DECONSTRUCTION

Author's note: I do not own any Law and Order Criminal Intent characters, nor do I own any characters from Law and Order who might show up. Dick Wolf, of course, owns them and has done quite well by them.

I do own the other characters in this story: Annie, the children, Sarah, Tom, and various other people (named and unnamed). They inhabit my imagination where they live out their lives trying to fit into the LOCI universe.

This story is set during season 6 of LOCI….and gets its title from an interview that Vincent D'Onofrio did prior to season 6, saying he wanted to "see the deconstruction of Bobby Goren." For those of us who have followed the series, we all know how traumatic season 6 was for Bobby….and it will be just as traumatic for Annie and their children. So buckle your seat belts….it's going to be a bumpy ride! We will also be seeing first person Bobby narratives from time to time.

Chapters 1 and 2 begin just before the season begins…before Blind Spot. And it picks up where Disintegration ended: Mike and Sarah getting back together, Bobby and Annie separated, and Alex Eames moving into a new house.

CHAPTER 1

I stare up at the ceiling of my combination bedroom/living room in the dark. My bedroom. My bedroom is the one I share with my wife, in our house. This room, this apartment….it feels more like a cheap motel than a home. Although I brought a few of my things, I am surrounded by furniture that is not my own. And although noise from traffic seeps through the windows, inside this apartment it is too quiet. No sounds of my children talking, laughing, calling to me. No sounds of my wife singing, murmuring my name….or angrily accusing me of pushing her away.

It has been over twenty four hours since I left. Annie was so devastated that I expected her to call constantly, begging me to come home. But she hasn't called once. Is she alright? Should I call to check on her? I look at the clock. It's after 10 PM. Normally Annie would be in bed, but she has taken this week off work. Maybe she is still awake. I reach for my cell phone and she answers on the second ring.

"Bobby?"

"Did I wake you?"

"Umm….no…" Even without seeing her face, I know she is lying.

"Are you OK?" Silence. "Annie? Are you alright?"

"No." Now I am silent, at a loss for words. "Come home, Bobby," she whispers.

"I can't Annie. Not now. Just give it some time," I tell her.

"I don't want to give it time. I want you to come home." Her voice cracks and I know she is on the verge of tears. Maybe it was a mistake to call her, but I wanted to check on her. And I admit…..I wanted to hear her voice.

"I explained this to you," I say softly. "I had to leave. I was afraid I might hurt you."

"You're hurting me now." Now she is crying and the sound of her soft sobbing breaks my heart.

"I know I am, Babe. I'm sorry I woke you. I wanted to make sure you were alright. But I should hang up because I think this is just making things worse. Annie, I lo……I'm sorry."

I hang up before she can plead with me again. I hold the phone against my chest for several minutes, waiting to see if she will call back. But the phone remains silent. I know I won't be falling asleep anytime soon, so I get out of bed and walk into the tiny kitchenette. Pulling a beer from the refrigerator, I settle on the couch. Opening a book I had been reading earlier, I try to concentrate on criminal psychology.

Mike parked and sat for a few moments, looking at Sarah's house. He was more nervous than when he met her for their first date. He was more nervous than he had ever been for any date.

"I know that you're a big fat coward. Scared of a little girl!" Sarah's words from the night before came back to him. Truer words have never been spoken, he thought. He was terrified of spending the evening with Jia Li. The last time he met her, she had wanted him read to her....but what else was he supposed to do? He had no idea how to talk to a five year old. OK Logan, he thought, time to man up.

He got out of the car and walked to the front door. He smiled when he saw Jia Li's face in the window, peering out at him. She smiled and waved, then disappeared from sight. He could hear her excited voice calling to her mother as he rang the doorbell. Then Sarah was opening the door, smiling and looking beautiful in a sleeveless red shirt and black capri pants. And there was Jia Li in pink shorts with a flowered top.

"'Tective Mike! Mommy says you're having dinner with us! We're having hamburgers! Do you like hamburgers? I love them! And she says we are going to get 'quainted....and maybe you can read to me later and I shouldn't bug you and be patient and she'll tell me if it's OK to ask!"

"Jia Li!" Sarah said with a laugh. "Let Detective Mike get inside the house before you scare him off."

