stinging as much as her scars.
More pain.
Almost angrily, she lashed at her wrists, vertically down the length of her arm, again and again, gritting her teeth, and watching her blood run down her arms and taint the hem of her Lolita apron.
She was lightheaded. Her blood was going faster than she'd expected, and from the corner of her hazy eyes, she could see Leo panicking scrambling toward her, though it seemed to be in slow-motion.
'You mustn't panic, Leoooo,' she thought blearily; it was as if her mind was trudging through molasses, parts of her words unintentionally echoing fuzzily . . . . 'Everything's going to be fiiine.'
He practically threw himself down beside her, the knees of his pants soiled instantly with her blood. He wrenched the knife from her and she really didn't object to it: what was done was done and . . . hmm, her heart was skipping beats.
He was crying, not sobbing, just crying and forcing her to look at him by cupping her face.
She did, holding onto the feel of his hand on her cheek.
What was done was done.
"I-I can get help for you, A-Aries," he insisted, his eyes intense. She could see the helpless despair churning within them, behind his glasses, behind all the tears that were threatening to fall. "I . . . can get help for you right now, I can call, I can tell Karen Lilica, or Virgo, or . . . ."
"Don't." Her voice was a weak croak, surprising even her, as her heart clenched in a way that she knew wasn't from her blood loss. "I'm s-sorry, Leo, just please don't." She was so close, and gosh, if he did . . . . "Please, don't do anything, Leo, please!"
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" He demanded harshly, his obsidian gaze fiery. His tone hurt her, even though she knew that he was gravely worried. "Just sit here and watch you kill yourself? Watch you die? How . . . how am I supposed to . . . ?"
She tried to avert her eyes, but he wasn't having any of that. "B-but . . . Leo, I tried, to told you to leave, I told you to . . . you didn't have to stay . . . ."
She was breathless, almost fighting for air, her arms tinged a rusty red.
Leo was staring at her, utterly appalled, she could tell. She knew he noticed the way she was breathing, that she was almost there . . . .
"Y-You . . . you can l-leave . . . now, Leo," she offered feebly, focusing desperately on his face. Would she forget it when she was . . . gone?
She bit her lip: she was seeing double . . . .
"No." Voice firm, eyes hard. "I told you I'm not leaving you!"
Her heart tightened again, lungs stuttering. "B-but I don't want you to see me!" I-If he saw her . . . when she was gone, she wouldn't want herself haunting his mind, she wouldn't want him traumatized with the sight of her lifeless body over and over . . . .
"I want to see you," he said sternly, holding her by her shoulders. "Although I'd rather my last image of you with us together, with you smiling . . . I want to see you."
She leaned back against the tub, panting. She didn't have the breath to tell him no and her eyelids were getting heavy.
"And I do," Leo murmured softly.
It was abrupt and strange and Aries fought to glance up at him.
"I do. I do hurt, Aries, maybe not as much as you . . . . I can endure Karen Lilica, I really can, but only . . ." His eyes were concentrated, blazed with determination. " . . . But only if you're there, too."
She stared at him in astonishment, a tingle that only Leo could give her dancing along her spine. " . . . Leo . . . ."
"Don't talk. Just listen." He took her hand in his, and it startled her with how much warmer it was than hers. "If you're there too, Aries, I can take a hit, any blow from Karen if it's to protect you. If you're there too, if your with me, I have something to live for. I live to make you laugh, make you smile, to make you happy in this hellhole . . . to prevent you from doing something like this.
"But if I can't . . . ." She suddenly noticed that the knife was still in his hold. "Aries, if I can't and you're gone . . . if your smile's gone, if your presence, kindness and company's gone . . . it's hard." She could see his jaw clenching and unclenching, his expression hard and anguished. "When I think about how it would be like with just Karen and the consistently obeying Virgo, without you . . . I can comprehend how you're feeling now, Aries."
He lifted the knife and suddenly, it was even harder to breath than before.
"Leo, w-why are you—?"
He grinned softly at her, something warm and kind as the usual, but the wistfulness that layered it was unnerving to no end. "If you're there too, then this'll be bearable."
His words were a shock as she shivered against the bathtub, mind in a jumble. It was getting harder to see, harder to keep her eyes open, harder to breathe. She could hardly feel her heart in her chest anymore, except for when it leapt a couple beats and caused her to gasp each time, her lungs stammering.
Her arms felt numb.
And then she couldn't see, but she suspected that it was because her eyes were closed and that she didn't have the strength to open them. "P-please . . . if y-you're going to . . . d-do what I . . . t-think b-because . . . of me, don't Leo. You d-don't have to . . . f-fault your . . . self." It was her fault wasn't it? Her fault that he was deciding not to live as well.
She was sorry.
She strained her ears to hear him, to cling onto his voice: "No, Aries, it's not your fault at all. I want to be with you. And I want to see what it's like . . . when you're truly happy. You mentioned that death would be your ultimate bliss. Well, then, will it make you smile again like you used to?"
Her eyes weren't open, but hot tears still managed to leak out from under her eyelids to slide down her cheeks with his words.
She could vaguely feel his fingers' touch on her face, affectionate and inviting. "Will death make you the lively Aries you used to be? Will death mend your broken spirit?" His mouth was close, she could tell, as the air from his breath drifted against her nose. It was something to make her body hot, to make her weak heart race faster and frail lungs work harder. She swallowed thickly.
And then, she could feel something against her lips, something warm and moist and . . . soft. It was the softest feeling ever, one of the most wonderful, most heavenly, but it was brief, merely a brush of contact that caused her to shudder in delight . . . something that Leo could only do to her.
If she sought to live . . . would she perhaps feel it again by him? Would he do it again?
"Would death be able to show you love, Aries?"
Love? Her heart stuttered again. Love was something that had never occurred in her mind before, something that she hadn't really thought about herself. It was Leo who was occasionally talking about it, Leo with the overly poetic romance lines. But maybe she could feel it because there were times where . . . while speaking to her, while holding her hand and gazing at her, there were sensations unlike anything she'd ever felt before.
There was something akin to yearning, to sunshine writhing around her heart while her body heated and tingled with pleasure, but only for Leo. It was a sentiment only reserved for him— love.
Would death give her that wonderful feeling's effect that she was sure that just Leo could have on her?
" . . . N-No . . . ," she rasped. And she was sure.
To her delight, her lips were brushed again, only it was longer, warmer, deeper.
"If you live, I can show you love, Aries. Just let me help you."
She wanted to say yes now. She wanted to. She wanted to live with him, to experience his love. But she was too winded to react, to speak and it scared her. What if he took it as a no and left her there to die? It was probably too late for her, anyway . . . .
But instead, Aries could feel Leo's arms around of her own as she was lifted from the ground, barely conscious. He'd lifted her from the floor, from her blood, from her death and into his arms . . . into his kind, loving arms that were willing to protect her from Karen, protect her from anything like this to ever happen again.
And then, as her last bit of consciousness faded, she remembered the hurt, the pain, and verbal agony that Karen Lilica caused.
But pain, she realized, was only a minor feeling, a minor sensation underneath the oodles of love, oodles of relief that was dousing her heart.
To love, pain couldn't compare.
A/N: Hmm . . . I decided not to do that whole warm water stops blood clot thing cuz . . . well, this's just a fictional story and stuff and that would be too much work on Aries' part, so . . . . Now I feel sad for writing something so morose for such a sweet character.
Ahhh, and this got harder to write after Aries cut herself for some reason. Maybe cuz I had to make Loke panic and Aries start dying . . . and maybe making Aries change her mind about death was too abrupt. But I didn't wanna kill her! Well, whatever. It's my AU Aries and Loke, lol.
And I still couldn't think of a great ending . . . eh, but it was alright, I think.
So what do you think? Feel free to review please! This is one of my longest.