He chuckled as he stepped inside the house. Sarah squeezed his hand and led him to the living room.

"How come you're scared, 'Tective Mike?" Jia Li looked up at him with wide eyes.

"I think your Mommy was joking, Jia Li," Mike said with a laugh. "You aren't scary at all. I...uh...brought you something."

He held out a shopping bag and Jia Li squealed with delight before she even opened it. She sat on the floor and pulled out a book.

"Look Mommy! A ballerina! Thank you, 'Tective Mike!"

Her voice was filled with wonder and Mike chuckled, thinking that she truly was the daughter of a librarian who had filled her with a love of books. Jia Li begged to have it read to her, and Sarah agreed that they could read it once before dinner. Mike and Sarah sat on the sofa and Jia Li squeezed between them. She put her hand in Mike's as her mother began to read.

Mike soon realized he needn't have worried about finding something to talk about with her. Jia Li had more than enough subjects to discuss to fill the evening. He found himself enjoying the way she jumped from topic to topic. As they ate hamburgers, Jia Li talked about dogs and how much she wanted one....and how much she loved Miss Annie's and 'Tective Bobby's dog, Sandy. Sarah smiled indulgently and remained noncommittal, evidently having faced this not so subtle hint before. He and Jia Li helped clear the table, and Jia Li sat at the table looking at her new book, sounding out the words, while Mike and Sarah loaded the dishwasher and put the food away. Sarah offered him a beer and he sat on the couch and listened to the sounds of Sarah giving her daughter a bath. Their voices drifted down the hallway and wound around him. He thought that he had never felt so....peaceful, as he listened to their laughter and teasing. When they were finished, they joined him in the living room; Jia Li dressed in a purple nightgown with what looked like a princess on the front. They sat on the sofa, with Jia Li in the middle again, and Sarah read a chapter from "Little House on the Prairie"....and then a second chapter after some pleading.

"OK," Sarah finally said, refusing to read 'just one more'. "It's time for bed. Tell Detective Mike goodnight."

The little girl sighed dramatically, then turned around and threw her chubby arms around Mike's neck. She kissed his cheek and said, "Night, 'Tective Mike. Thank you for the book."

Mike wrapped his arms around her and gave her a brief hug, looking up at Sarah to find her smiling at him. Over the lump in his throat he said, "You're welcome, Jia Li. Goodnight."

Sarah leaned down and kissed the top of his head as she followed Jia Li to her bedroom. He sat and listened to the murmur of their voices coming from Jia Li's bedroom. Then Sarah was back, lowering herself onto his lap and pulling him into an embrace.

"You did good, Detective," she whispered before kissing him.

They sat quietly, Sarah's head nestled on his shoulder, and listened to singing coming from Jia Li's room.

"Fishy, fishy swim in the water
Fishy, fishy, swishy swish
God makes fishy swim in the water
Fishy, fishy swishy swish"

"Zacchaeus was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he.
He climbed up in a sycamore tree, for the Lord he wanted to see.
And as the Savior passed him by, He looked up in the tree,
And he said, "Zacchaeus, you come down from there;
For I'm going to your house today, for I'm going to your house today"

One song after another, Jia Li sang. Finally her voice began to fade and then there was silence. Mike felt Sarah smile against his shoulder and she lifted her head to kiss him again.

"She finally gave out," she whispered.

"Does she sing herself to sleep every night?"

"Every night. And the minute her eyes open in the morning, she starts all over." She chuckled. "She's been learning a lot of Bible songs lately from going to church with Annie. So that's what she is singing these days."

"Annie takes her to church?"

"Hmm, mmm….she really likes it." She sat up and looked at him. "I should call Annie tomorrow…she'll be happy to hear we are back together."

Mike laughed and trailed a finger along her jaw. "Yeah….I'm sure she will. She talked to me, you know."

"About us?"

"In a roundabout way….one night Goren and I were having drinks and she joined us. Made a point of telling me what a rotten childhood Bobby had and what a great dad he turned out to be." He grinned at her. "It didn't take a Major Case detective to figure out the two of you had been talking."

"Are you mad that I talked to her?" Sarah whispered as she dropped light kisses on his face.

"No." Mike stopped for a moment to capture her mouth with his. "I know you're friends and I know….that you were hurting. And what she said made sense." Sarah's lips found his again. "So….I'm guessing that this is as far as we go tonight?"

Sarah sat back slightly to look in his face. She nodded and said, "I'm afraid so…with Jia Li in the house. Do you mind?"

Mike grinned at her. "No….I'm in this for whatever you're willing to give, Sweetheart."

Sarah smiled at him and he pulled her closer for another kiss.

Annie opened her eyes in the dark room, finally focusing on the clock on Bobby's night stand. 3:00 AM. What day is it, she wondered. How many days had it been since……..

It seemed like a horrible nightmare, but it was real enough. She was lying on Bobby's side of the bed. Because Bobby was not on his side of the bed. He was not in their bed, not in their house. Bobby had moved out. He had packed his clothes and his books and his computer….and moved them into an apartment. Bobby's apartment. That had happened on Sunday…….how many days had passed since then? Time was jumbled and she couldn't remember how many days and nights she had lain in this bed, getting up only to use the bathroom or to get a drink of water. She thought of eating a few times and even went downstairs to the kitchen. But a banana and a few crackers were all she had eaten. She didn't have the energy to prepare anything. Even making a decision about the crackers had exhausted her.

She talked to Grandpa and the children once, telling them only that Bobby was working overtime and she had the flu and needed to sleep. Janey called a few times and Annie gave her the same story. She thought she heard knocking at the front door and the doorbell once, but she ignored it and it stopped. All other calls she ignored, checking only to see if Bobby was calling. But he had only called once.

The kids…she was supposed to drive up to Connecticut on Saturday to pick them up and bring them home. Was that today? She hoped not because she didn't think she had the energy to make the drive. Or to tell the children that Daddy had moved out. She should look at a newspaper or the TV……find out what day it was. But right now she just couldn't seem to move. Later…….she would check later.

Annie closed her eyes and buried her face in the sheets. His scent was almost gone from them. One tear slipped down her cheek as she drifted back into the welcome nothingness of sleep.

Janey hung up the phone with a sigh of frustration. She hadn't talked to Annie in days. They hadn't really talked since last Sunday morning when Annie was getting ready to take the children to Connecticut to spend a week with her grandfather. They talked only briefly on the phone a couple of times since then. Annie said she had the flu and just needed to sleep. She said that Bobby was putting in overtime this week, but Janey hadn't seen his car in the driveway all week. She had even gone over one day, but there was no answer to her knocking or the doorbell, even though Annie's SUV was in the driveway. She was glad Rob was at work because he would probably tell her that what she was about to do was a mistake.

"Hello?"

"Bobby….it's Janey. I'm sorry to bother you at work, but I'm just a little worried about Annie."

"Is…why are you worried about her?"

"I know that she's sick, but…"

"Annie's sick?"

"Uh…well…" Janey was confused. How could Bobby not know that Annie was sick? "She said she has the flu. I know that you've been working overtime, but…is she OK? She hasn't answered the phone in a couple of days and I…I'm worried."

She heard him sigh. "Janey….look, I don't think Annie is sick. And….I haven't been working overtime." He paused for a moment. "The truth is that….I moved out."

"You what?!"

"I moved out last Sunday. We….it's a temporary separation."

"Oh God! Bobby, I'm so sorry!"

"Annie probably just wanted to be alone…..didn't want to talk to anyone."

"Probably?" Janey's voice was shrill. "What do you mean, 'probably'? Haven't you talked to her?"

"Uh…no…I mean, yes…yes, I talked to her. I called her one night to make sure she was OK."

"And?"

"She was….sad. But she was OK."

"But you haven't been over there to check on her?"

"Well…no. I wanted to give her some time to….to adjust."

"Time to adjust?! I can't believe you, Bobby Goren!"

Janey slammed the phone down. She opened a drawer and pulled out a spare key to the Gorens' house. Opening the back door she yelled to her two sons.

"Boys! I'm going next door to see Aunt Annie. And I do not want to be interrupted unless it is an extreme emergency. Understood?"

Janey stood in front of the door and knocked, then rang the doorbell. There was no answer, so she used the key to unlock the door. She stepped inside and stood for a moment, listening. Hearing nothing, she started up the stairs and found her friend in her bed, sleeping soundly.

"Annie?" Janey called to her softly, walking into the room. There was no answer, so she shook her and called her again. "Annie? Annie…wake up."

Annie groaned softly and buried her head further in the pillow.

"Annie," Janey said, kneeling on the bed. "Annie, wake up."

She pulled the blankets off of Annie and shook her again, saying louder, "Annie, wake up!"

Annie turned her head to glare at her and pushed her hand away.

"Go away," she mumbled and again buried her face in her pillow.

Janey was worried now and pulled the pillow away. She forced Annie to roll onto her back. Annie pushed her hands away again.

"Leave me alone!"

"Annie…." She shook her again. "Annie! Have you taken anything?"

"No! Now leave me alone…I'm tired."

Annie tried to roll back over, but Janey grabbed her wrists and pulled her towards the edge of the bed.

"Hey! Stop that! Leave me alone!"

At the edge of the bed, Janey grasped her under the arms and pulled her off the bed, forcing her to stand up. Annie was awake now, and angry. But Janey ignored her spluttering protests and pushed her towards the bathroom. Days of no food and little fluids had left Annie weak, so her attempts to resist were futile. Janey pushed her into the bathroom and, sliding the door of the shower open, into the shower. She reached over and turned the cold water on, pushing Annie back to sit on the small ledge and slamming the shower door closed just as the first burst of cold spray hit her. Annie screamed and reached for the door, but Janey held it firmly closed.

"You are staying in there until you take a shower," she yelled. "You look and smell like you've been in that bed for a month!"

Yelling expletives, Annie reached over to turn the hot water on. She stripped her soaking pajamas off and threw them over the top of the shower as hard as she could, taking a bit of satisfaction at the sound of the wet clothing smacking against the floor. Once the water warmed up, Annie discovered that the hot stinging spray felt good. She shampooed her hair twice and scrubbed her body. Then she just stood under the spray, eyes closed, for a long time.

When she was satisfied that Annie wasn't going to try to escape, Janey let go of the shower door. She picked up Annie's wet clothing and dumped them into the hamper, and cleaned up the water left behind. Going into the bedroom, Janey stripped the sheets off of the bed and threw them into the hamper as well. She found clean sheets and remade the bed. Checking to make sure Annie was alright, she took the hamper downstairs and put the sheets in the washing machine. In the kitchen, she put the tea kettle on to boil water for tea and checked Annie's cupboards to see what she could find for her to eat. Deciding tea and crackers were probably the best choice for now, Janey prepared a tray and left the kitchen. As she started up the stairs, the front door opened and Bobby stepped in. Janey turned to face him.

"Janey…is Annie alright?"

Janey drew herself up to her full height. "Really Bobby? Five days and you're just now asking if she is alright?"

"I told you I called her…is she alright?"

Janey relented at the worried look on his haggard face. "I don't know, Bobby," she said with a sigh. "It looks like she's been in that bed all week. I'm not sure she has even eaten anything. I forced her to get in the shower and I'm taking her something to eat. Beyond that…I just don't know."

"I should talk to her," he said, taking a step towards the stairs. But Janey blocked his way.

"No, I don't think that's a good idea right now."

They stood staring at one another for a moment before Bobby nodded and backed up.

"I just….I don't know how to help her through this," he said softly.

"Well, maybe you can't help her….you moved out. That's got to be….God, Bobby, what happened? I've never known two people as in love as you and Annie. I had no idea that anything was wrong. I know she hasn't been herself lately but…..Annie's my best friend, but she never mentioned that there were problems."

Bobby looked down at the floor. "It's…complicated. I guess Annie just….just didn't want anyone to know we were having problems. I don't think she told anyone." He looked back up at Janey. "It's temporary…this separation. I….we…just need to work through some things and we weren't working through them. I thought maybe if we both had some space, some time alone…maybe then we could work through it."

"I hope so, Bobby, I really hope so. For now, though, I think you should leave. She really seems to be a mess right now….just let her…."

Bobby nodded. "OK, I'll go. Just tell her….well, let me know if I need to do anything."

Janey watched him leave, and then turned to go upstairs to her friend.

Annie stepped out of the shower and wrapped a large, fluffy towel around herself and wound her wet hair into a smaller one. Wiping the steam off of the mirror, she stood for a moment looking at her reflection. I look awful, she thought. Her face was puffy and there were bags under her eyes, as though she hadn't slept in days when that's almost all she had done for the last….how long? She wasn't sure what day it was.

She reached for her bathrobe, hanging on the back of the door and noticed Bobby's bathrobe next to it. He hadn't taken it. He loves that robe, he must have forgotten it, she thought. She lightly ran her fingers over the terrycloth, and then leaned forward to rub it against her cheek. His scent was on it and she buried her face in the robe, inhaling deeply.

Opening the door of the bathroom, she found Janey setting a tray on the table next to the loveseat. Janey smiled at her but didn't say anything and Annie was grateful that she didn't ask any questions. She wasn't hungry and didn't know if she could eat anything, but she moved across the room towards the loveseat. The tea smelled good…maybe she would try a little of that. Halfway across the room she realized that Janey had made the bed. Catching a glimpse of a pillowcase she realized that it was different from what had been on the bed all week. She stopped and stared at Janey.

"You…you changed the sheets?"

"Well…yeah," Janey said with a nod. "Annie….the sheets were…I thought you would feel better going to bed tonight with nice clean sheets."

"But….the sheets…they smelled like….like Bobby," she said softly, tears welling up and spilling down her cheeks.

"No," Janey said, taking Annie's arm firmly and leading her to the loveseat. "They smelled like sheets that haven't been washed in way too long. Now sit down here and try to eat something."

Annie obediently sat down and picked up the mug of tea, taking a small sip. To her surprise it tasted good and she was suddenly hungry. She ate the crackers and drank the tea in silence while Janey fussed around the room, straightening things. She left the room to go back to the laundry room and move the laundry from the washing machine to the dryer. When she came back to the bedroom, Annie had finished with her tea and crackers and was sitting silently, staring at the wedding picture on the wall across the room. Janey sat down next to her.

"What day is it?" Annie asked.

"Friday."

"Oh….I have to go get the kids tomorrow. And…..tell them."

"Annie, tell me what happened," Janey said gently.

"He left," Annie whispered, not taking her eyes off the photo.

"But…why? You and Bobby are….you never mentioned any problems."

"No," Annie said with a sigh. "No, I never mentioned it. I didn't want anyone to know…I thought we would work them out, and I didn't want people taking sides."

"He didn't…there wasn't….someone else…was there?"

"No, of course not. Bobby wouldn't…." Annie took a deep breath and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the love seat. "It started with that thing between his mother and me, and it just kind of grew. He….withdrew. And the more he withdrew, the more I pushed. The more I pushed, the more he withdrew. Until…." She drew in a shaky breath. "We were just fighting all the time….and….he…he thought we should take some….time…..apart."

Tears trickled down her cheeks and Janey put her arm around her and sat silently with her.

When Janey finally believed that she was going to be alright and left her alone, Annie tried to gather herself to call Bobby. They needed to discuss the children. However much she wanted to deny that he had left, however much she wanted to beg him to come home, the fact was that the children were coming home tomorrow and they needed to be unified in what they told them. She needed to put her grief aside and think about her children. Taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and dialed Bobby's cell.

"Annie? Are you alright?"

Her resolve wavered at the sound of his voice. Tears filled her eyes and she couldn't speak for a moment.

"Annie? Are you alright?"

"I…I'm OK," she said softly. "I just….we need to talk about the kids. I'm going to bring them home tomorrow and we need to decide how t….to….tell them."

"I'll go with you and we'll talk to them together, OK?"

"I…don't…uh…." Could she face sitting next to him on the drive up? She had difficulty not crying right now, just talking to him on the phone. How could she be with him all day and take care of the kids' questions and confusion…and not cry herself? But….it was a chance to see him, talk to him….

"OK," she finally said with a sigh. "Together."

After she hung up, she decided to get dressed. Pulling on some shorts and a top, she hung her bathrobe back on the hook on the bathroom door. She stared at Bobby's robe for a moment, and then leaned into it to inhale his scent. Taking it down from the hook, Annie went to the bedroom and searched until she found a clear plastic bag that a blanket had been stored in. Carefully folding the robe, she held it against her face and inhaled one more time, and then put it in the bag. Zipping it up, she took it to the closet and put it on a shelf behind some boxes.

End Chapter 1

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